She's Mad Because He Didn't Propose...

[Zaynab]

Zaynab

Think we're giving TMI. Folks bout to OD on the info. Think some peeps need time to digest so they can come back later and be like "they were right...."

I wasn't fooling with this thread anymore. I don't care if they date multiple men or not. Two things that keep women perpetually single: Lack of confidence and a positive attitude. The confidence comes from dating more than one man and feeling empowered. The attitude is a whole other issue.

I really needed to speak on the "do men date until engaged/married". But no one admit that they've heard it, seen it or witnessed it. It.s OK. I know.

 

[FelaShrine]

I will use myself as an example: I went on a date about a month before I got engaged, like ring in hand *shrugs*. DH was in spot #1 but if someone asked me out, I'd go. DH had laid his plans out that "you're the person I want to marry" in three weeks. OK and ??? That's just a statement, not a plan. That's the stuff that would make most women stop dating ALL the men they know and dream and wait. I however, continued to date other guys casually, DH did get the main spot because he was the one I was most interested in. Now I never asked DH if he was dating other people--because when I met him he was like "I have friends" His vague declaration of "I wanna marry you" was not anything of substance to me--so I kept weeding them out--seeing people. When a friend of his saw me out with a guy, he asked me about it and I said "oh he's a friend, no big deal" very sweetly. This is where most women would mess up--they would apologize or explain. That is how you look guilty and it looks like "cheating". WTF am I gonna explain who I'm with for and you're "dating" me After that, he was all like I want to be with you, exclusively, etc. There goes that word. He tried to throw me the bone most women catch. Knowing that statement meant "I wanna be boyfriend/girlfriend" exclusive trap most women fall into that goes nowhere. I said "I told you when I met you I was dating for marriage". He was like "oh I said I wanted to marry you when I first met you". OH OK. And?? Well that stepped the game up, didn't it. He then sort of went to work, like clearly laying out goals, his intentions, not that vague "I wanna marry you stuff". Also-remember, I didn't take the bone he offered. I could have and he wouldn't have been pressed to go forward. I didn't accept terroritorial I wanna lock you down, while I"m out doing my own thing because I'm a competitive man stuff--because ladies once you accept that-he gets comfy and he was won.

See this example right here belongs on RF. You said NO. You didnt get trapped so you didnt owe it to him to stick around and hope he grants your wish. Excellent breakdown Just had to quote it

 

[jturner7156]

I so agree with everything you are saying Zaynab. I just thought of the time when I was still semi-dating my son's father, I went to an event the night before and wasn't paying him no kind of attention...and I looked good. I was getting attention from elsewhere and was loving it. The next day, he came to my church to talk to my pastor and proposed. I was like, what, where did all this come from? I told him no though because I didnt want to be with him!

 

[Qualitee]

Barbs, I gotta know, did you keep the rings?

 

[FemmeFatale]

LMAO FelaShrine.

Barbie and Zaynab could teach a class. I feel like what you're saying is common sense broken down, but women will guilt other women out of keeping their options open and not playing a slave (that's not related to this thread; more related to my personal tangent that I brought up earlier and am still salty about) to any man that will have them.

Amen amen amen..the hostility and shade that women get for feeling like the prize is sad.

I like the fact that her expectations are high

 

[barbiesocialite]

Barbs, I gotta know, did you keep the rings?

I have 2 of them. Dunno what happened to the other one, it was lost when I moved. I'm kinda mad bc I lost it with a tennis bracelet (mom) and the first ring my father ever gave me.

 

[greight]

LMAO FelaShrine.

Barbie and Zaynab could teach a class. I feel like what you're saying is common sense broken down, but women will guilt other women out of keeping their options open and not playing a slave (that's not related to this thread; more related to my personal tangent that I brought up earlier and am still salty about) to any man that will have them.

I'm dealing with the feeling of guilt

Mentioned it in the other thread. I don't know why I have it since I date multiple men before, but then I get this random *** guilty feeling and then choose one and work through that :shrug:.

Beats me where I got it from. I don't have time to figure out why . I know I just need to correct it.

I never stay in long term situations anyway (I generally bolt which I know is a BIG problem too... for another thread ) so I never wasted time. That's my only saving grace, lol

 

[LaBelleLL]

I wasn't fooling with this thread anymore. I don't care if they date multiple men or not. Two things that keep women perpetually single: Lack of confidence and a positive attitude. The confidence comes from dating more than one man and feeling empowered. The attitude is a whole other issue.

