She's Mad Because He Didn't Propose...

[PopLife]

how would I know he is sexing someone? I'm not asking him about sex unless we are sexing. And we arent sexing until its serious, and it isnt serious until we are engaged or almost-engaged. I don't understand this "need" for single people to have sex, sex is used purposefully in my world....

Furthermore, I date respectful men. They dont answer the phone or take certain calls in my presence. This includes work related things (minus my anesthesiologist ex). Again, when you go looking you will find. So unless I go probing or poking around, honestly, there is no way to no if a guy I'm dating is talking to other women. Nor do I really care to be honest so I damn sure am not going to go looking.....My husband is a different story.

I appreciate your perspective and I hope it works for you.


In theory I agree with your approach to dating but in reality relationships are not that black and white imo. I feel like this approach can work for some but the average person (even if sex isn't involved) cannot just date multiple people up to an engagement, cut them off like nothing and live happily ever after....emotions aren't light switches.


What happens when you have two great guys wanting marriage, do you go with the one that goes out and gets the ring first?

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Ya, this girl has balls. She'll end up ok.

The new definition of relationships and sex in this gender equality era are hurting us women. Back in the day, you didn't go "steady" for years if you were an adult. I'm not in a rush to marry, but I don't want to bide my time with a Negro who won't marry me.

Yep. A girl I mentioned in Relationship "What's Going on" has been with the same guy for about 3 years, has asked him for a commitment and threatened to go with someone else because she "could be engaged within the year" to someone else and he literally said "I'm not trippin." Yet because he accepts the sex, (and other guys accept it, as well as the cooking and cleaning) and has for years, she thinks she's prepared to give advice on how to keep a man. Ain't nobody want to keep that.

Meanwhile, when my SO of a few months took me to on a vacation she said "whoa! That's so soon." girl. You are hustling backwards. I can't sit up here and do a testimonial of my methods because I'm not married and very well never may be, but I'm not out here playing myself. That reminds me of this situation because, yeah, the girl may not be as nice to the guy as people think she should be, but I bet other than getting her face cracked that night when she was ready to accept a ring, she probably enjoys her life whether she gets proposed to or not.

Please don't quote this

 

[barbiesocialite]

I appreciate your perspective and I hope it works for you.


In theory I agree with your approach to dating but in reality relationships are not that black and white imo. I feel like this approach can work for some but the average person (even if sex isn't involved) cannot just date multiple people up to an engagement, cut them off like nothing and live happily ever after....emotions aren't light switches.


What happens when you have two great guys wanting marriage, do you go with the one that goes out and gets the ring first?

I only men I date seriously are those that one to marry me. As stated in pervious threads, this goes back to my first boyfriend. Regardless if I want to marry them or even if I'm ready to get married, I date for security. Which means I only entertain secure options. Relative to other women, I get over an ex very quickly. why? because all my other options are good secure men that want to marry me. This is sorta why I've been engaged several times and not yet married. It's always on the table for me, even from the first date. However, I have certain things that I've always wanted to do or accomplish prior to getting married that still need to be done. Priorities. Like I said, at 16 my boyfriend wanted to marry me which I knew but it wasnt an option for me at the time (not why we broke up tho) and at now my mid-late twenties the man I'm dating wants to marry me even though I'm not ready yet (didnt finish grad school yet and still have parental issues I need to get straight before I become a wife and mother myself).

And no emotions aren't light switches. However, they can be regulated and controlled. Emotional-regulation is skill they teach children that many adults need to be reacquainted with.

People just want permission to run around free like wild banshees with their emotions/behaviors/actions so they can point fingers or place blame on others instead of taking personal responsibility. Any woman that wants to get married has the power to do so. Any woman that doesnt want to fall in love with the wrong man can avoid such bc she has the power to do so.

 

[Menina Preta]

InchHighPrivateEye, your girl is crazy. I don't accept advice from gfs who have been dating their men for four plus years with no ring or ring timeline. One gf looks at me sideways bc I refuse to regularly cook or clean my man's apt. She thinks his request is minimal. Mind you, she does all of that, plus goes Dutch, and she is still ringless. She had to say she was leaving him before he started to actually talk about marriage. They've been dating for more than four years.

I'd rather be a serial monogamist, doing me, than have to act like a pseudo-wife for him to even think of proposing. We shouldn't be giving them our all while dating, it's not healthy and you will suffer if you break up.

 

[Syrah]

I appreciate your perspective and I hope it works for you.

In theory I agree with your approach to dating but in reality relationships are not that black and white imo. I feel like this approach can work for some but the average person (even if sex isn't involved) cannot just date multiple people up to an engagement, cut them off like nothing and live happily ever after....emotions aren't light switches.

