Am I wrong for being a little mad/jealous

[ladysaraii]

I thought that he was none the wiser but now I'm thinking that he knows exactly what he's doing.

Secondly, why are you pressed about meeting his child? I do not think that is absolutely necessary unless you get engaged with a set wedding date. The child should be protected as much as possible in this situation. Also, children talk. Don't you think that she would go back and tell her mother about meeting her father's female friend? Especially since they're on good terms, do you think that he wants his ex to find out about you two in this way, especially given the history?

I disagree with you there. I don't believe in meeting the kids all early but I would never seriously date and consider marriage to someone when I hadn't met their kids. If they are a package deal, we all should see what that package entails

 

[FlowerHair]

No I've never met them and I think it's because he may be a bit guarded when it comes to them. Like, if we broke up, would they have already become attached? He dated the mother's children, but I'm the first gf after all that. He's never had to introduce someone new is what I'm saying. That's still no excuse. I asked him last Friday when I could meet them. He knows I love children - have worked with them since I was little. He seemed taken aback like, really? I've only asked you a million times. I've even purchased gifts for them - puzzles, they're obsessed with Doc McStuffin as well. The thing is, one of the mom's doesn't know we're dating (the one who met him at the zoo). She probably doesn't think he's dating at all. I know her and have met her a few times when they were together. She always suspected he had a thing for me (he told me) and he revealed that he always had, since we met. If she knew we were dating...

How long have you been together? Sorry if I missed that.

I don't think I could live for long with this type of situation.

I'm going to be frank here...stop buying gifts for kids you don't even get to see. Also, if he's dating you seriously, he should let all the mothers know who you are. How many children and mothers are we talking about here...?

It seems (from the info that you've given here) that he is not 100% into this relationship. If I were you, I would try to find someone more open and interested.

 

[hopeful]

He has another child with another woman as well, so I would be trying to create a 3-way marriage in that case. She had 5 with her first love and then he came along. If anything, she should be marrying the first guy, but he's a known cheater.

They were never married. She's just an ex girlfriend.

He has a lot going on. The whole situation sounds stressful to me. If your guy has a child with a woman she will never be just an ex gf. This is someone who will likely always be a part of his life if he plans to be a real father and participate in his children's lives.

No I've never met them and I think it's because he may be a bit guarded when it comes to them. Like, if we broke up, would they have already become attached? He dated the mother's children, but I'm the first gf after all that. He's never had to introduce someone new is what I'm saying. That's still no excuse. I asked him last Friday when I could meet them. He knows I love children - have worked with them since I was little. He seemed taken aback like, really? I've only asked you a million times. I've even purchased gifts for them - puzzles, they're obsessed with Doc McStuffin as well. The thing is, one of the mom's doesn't know we're dating (the one who met him at the zoo). She probably doesn't think he's dating at all. I know her and have met her a few times when they were together. She always suspected he had a thing for me (he told me) and he revealed that he always had, since we met. If she knew we were dating...

I'd stop asking to meet the children if I were you. That's really his choice and he'd introduce you to them if he wanted to. Quit begging to be a bigger part of his life. I know it's hard but you need to look at his actions and take them at face value. He doesn't want to court you, take you on dates, or integrate you into his life in a meaningful way. You say you like being alone sometimes, and I get that, but overall he does not seem to be treating you well. He is not making you a priority in his life and I think that is what you are feeling. He should have filled you in on more details about the trip to the zoo.

 

[Simply_elle]

OP....

Run!!! I dealt with this for too long. I'm a single mom myself, but I don't do messy. Listen to your gut and 99% of the time you'll come out on top. Don't put up with anyone mistreating you!

 

[gabulldawg]

I can't do secrecy and lies. Especially about other women.

I'm not mad at the friend at all.

ITA. This is something that you should have known ahead of time. I also think he should have asked (or pretended to ask ) for your blessing before the outing. It's unacceptable.

I also agree that I could never date someone with children. And he has two children by two different women? erplexed I don't do drama and secrets. That's just too much.

 

[caltron]

OP....

Run!!! I dealt with this for too long. I'm a single mom myself, but I don't do messy. Listen to your gut and 99% of the time you'll come out on top. Don't put up with anyone mistreating you!

I've got to agree with this. It does sound like this situation is going to be nothing but drama and heartache for you. First of all, I really have to question this guy's judgement for choosing to have a child with this woman in the first place. She had *five* children already and he decided to add another one into the mix?? Without intending to marry her or some other committment?? And are you thinking of settling down with this guy and having children?? He is going to treat you the same way he did her--believe that. You can do soooooo much better than this.

Second, I do not like the fact that his ex knows nothing about you or that he's dating. I can see why he doesn't want you to meet the child at this point and agree with that, but the fact that she doesn't know about you shows that you are not as important to him as he is to you. And lord have mercy when his ex finds out he has a girlfriend you do NOT want that drama in your life. For all you know she's probably thinking she has a chance of getting back with him. He might be texting *her* pics all the time, just like he is to you.

These last few details have sealed it for me. He is shady. You really need to cut your losses as soon as you can.

 

[CaraWalker]

He has another child with another woman as well, so I would be trying to create a 3-way marriage in that case. She had 5 with her first love and then he came along. If anything, she should be marrying the first guy, but he's a known cheater.

i dont date men with kids but if i did he still wouldnt make the cut. something is really off with his judgment to not only get with a woman with 5 kids but to then have a 6th kid with her (if im understanding you correctly)

 

[zora]

I agree with all the other ladies. Get rid of him.

I can tell you're doing an amazing job at self improvement. You've lost almost 20 lbs, you're going to start yoga and doing your single life thang.

He is NOT on your level. You're too smart for this mess. In fact, you started the thread because you already knew the answer. But sometimes we women need some reassurance from others. Well, you got it. Leave him alone, because you deserve so much better.

Sorry to hijack thread, but I just want to say 'Hi' to caltron. 3 more weeks to your little blessing! I can't wait to hear the announcement.

 

[caltron]

Oh wow I missed that he has another child with another woman too??? OP, I'm a little worried that since you knew all of this before you got with him, any advice you get is going to fall on deaf ears, but this guy is in no way, shape, or form marriage material. The fact that you're trying so hard to maintain a relationship with him signals to me that you need to value yourself more and demand more out of your relationships.

 

[TayMac]

Are you saying he was eyeing you while dating the 2nd childs mother?

I agree with the other ladies. Run don't walk away. The situation is messy. The loose ends aren't tied up.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

He texted me this morning to say that he had planned on taking his daughter, but her mother had too (I'm thinking, "Exact same day, really?") so he figured it would be best because he hadn't seen his little girl in a week and didn't want to risk missing her because her mom would be there as well. He said he understood where I was coming from and why I would be upset. He also said that they are not getting along well right now, but decided to both be adult about it and put her first.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Are you saying he was eyeing you while dating the 2nd childs mother? I agree with the other ladies. Run don't walk away. The situation is messy. The loose ends aren't tied up.

I had no idea. I never looked at him that way - EVER
He said he always found me attractive. I don't know if you'd call it eyeing though, considering that he never worked with me on a day to day basis. I only saw him maybe 10 minutes out of the day.

 

[PopLife]

Now that you've shared more about the relationship, I think you have bigger issues to deal with than the "trip to the zoo". You really need to step back and decide if this is a good situation for YOU and if it's even worth the headache.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

How did someone with this much baggage get the title of boyfriend with you?

He doesn't take you out and you initiate everything.

Frankly I don't trust your mutual friend at all. He seemingly has integrated himself to be more of a boyfriend then the man you are claiming all while pretending to be friends with the other dude. He's a wild night of drinking away from an oops. Dry snitching men usually have their own agendas.

Drop them both and start over. Have a life. Its summertime go to events and meet others. Then give time and energy only to those that show interest, time and energy to you. In normal situations dealing with a man that has a child I wouldn't stress about going to the zoo but this situation has so many other red flags that you need to figure out if you even need to be cutting off all of your options for someone that isn't even claiming you.

To be clear: the answer is not demanding that he do xyz but making it clear that until he does xyz on his own without you nagging that you in turn don't give him a title and benefits that have not been earned. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life making excuses for his procrastination then get busy and stay busy. If he can't be bothered to make plans then he can stay with his baby mama while you're with someone worthy of your time.

 

[PeaceFlow]

They are arguing and he didn't tell you that before nowerplexed

I've never been with a guy with kids. Maybe it's different when it comes to sharing, IDK. I'm with my SO a lot. If he's really not getting on with someone close to him he will mention it to me. Even if it's a few sentences.

Word to the wise: Don't bring up issues via text next time. Better to do it in person to capture his first reaction.

9 months is a long time not to tell this woman that he has a GF/dating. If she dumped him, isn't checking for him and there's no loose ends between them then why would she care.

 

[LiftedUp]

Frankly I don't trust your mutual friend at all. He seemingly has integrated himself to be more of a boyfriend then the man you are claiming all while pretending to be friends with the other dude. He's a wild night of drinking away from an oops. Dry snitching men usually have their own agendas.

This was my thought when everyone was hi5-ing him. Men like that usually have their own agenda. Additionally, she could be dropping words to your SO about you too.

 

[LiftedUp]

I disagree with you there. I don't believe in meeting the kids all early but I would never seriously date and consider marriage to someone when I hadn't met their kids. If they are a package deal, we all should see what that package entails

I agree, but I'm tired of seeing these relationships that have multiple "aunties", "uncles" and "friends" coming in and out of children's lives. You can always break off an engagement imo. At least let it reach to that point before you start setting a bad example for the child(ren).

 

[ChasingBliss]

I have to say I admire a few of ya'll for being so trusting.

In the hood growing up, one thing that was always stated is that a dude is always still sleeping with his baby mama ex. While I never laid a finger on my daughter's father after we broke up and never wanted to. I still believed that this is what dudes do because my daughter's father ALWAYS tried it no matter what gf he was with. So with a history like this and where I come from....I would feel some type of way ....more so for not telling me.

 

[PJaye]

No offense, OP, but I couldn't get beyond him having two kids by two different women. Everything is insignificant in comparison to it, IMO. And, please remind the ill-mannered dude that he is your friend, not your Life Coach. He should have been put in his place a long time ago.

 

[God_Favor]

If you guys marry both women are a huge part of your life, family, household, income ,banking, credit, etc.... So him spending time with his fam is just a part of the deal dating a man with 2 ready made FAM. Take time to see if you can handle all that comes with him.

 

[PeaceFlow]

An associate did this to me once and ratted "accidentally" about his friend I had chatted to. He did it because he wanted to get in my pants. I stopped talking to him and the other guy because they were one and the same, but I can never be mad at someone for telling me information lol. I don't care if it was a jealous ex, or whatever I just can't gather the emotion.

I'm only angry at the person who gave them something dodgy to tell me -_-

 

[GraceJones]

An associate did this to me once and ratted "accidentally" about his friend I had chatted to. He did it because he wanted to get in my pants . I stopped talking to him and the other guy because they were one and the same, but I can never be mad at someone for telling me information lol. I don't care if it was a jealous ex, or whatever I just can't gather the emotion.

I'm only angry at the person who gave them something dodgy to tell me -_-

^^This
Chile, yes. Your homeboy is trying to sleep with you

 

[DarkJoy]

His friend is mine as well and has been for 2 years. We all work together. "Our" friend is always pushing him to take me out and do things with me and he'll do it right in front of both of us. He does not mind calling you out! Just today, he pointed directly at my head and said, "Is that a pimple?"

When I had my 5K, he asked him if he was going to go to support me - that should be the first thing any person would think of. My boyfriend is the type of person who won't do anything unless you bring it up/suggest it. Of course he hadn't. I knew better than to ask him because I knew he would find a way to let me down. Things that have happened to me in the past has caused me to be traumatized so I don't even bother to ask him.

I've got him in training right now. He keeps asking, "When are we going to hang out again?" I just tell him, "When you ask me" or "Why don't you think of something? Let me know what you come up with and I'll make sure to clear my schedule for you!"

I'm usually the one to make plans for us, because his procrastinator tendencies would fail him in that area. I used to be so easy and do it, but now I've taken up hobbies and am teaching myself Korean as well as relearning Spanish (took it for 7 years and still can't speak a word) Our friend is helping me because he is Hispanic and a native Spanish speaker. Bikram yoga and barre classes start next week - so I keep myself busy. Meanwhile he's wondering why I'm not so available anymore or wanting to spend time at his apartment (cheap date). I've told him this for 9 months. He suggested a movie and we went - 2 weeks ago, but haven't done anything since then. I was sick last week and TOM is in town this week (I go incognito and he knows to leave me alone and that as a Crab I go into my shell). I'll be on vacation in New York with my brother the week after next. I'm okay with taking this as far as I can until he's fully trained in speaking up and showing that he wants to spend time with me.

Not having read the other responses:

So between this and his lying by omission what's the point if dating this man?

 

[Fine 4s]

I don't have much to add other than saying that this thread makes me sad. I put up with a lot in the past and only when something better came along that I thought to myself "what the whaaaaahhh"...

I wish the same for you.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...What made this man such a good catch to you?

You plan and intitiate everything...

He is not forthcoming about his dealings with the mother of his child(ren) OR with the fact that you even exist in his life...

He has 2 kids by 2 different women and never married either one of them...

He has not created an open environment in your relationship for you to feel comfortable enough to come to him with your concerns and issues...

Like, I am very confused as to how you decided this man was worth dating. Never allow yourself to be that hard up to where you find these actions or lack there of acceptable from any man.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Please dont tell your SO that his friend tipped you off when/if you decide to confront him.
Thats an ally you want to keep around!!!

Yes, but this can be a very dangerous game. VERY.
The ally always has his own agenda...and the smart ones have a lot of patience and creativity. Be ware.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

No offense, OP, but I couldn't get beyond him having two kids by two different women. Everything is insignificant in comparison to it, IMO. And, please remind the ill-mannered dude that he is your friend, not your Life Coach. He should have been put in his place a long time ago.

And one of the women already had 5 kids?? No ma'am. We have to be mankind's only hope to get together and reproduce.

 

[Forever in Bloom]

Long story short: I broke up with him
Pretty much everything y'all have said is what has been in my head for the past few months - I already knew I was not being treated like I deserved.

He had the nerve to be shocked.

Gonna cry and go to sleep now

 

[Simply_elle]

Long story short: I broke up with him Pretty much everything y'all have said is what has been in my head for the past few months - I already knew I was not being treated like I deserved. He had the nerve to be shocked. Gonna cry and go to sleep now

Big hug mama!

Chin up, this I think gives you the balls to kick any future losers to the curb, and not settle. Rest your heart and take care of yourself.

 

[DarkJoy]

Long story short: I broke up with him
Pretty much everything y'all have said is what has been in my head for the past few months - I already knew I was not being treated like I deserved.

He had the nerve to be shocked.

Gonna cry and go to sleep now

Glad you realized you deserve better.

Now go cry and get it out. Mr Right will find you soon.