I really needed to speak on the "do men date until engaged/married". But no one admit that they've heard it, seen it or witnessed it. It.s OK. I know.

personally, i heard this method when i started visiting here.

hey zaynab- it dawned on me...how long did you date around before your DH proposed? or in other words, how long were you guys i guess...talking..since you weren't technically togehter....

 

[Qualitee]

I have 2 of them. Dunno what happened to the other one, it was lost when I moved. I'm kinda mad bc I lost it with a tennis bracelet (mom) and the first ring my father ever gave me.

They didnt ask for them back?

 

[Syrah]

i mean i guess? your explanations aren't the issue though right? people get frustrated b/c they don't realize that some methods don't work for other people for several. like real talk, i'm in my last year of law school and in probably one of my busiest semesters. i coudln't imagine being with SO and dating other people right now. now if i were in some rando 9-5 with a pretty consistent schedule- that would be a different story.

also to be honest, the scenrios you describes (and ones that other posters describe as well) do not apply to me all. i just woudln't be in those positions. so maybe you guys are speaking to me.

eta: just read your post with your DH and I see what you mean. i still think that's a method that everyone doesn't necessarily need to employ.

I dunno - I couldn't see myself ever being too busy to grab a good bite to eat or drink with someone interesting. I'm going to eat anyway...

Dating doesn't have to be calling every night. Saying good morning. Telling all your "guess what happened to me today" stories. But this gets back to barbiesocialite's earlier point. Emotional banshee-ism.

 

[barbiesocialite]

They didnt ask for them back?

no, not really. well one ex did (second), I was 19 and sorta ran off with it I used to be really crazy. when things went bad and I was sorta spiraling out of control, I transferred colleges and he threatened me. Then I sorta disappeared.

We're friends now tho. He's also divorced now too.

 

[LaBelleLL]

I dunno - I couldn't see myself ever being too busy to grab a good bite to eat or drink with someone interesting. I'm going to eat anyway...

Dating doesn't have to be calling every night. Saying good morning. Telling all your "guess what happened to me today" stories. But this gets back to @barbiesocialite's earlier point. Emotional banshee-ism.

ehh it really depends on your schedule. i'm talking about a schedule where you need to eat while doing other things. like right now, i'm on lhcf , while listening to audio for this pre-bar exam i have on saturday while sitting in the library eating a chipotle salad....

i think we will have to agree to disagree to an extent. i asked SO how he would feel if (he knew) i was dating other people and he said he would be devastated. i mean- this man is trying to figure out how to ask for a transfer (without setting alarm bells at the firm just yet), set on relocating to the east coast, taking a whole other bar exam, all for me. and for me to then turn around and date other people while i'm with him? granted i don't think i owe him anything for the moves he is making but if he would like for us to exclusive (and i'm ok with it), personally i don't see the use in dating other people right now. and i just brought him home to my parents.

 

[Zaynab]

personally, i heard this method when i started visiting here.

hey zaynab- it dawned on me...how long did you date around before your DH proposed? or in other words, how long were you guys i guess...talking..since you weren't technically togehter....

Eight months. And under two years to get married. He had dated his ex before me, 5 years. No ring, nothing. We were 'together' I considered him my boyfriend but I was only with him in that capacity-not a play wife role or committed as in a married. One more time, you can't be committed as much as wife/husband when you're gf/bf the what's the marriage benefit.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[LivingInPeace]

So many of these comments remind me of a conversation I had with my mother when I was probably sixteen and I was telling her that I wasn't going to talk to one guy because another guy was my so called boyfriend. She asked why I would do that. And I said 'Weren't you exclusive with Daddy?" She said, "Not until we got married!"

 

[UmSumayyah]

I have to cosign Zaynab and barbiesocialite and say Hooked on Phonics worked for me.

 

[Southernbella.]

I dunno - I couldn't see myself ever being too busy to grab a good bite to eat or drink with someone interesting. I'm going to eat anyway...

Dating doesn't have to be calling every night. Saying good morning. Telling all your "guess what happened to me today" stories. But this gets back to barbiesocialite's earlier point. Emotional banshee-ism.

