Sibling Drama: Who was wrong?

[sounbeweavable]

(Warning, this is kind of long.)

Today, I had plans to meet up with my brother, his girlfriend, and their 11 month old son. I reached out to them because I hadn't seen my nephew since Christmas, and I wanted to see the little guy. To make things easy on them, I picked a meeting place near where my brother works (because he had to work right after) even though it was 15 miles from where I live. I got there today and they weren't there, so I texted my brother and his response was "I'm sorry we forgot." Nothing else, no explanation, no offer to reschedule.

I texted back (I know... bad idea haha) saying "Okay. Well, what you did is very inconsiderate. I drove 15 mies from home to a location you picked because it would be convenient for you and your girlfriend to see the nephew you've made no effort to invite me to see in 8 months. I altered my schedule on a very busy day to make a point to see you guys, and being forgotten is very hurtful and inexcusable."

He responded by saying that they're in the process of moving because of an emergency and then said "This is NOT us being lazy or inconsiderate and when you have your own kid one day you will understand. And you can't say anything about being inconsiderate to me when every last uncle, aunt, and cousin on mom's side of the family has been asking about you for YEARS and you won't even call them or visit or go to the family church.

Background info: I almost never hear from my brother. His girlfriend is always the one who reaches out to me about meeting up for holidays and sends me pics of my nephew, etc... I hadn't reached out either about seeing him, but I assumed based on only ever hearing from her that he didn't want me around. I texted asking to see him because I realized that I should stop waiting on them to make an effort and just do it myself. As far as me not contacting my family, my mom died 4+ years ago after I dropped out of school and started working full time to support her and be her caretaker while she was sick.

After she died, no one in my family ever reached out to ask if I needed help moving, cleaning out her things, etc... They only ever contacted me to make sure they got whatever my mom left them in her will. That was it. I haven't heard from any of them ever since. On top of that, if they were asking my brother about me, why didn't he just give them my number since I didn't have theirs? The only other family members I'm in contact with take days or weeks to respond to my text messages, so I rarely try to talk to them. I explained that to him and told him that my relationships (or lack thereof) with other family members has nothing to do with them more or less standing me up and that if he wants to talk about that separately, fine, but it's not relevant to the situation at hand.

Also, if he had explained why they missed our get together instead of just saying "I'm sorry. We forgot" I wouldn't have been mad because emergencies happen. Him using the "you'll understand when you have kids" excuse is BS to me because I have PLENTY of friends and coworkers with multiple young children, and they either keep our plans or they tell me as soon as they know they can't make it and give me a reason... They don't leave me hanging at the last minute with no explanation.

So, that being said, who was wrong? I know me texting instead of calling was a bad idea, but was I justified in being upset?

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

Kid or no kid if we have plans common curtesy is to call text and say I can't make it. I call BS. And I would have taken the kid remark as a digg and would have said mean things in return.

 

[crazytrish75]

Your brother was wrong. It takes 2 seconds to text someone and tell them that plans had changed. That's called being considerate. And your relationship with the rest of your family has no bearing whatsoever on the situation today.

Your brother and your relationship with each other sounds exactly like me and mine. He never calls. My mom and sister and I go months without hearing from him. He changes his phone number without telling us either. I had to track down his ex-wife to get ahold of him when our uncle died.

 

[calliope]

Yeah, kinda inconsiderate, but before driving a ways it's always good to send out an "I'm heading out now text" or "We still on?" just in case.

 

[sounbeweavable]

Thanks for the responses y'all. The situation just really bugged me because when we talked on the phone he said some very intentionally hurtful things... like saying I was being like our (emotionally and physically abusive) dad by sending that text. I knew that I wasn't because I didn't call him names or textually yell at him, but it just bugged me.

calliope I'll definitely have to do that going forward. I'm the kind of person who puts everything into my outlook calendar at work and my iPhone calendar, but clearly they aren't that organized.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

And your relationship with the rest of the family has nothing to do with the current situation, he was trying to deflect his inconsiderate behavior.

 

[lonelysky]

Your brother should have let you know that plans had changed. That was inconsiderate of him. Also, the family relations were irrelevant to the situation. Sounds like everyone is mad/hurt about the things that happened years ago.

With all of that said, I don't understand why 15 miles is such a big deal. I understand the time and whatnot involved, but it's not like you had to walk that far or that it was HOURS away. Maybe I'm missing something, but I wouldn't be offended over a 15 mile drive.

 

[lonelysky]

And OP, your family sounds very unhealthy. You know your heart and intentions. It sounds like your brother has some issues with you and is probably believing some lies about you.

How old is he?

 

[Maynard]

Is it a matter of wrong or right?