What happens when you have two great guys wanting marriage, do you go with the one that goes out and gets the ring first?

That's assuming that both men are on exactly equal footing - which in reality isn't likely. But to answer your question on a practical level - you do the assessment - what are you long term needs and wants and who is in a better position to provide/support/help build those needs/wants (and I'm not talking about financial "needs" but emotional and personal goal type needs).

But I guess part of it comes down to the degree to which you are emotional in your dating relationships. Emotions aren't like switches that you can turn off and on, but emotions also shouldn't be something you dole at random just because you're in a relationship. And I feel like women are more prone to this mistake.

We complicate things by getting waaaay too emotional too soon.

 

[Syrah]

I only men I date seriously are those that one to marry me. As stated in pervious threads, this goes back to my first boyfriend. Regardless if I want to marry them or even if I'm ready to get married, I date for security. Which means I only entertain secure options. Relative to other women, I get over an ex very quickly. why? because all my other options are good secure men that want to marry me. This is sorta why I've been engaged several times and not yet married. It's always on the table for me, even from the first date. However, I have certain things that I've always wanted to do or accomplish prior to getting married that still need to be done. Priorities. Like I said, at 16 my boyfriend wanted to marry me which I knew but it wasnt an option for me at the time (not why we broke up tho) and at now my mid-late twenties the man I'm dating wants to marry me even though I'm not ready yet (didnt finish grad school yet and still have parental issues I need to get straight before I become a wife and mother myself).

And no emotions aren't light switches. However, they can be regulated and controlled. Emotional-regulation is skill they teach children that many adults need to be reacquainted with.

People just want permission to run around free like wild banshees with their emotions/behaviors/actions so they can point fingers or place blame on others instead of taking personal responsibility. Any woman that wants to get married has the power to do so. Any woman that doesnt want to fall in love with the wrong man can avoid such bc she has the power to do so.

at "emotional banshees".



Sometimes I think women act like being completely emotionally invested is a requisite to being in a relationship. That's never been my style - even pre-learning-the-ways-of-the-zaynab.

 

[PopLife]

I only men I date seriously are those that one to marry me. As stated in pervious threads, this goes back to my first boyfriend. Regardless if I want to marry them or even if I'm ready to get married, I date for security. Which means I only entertain secure options. Relative to other women, I get over an ex very quickly. why? because all my other options are good secure men that want to marry me. This is sorta why I've been engaged several times and not yet married. It's always on the table for me, even from the first date. However, I have certain things that I've always wanted to do or accomplish prior to getting married that still need to be done. Priorities. Like I said, at 16 my boyfriend wanted to marry me which I knew but it wasnt an option for me at the time (not why we broke up tho) and at now my mid-late twenties the man I'm dating wants to marry me even though I'm not ready yet (didnt finish grad school yet and still have parental issues I need to get straight before I become a wife and mother myself).

And no emotions aren't light switches. However, they can be regulated and controlled. Emotional-regulation is skill they teach children that many adults need to be reacquainted with.

People just want permission to run around free like wild banshees with their emotions/behaviors/actions so they can point fingers or place blame on others instead of taking personal responsibility. Any woman that wants to get married has the power to do so. Any woman that doesnt want to fall in love with the wrong man can avoid such bc she has the power to do so.[/QUOTE]


Agreed...and part of that is not putting yourself in situations where that can happen, i.e., dating a handful of people at one time up until engagement. If a person actively has all these options laying around, every time something goes wrong in the relationship you are going to go running to those people and not learn how to work thru things. Exclusively dating prepares you for that, where in marriage there shouldn’t be any other options….

 

[isioma85]

That said, I think this thread was created haughtily & prematurely. Maybe OP can check back in with us in about a year or two and give us an update ...

You're caping hard as hell for someone you don't know right now. I enjoy reading your posts and perspective - but why I gotta be haughty though? I subscribe to multiplicity in dating just like my friend does. I'm not engaged either. I just find that her actions and words don't match up. Everything I've said in this thread I said to her face ( or at least her ear )

No need for sly insults abeg.

 

[Syrah]

Agreed...and part of that is not putting yourself in situations where that can happen, i.e., dating a handful of people at one time up until engagement. If a person actively has all these options laying around, every time something goes wrong in the relationship you are going to go running to those people and not learn how to work thru things. Exclusively dating prepares you for that, where in marriage there shouldn’t be any other options….

I actually think the running around to other people is a direct result of uncontrolled emotions.

IMO the "exclusive dating" isn't what prepares one for a marriage - its the attitude that one has about that relationship that does. Whether exclusivity existed before the marriage or not, how I react to/respond to my partner MUST change once married. And I guess what I'm saying is that I reserve THOSE responses ONLY for someone I deem marriagable.

And I think this is the problem - a lot of women "act" married (not the cooking and cleaning stuff, but how they respond to their partner) way too soon, often when the men they are dating are not mirroring that response. So dude is responding like a boyfriend while homegirl is responding like a fiance/wife.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Agreed...and part of that is not putting yourself in situations where that can happen, i.e., dating a handful of people at one time up until engagement. If a person actively has all these options laying around, every time something goes wrong in the relationship you are going to go running to those people and not learn how to work thru things. Exclusively dating prepares you for that, where in marriage there shouldn’t be any other options….

umm no. dating ≠ emotional investment. Again, my emotional investment is limted by the stage of the relationship. The only people my emotions are invested in, i.e. who I go running to for SERIOUS matters are my parents, grandmother and 3-4 personal friends. My emotional needs are met at present. I don't need a man to fulfill them for the most part. THere is emotional desire that I have left, I think, is for a DH. (again I'm on the fence as in if/when I want to marry). I've never gotten past the ring and hypothetical bridesmaid arrangements . EXCLUSIVITY isnt a realm of emotional investment that I was raised to believe unless you are married (again, I was raised HARDCORE conservative Christian---not just the fake "my folks made me go to church" types ). I didnt follow the virgin bit (although I' ve had a lot less sex than most women my age ) but I followed the emotional aspect. My heart, love, emotions are sacred. They wont be given to someone romantically until I decide officially he is "it." This is why my current guy friend, although we've been dating on and off for 2 years (entirely my choice, he's persistent and pressed to marry but he honestly isnt it for me) still has the title of "my guy friend" I don't call him boyfriend or SO IRL.

 

[barbiesocialite]

You're caping hard as hell for someone you don't know right now. I enjoy reading your posts and perspective - but why I gotta be haughty though? I subscribe to multiplicity in dating just like my friend does. I'm not engaged either. I just find that her actions and words don't match up. Everything I've said in this thread I said to her face ( or at least her ear )

No need for sly insults abeg.

@isioma85 I love your posts, you know I have a slick arse mouth. But come on, you know this thread is some female-ish. We all guilty sometimes

 

[isioma85]

@isioma85 I love your posts, you know I have a slick arse mouth. But come on, you know this thread is some female-ish. We all guilty sometimes

I feel you As much as this situation amuses me, I do know if it had worked out with the Giant's player this would have been a totally different thread.

 

[PopLife]

umm no. dating ≠ emotional investment. Again, my emotional investment is limted by the stage of the relationship. The only people my emotions are invested in, i.e. who I go running to for SERIOUS matters are my parents, grandmother and 3-4 personal friends. My emotional needs are met at present. I don't need a man to fulfill them for the most part. THere is emotional desire that I have left, I think, is for a DH. (again I'm on the fence as in if/when I want to marry). I've never gotten past the ring and hypothetical bridesmaid arrangements . EXCLUSIVITY isnt a realm of emotional investment that I was raised to believe unless you are married (again, I was raised HARDCORE conservative Christian---not just the fake "my folks made me go to church" types ). I didnt follow the virgin bit (although I' ve had a lot less sex than most women my age ) but I followed the emotional aspect. My heart, love, emotions are sacred. They wont be given to someone romantically until I decide officially he is "it." This is why my current guy friend, although we've been dating on and off for 2 years (entirely my choice, he's persistent and pressed to marry but he honestly isnt it for me) still has the title of "my guy friend" I don't call him boyfriend or SO IRL.

I agree with this and I do feel like we as women need to be taught this as little girls.

I just don't think you have to go around dating multiple people to avoid being emotionally invested in a relationship. If you are truly in control of your emotions you know how to control your emotions and actions in a relationship. When it is no longer working for you, you leave (regardless of other options) and meet someone else. Never been a problem for me.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I only men I date seriously are those that one to marry me. As stated in pervious threads, this goes back to my first boyfriend. Regardless if I want to marry them or even if I'm ready to get married, I date for security. Which means I only entertain secure options. Relative to other women, I get over an ex very quickly. why? because all my other options are good secure men that want to marry me. This is sorta why I've been engaged several times and not yet married. It's always on the table for me, even from the first date. However, I have certain things that I've always wanted to do or accomplish prior to getting married that still need to be done. Priorities. Like I said, at 16 my boyfriend wanted to marry me which I knew but it wasnt an option for me at the time (not why we broke up tho) and at now my mid-late twenties the man I'm dating wants to marry me even though I'm not ready yet (didnt finish grad school yet and still have parental issues I need to get straight before I become a wife and mother myself).

And no emotions aren't light switches. However, they can be regulated and controlled. Emotional-regulation is skill they teach children that many adults need to be reacquainted with.

People just want permission to run around free like wild banshees with their emotions/behaviors/actions so they can point fingers or place blame on others instead of taking personal responsibility. Any woman that wants to get married has the power to do so. Any woman that doesnt want to fall in love with the wrong man can avoid such bc she has the power to do so.

I agree with all of bolded, especially the last paragraph. Makes mucho sense.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I agree with this and I do feel like we as women need to be taught this as little girls.

I just don't think you have to go around dating multiple people to avoid being emotionally invested in a relationship. If you are truly in control of your emotions you know how to control your emotions and actions in a relationship. When it is no longer working for you, you leave (regardless of other options) and meet someone else. Never been a problem for me.

I hate to use this term but the fact of the matter is I think a lot of women get used up. By the time they meet the right man, there is nothing left sacred to give to him because every other man has had equal parts of the heart, body, soul and life. Some may find it trivial or unncessary but there are lot of my parts that are on reserve for a DH, that includes monogamy--which for me would be emotional more than physical. Again, for me sex isnt a problem (although I do have certain sexual behaviors on reserve for a DH including frequent sex, raw-dogging, me going on bc, anal and a couple other things). I treat frienship the same way. I'm not as close with some friends as I am with others. and that also affects my loyalty as well. I can count on one hand the number of family members and personal friends I am committed aka loyal to. *shrugs* I dont care what others think or feel about it, its something to be earned from me and jsut because others feel they deserve or desire that spot with me doesnt mean I'm going to give it. I do things at my own pace. My loved ones (those that I would say I love) have given me good reason to put them in a position. Ive been hurt a lot less than most and my close interpersonal relationships/friendships last longer than many womens.

The correlation might not be the same for other women but I treat my relationships/dating like friendships. Not all people I chill with, spend time with or enjoy their company are associates in my mind. Not all associates are my friends. And not all my friends are loved ones. Yet I still spend time with many people, take from that what you like.....

 

[Syrah]

I hate to use this term but the fact of the matter is I think a lot of women get used up. By the time they meet the right man, there is nothing left sacred to give to him because every other man has had equal parts of the heart, body, soul and life. Some may find it trivial or unncessary but there are lot of my parts that are on reserve for a DH, that includes monogamy--which for me would be emotional more than physical. Again, for me sex isnt a problem (although I do have certain sexual behaviors on reserve for a DH including frequent sex, raw-dogging, me going on bc, anal and a couple other things). I treat frienship the same way. I'm not as close with some friends as I am with others. and that also affects my loyalty as well. I can count on one hand the number of family members and personal friends I am committed aka loyal to. *shrugs* I dont care what others think or feel about it, its something to be earned from me and jsut because others feel they deserve or desire that spot with me doesnt mean I'm going to give it. I do things at my own pace. My loved ones (those that I would say I love) have given me good reason to put them in a position. Ive been hurt a lot less than most and my close interpersonal relationships/friendships last longer than many womens.

The correlation might not be the same for other women but I treat my relationships/dating like friendships. Not all people I chill with, spend time with or enjoy their company are associates in my mind. Not all associates are my friends. And not all my friends are loved ones. Yet I still spend time with many people, take from that what you like.....

Gospel....

 

[LaBelleLL]

@InchHighPrivateEye, your girl is crazy. I don't accept advice from gfs who have been dating their men for four plus years with no ring or ring timeline. One gf looks at me sideways bc I refuse to regularly cook or clean my man's apt. She thinks his request is minimal. Mind you, she does all of that, plus goes Dutch, and she is still ringless. She had to say she was leaving him before he started to actually talk about marriage. They've been dating for more than four years.

I'd rather be a serial monogamist, doing me, than have to act like a pseudo-wife for him to even think of proposing. We shouldn't be giving them our all while dating, it's not healthy and you will suffer if you break up.

that right there is so crazy to me. i don't get it.

I hate to use this term but the fact of the matter is I think a lot of women get used up. By the time they meet the right man, there is nothing left sacred to give to him because every other man has had equal parts of the heart, body, soul and life. Some may find it trivial or unncessary but there are lot of my parts that are on reserve for a DH, that includes monogamy--which for me would be emotional more than physical. Again, for me sex isnt a problem (although I do have certain sexual behaviors on reserve for a DH including frequent sex, raw-dogging, me going on bc, anal and a couple other things). I treat frienship the same way. I'm not as close with some friends as I am with others. and that also affects my loyalty as well. I can count on one hand the number of family members and personal friends I am committed aka loyal to. *shrugs* I dont care what others think or feel about it, its something to be earned from me and jsut because others feel they deserve or desire that spot with me doesnt mean I'm going to give it. I do things at my own pace. My loved ones (those that I would say I love) have given me good reason to put them in a position. Ive been hurt a lot less than most and my close interpersonal relationships/friendships last longer than many womens.

The correlation might not be the same for other women but I treat my relationships/dating like friendships. Not all people I chill with, spend time with or enjoy their company are associates in my mind. Not all associates are my friends. And not all my friends are loved ones. Yet I still spend time with many people, take from that what you like.....

so i think you and i get to the same point but have different methods. (you still have me lost on dating other people when you have a serious bf who wants to marry you & you want to marry). the bolded, i agree with 100%. i quote for emphasis b/c i think this is something that is ignored when advice is given out here and generaly. yes, date. but not only do you date for marriage but you need to make a distinction between being a gf and a wife. boundaries are so important and it's ok to have them. and i don't even agree with it being ok to have whored around for x number of years before settling down. that's just ME but your point profoundly speaks to that.

 

[barbiesocialite]

that right there is so crazy to me. i don't get it.



so i think you and i get to the same point but have different methods. (you still have me lost on dating other people when you have a serious bf who wants to marry you & you want to marry). the bolded, i agree with 100%. i quote for emphasis b/c i think this is something that is ignored when advice is given out here and generaly. yes, date. but not only do you date for marriage but you need to make a distinction between being a gf and a wife. boundaries are so important and it's ok to have them. and i don't even agree with it being ok to have whored around for x number of years before settling down. that's just ME but your point profoundly speaks to that.

This probably sounds bad, but everyone I allow close to me in my life probably initially loved me more than I loved them. Seeing how much someone else loves me is what makes me love other people. Yes, I understand to some that may seem very selfish an/or narcissistic. It works for me for my own well-being. I believe you should always be your own #1 priority.

 

[Zaynab]

I wanted to post something and I had this big old long post but I'm so frustrated by the other thread, I can't even start in on this one. Apparently I don'tn understand most womens definition of exclusive and you all don't understand mine. I give up though. Barbie you can continue to post in this thread and use my thoughts I give up. I've been saying the same thing for about seven years, and I'm gonna say something that might sting but I have had folks PM'ing me for seven years for dating advice that are still single that are still doing the same thing. Clearly your method isn't work.

But what I really came in here to comment on: Who asked about did men date multiple women before they got engaged? I saw that in this thread but I skimmed it and didn't have time to go back. Let me pick myself up off the floor for a minute.

If anyone at all believes their SO/DH/MAN whatever wasn't dating other people before he decided to commit to you then you're crazy. The point at which a man decides to commit to you is more of a mental shift for him first and then it would be when he clearly states his intentions with you. But see this is where men and women differ, men aren't telling ya'll that and you might not know but while you're dropping dudes after four dates, he's still communicating with someone, somehow. He's weeding women out, trying to decide if you're the one.

You think you meet a single man, you become bf/gf or whatever this is you all call it and he's still not seeing other women? I don't mean sex and I don't mean going on dates 3-4 times a week but he ABSOLUTELY has women in his back pocket that he knows likes him, is interested in a relationship with him and are waiting to see if it works out with you. Why else would a "marriage minded" man drag his feet to commit/engage himself to a woman? He's still trying to decide if "you're the one". It's not until he arrives at that point do they cut loose their "female friends". You know you/me/we have all heard it. You meet a guy and you get to know each other...so are you seeing anyone? I'm not in a relationship but I have "friends". Oh OK. bet those girls didn't know they were "friends". And then after you mentally committed to said man after "4 dates and one sex" you never ask about those friends again or you assume they went away like you stopped contacting all your guys. OH Ok.

If this wasn't the case, as I said in the other thread--we wouldn't have so many women tell these stories of how they were "dating/seeing/sleeping with/hanging out" all the words you all use to describe these scenarios and you either find out from him, a friend, social networking, etc that he got engaged, got married, etc. And when confronted with it most of those men are like "it wasn't like that with us" Tell me I'm lying. Seriously, women have men getting engaged/married "on them" ALL the time. Most won't admit it but I hear it like....2x a month at least. Like, anyone sitting up here telling me that you don't know men consider themselves single until engaged/married is crazy. They don't put all their eggs in the basket initially at all. And when they do make the shift, as I said--it's more mental for them, they will drop the other people pretty quickly and then go into a plan of action with you, whether that means discussing and laying out plans to get engaged, married, meet your family, make plans, whatever. But until that moment, he is absolutely seeing women.