Right. I took a different approach than Zaynab but the main point was still the same. I was in school and not interested in dating at all except for marriage. I had two suitors before dh, one of whom came to a group dinner where dh was. Dh knew he was courting me, too, poor thing So the idea of keeping your options open can be applied at any stage.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[sylver2]

i have not read this long thread , just glanced over this last page...but i say never put all your eggs in one basket or something like that

 

[LaBelleLL]

Eight months. And under two years to get married. He had dated his ex before me, 5 years. No ring, nothing. We were 'together' I considered him my boyfriend but I was only with him in that capacity-not a play wife role or committed as in a married. One more time, you can't be committed as much as wife/husband when you're gf/bf the what's the marriage benefit.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

why did it take 2 years to get married?

ita with this entire post! i am with you 100% here. i just think you can apply different methods and get to the same place in terms of knowing your role as gf/bf. this is where we differ i think. if he gives me exclusivity meaning only taking me out, buying me presents, meeting only my parents and not some other chick's parents , i can do the same for him. i cant imagine your dh's ex scenario. but you know, i have a mother and she would be putting that fire up under my butt and i just thinking all around differently i think...

 

[LaBelleLL]

Right. I took a different approach than Zaynab but the main point was still the same. I was in school and not interested in dating at all except for marriage. I had two suitors before dh, one of whom came to a group dinner where dh was. Dh knew he was courting me, too, poor thing So the idea of keeping your options open can be applied at any stage.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

yes, i think this is possible. the result was the same as well. both of y'all are in great marriages and you feel like it was the right choice.

 

[Menina Preta]

i mean i guess? your explanations aren't the issue though right? people get frustrated b/c they don't realize that some methods don't work for other people for several. like real talk, i'm in my last year of law school and in probably one of my busiest semesters. i coudln't imagine being with SO and dating other people right now. now if i were in some rando 9-5 with a pretty consistent schedule- that would be a different story.

also to be honest, the scenrios you describes (and ones that other posters describe as well) do not apply to me all. i just woudln't be in those positions. so maybe you guys are speaking to me.

eta: just read your post with your DH and I see what you mean. i still think that's a method that everyone doesn't necessarily need to employ.

I feel you. I do think certain ladies' experiences are not that relatable to my own situation, be it because I'm not on the same timeline, too lazy to be on the hunt lol or for other reasons. However, I do think the general themes espoused by Zaynab and Barbie can be applied to most of us, i.e. you are the prize, state that you are dating for marriage, realize that the difference btw a girlfriend and a wife is more than a ring, have a backup plan, and don't just give all of yourself to a man just because he says you're exclusive. It's about letting a man's actions, and not just his words, speak for him. At least that's what I get from it...

 

[LaBelleLL]

I feel you. I do think certain ladies' experiences are not that relatable to my own situation, be it because I'm not on the same timeline, too lazy to be on the hunt lol or for other reasons. However, I do think the general themes espoused by Zaynab and Barbie can be applied to most of us, i.e. you are the prize, state that you are dating for marriage, realize that the difference btw a girlfriend and a wife is more than a ring, have a backup plan, and don't just give all of yourself to a man just because he says you're exclusive. It's about letting a man's actions, and not just his words, speak for him. At least that's what I get from it...

i agree with you here. bigger picture - ita. this is what i thought i was getting from it. i think i get lost with the dating other people bit when the two of you decide to exclusively work on your relationship. i don't think anyone should ever give all of themselves to anyone- ever. yes, much more in a marriage but a part of you must remain intact in a way - and for yourself. but that's a diff thread. i just think all of those things you've just listed can be achieved but you don't necessarily need to date other people right up until you get engaged.

the bolded, i think this is key. here i am sitting, trying to apply things to myself and it just doesn't fit. at all.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I feel you. I do think certain ladies' experiences are not that relatable to my own situation, be it because I'm not on the same timeline, too lazy to be on the hunt lol or for other reasons. However, I do think the general themes espoused by Zaynab and Barbie can be applied to most of us, i.e. you are the prize, state that you are dating for marriage, realize that the difference btw a girlfriend and a wife is more than a ring, have a backup plan, and don't just give all of yourself to a man just because he says you're exclusive. It's about letting a man's actions, and not just his words, speak for him. At least that's what I get from it...

thank you for summing it up. This is pretty much all I'm trying to say.

