SHACKING up..... are you down?

[Imani]

I wanna say, naw I ain't down. But maaaaan, $50 on electric just sounds so much better than $100. U mean I only gotta give comcast $50 a month instead of $100, word??? Them $$$ are enticing!

But seriously, everyone has to evaluate their own situations, but naw, in general its not a good look. The one time I considered it, it was strictly for financial reasons. Later found out, thats not how he was looking at, he was on some wanting me to play wifey ish. I'm straight on "playing house". I'm your GIRLFRIEND, not your wife, so I'm playing my position and not doing wifely type ish.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

I wanna say, naw I ain't down. But maaaaan, $50 on electric just sounds so much better than $100. U mean I only gotta give comcast $50 a month instead of $100, word??? Them $$$ are enticing!

But seriously, everyone has to evaluate their own situations, but naw, in general its not a good look. The one time I considered it, it was strictly for financial reasons. Later found out, thats not how he was looking at, he was on some wanting me to play wifey ish. I'm straight on "playing house". I'm your GIRLFRIEND, not your wife, so I'm playing my position and not doing wifely type ish.

girl i wish i would go halfsy with a nicca!!! naaah, i'll get a nice & quiet foreign roommate 1st

my best friend and her husband actually go 50:50 on everything!!! and she is in a very happy marriage... so I've learned to each hiz' own

 

[YasashiiSekai]

Well, I don't really see the point of living together if you're not married.
You might as well be.

 

[Bunny77]

I wanna say, naw I ain't down. But maaaaan, $50 on electric just sounds so much better than $100. U mean I only gotta give comcast $50 a month instead of $100, word??? Them $$$ are enticing!

But seriously, everyone has to evaluate their own situations, but naw, in general its not a good look. The one time I considered it, it was strictly for financial reasons. Later found out, thats not how he was looking at, he was on some wanting me to play wifey ish. I'm straight on "playing house". I'm your GIRLFRIEND, not your wife, so I'm playing my position and not doing wifely type ish.

The funny thing though is that the people who say they move in together for financial reasons (saving money) usually don't have na'an dollar to their name when they break up.

Even on this board, you always hear some story of some woman who wants to move out, but she can't because she can't afford a security deposit on a new place or pay bills or get the cell phone out of his name, etc.

And I'm thinking, why the heck don't you have any money? You said you moved in with the dude to save money right? So where's the money that you supposedly should have been saving?

Which is why I actually think the "saving money" idea is the WORST reason to move in with a man... most times, these couples have no thought out plan about why they're shacking, how long they plan to shack, what they plan to do if the relationship ends, if they're thinking of marriage, etc... nah, they just move in.

I just think that folks who choose to live together need to put WAY more thought than they typically do as to why they're making that decision.

 

[yaddad123]

There should be no reason for a couple to shack up. Either you should get married or live separate - call me old fashion. If a guy asks you to shack up, he has no respect for you and vice versa.

Stay posted!!

 

[alima]

This thread is great.

My SO and I were actually planning on getting an apartment this year together to save money and save the hassle of living separately. This past school year he practically lived in my room. He slept with me every night and halfway through the year most of his clothes were in my room too. So I figured we might as well move in together this year and just get a 2 bedroom apartment for when we need out space. We'd save about $2000 each just by moving off campus. But after reading this thread, I decided I don't want to live with him before we are at least engaged.

When I told him I didn't want to and his response was "you dont wanna be a shacker? well too bad. i need to live with you to make sure that you're not crazy."

guess we shall see what happens when we graduate college

 

[nappystorm]

No, no and hell no. I did it once because I was unemployed and I figured I could let someone pay the bills but it ended up being more expensive. The rent was cut but the utilities, gas, and food costs skyrocketed. So I was better off before he moved in. And he managed to lose his job not to mention he took full advantage of GA squatter's law when I tried to put him out.

 

[nappystorm]

The funny thing though is that the people who say they move in together for financial reasons (saving money) usually don't have na'an dollar to their name when they break up.

Even on this board, you always hear some story of some woman who wants to move out, but she can't because she can't afford a security deposit on a new place or pay bills or get the cell phone out of his name, etc.

And I'm thinking, why the heck don't you have any money? You said you moved in with the dude to save money right? So where's the money that you supposedly should have been saving?

Which is why I actually think the "saving money" idea is the WORST reason to move in with a man... most times, these couples have no thought out plan about why they're shacking, how long they plan to shack, what they plan to do if the relationship ends, if they're thinking of marriage, etc... nah, they just move in.

I just think that folks who choose to live together need to put WAY more thought than they typically do as to why they're making that decision.

That was my situation. I couldn't even afford to file for eviction. Another thing, he was horrible with money but wanted to control everything because he was the "man". What a fool I was.

 

[Bunny77]

That was my situation. I couldn't even afford to file for eviction. Another thing, he was horrible with money but wanted to control everything because he was the "man". What a fool I was.

Glad you got out of there! And yes, you live and learn... and it sounds like you definitely learned from your situation!

I've always said I never had a moral or ethical issue with shacking up (for myself and for others), and I know multiple couples who went on to have seemingly good marriages. These couples though seemed to always be discussing the future and WHY they were making the choice to shack.

But, I know way too many other people who just went into it blindly without really thinking about the future. Everything was based on the temporary -- "Well, we're always together anyway and it's just cheaper to live together, so why not?"

Which might have been true, but then what? Are you gonna live together with the intention of marriage in the near future? Until you find a different partner? Until forever just because you got comfortable? How many years do you plan to do this? What are you doing in the meantime with all of this money that you're supposedly saving? Or are you just readjusting your lifestyle to have more spending money (if you are actually saving by shacking up) and not actually "saving" much of anything?

I mean, what's the end goal here? I think more folks (especially young people) need to give this type of issue WAY more thought than they do...

Because seriously, it is NOT worth it to have to go through a stressful divorce-like process to move out of a house or apartment (or kick someone out) when you're not even married to the man!

 

[MzLady78]

There should be no reason for a couple to shack up. Either you should get married or live separate - call me old fashion. If a guy asks you to shack up, he has no respect for you and vice versa.

Stay posted!!

Wow, really?

Again, as I've said, I see both sides of the issue, but I think that's a HUGE generalization to make.

 

[phynestone]

I've been asked to in the past and I don't agree with it. At all. If a man can live with you and get all of the perks that come with it, he can marry you. It's that simple. I draw the line here. Yes, I've had premarital sex and there's nothing I can do about my torn hymen now. But I can do something about living with a man before marriage, and this is my stance.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

^^^^^ thanks for the TMI

i agree

THAT'S Y I ASKED WHAT WOULD YOU "WANT" YOUR DAUGHTER TO DO?
IF YOU EXAMINED OUR LIVES, FAMILY, FRIENDS.......
WOMEN OFTEN ACCEPT SHYYYTE WE WOULD NEVER WANT......NEVER ALLOW OUR DAUGHTERS TO ACCEPT

IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ON "ANYTHING" BETWEEN YOU AND A MAN...... STEP BACK AND ASK IF YOU'D WANT THIS SAME THING...... OR THIS SAME SCENARIO, KIND OF MAN FOR YOUR DAUGHTER?

i laugh b/c often we wouldn't even want our daughters to DATE the men we date (adjusting age of course)

 

[phynestone]

I just needed some humor.

I wouldn't want my daughter to live with a man either prior to marriage.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

You don't really know a person until you live with them. I am a firm believer of that. There are some little nitpicky things you don't discover until after you're living under the same roof. Like anything I do in my life I like to thoroughly research something before I make a LIFE long commitment... yes... LIFE LONG.

I'll only move in with a person if we have a serious commitment leading to marriage. I'm not saying we have to be engaged, but that needs to be the next step.



ETA: Tis easier to break a lease than to get a divorce. I want to know I am 100% compatible before I walk down the aisle.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

I wanna say, naw I ain't down. But maaaaan, $50 on electric just sounds so much better than $100. U mean I only gotta give comcast $50 a month instead of $100, word??? Them $$$ are enticing!