 

[Zaynab]

that right there is so crazy to me. i don't get it.



so i think you and i get to the same point but have different methods. (you still have me lost on dating other people when you have a serious bf who wants to marry you & you want to marry). the bolded, i agree with 100%. i quote for emphasis b/c i think this is something that is ignored when advice is given out here and generaly. yes, date. but not only do you date for marriage but you need to make a distinction between being a gf and a wife. boundaries are so important and it's ok to have them. and i don't even agree with it being ok to have whored around for x number of years before settling down. that's just ME but your point profoundly speaks to that.

I have explained this with step by step instructions with Man A, B, C, D clearly in about 100 posts on this subject over like seven years. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I wanted to post something and I had this big old long post but I'm so frustrated by the other thread, I can't even start in on this one. Apparently I don'tn understand most womens definition of exclusive and you all don't understand mine. I give up though. Barbie you can continue to post in this thread and use my thoughts I give up. I've been saying the same thing for about seven years, and I'm gonna say something that might sting but I have had folks PM'ing me for seven years for dating advice that are still single that are still doing the same thing. Clearly your method isn't work.

But what I really came in here to comment on: Who asked about did men date multiple women before they got engaged? I saw that in this thread but I skimmed it and didn't have time to go back. Let me pick myself up off the floor for a minute.

If anyone at all believes their SO/DH/MAN whatever wasn't dating other people before he decided to commit to you then you're crazy. The point at which a man decides to commit to you is more of a mental shift for him first and then it would be when he clearly states his intentions with you. But see this is where men and women differ, men aren't telling ya'll that and you might not know but while you're dropping dudes after four dates, he's still communicating with someone, somehow. He's weeding women out, trying to decide if you're the one.

You think you meet a single man, you become bf/gf or whatever this is you all call it and he's still not seeing other women? I don't mean sex and I don't mean going on dates 3-4 times a week but he ABSOLUTELY has women in his back pocket that he knows likes him, is interested in a relationship with him and are waiting to see if it works out with you. Why else would a "marriage minded" man drag his feet to commit/engage himself to a woman? He's still trying to decide if "you're the one". It's not until he arrives at that point do they cut loose their "female friends". You know you/me/we have all heard it. You meet a guy and you get to know each other...so are you seeing anyone? I'm not in a relationship but I have "friends". Oh OK. bet those girls didn't know they were "friends". And then after you mentally committed to said man after "4 dates and one sex" you never ask about those friends again or you assume they went away like you stopped contacting all your guys. OH Ok.

If this wasn't the case, as I said in the other thread--we wouldn't have so many women tell these stories of how they were "dating/seeing/sleeping with/hanging out" all the words you all use to describe these scenarios and you either find out from him, a friend, social networking, etc that he got engaged, got married, etc. And when confronted with it most of those men are like "it wasn't like that with us" Tell me I'm lying. Seriously, women have men getting engaged/married "on them" ALL the time. Most won't admit it but I hear it like....2x a month at least. Like, anyone sitting up here telling me that you don't know men consider themselves single until engaged/married is crazy. They don't put all their eggs in the basket initially at all. And when they do make the shift, as I said--it's more mental for them, they will drop the other people pretty quickly and then go into a plan of action with you, whether that means discussing and laying out plans to get engaged, married, meet your family, make plans, whatever. But until that moment, he is absolutely seeing women.

And let the church say: AMEN.

END.OF.THREAD

 

[PopLife]

This probably sounds bad, but everyone I allow close to me in my life probably initially loved me more than I loved them. Seeing how much someone else loves me is what makes me love other people. Yes, I understand to some that may seem very selfish an/or narcissistic. It works for me for my own well-being. I believe you should always be your own #1 priority.

So what happens if your husband stops loving you, do you instantly stop loving him? Do you feel the same why about children?

I really find your views on dating and love interesting...just picking your brain.

 

[FelaShrine]

Meanwhile, when my SO of a few months took me to on a vacation she said "whoa! That's so soon." girl. You are hustling backwards. I can't sit up here and do a testimonial of my methods because I'm not married and very well never may be, but I'm not out here playing myself. That reminds me of this situation because, yeah, the girl may not be as nice to the guy as people think she should be, but I bet other than getting her face cracked that night when she was ready to accept a ring, she probably enjoys her life whether she gets proposed to or not.

Im not PA so I quote everything!