I agree, everyone has a different personality and temperment. The way I handle things specifically as a result of my character would not work with most women I know. Just like @Southernbella. and @Zaynab both had different techniques, there's more than one way to skin a cat but the main goal and overall attitude/approach is the same. There are a couple other posters that can be added to that list as well (different ways of doing the same thing) but IDK if they want me calling them out . Point is, we're individuals, however, the general principles remain the same.

 

[LaBelleLL]

thank you for summing it up. This is pretty much all I'm trying to say.

I agree, everyone has a different personality and temperment. The way I handle things specifically as a result of my character would not work with most women I know. Just like @Southernbella. and @Zaynab both had different techniques, there's more than one way to skin a cat but the main goal and overall attitude/approach is the same. There are a couple other posters that can be added to that list as well (different ways of doing the same thing) but IDK if they want me calling them out . Point is, we're individuals, however, the general principles remain the same.

if that's what you are saying, then i get it. i'm with you 100%. i've always thought this way - which of course is why i'm not "used up" as you referened earlier. ok i'm not late for the party.

 

[Menina Preta]

i agree with you here. bigger picture - ita. this is what i thought i was getting from it. i think i get lost with the dating other people bit when the two of you decide to exclusively work on your relationship. i don't think anyone should ever give all of themselves to anyone- ever. yes, much more in a marriage but a part of you must remain intact in a way - and for yourself. but that's a diff thread. i just think all of those things you've just listed can be achieved but you don't necessarily need to date other people right up until you get engaged.

the bolded, i think this is key. here i am sitting, trying to apply things to myself and it just doesn't fit. at all.

Ya, if I went on a planned date with a random dude my SO wouldn't be too happy, nor would I be if he did the reverse to me. My version of backups though is to remain friendly with men I'd may date if I were single or men with a good group of guy friends to choose from. I am pretty happy in my current relationship and like how things are, but I have a timeline and if he doesn't start proposing marriage when I'm about ready I may have to start sending "hey, long time no see" messages...

 

[Zaynab]

why did it take 2 years to get married?

ita with this entire post! i am with you 100% here. i just think you can apply different methods and get to the same place in terms of knowing your role as gf/bf. this is where we differ i think. if he gives me exclusivity meaning only taking me out, buying me presents, meeting only my parents and not some other chick's parents , i can do the same for him. i cant imagine your dh's ex scenario. but you know, i have a mother and she would be putting that fire up under my butt and i just thinking all around differently i think...

It took that long to plan my big fabulous wedding

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[Zaynab]

why did it take 2 years to get married?

ita with this entire post! i am with you 100% here. i just think you can apply different methods and get to the same place in terms of knowing your role as gf/bf. this is where we differ i think. if he gives me exclusivity meaning only taking me out, buying me presents, meeting only my parents and not some other chick's parents , i can do the same for him. i cant imagine your dh's ex scenario. but you know, i have a mother and she would be putting that fire up under my butt and i just thinking all around differently i think...

It took that long to plan my big fabulous wedding And getting life logistics worked out

DH ex is still single, never been married and has continued dating men for years with no commitment. And I have been narrowed 13 years. I am about 99% sure she's on this board too

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[LaBelleLL]

It took that long to plan my big fabulous wedding

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

that's a long time!!! another scenario where to each their own b/c my parents, esp mother would be LIVID with me for taking so long with planning. and a very compelling reason to hire people to help!

 

[Syrah]

I guess the other reason why I don't understand why women argue against the approach is that it can be FUN. Why compete with other chicks for a man when you can have a man compete with other men for you?! Which is what men want to do anyway (compete and win)...

Why beg, plead and prod a man to choose you when he can wine and dine you until he figures it out? I don't need to ask you what else you're doing - I'd rather he start to wonder why I don't care.

He wins. YOU win.

 

[Zaynab]

that's a long time!!! another scenario where to each their own b/c my parents, esp mother would be LIVID with me for taking so long with planning. and a very compelling reason to hire people to help!

I had people to help it didn't seem that long to me and there were some life logistics we were working out, where to live, dh was in school, etc.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[Zaynab]

LMAO that y'all are asking men about this when most of y'all don't even get what dating for marriage is . Keep taking those bones.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue