SHACKING up..... are you down?

[ambergirl]

please tell! for real i often wonder i've been head over heels in love and have refused a few times to shack...... still often wonder if it would have made a better ending

I lived with someone for several years when I was pretty young...not good. In most situtations I would highly recommend that young women not shack with their boyfriends.

You get all of the inconveniences of being married with few of the benefits, especially the commitment. Prolonged shacking is often a sign that one of the partners isn't fully on board with staying together for the long term, but by living together that issue is never really resolved...until somebody forces the issue and then, there you are, having wasted years in a relationship that had reached its limits. Also if you're not the cheating type (and I'm not) it makes it impossible for you to meet someone else.

Now if you're older, that might change the dynamic a bit. But what I've found is that as I've gotten older I don't want a man in my space 24/7 unless he's in it for the long haul. No need for me to curtail my freedom, hide my beauty regimen, or give up control over the remote full time unless the guy is committed for the long term and for me that equals marriage.

 

[glamazon386]

I wouldn't do it without an engagement ring.

 

[Lynnerie]

Not a wise decision. Been there done that and never again not even if I was engaged. I will never live with a man until my last name is changed.

 

[Ms. Feliz]

Yep. We've been living together for over a year. I have no doubts that we will be getting married. We have discussed it, he has talked to my family about it. I'm happy with my decision.

 

[TayMac]

I have done it and won't again. To me it is like having one foot in and one foot out of the commitment.

 

[nikolite]

I had the same situation as nikolite (high school lovers, college lovers, blah blah lol). I did it with my ex and I wouldnt do it again.The relationship actually started to deteriorate after we moved in together, then a year later we were planning our wedding (stressful and crazy) living under the same roof. It ultimately broke down our relationship. Now that we're living separate, we get along better and have considered possibly getting back together one day in the future.

However, we've already came to the agreement that if we were to live together again, it would be right before the wedding. Its much much easier to leave someone when youre not engaged or married, and you dont have that strong sense of...home. Its more like "our place" instead of "home" so the bond isnt as strong compared to engaged/married life.

On a sidenote, it never made any sense to me how a man could sign a legal contract to live with you, but wont sign a contract saying he's your man. I dont advocate divorce, but lets not pretend like its not an option when you get married, just like its an option to break your lease when you move in together. Maybe I'm not looking deep enough into it, but whatever.

I agree. That's really the only difference between marriage and anything else. Its a promise that you won't leave when times get tough. Before we were married, I'd actually broke up with my hubbie 3 times! Of course, it never panned out each time, but it added strain that we were together but in others' eyes we didn't necessarily HAVE to be. Its about the mindset--luckily we had the will power without the contract for that time.

But divorce takes a lot more work and consequences than breaking a lease anyhow.

 

[nikolite]

Yeah I did it a couple of times waaay back in the day but wouldn't do it again nor advise anyone else too. Engaged or not as engagements don't always lead to marriage. Hell I didn't agree with it when I did it but I did it anyway. In one instance we were engaged, ring and a date, and living 40 miles from each other. After the first time I swore I'd never do it again but we were 'serious' and either I was always at his place or he was at mine so it made sense to meet in the middle and move to a new place together to save for the wedding. The marriage never happened. It works for alot of people but I'd never do it again.

At the bolded, I don't think shacking up works for anyone or hinders anyone particularly. A couple's either going to make it or they are not, as I'm sure there are just as many people who didn't shack up whose engagements were called off. Its really about what works best for each person and how they feel going into it. Anyone who feels that moving in with a man is a sacrifice that will make him want to marry them, then they are probably in for a rude awakening--then again they may get what they want (but not because they moved in). But if a woman does it more for her own benefit, it may happen or not but it wouldn't bother her either way.

Not talking about you or anything, but your last sentence just triggered those thoughts.

Btw, I find it weird that many people think shacking up is a huge no-no, but having sex with someone you don't intend to marry is okay. IMO, if two people are having sex anyway (which most people are after a certain point whether they are living together or not), the guy is already getting the benefits for free. Moving in gives the woman some benefit too if she's already doing that anyway, and she's not obligated to do his laundry or "play wifey" just because he's there. My hubbie and I have always split the chores fairly equally, just like roommates, and we still do to this day. (He's the dishwasher, I'm the cook, etc.)

I understand that shacking up isn't for everyone. But besides wanting personal space, I just don't quite see the big deal for those that are already having sex and probably living with another female roommate anyway.

 

[Dee_33]

I did when I was engaged, we lived together for a year before we got married. I would do it again if I was on track to be married again.

 

[caltron]

At the bolded, I don't think shacking up works for anyone or hinders anyone particularly. A couple's either going to make it or they are not, as I'm sure there are just as many people who didn't shack up whose engagements were called off. Its really about what works best for each person and how they feel going into it. Anyone who feels that moving in with a man is a sacrifice that will make him want to marry them, then they are probably in for a rude awakening--then again they may get what they want (but not because they moved in). But if a woman does it more for her own benefit, it may happen or not but it wouldn't bother her either way.

Not talking about you or anything, but your last sentence just triggered those thoughts.

Btw, I find it weird that many people think shacking up is a huge no-no, but having sex with someone you don't intend to marry is okay. IMO, if two people are having sex anyway (which most people are after a certain point whether they are living together or not), the guy is already getting the benefits for free. Moving in gives the woman some benefit too if she's already doing that anyway, and she's not obligated to do his laundry or "play wifey" just because he's there. My hubbie and I have always split the chores fairly equally, just like roommates, and we still do to this day. (He's the dishwasher, I'm the cook, etc.)

I understand that shacking up isn't for everyone. But besides wanting personal space, I just don't quite see the big deal for those that are already having sex and probably living with another female roommate anyway.

For me shacking up is not a moral issue at all but a practical one. When you live together, it's different than when you're dating someone. You get used to having that person around and he gets very intertwined in your personal life. If you're living with a guy who you're not sure you're going to marry, things can get really complicated if things start to go sour. It becomes harder to let go of that person and you may end up staying in a bad relationship just because emotionally and logistically it's harder to leave a relationship when you're living with someone. Folks start to get really comfortable and that comfort may cause a woman to put off talking about uncomfortable issues or breaking up with the guy when its obvious the relationship does not have a future. This situation is a dream come true for a guy who does not want to commit, because he has an easier time sweet talking a woman into thinking things are o.k. when they're not. It takes a lot more effort and resolve to breakup when you have to look for an apartment, pack up your things, and create a downsized budget, especially if dude is in your ear begging you to stay and rubbing your shoulders.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I'm engaged and still won't shack up nor would my fiance fix his mouth to even ask (HE KNOWS BETTER! )

So if I wouldn't do it now, I definitely wouldn't do it with just a boyfriend.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

would you ladies who've say yes be ok with your 18 - 25 yr old daughter wanting to shack?

 

[JayAnn0513]

would you ladies who've say yes be ok with your 18 - 25 yr old daughter wanting to shack?

My family had 1 rule - once you move in with a man you are off our payroll. As long as she understands that...and is within 1 yr of finishing her degree then she can do what she wants.

Hopefully, we will be able to raise her to value marriage, just like our parents raised us. Part of the issue with shacking up is one of the partners may not be as committed to marriage as the other.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm not doing it. I've seen nothing good come from it from those I know. I have friends who say its good to "test the waters" before marriage but IMO that argument is crap.

 

[nikolite]

For me shacking up is not a moral issue at all but a practical one. When you live together, it's different than when you're dating someone. You get used to having that person around and he gets very intertwined in your personal life. If you're living with a guy who you're not sure you're going to marry, things can get really complicated if things start to go sour. It becomes harder to let go of that person and you may end up staying in a bad relationship just because emotionally and logistically it's harder to leave a relationship when you're living with someone. Folks start to get really comfortable and that comfort may cause a woman to put off talking about uncomfortable issues or breaking up with the guy when its obvious the relationship does not have a future. This situation is a dream come true for a guy who does not want to commit, because he has an easier time sweet talking a woman into thinking things are o.k. when they're not. It takes a lot more effort and resolve to breakup when you have to look for an apartment, pack up your things, and create a downsized budget, especially if dude is in your ear begging you to stay and rubbing your shoulders.

All of that is very true for someone who is clearly not sure they are in love or want to marry or whatnot (and I wouldn't suggest someone in that position ever shack up unless they were completely cool with possibly splitting up as an outcome). But the same can happen if someone decided to marry too. They may hang on to a bad relationship and be afraid of a divorce, which takes a lot more heartache and financial distress. People who end up in bad roommate situations also go through the same issues. In that case, practically speaking, people shouldn't live with anyone for fear of getting too attached to them and burned by them.

Just like its harder to leave when shacking up, its easier and sometimes more tempting to leave a relationship when your not living together, but that's not always a good thing. Either way, it depends on the person.