But seriously, everyone has to evaluate their own situations, but naw, in general its not a good look. The one time I considered it, it was strictly for financial reasons. Later found out, thats not how he was looking at, he was on some wanting me to play wifey ish. I'm straight on "playing house". I'm your GIRLFRIEND, not your wife, so I'm playing my position and not doing wifely type ish.

It's funny, but I was going to say that I'd live with a man if he was supporting me, and I could therefore ferret away my own earnings. I'm thinking more of a sugar-daddy rather than a roommate.

Oh, and I'd want my own room as well.

 

[princessnad]

Yes I agree with shacking.

Bad choices in men and finances happen whether you live together or not. Be smart about who you get in close relationships with and how you go about those relationships and you can live your life how you see fit.

Don't even get me started on people who have moral outrage when it comes to living together then goes on to say how good their last "session" was with their boyfriend.

 

[Blyss_curls]

I think for some individuals, living together works fine. But seemingly only in cases where there's an understanding (whether spoken or not), that there won't be a ceremony at some point.

I also think that there are those that should never, under any circumstances--cohabitate. That's when one person wants the ceremony and marriage, and the other does not. That's a recipe for disaster, hurt feelings, broken hearts, etc.

Some people try to tell themselves that they don't need "something else", that they are fine with living w/a partner. They seem to talk themselves into it, under the guise of how enlightened and/or progressive they are. But they are only lying to themselves, and ultimately stuff a lot of anger, hurt feelings and resentment.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

You don't really know a person until you live with them. I am a firm believer of that. There are some little nitpicky things you don't discover until after you're living under the same roof. Like anything I do in my life I like to thoroughly research something before I make a LIFE long commitment... yes... LIFE LONG.

I'll only move in with a person if we have a serious commitment leading to marriage. I'm not saying we have to be engaged, but that needs to be the next step.



ETA: Tis easier to break a lease than to get a divorce. I want to know I am 100% compatible before I walk down the aisle.

I want to know what some of these things are, because people say this all of the time. You make a good point, though you will never be 100% compatible with someone. In fact, this is the main difference I see between Westernized marriage and marriages in other parts of the world. We go into marriage expecting 100% perfection while others understand that there will need to be compromise from day 1. I have my theories on this.

 

[HennaRo]

Our whole physical relationship we have been living together. I would rather have had my own place and eventually move in but it didn't work out that way.

You don't really know how people are until you move in together and that is really true. You get to see all of there ticks, such as not really showering everyday(in Fl it's a must!) not cleaning up after themselves, leaving dirty dishes around, never washing their clothes and much more. Sometimes it's a real turn off, but some people believe that if your partner sees you doing certian things then eventually they will follow.

 

[princessnad]

I think for some individuals, living together works fine. But seemingly only in cases where there's an understanding (whether spoken or not), that there won't be a ceremony at some point.

I also think that there are those that should never, under any circumstances--cohabitate. That's when one person wants the ceremony and marriage, and the other does not. That's a recipe for disaster, hurt feelings, broken hearts, etc.

Some people try to tell themselves that they don't need "something else", that they are fine with living w/a partner. They seem to talk themselves into it, under the guise of how enlightened and/or progressive they are. But they are only lying to themselves, and ultimately stuff a lot of anger, hurt feelings and resentment.

Isn't this a reason to not have a relationship? Sometimes I think people get hurt feelings in cohabitating situations because they don't have enough standards with relationships in general.

 

[classi123]

It depends on the circumstances for me - I havent done it yet but I wouldn't rule it out especially as I am not at all ready to get married (I need another 4/5 years by which time I will have achieved all the things I personally need to achieve0 and I certainly wouldnt mind saving the £££ on rent for MY future.

I have friends that have been with guys for over 5-10 years with no ring insisting they refuse to shack up WHEN they are already giving up the cow, milk and cheese and still have no ring. I alternately have friends that have been shacking and bought a house together etc without a ring. I would never do either of these BUT I definitely want to live with my beau before we marry - for me marriage is for life and I would rather have a bad breakup and have to find a new rental property than get divorced and sell my marital home etc. Marriage is permanent,shacking up is NOT.

