Single ladies & marriage

[Mena]

I am just curious.
Does anyone have a game plan for getting married?
Meaning do you have a timeline and where are you going out and meeting people to achieve your goal. Personally, I kind of want to start putting myself out there for dating. I have been busy working and I think I need to start focusing on my personal life.

 

[Xerxes]

Aw, I so feel you. I think that single and ready to mingle thread should give you all of the advice you need.

Honestly, I do have a gameplan that I'm carrying out. In order to speed up the process of getting a ring on it, I'm taking time out of each hectic work week to go to events even on my own that interest me. Whatever I'm interested in from a gallery to a salsa night, I just go to have fun with little to no expectation and I have never met so many men in my life.

When you're enjoying yourself and are comfortable in your skin, you become a virtual man magnet. I've stopped stressing about my hair and have given up my phony ponies and braids. I wear my own hair even though it's not as long as I'd like. My life won't start when I become APL and men don't care how long your hair is. Get your body together and be confident and go after what you care about.

A quickie suggestion if you're in a rut is meetup.com. Go out, have some responsible fun, do a background check on him and then be open to love!

 

[HoneyA]

I scrapped the plan I had about six months ago. It was getting a bit too much and I was putting way too much pressure on myself. As long as I get out as much as possible I'll meet people and things will fall into place when the time is right. I know I'll get married but I'm not going to spend the next how ever many months thinking about when it will happen. It gets annoying. I don't know even know what's going to happen in the next 3 minutes. When getting married was constantly on my mind, it took all the fun out of dating, even with my ex. Now, I plan an activity every other day to be out and about and and to try new things. Marriage is not the focus. I really just want to chill and have fun now. Maybe this is not the best approach but that's what I'm happy doing now. I actually feel a sense of relief.

 

[awhyley]

Workin' on it. Having a game plan/timeline didn't seem important during college and career building (i.e. my teens and early twenties), but now, I'm realizing that time is going by real fast. Id' love to hear how you ladies are putting your plans into action.

 

[Renovating]

I don't want a game plan. I want to meet someone while living my life normally.
I don't think I need to strategically place myself anywhere to get married. Some may say that I'm being naive, but nonetheless, that's MY position.

My mother and grandmothers didn't have game plans and I don't see any reason why I need one. I say get out and do what interests YOU. That way if you happen to meet someone while you're out, at least it will be someone with whom you share a common interest. JMHO

 

[Renovating]

I type too slowly. If I had seen the other posts, I would have just clicked thanks.

 

[Mena]

I am not talking about having a strict timeline...its more like a guide to keep on track...lol i wont have a nervous breakdown if my timeline isnt perfect

 

[Bunny77]

I don't want a game plan. I want to meet someone while living my life normally.
I don't think I need to strategically place myself anywhere to get married. Some may say that I'm being naive, but nonetheless, that's MY position.

My mother and grandmothers didn't have game plans and I don't see any reason why I need one. I say get out and do what interests YOU. That way if you happen to meet someone while you're out, at least it will be someone with whom you share a common interest. JMHO

I just wanted to comment on this briefly, as one of my friends said it while being frustrated about her dating life.

Her mother got married at 18 to a man she met in high school. Don't know about her grandmother, but it was another situation like that.

I honestly don't think that in many cases, what our parents and grandparents did is comparable to what we're going through because many of them lived in a society where you were an old maid by 25 AND where the men they were dealing with generally knew that marriage was the expected result if they were dating/courting a woman.

Today, there are so many detours to marriage, it's ridiculous. The dude you've dated since high school might decide he wants to just be free and ho' around for about 5-10 more years instead of putting a ring on it, and suddenly, you're back in the single pool. Or you date and meet folks who want to kick it, chill, be friends with benefits, live together for umpteen years... everything but marriage.

I don't think our mothers and grandmothers had to navigate those kinds of minefields when they met boys/men in school, church or at work. They could just go about their business, date, and expect to marry the men they dated in a reasonable amount of time.


Okay... so that being said, I respect your position though. I really do and wouldn't want you to do anything that's uncomfortable for you. I just don't think it's valid to say that because our mothers and grandmothers didn't have to "do" anything to get married, that we shouldn't have to either. Different eras, different situations. That's all.

 

[Bunny77]

As for me, yes, when I noticed that just being out and about and living life was not getting me married, I made a gameplan.

I've been with my SO for 10 months, and things look very good. You can look up some of my past threads on the topic of planning for marriage, etc.

 

[HoneyA]

As for me, yes, when I noticed that just being out and about and living life was not getting me married, I made a gameplan.

I've been with my SO for 10 months, and things look very good. You can look up some of my past threads on the topic of planning for marriage, etc.

Admittedly I was never out and about much before. I am introverted by nature so I have to make the effort to go out but when I do it's great! Now I go out and I have got the knowledge about men and relationships I never had so I guess I am a lot less high strung about it. I meet a lot more guys now and I realise if you get to know people (guys), they'll tell you a lot about themselves and their character by their words and actions. I don't know but it takes the pressure off somehow.