It seems like you are getting caught up in insignificant things. If you want to have a relationship with your brother, find out if he needs help moving. Yeah...he was being inconsiderate, but if the story he is telling is true, then he had a reason. Look at the bigger picture, you want to see your nephew and brother, right? Pick up the phone call and straighten it out. As you know, life if short and you are worried about the wrong things.

 

[SoniT]

I think your brother was wrong. Bringing up the fact that you don't have kids and your relationships with other family members has nothing to do with he and his girlfriend "forgetting" about meeting with you. My feelings would be hurt too.

 

[sounbeweavable]

Your brother should have let you know that plans had changed. That was inconsiderate of him. Also, the family relations were irrelevant to the situation. Sounds like everyone is mad/hurt about the things that happened years ago.

With all of that said, I don't understand why 15 miles is such a big deal. I understand the time and whatnot involved, but it's not like you had to walk that far or that it was HOURS away. Maybe I'm missing something, but I wouldn't be offended over a 15 mile drive.

It was less about the distance and more about the fact that I deliberately picked a place convenient to them that I wouldn't have gone to otherwise just so I could see them then wound up driving that distance really for no reason. If I'd tried to meet up with them somewhere nearby, making the drive with no meet up wouldn't have bugged me as much.

And OP, your family sounds very unhealthy. You know your heart and intentions. It sounds like your brother has some issues with you and is probably believing some lies about you.

How old is he?

That wouldn't surprise me at all. My family members made fun of me a lot when I was younger because I was shy and everyone else was outgoing/assertive. Some in particular made snide comments about me being suck up, so I wouldn't be surprised if that kind of talk went on behind my back. Stuff like that is part of why I haven't made an effort to keep up with them. I never felt like I was accepted on top of the issues I mentioned above about what happened after my mom died.

And my brother is 30. I'm 27.

 

[sounbeweavable]

Is it a matter of wrong or right?

It seems like you are getting caught up in insignificant things. If you want to have a relationship with your brother, find out if he needs help moving. Yeah...he was being inconsiderate, but if the story he is telling is true, then he had a reason. Look at the bigger picture, you want to see your nephew and brother, right? Pick up the phone call and straighten it out. As you know, life if short and you are worried about the wrong things.

I actually did call him and we're supposed to meet up tomorrow. I could offer to help move, but I just feel like I've been trying harder than he has. I stayed at the hospital until 3am on a work night when my nephew was born even though I was sick and couldn't even hold him... I just wanted to make sure he and his mother were okay and be there for everyone, I've showed up for holidays when his girlfriend--not him--has always been the one to invite me, etc... Heck, I was even going to buy all of them lunch today and give my nephew some new toys. I'm not too keen on continually putting myself out there when he treats me like this and intentionally tries to hurt me when HE did something wrong.

 

[RocStar]

It sounds like you are trying to keep score of who does the most stuff for each other. Nothing good can come from keeping score. Do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your family.

My advice is to think about your nephew...don't let your anger or frustration of your brother impact your relationship with your nephew.

 

[lonelysky]

It sounds line you're kind if the Black sheep...I know how you feel. When your values and the way you perceive the world is different than your family and then you have the sibling that seems to get on with everyone.

All you can really do is to do you and try to keep the lines open. A lot of times family can be self centered all the while talking about being family oriented and what not.

 

[Maynard]

I actually did call him and we're supposed to meet up tomorrow. I could offer to help move, but I just feel like I've been trying harder than he has. I stayed at the hospital until 3am on a work night when my nephew was born even though I was sick and couldn't even hold him... I just wanted to make sure he and his mother were okay and be there for everyone, I've showed up for holidays when his girlfriend--not him--has always been the one to invite me, etc... Heck, I was even going to buy all of them lunch today and give my nephew some new toys. I'm not too keen on continually putting myself out there when he treats me like this and intentionally tries to hurt me when HE did something wrong.

The bolded: Good.

I don't have a real comment on the rest...it seems like you are being tit for tat...at this point it doesn't matter. Just enjoy the time your family tomorrow and forget about the trivial bullcrap. At this point it doesn't even matter who was wrong or right...its petty.

 

[NOEChic]

It sounds like you are trying to keep score of who does the most stuff for each other. Nothing good can come from keeping score. Do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your family.

My advice is to think about your nephew...don't let your anger or frustration of your brother impact your relationship with your nephew.

However, don't continually get used, abused and carelessly tossed to the side just bc he is family. If you want to have a relationship with your nephew go through his girlfriend. It looks like she is the only one of them who cares that he knows/knows of you.

People are going to only do to you what you let them. Your brother might use your wanting to have a relationship with your nephew as a way to keep being stupid.