I am with my man because I love him and he is true husband material, I know he will marry me when we are both ready. I trust him for he has given me no reason not to after all this time. We have discussed marriage and a timeline and he is more eager than I am to get married (He is older than me): I dont want to marry someone that I have to manipulate play games with or stipulate rules to, my hubby should propose simply because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me not because am witholding xyz until he marries me.

I really think this comes down to individual situations and the judgement of the woman in question. IF you have chosen the right man for you, whether you live together or not prior to marriage should not make that much difference if you are with someone that is trustworthy, respectful and that wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If you cannot be certain of this and it is a precondition for you of shacking up then of course you should not shack up - FURTHERMORE, if you want to get married you should probably break up with this dude because clearly he doesnt want to marry you and something has gone wrong in the screening process.

I am sure this is an unpopular opinion but its my humble opinion.

ETA: I am also pretty impatient and slightly intolerant having lived in my own space for a looong time so I really need to get used to my husband being around me allll the time before we get married or else we will spend the first 1-2 years of our married life fighting.

Best post I read by far.

 

[sisteract08]

Every relationship is different. THis is no black and white answer. But generally speaking Im ok with it as a transition phase ONLY.... there needs to be a ring in the 3-6 month time frame of cohabitating...

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

i am loving the honesty here ladies

 

[lilsparkle825]

I did it and Iam glad I did. Even though my SO and I are no longer together. I learned alot about living with a man.
If I had waited to live with a man after I got married, It would have been a disater.

THIS. I am in a relationship and because we didn't want a LDR, I moved in with him. I learned so much about my SO after I moved in with him....what small things irritate him (and v/v), what little things make him happy (and v/v), what chores he is good at, how good of a cook he is, you know. There were a few times in the beginning that I threatened to move out...I mean, I had all the bags packed, the tank full of gas and everything....and at that last second he would swallow his "fine, leave then" attitude and we would have a breakthrough that living apart just wouldn't have produced. I just learned so much about myself, too -- stuff that living with girls could not teach me, especially since the last girl I actually shared a bedroom with was my first year of college, and she was a kook. We both know where our relationship is going, and we both know at what speed it's going to get there, so I'm not worried that I'm going to be one of those women who is still unmarried 7 years from now with three kids and a bum on the sofa eating ice cream and watching Jerry Springer all day. I think that's the thing -- really talking about things like marriage and a timeline BEFORE doing it, and not just assuming everything will be all roses and sunshine. (I mean, I can always move out in the slim chance I see him getting flaky on the marriage thing.)

And don't be fooled, there are still things for me to learn about him -- namely, how good of a father he will be, since we have agreed on not having kids till after marriage. How good he is at yardwork, since we live in an apartment and one day want a big Southern house. How good he is at hiding Christmas presents, since I know all the hiding spaces in the apartment.

 

[alundra]

I neither agree nor disagree, but I'm just here to say something: Being married and living together AND being not-married and living together are two entirely separate things.

ETA: I didn't move in with my husband before we got married, but we also lived in separate countries.

 

[goldielocs]

It wasn't OK for me...

I can't see sharing my space with someone who doesn't want to make a commitment to me. I'd feel too vulnerable.

 

[Jewell]

I would only live with a man if we were engaged ALREADY. Not coming down the line, not in a month or so, no, you need to put a ring on it before I move in with you, or you move in with me. Because a man will lie and keep stringing a woman along just so he can get what he wants. My own father lived with a woman for 22 yrs and just finally married her this year. Same with an aunt of mine who is in her 60's been with dude for about 25 yrs, and still ain't legally married.

Marriage isn't for everyone, but I just find it silly to give all that time to someone not trying to include you in the deal LEGALLY... if they die, and have no will with you included, you get NOTHING and you been puttin' out every night for 25 yrs, cooking, cleaning, washin' drawers. Hell naw. They say the divorce rates are higher for those who never live together before being married vs. those who cohabitate and then marry. All I know is, I don't want a man milking the cow without buying it, and I have firmly avoided this at all times, and will continue to. If you want wifey benefits, be ready to make me wifey.

 

[BookGal84]

Yes I agree with shacking.

Don't even get me started on people who have moral outrage when it comes to living together then goes on to say how good their last "session" was with their boyfriend.

LOL.......