Another thing is the more you go out, the more guys you do meet and talk to, the more dates you get asked out on. The special SO will make himself known eventually if you are dating. My thing is the relationship that leads to marriage will have to happen naturally anyway. It's not something you can force. If I meet a great guy today, I'm still not getting married tomorrow. The relationship still has to run its course.
Everyone is different but in my case I made marriage my focus for a long time and I am still not married.

 

[Renovating]

Bunny, has he proposed to you yet? ( I haven't been reading the RF much lately, but I remember you stated you two were ring shopping around the holidays)
If so, congrats.

 

[Renovating]

I just wanted to comment on this briefly, as one of my friends said it while being frustrated about her dating life.

Her mother got married at 18 to a man she met in high school. Don't know about her grandmother, but it was another situation like that.

I honestly don't think that in many cases, what our parents and grandparents did is comparable to what we're going through because many of them lived in a society where you were an old maid by 25 AND where the men they were dealing with generally knew that marriage was the expected result if they were dating/courting a woman.

Today, there are so many detours to marriage, it's ridiculous. The dude you've dated since high school might decide he wants to just be free and ho' around for about 5-10 more years instead of putting a ring on it, and suddenly, you're back in the single pool. Or you date and meet folks who want to kick it, chill, be friends with benefits, live together for umpteen years... everything but marriage.

I don't think our mothers and grandmothers had to navigate those kinds of minefields when they met boys/men in school, church or at work. They could just go about their business, date, and expect to marry the men they dated in a reasonable amount of time.


Okay... so that being said, I respect your position though. I really do and wouldn't want you to do anything that's uncomfortable for you. I just don't think it's valid to say that because our mothers and grandmothers didn't have to "do" anything to get married, that we shouldn't have to either. Different eras, different situations. That's all.

Well my point was strategically placing yourself is unnatural to ME. I prefer for it to happen naturally........ but whatever works for you.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, has he proposed to you yet? ( I haven't been reading the RF much lately, but I remember you stated you two were ring shopping around the holidays)
If so, congrats.

Hey!

Not yet... he caught me off guard with that ring shopping thing, making me think a holiday proposal was coming... after the holiday though, he talked a lot about how he believed in dating for a full year before an engagement, so I'm thinking April/May will be the time.

Funny though, in the past, I was cool with a two-year wait, but with him, I was like, "Okay, hurry up!" at about the 8-month mark. But I'm cool... he hasn't given me any reason to believe otherwise that he won't follow through with the 1-year deal!

Thanks for asking!

 

[Bunny77]

Well my point was strategically placing yourself is unnatural to ME. I prefer for it to happen naturally........ but whatever works for you.

Again, I understood that... and I don't want anyone to do what's unnatural for them.


I was only focusing on that one statement that I think the dating/mating/marriage landscape is much different today than it was for our mothers and grandmothers. That doesn't mean we can't get the same result doing the same thing as our mothers and grandmothers (and I hope you do, definitely!), but I just think in general, we can't compare our situations to theirs.

 

[Bunny77]

Admittedly I was never out and about much before. I am introverted by nature so I have to make the effort to go out but when I do it's great! Now I go out and I have got the knowledge about men and relationships I never had so I guess I am a lot less high strung about it. I meet a lot more guys now and I realise if you get to know people (guys), they'll tell you a lot about themselves and their character by their words and actions. I don't know but it takes the pressure off somehow.

Another thing is the more you go out, the more guys you do meet and talk to, the more dates you get asked out on. The special SO will make himself known eventually if you are dating. My thing is the relationship that leads to marriage will have to happen naturally anyway. It's not something you can force. If I meet a great guy today, I'm still not getting married tomorrow. The relationship still has to run its course.
Everyone is different but in my case I made marriage my focus for a long time and I am still not married.

The bolded is the key, obviously... for me, I NEVER made marriage my focus, and I think that I needed to... now for other people, they might have always been focused on marriage, marriage, marriage and it guided their interaction with men so much that it took away from their lives.

I have some friends who did the latter, and they've since stepped back and started enjoying the ride and not getting overly concerned about getting in a relationship with every man they meet. This is good... when they meet the right one, they'll have a different perspective.

Me? I was probably so nonchalant and chill (although still desiring to be married), that I probably missed a number of good opportunities and perhaps seemed overly focused on "doing me." So I personally had to change that to make marriage a possibility for me.

I think we do know what's best for us, depending on what did and didn't work before in our lives.

 

[TayMac]

The main part of my game plan was to stop using up my free time with the guys who I KNEW just wanted to date "forever" and marriage wasn't in their plans at all.

Another thing I did was go some places alone versus with 4 other associates...it's hard to standout (for me) when traveling in a pack like that.