 

[sounbeweavable]

Thanks y'all. When I see them tomorrow, I'm not even going to bring any of this drama up. If he does, I'll just try to have a calm, (hopefully) linear conversation with him about our specific issues instead of everyone else in our family. We can't get anywhere if we keep fighting or (as someone pointed out) keeping score. I have to make a conscious effort not to do that because I've definitely resented my brother in the past for not helping out when our mom was sick/dying and mooching off of us financially when we barely had enough money for ourselves, but I don't want to bring that unhealithness into a new generation

lonelysky I really do feel like I'm the black sheep and I have for my whole life. We all have very different personality types and whatnot, and defending my personality and who I am was just too exhausting for me. The only people who don't make me feel like crap are my aunt and cousin, but they're the ones who suck at texting/calling me back... It's just a very disconnected, weird situation, but I have great friends who accept me and help me grow as a person so I'm glad I have that.

 

[yardyspice]

You are probably not the black sheep but you probably give little of yourself. No shade, just responding to the OP and your posts -- it sounds like you are a major part of the problem. I have siblings so I know how they are when they are married, with a new child, or job. It is a relationship so at anytime one person is giving more and that is ok.

Do you feel slighted often? Because if you do, I would suggest giving of yourself more with zero expectation. As for the OP, you should have driven straight to him since he has a young child.

 

[sounbeweavable]

You are probably not the black sheep but you probably give little of yourself. No shade, just responding to the OP and your posts -- it sounds like you are a major part of the problem. I have siblings so I know how they are when they are married, with a new child, or job. It is a relationship so at anytime one person is giving more and that is ok.

Do you feel slighted often? Because if you do, I would suggest giving of yourself more with zero expectation. As for the OP, you should have driven straight to him since he has a young child.

I'll definitely take your take on this into consideration, but my brother being inconsiderate/thoughtless isn't a new thing that started with him becoming a parent, and I know my family well enough to know what the dynamic is. Whenever there have been opportunities for give/take between him and me, I've always been the one giving and he's been the one taking (sometimes to the point of stealing). The reason we agreed to meet at the place we planned on meeting at was because he had to go to work soon after and meeting somewhere near his workplace worked better for them. I have quite a few friends who have kids, and if they need to meet at home for whatever reason (like keeping a schedule for their kids or something else), they say so and I have no problem going over to their houses or apartments. Heck... there are even times when I've gone over and helped them clean their houses and cook meals because they were swamped and told me so. If people are straightforward about what they need, I try to be accommodating because I know dealing with kids isn't easy... just like I wouldn't have been hurt/angry if he'd explained in advance/upfront why our lunch today didn't happen. Heck, if he had told me about their housing situation, I would have helped out in some way. We talked about some of this on the phone and I got the impression that he understood where I was coming from, but I know this wouldn't have escalated so quickly if one of us had just picked up the phone instead of texting.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Is it a matter of wrong or right?

It seems like you are getting caught up in insignificant things. If you want to have a relationship with your brother, find out if he needs help moving. Yeah...he was being inconsiderate, but if the story he is telling is true, then he had a reason. Look at the bigger picture, you want to see your nephew and brother, right? Pick up the phone call and straighten it out. As you know, life if short and you are worried about the wrong things.

I agree with this, but I want to also acknowledge OP, that I completely get what you're saying and how you feel. It's just one of those things where you have to put right and wrong out of the equation IF you want to pursue a relationship (and its good that you do; life is short), but it can be hard to do that sometimes. You don't have to continuously accept rude treatment, but for the time being, I agree with the previous poster.

There is a tense dynamic in parts of my family too and I try to see the bigger picture, but I can tell you that I fail often. (I would have probably gotten out of pocket in response to the "no kids" comment for example. But then I try again like nothing ever happened ) good for you for suggesting the lunch in the first place. I think that was excellent. Lunch may be a luxury for them right now, so I agree that if you can fit in the time to help them with moving then I think that would be a great place to go from here.

 

[sounbeweavable]

Update: We talked it out yesterday and we're going to try putting the past behind us and spending more time together (starting with a family BBQ today). We agreed that we don't want to bring the family drama (and there is a LOT of it) into the next generation, so we're setting our BS aside for the sake of his kid and any future kids either of us have. While what he did was really inconsiderate, I totally handled it in a non-Christlan way (definitely not slow to anger lol) and I need to work on that. I'm going to talk to them today about getting together once a month and maybe going to church together. This is all really big for me because in the past if my brother and I fought, we wouldn't talk for months or longer.

Thanks everyone!

 

[yardyspice]

@sounbeweavable I am glad you were able to reconcile with your brother. I hope that both of you can go into family counseling to work on the unresolved pain/resentment/anger you are both carrying because his child and your future children should see peace and harmony being modeled between you as siblings.