She WILL be fine, only reason why people even know about that egg on her fce is cos she shares her business/feelings with others. That's it. Had she not told people her expectations, no one would know ish and commenters would not be able to use her dating others as a reason why she deserved it

How many times must I say that WOMEN TALK TOO DAMN MUCH

 

[barbiesocialite]

So what happens if your husband stops loving you, do you instantly stop loving him? Do you feel the same why about children?

I really find your views on dating and love interesting...just picking your brain.

Children are in a category of their own. No one else can ever fall into such a position. Your children are the only people I feel you are OBLIGATED to give UNCONDITIONAL love. Why? they are the only ones not given have a choice. No parent is perfect and even if my children decide they hate me, yes I will still love them.

Everyone, DH included, love is conditional and something to be earned. My attitude about marriage is about the institution not romantic love. I'm devoted to the instituion of marriage, I love my husband but it is my commitment to the marriage that will keep me. I take marriage seriously. Thats a level of commitment I'm not yet ready for so I havent taken the plunge. Overall, I am very Fascinanting Womanhood about relationships. I'll use a husband's role of being a provider and protector as example. This is the primary way in which a husband shows love, IME & IMO. If my husband is slacking on providing & protecting long-term yes there is a risk I might fall out of love with him. However, unless he is failing in that area I will remain devoted, bc I am devoted to the marriage.

 

[Syrah]

I wanted to post something and I had this big old long post but I'm so frustrated by the other thread, I can't even start in on this one. Apparently I don'tn understand most womens definition of exclusive and you all don't understand mine. I give up though. Barbie you can continue to post in this thread and use my thoughts I give up. I've been saying the same thing for about seven years, and I'm gonna say something that might sting but I have had folks PM'ing me for seven years for dating advice that are still single that are still doing the same thing. Clearly your method isn't work.

But what I really came in here to comment on: Who asked about did men date multiple women before they got engaged? I saw that in this thread but I skimmed it and didn't have time to go back. Let me pick myself up off the floor for a minute.

If anyone at all believes their SO/DH/MAN whatever wasn't dating other people before he decided to commit to you then you're crazy. The point at which a man decides to commit to you is more of a mental shift for him first and then it would be when he clearly states his intentions with you. But see this is where men and women differ, men aren't telling ya'll that and you might not know but while you're dropping dudes after four dates, he's still communicating with someone, somehow. He's weeding women out, trying to decide if you're the one.

You think you meet a single man, you become bf/gf or whatever this is you all call it and he's still not seeing other women? I don't mean sex and I don't mean going on dates 3-4 times a week but he ABSOLUTELY has women in his back pocket that he knows likes him, is interested in a relationship with him and are waiting to see if it works out with you. Why else would a "marriage minded" man drag his feet to commit/engage himself to a woman? He's still trying to decide if "you're the one". It's not until he arrives at that point do they cut loose their "female friends". You know you/me/we have all heard it. You meet a guy and you get to know each other...so are you seeing anyone? I'm not in a relationship but I have "friends". Oh OK. bet those girls didn't know they were "friends". And then after you mentally committed to said man after "4 dates and one sex" you never ask about those friends again or you assume they went away like you stopped contacting all your guys. OH Ok.

If this wasn't the case, as I said in the other thread--we wouldn't have so many women tell these stories of how they were "dating/seeing/sleeping with/hanging out" all the words you all use to describe these scenarios and you either find out from him, a friend, social networking, etc that he got engaged, got married, etc. And when confronted with it most of those men are like "it wasn't like that with us" Tell me I'm lying. Seriously, women have men getting engaged/married "on them" ALL the time. Most won't admit it but I hear it like....2x a month at least. Like, anyone sitting up here telling me that you don't know men consider themselves single until engaged/married is crazy. They don't put all their eggs in the basket initially at all. And when they do make the shift, as I said--it's more mental for them, they will drop the other people pretty quickly and then go into a plan of action with you, whether that means discussing and laying out plans to get engaged, married, meet your family, make plans, whatever. But until that moment, he is absolutely seeing women.

... But you know ladies are going to go home to their dudes and ask "honey, what do you think of the single-until-married" concept and report back with "well....my man said that single-until-married is nonsense/an excuse to sleep around" (or some other canned response he knows you want to hear).

Now ask your male friends, especially any male that knows he is a catch, and I'd be shocked if he said anything different.

...and maybe that's the point. Stop using YOUR man as a data point and start talking to men who have nothing to lose in being real about their approach.

 

[Zaynab]

... But you know ladies are going to go home to their ladies and ask "honey, what do you think of the single-until-married" concept and report back with "well....my man said that single-until-married is nonsense/an excuse to sleep around" (or some other canned response he knows you want to hear).

