SHACKING up..... are you down?

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

I don't have a bf but I have friends who do it.

One of my friends lived with her man for two years before they got married. The thing about it is that she had to sit him down and tell him, "Look we've been living together for so and so years....I'm not going anywhere I wanna be with you....I'm tired of playing house..." she told me that he then said, "I understand. In due time {speaking in reference to getting married}." In my mind I was thinking, You shouldn't have to sit no man down and tell him all this esp. since yall been living together for more than a year.

Not too long after (and when I mean not too long after I mean like less than two weeks later), he proposed to her. But it just seemed like one of the "forced" shut-her-up-proposes. She told me she even knew what he was up to when he asked her to go out with her because he was acting all weird/different than normal.

I personally wouldn't do it, only because I like to have my own space. Call me old fashioned but I want to be surprised when a man proposes to me and I shouldn't have to "lecture" to him that I'm tired of playing house and I want a ring. I also want something to look forward to after we get married.

But that's just me.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I don't have a bf but I have friends who do it.

One of my friends lived with her man for two years before they got married. The thing about it is that she had to sit him down and tell him, "Look we've been living together for so and so years....I'm not going anywhere I wanna be with you....I'm tired of playing house..." she told me that he then said, "I understand. In due time {speaking in reference to getting married}." In my mind I was thinking, You shouldn't have to sit no man down and tell him all this esp. since yall been living together for more than a year.

Not too long after (and when I mean not too long after I mean like less than two weeks later), he proposed to her. But it just seemed like one of the "forced" shut-her-up-proposes. She told me she even knew what he was up to when he asked her to go out with her because he was acting all weird/different than normal.

I personally wouldn't do it, only because I like to have my own space. Call me old fashioned but I want to be surprised when a man proposes to me and I shouldn't have to "lecture" to him that I'm tired of playing house and I want a ring. I also want something to look forward to after we get married.

But that's just me.

To the bolded that's an interesting thing to think about too. I know people who really weren't excited about marriage. They were like, I guess we're going to do what we were already doing (go back to our house). So it's really like whatever! It is good to have that feeling of moving in, finding a place together, starting a life together, etc.

Also I co -sign your whole post because I totally agree with the whole "forced" feeling thing. It's a no no for me too.

 

[angelk316]

I did it and Iam glad I did. Even though my SO and I are no longer together. I learned alot about living with a man.
If I had waited to live with a man after I got married, It would have been a disater.
If I enter into another serious relationship I would want to wait to live with him until we get married.
Based on my experience dating and living with a man are ver different. How do you know if your compatible enough to live with a man before you are married?

 

[MissK7]

there's nothing wrong with it at all.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

weird story I know a PASTOR who was living with his GF and , she was upset because there were together 10 years and he never proposed. She felt stuck and hurterplexed

(when it comes to life, love, career) "After age 18, you no longer have victims, just willing participants." -- Dr. Laura

 

[FemmeFatale]

I did it and Iam glad I did. Even though my SO and I are no longer together. I learned alot about living with a man.
If I had waited to live with a man after I got married, It would have been a disater.
If I enter into another serious relationship I would want to wait to live with him until we get married.
Based on my experience dating and living with a man are ver different. How do you know if your compatible enough to live with a man before you are married?

Why did you two break up?

 

[Naveah2050]

It depends on the circumstances for me - I havent done it yet but I wouldn't rule it out especially as I am not at all ready to get married (I need another 4/5 years by which time I will have achieved all the things I personally need to achieve0 and I certainly wouldnt mind saving the £££ on rent for MY future.

I have friends that have been with guys for over 5-10 years with no ring insisting they refuse to shack up WHEN they are already giving up the cow, milk and cheese and still have no ring. I alternately have friends that have been shacking and bought a house together etc without a ring. I would never do either of these BUT I definitely want to live with my beau before we marry - for me marriage is for life and I would rather have a bad breakup and have to find a new rental property than get divorced and sell my marital home etc. Marriage is permanent,shacking up is NOT.

I am with my man because I love him and he is true husband material, I know he will marry me when we are both ready. I trust him for he has given me no reason not to after all this time. We have discussed marriage and a timeline and he is more eager than I am to get married (He is older than me): I dont want to marry someone that I have to manipulate play games with or stipulate rules to, my hubby should propose simply because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me not because am witholding xyz until he marries me.