I don't think living with someone is the problem. Its living with them under false pretenses or with the wrong mindset that's the problem. For instance, a couple can still have separate bank accounts or cars.

Honestly, I would be more hurt if I was having sex with a man for years and he decided to just up and leave one day, not because we were splitting the rent and sharing the TV set. But to each her own.

 

[nikolite]

would you ladies who've say yes be ok with your 18 - 25 yr old daughter wanting to shack?

We'd talk about it. It would depend on a lot of different things I've mentioned already. If she was the love 'em and leave 'em type and was having sex with him anyway I probably wouldn't care too much. If she was the type to fall head over heels on a whim and expected his commitment from it, then I'd tell her no. I honestly think that in my case, I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew that my husband would be around for the long haul.

As long as they had the right intentions I'd see no problem with it, especially if they were already having sex anyway. I'd prefer for her to get married though, because I would never know him enough to trust that her judgment was sound. Either way, she'd have to learn and experience life on her own.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

We'd talk about it. It would depend on a lot of different things I've mentioned already. If she was the love 'em and leave 'em type and was having sex with him anyway I probably wouldn't care too much. If she was the type to fall head over heels on a whim and expected his commitment from it, then I'd tell her no. I honestly think that in my case, I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew that my husband would be around for the long haul.

As long as they had the right intentions I'd see no problem with it, especially if they were already having sex anyway. I'd prefer for her to get married though, because I would never know him enough to trust that her judgment was sound. Either way, she'd have to learn and experience life on her own.

great answer sis! but i'd cut her arse off financially!!!
let grown folks be grown is what is was told

my dad sure did in college b/c i was spending the nite at a boyfriend's
i agree with their philosphy

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

My family had 1 rule - once you move in with a man you are off our payroll. As long as she understands that...and is within 1 yr of finishing her degree then she can do what she wants.

Hopefully, we will be able to raise her to value marriage, just like our parents raised us. Part of the issue with shacking up is one of the partners may not be as committed to marriage as the other.

EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID!!! LOL

i feel the same way--- i agree with the marriage value as well..... i only shiver b/c half the folks that i see (personally) aren't valuing marriage either
well..... at least not in the "forsake all others" category

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I lived with my now DH once we were engaged.

 

[justicefighter1913]

No ma'am. I don't even entertain such thoughts.

 

[sugarbelle]

I would move in ONLY if we were engaged and 2 or 3 weeks out from the wedding....outside of that type of scenario it is not happening with me!

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

MY VOTE

IT IS NOT OK! I WILL NEVER DO THIS if not married first


so NOPE​

 

[bluediamond0829]

Nope and it has came up been discussed and i told him unless we are married thats the only way other than that it wont happen.

i figure like this if we are willing to split the bills and we are sharing living space then we should be married.

I dont knock anyone for doing to each its own.

 

[carcajada]

would you ladies who've say yes be ok with your 18 - 25 yr old daughter wanting to shack?

That girl should be on her own anyway s.

 

[DigitalRain]

I did it and I don't recommend it. It opened up a whole new can of worms. Don't make yourself miserable if you don't have to.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Hell no. Hell no. Hell no.

 

[Ronnieaj]

Hmm, doing it and have no problems at all. Me and SO have lived together for over a year, been together 4, and have talked about when we will marry, which is not now, and is for reasons that WE understand. If I'd set and abided by an arbitrary deadline, I would have been a heartless woman, and he'd have no business being with me.

That said, my parents lived together for 6 years prior to marrying. They just had their 22nd anniversary, so I guess having seen it work, I have no reason to believe that it can't, not if the parties involved are genuinely committed to it. If they're not, then marriage won't make a darn bit of difference, IMO.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I did it and I would definitely NOT do it again. I put myself in a situation where I should have taken more time to get to know the person. Living with him made me put up with things that I shouldn't have in an attempt to work things out.

Get your milk from Kroger-not me.

 

[sky_blu]

On the fence. Financial it would be good (I wouldn't date anyone without a job) but I like my own space. Not sure if I want to see someone day in and day out. We can spend two days together but maybe one day I don't want to see you. I've seen this work out so much for the bad than good.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

SO keeps suggesting it but I am not budging. His logic is because I spend the night there all the time and Im over there literally everyday....nah son. He laughs when I say that to him but Im serious. I dont even have a change of clothes over his house only a tooth brush .

 

[Ms. Feliz]

.......................