Now ask your male friends, especially any male that knows he is a catch, and I'd be shocked if he said anything different.

...and maybe that's the point. Stop using YOUR man as a data point and start talking to men who have nothing to lose in being real about their approach.

I was just in another thread and someone said "well I've asked players/married men/etc" and they all don't agree... If you can't get the concept of what I'm saying, how are you going to explain it to a man?

Seriously--I don't think women have male friends. I don't. Men that just talk to them real. But men are reallly afraid to do that to be judged and also they don't want to lose you. No man is going to say yes I've been seeing other people while in an 'exclusive' relationship with you.

I will use myself as an example: I went on a date about a month before I got engaged, like ring in hand *shrugs*. DH was in spot #1 but if someone asked me out, I'd go. DH had laid his plans out that "you're the person I want to marry" in three weeks. OK and ??? That's just a statement, not a plan. That's the stuff that would make most women stop dating ALL the men they know and dream and wait. I however, continued to date other guys casually, DH did get the main spot because he was the one I was most interested in. Now I never asked DH if he was dating other people--because when I met him he was like "I have friends" His vague declaration of "I wanna marry you" was not anything of substance to me--so I kept weeding them out--seeing people. When a friend of his saw me out with a guy, he asked me about it and I said "oh he's a friend, no big deal" very sweetly. This is where most women would mess up--they would apologize or explain. That is how you look guilty and it looks like "cheating". WTF am I gonna explain who I'm with for and you're "dating" me After that, he was all like I want to be with you, exclusively, etc. There goes that word. He tried to throw me the bone most women catch. Knowing that statement meant "I wanna be boyfriend/girlfriend" exclusive trap most women fall into that goes nowhere. I said "I told you when I met you I was dating for marriage". He was like "oh I said I wanted to marry you when I first met you". OH OK. And?? Well that stepped the game up, didn't it. He then sort of went to work, like clearly laying out goals, his intentions, not that vague "I wanna marry you stuff". Also-remember, I didn't take the bone he offered. I could have and he wouldn't have been pressed to go forward. I didn't accept terroritorial I wanna lock you down, while I"m out doing my own thing because I'm a competitive man stuff--because ladies once you accept that-he gets comfy and he was won.

DH and I are best friends. Only a man thats truly comfortable with you will tell you things or feel free of judgement. When we got engaged, Dh said "So we're gonna call it even right?" I ABSOLUTELY knew what he meant-he meant so you're gonna stop seeing people and I am too--because I'm sure he had some chicks in the pocket. The funnier thing was when we bumped into a girl and she was looking like and he said "hey this is my fiancee" She had the "oh no wonder I haven't seen him or heard from him lately" look on her face. Because also ladies men don't call up the back pocket chicks and tell them they're getting engaged/married--see my previous post on that. He also told me said girl later called him and plainly asked "why didn't you ask me to marry you". He said "it wasn't like that, I wasn't trying to be with you like that, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, we were just friends". If you've never heard that before or heard a man say tell your friend/sister/cousin/whatever you're lying

 

[Zaynab]

So what happens if your husband stops loving you, do you instantly stop loving him? Do you feel the same why about children?

I really find your views on dating and love interesting...just picking your brain.

Husbands can be disposable, children are not. You love them in separate boxes. People will fail you so you have to know that love isn't always as unconditional as you think it is

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

LMAO FelaShrine.

Barbie and Zaynab could teach a class. I feel like what you're saying is common sense broken down, but women will guilt other women out of keeping their options open and not playing a slave (that's not related to this thread; more related to my personal tangent that I brought up earlier and am still salty about) to any man that will have them.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Zaynab

Think we're giving TMI. Folks bout to OD on the info. Think some peeps need time to digest so they can come back later and be like "they were right...."

 

[LaBelleLL]

I have explained this with step by step instructions with Man A, B, C, D clearly in about 100 posts on this subject over like seven years. I don't know how else to explain it.

i mean i guess? your explanations aren't the issue though right? people get frustrated b/c they don't realize that some methods don't work for other people for several. like real talk, i'm in my last year of law school and in probably one of my busiest semesters. i coudln't imagine being with SO and dating other people right now. now if i were in some rando 9-5 with a pretty consistent schedule- that would be a different story.

also to be honest, the scenrios you describes (and ones that other posters describe as well) do not apply to me all. i just woudln't be in those positions. so maybe you guys are speaking to me.

eta: just read your post with your DH and I see what you mean. i still think that's a method that everyone doesn't necessarily need to employ.