I really think this comes down to individual situations and the judgement of the woman in question. IF you have chosen the right man for you, whether you live together or not prior to marriage should not make that much difference if you are with someone that is trustworthy, respectful and that wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If you cannot be certain of this and it is a precondition for you of shacking up then of course you should not shack up - FURTHERMORE, if you want to get married you should probably break up with this dude because clearly he doesnt want to marry you and something has gone wrong in the screening process.

I am sure this is an unpopular opinion but its my humble opinion.

ETA: I am also pretty impatient and slightly intolerant having lived in my own space for a looong time so I really need to get used to my husband being around me allll the time before we get married or else we will spend the first 1-2 years of our married life fighting.

 

[Poohbear]

I voted, "IT IS NOT OK! I WILL NEVER DO THIS if not married first".

Offtopic: Love your signature pic RachelRegina:

 

[MzLady78]

I did it and Iam glad I did. Even though my SO and I are no longer together. I learned alot about living with a man.
If I had waited to live with a man after I got married, It would have been a disater.
If I enter into another serious relationship I would want to wait to live with him until we get married.
Based on my experience dating and living with a man are ver different. How do you know if your compatible enough to live with a man before you are married?

This was my experience as well. As hard as it was for me to deal with the end of my relationship, it would have been much harder to deal with the end of my marriage, which would have been inevitable.

I do understand and respect why so many are against it though. Everything ain't for everybody.

 

[angelk316]

Why did you two break up?

I met him when I was young and dumb. Now I'm older
and wiser I wasn't someone I see myself with for the rest of my life.

 

[cmw45]

To live with someone you are not married to I think you need a ring and a date.

 

[Tylers-mom]

You didn't have an option on shacking up while planning to get married. Just because you're shacking up doesn't mean that the man isn't ready to get married. The world isn't just black and white. There are lots of reasons why people choose to live together before getting married.

I would not shack up if marraige wasn't in our future...and we both have agreed to that. My husband and I lived together for almost 2 years (got engaged in the process), bought a house together and had a child all before getting married. We were more committed to each other than some of our "married" friends..lol. We got married when my son was 13 months old. Some may say it's backwards and have personal opinions but we did what worked for us. We've now been happily married for 6 years.

 

[Syrah]

I don't have a bf but I have friends who do it.

One of my friends lived with her man for two years before they got married. The thing about it is that she had to sit him down and tell him, "Look we've been living together for so and so years....I'm not going anywhere I wanna be with you....I'm tired of playing house..." she told me that he then said, "I understand. In due time {speaking in reference to getting married}." In my mind I was thinking, You shouldn't have to sit no man down and tell him all this esp. since yall been living together for more than a year.

Not too long after (and when I mean not too long after I mean like less than two weeks later), he proposed to her. But it just seemed like one of the "forced" shut-her-up-proposes. She told me she even knew what he was up to when he asked her to go out with her because he was acting all weird/different than normal.

I personally wouldn't do it, only because I like to have my own space. Call me old fashioned but I want to be surprised when a man proposes to me and I shouldn't have to "lecture" to him that I'm tired of playing house and I want a ring. I also want something to look forward to after we get married.

But that's just me.

I'm so with you! Besides the obvious of having my own space and living in an arrangement with no formal arrangement, that's my biggest reason for not supporting cohabitation.

With marriage should come a major change in the way you view your life - and I think changing your living situation is a symbolic way of doing this. If you've already been living together, paying bills together, going to bed and waking up next to each other, what's different when you come home one day married, besides your last name?

My girl recently got married to a dude she's been living with for 2 years now. We got together for are girly dinner and asked her "so how's it feel?" about 3 months after her honeymoon, and her response was "like we had a big party and came back to real life..." I don't want that.

 

[Syrah]

You didn't have an option on shacking up while planning to get married. Just because you're shacking up doesn't mean that the man isn't ready to get married. The world isn't just black and white. There are lots of reasons why people choose to live together before getting married.

I would not shack up if marraige wasn't in our future...and we both have agreed to that. My husband and I lived together for almost 2 years (got engaged in the process), bought a house together and had a child all before getting married. We were more committed to each other than some of our "married" friends..lol. We got married when my son was 13 months old. Some may say it's backwards and have personal opinions but we did what worked for us. We've now been happily married for 6 years.

I think buying a house together is a little different, in the sense that that alone is a major commitment (not only to each other but to the bank ).

I also think age has something to do with. If I were 10 years older would I be so against cohabitation? Probably not...but I dunno - I cringe every time I hear young 20-somethings talk about how they're living with their BF/GF.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

At the bolded, I don't think shacking up works for anyone or hinders anyone particularly. A couple's either going to make it or they are not, as I'm sure there are just as many people who didn't shack up whose engagements were called off. Its really about what works best for each person and how they feel going into it. Anyone who feels that moving in with a man is a sacrifice that will make him want to marry them, then they are probably in for a rude awakening--then again they may get what they want (but not because they moved in). But if a woman does it more for her own benefit, it may happen or not but it wouldn't bother her either way.

Not talking about you or anything, but your last sentence just triggered those thoughts.

Btw, I find it weird that many people think shacking up is a huge no-no, but having sex with someone you don't intend to marry is okay. IMO, if two people are having sex anyway (which most people are after a certain point whether they are living together or not), the guy is already getting the benefits for free. Moving in gives the woman some benefit too if she's already doing that anyway, and she's not obligated to do his laundry or "play wifey" just because he's there. My hubbie and I have always split the chores fairly equally, just like roommates, and we still do to this day. (He's the dishwasher, I'm the cook, etc.)

I understand that shacking up isn't for everyone. But besides wanting personal space, I just don't quite see the big deal for those that are already having sex and probably living with another female roommate anyway.

I agree, just to clarify, I've never had a problem stemming from the logistics of day to dayliving with someone and it had nothing to do with the breakup. I meant more that I compromised and did it only because I had a ring and a date, that was the minimum I was willing to accept to do it again at that point and seeing how it still didn't end in marriage, even being engaged wouldn't be enough anymore.

 

[Syrah]

I did it and Iam glad I did. Even though my SO and I are no longer together. I learned alot about living with a man.
If I had waited to live with a man after I got married, It would have been a disater.
If I enter into another serious relationship I would want to wait to live with him until we get married.
Based on my experience dating and living with a man are ver different. How do you know if your compatible enough to live with a man before you are married?

I always question notion of "compatibility" because in some ways it assumes you're dealing with two static individuals (who can not or will not change). Compatibility at a high level makes sense to me - I eat meat. He thinks meat eating is disgusting. We are not compatible. He's athletic. I'm a couch potato. We are not compatible.

Beyond extremes, isn't that where commitment and compromise come into play?! I take long showers to wash my hair and he's left with no hot water, so I compromise and let him take his shower first so that my 45 minute regimen doesn't leave him shivering in the shower.

I guess I just assume (because I've never done it) that except in rare circumstances, when you're living together without commitment, compromise is harder to come by because there is an alternative that has fewer consequences.

 

[glamazon386]

Hmm, doing it and have no problems at all. Me and SO have lived together for over a year, been together 4, and have talked about when we will marry, which is not now, and is for reasons that WE understand. If I'd set and abided by an arbitrary deadline, I would have been a heartless woman, and he'd have no business being with me.

That said, my parents lived together for 6 years prior to marrying. They just had their 22nd anniversary, so I guess having seen it work, I have no reason to believe that it can't, not if the parties involved are genuinely committed to it. If they're not, then marriage won't make a darn bit of difference, IMO.

Exactly. My parents lived together for a year before they got married. Their 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in the fall. It worked out for them but they discussed and agreed on everything before making that move. FH and I are not currently living together but if I were to choose to do so my parents can't say anything. They can't tell me to do as I say and not as I do. :shrug:

 

[nikolite]

I always question notion of "compatibility" because in some ways it assumes you're dealing with two static individuals (who can not or will not change). Compatibility at a high level makes sense to me - I eat meat. He thinks meat eating is disgusting. We are not compatible. He's athletic. I'm a couch potato. We are not compatible.

Beyond extremes, isn't that where commitment and compromise come into play?! I take long showers to wash my hair and he's left with no hot water, so I compromise and let him take his shower first so that my 45 minute regiment doesn't leave him shivering in the shower.

I guess I just assume (because I've never done it) that except in rare circumstances, when you're living together without commitment, compromise is harder to come by because there is an alternative that has fewer consequences.

I agree that its all about compromise. But I disagree that the lack of a legal contract makes compromise harder, especially considering that divorce is now a dime a dozen and people do it about just as much as bf/gf's break-up. It really depends on the persons involved. IMO, a guy either loves his woman enough to compromise or he doesn't, and him feeling he HAS to because of a contract isn't going to make him compromise/love her more (and in some cases, it actually makes things worse, esp. when there were stipulations attached to being with her).

People can be committed and compromising without marriage and without shacking up too. Those are just good men who are in love regardless.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

I'm so with you! Besides the obvious of having my own space and living in an arrangement with no formal arrangement, that's my biggest reason for not supporting cohabitation.

With marriage should come a major change in the way you view your life - and I think changing your living situation is a symbolic way of doing this. If you've already been living together, paying bills together, going to bed and waking up next to each other, what's different when you come home one day married, besides your last name?

My girl recently got married to a dude she's been living with for 2 years now. We got together for are girly dinner and asked her "so how's it feel?" about 3 months after her honeymoon, and her response was "like we had a big party and came back to real life..." I don't want that.

Yes, that's the SAME. EXACT. THING. SHE. SAID.

I didn't vote in the poll, but clearly you know my stance.

 

[Syrah]

I agree that its all about compromise. But I disagree that the lack of a legal contract makes compromise harder, especially considering that divorce is now a dime a dozen and people do it about just as much as bf/gf's break-up. It really depends on the persons involved. IMO, a guy either loves his woman enough to compromise or he doesn't, and him feeling he HAS to because of a contract isn't going to make him compromise/love her more (and in some cases, it actually makes things worse, esp. when there were stipulations attached to being with her).

People can be committed and compromising without marriage and without shacking up too. Those are just good men who are in love regardless.

I actually think it has less to do with the person that you're with and more to do with you. There comes a point where you realize that compromise is good for a relationship - any relationship, and you find yourself more apt to do it.

However, I also think, that with the formal commitment (I don't think of marriage as a legal contract but as a formal commitment), comes a person's willingness to compromise on more important issues.

 

[Tylers-mom]

I think buying a house together is a little different, in the sense that that alone is a major commitment (not only to each other but to the bank ).

I also think age has something to do with. If I were 10 years older would I be so against cohabitation? Probably not...but I dunno - I cringe every time I hear young 20-somethings talk about how they're living with their BF/GF.

Oh definitely.....age does matter. I don't think young people (or people in general) who are uncertain about the future of their relationship should be shacking up. That is a total No No. And to be honest I would advise my son's differently in terms of the steps they take in a relationship....well they are seeing differently through me and my husband. When you know better you do better...

 

[FemmeFatale]

Yes, that's the SAME. EXACT. THING. SHE. SAID.

I didn't vote in the poll, but clearly you know my stance.

Yeah I feel like the excitement of starting your lives together gets lost.

 

[simplyFABULOUS]

Im still young so I just cant see myself living with a man that hasnt married me. I grew up in a very Southern household and it is just against everything that we stand for. My grandma always says "look at your Aunt J, she didnt live with her husband before she got married and her and her hubby have been together for 30 years now look at your momma and all your other aunts they moved in before they got married and now there all divorced" lol. So in my mind I just relate shacking to divorce haha.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm not down with it. I insist on living apart until we get married. That and statistics prove that people who shack up before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing later.

 

[Britt]

Not really up for this... I'm fine and comfortable living on my own, the only way I'll do it is if I know for sure we plan on getting married. Even then, I still don't have a problem w/us living apart until marriage.

 

[MzLady78]

FH and I are not currently living together but if I were to choose to do so my parents can't say anything.

Stop the press!

"FH"?? You're engaged???

 

[Kerryann]

Did this with my kids dad i will never do it again.

Boyfriend ask me to move in with him and i told him no i need a ring first

 

[caribeandiva]

weird story I know a PASTOR who was living with his GF and , she was upset because there were together 10 years and he never proposed. She felt stuck and hurterplexed

Aww hell no!!

 

[MsLizziA]

hell no...

 

[Nasdaq_Diva]

not in the cards for me. I remember when I was 18, my BF and I suggested it to my mom. First thing out of my momma's mouth was, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" She left it at that, and walked out the room. I thought long and hard about it, and decided I woudnl't do it.

I have no desires to live with a man unless we are married first...I may consider if we're engaged (ie. date is set) but I doubt it in that sense too.