Rescuing a damaged man (Dmx Inspired)

[SelahOco]

I'm watching this relationship rescue show with dmx and his wife and he is breaking down about how his mother never told him she loved him. He is sobbing and really hurting and his wife shows so much compassion for him. You can tell she really loves him.

She has been married to this man for like 15-20 years and he has 4-5 outside kids on her. On this show he shouts at her that he is gonna screw until his penis falls off and she just needs to get over it.

He has treated her like trash and here he is crying about his mom and I can see her heart breaking for him.

It just made me think about all the women on this site who wonder if they should stay with a man out of her own compassion and understanding for his situation - regardless to how it impacts her.

It just made me think about how important it is for a woman to guard her heart and protect herself. Women are so giving and loving and compassionate that sometimes we feel we need to help a man heal or help him get on his feet.

But some men just have problems that you are not designed to help them with. And the more you want to help, the more you have to deal with the fall out of what is missing inside of him.

Seeing dmx lash out at his wife reminds me of when my mom found a cat in a garage who had just had kittens. My mom was trying to help the cat and her babies and the cat attacked her. She ended up having to get a bunch of painful shots as a result.

Sometimes we just are not supposed to 'help' a broken man or take responsibility for fixing him. Hurting people lash out and the pain they feel is just aimed at you for being there.

I feel for dmx, but I feel more for his wife. I see so much of myself in her and so much of every woman I know. He stays attaching her and she stays taking shots...

Why are women so accommodating? We have to stop feeling guilty for not taking on these projects.

Just something on my mind....

 

[sweetvi]

Great post!!!

 

[RocStar]

Sooo true. We do sometimes as women try to be so accommodating and to rescue. It took me a long time to realize that the only people who can truly rescue/fix/change you are yourself and God (in most cases).

 

[AyannaDivine]

Well said! I used to have Captain Save A Male Heaux syndrome real bad. Not trying to be funny, but its true. Its like I would fall in love with and try to fix damaged men. Played wifey all day long and dealt with mental, verbal and eventually physical abuse...but always felt sorry for the dude. Then one day it dawned on me that I must have a lot of issues myself or I wouldn't be putting up with such foolishness.

 

[meesch]

Why are women so accommodating? We have to stop feeling guilty for not taking on these projects.

Just something on my mind....

well in cases like this (this one in particular) i think the woman gets caught up with being there from the start so she's stuck. i think i remember reading that he was really the only guy she had been with/they had been together since they were children or something. so i think that's kind of excusable, more understandable than getting with a broken man as an adult. more understandable but also more unfortunate

i have never dated a broken man, and it definitely wont be happening now that i am grown. if anything, in my relationship i am probably the "broken" one. bf has no issues and has lived a cake life, so he doesn't relate well to a lot of things for me...

 

[tinkat]

I wrote this in the post about "how many baby mamas are too many" and I think it fits here too.

This thread reminds me of what my mother told me at a lower point in my life. Woman are natural nurturers While men will always look out for them self. So for now on make sure every decision you make is best for you.

Unfortunately many people in general believe that their scenario is different and exception to what can obviously result based in past repeated behavior.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

It's important to realize that the issues that men have is bigger than us or even the relationship. I feel like some hold on bc they want the relationship to survive. But by not letting go ( trying to stay in control) the issues are prolonged. Some think that sticking around is love but instead it's codepency.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[alwaysinchrist]

I used to be hung on DMX when I was a teenager lol.
Anyway, I know alot women like his wife. It is sad and I thought i would never get caught up on someone like that but the more I think about me it. My ExH had a lot of abandonment issues with his mom and I wanted to prove to him how our life would help him along the way. However, his issues at hand was something beyound me and our marriage was not the right treatment for some of his issues/.

 

[UrbainChic]

Part of it in is the narrative in society that if a man's behavior is the woman's fault.

If we keep telling women ots their fault they "cant keep a man" or that its her fault that he cheats etc. it just encourages the woman to "try harder"

I'm not saying no effort goes into a relationship, because clearly it does... but women need to learn sometimes its not you, its him, and he needs to work through his issues. It has nothing to do with your worth as a woman.

Sent from my iPhone

 

[ThickHair]

I finally watched DMX behind the music and Tasheera is a dang fool.

He claims he loves her, that man doesn't know love.

 

[Nyssa28]

Love your post!

I don't watch the show reguarly but I happened to watch it last night. I like when he said that every man wants to be someone's baby. I feel sorry for him, but that's no excuse for him to be dogging women the way he does. In life, you can choose to let your circumstances make you or you can make the best out of life. Hopefully he's on the road to recovery and making the best out of the life he has left to live.

 

[LoveLongLocks]

- I have never had the patience for being someones therapist, Mother, ect.
I have seen friends that loved a project, and have paid dearly in life for these "bad boys" or "broken" men.
Many women think that they can change men, and this is not the case.
Ladies stick around believing that their love is sooooo powerful that " " - whatever .
I think that it is the nurturing/maternal side of most women. - I find it very hard to respect men that don't have it together. When I was dating, I had no problem cutting ties with losers *shrugs* it's not my job to "fix" you.

 

[meesch]

- I have never had the patience for being someones therapist, Mother, ect.
I have seen friends that loved a project, and have paid dearly in life for these "bad boys" or "broken" men.
Many women think that they can change men, and this is not the case.
Ladies stick around believing that their love is sooooo powerful that " " - whatever .
I think that it is the nurturing/maternal side of most women. - I find it very hard to respect men that don't have it together. When I was dating, I had no problem cutting ties with losers *shrugs* it's not my job to "fix" you.

ikr. just in general, where are these men even being found?

Love your post!

I don't watch the show reguarly but I happened to watch it last night. I like when he said that every man wants to be someone's baby. I feel sorry for him, but that's no excuse for him to be dogging women the way he does. In life, you can choose to let your circumstances make you or you can make the best out of life. Hopefully he's on the road to recovery and making the best out of the life he has left to live.

are they addressing his crack and drug addiction? bc surely that's a huge part of this manchild syndrome.

 

[Nyssa28]

meesch - Last night he said that he's off the drugs but now he's turning to alcohol.

 

[SelahOco]

He was crying so hard and he kept saying "mommy, mommy" like he never had a mommy. It was so sad and his wife looked like she felt so sorry for him.

And I was thinking, X how do you think you're making her feel? Your mom hurt you and you're hurting your wife. Where are your tears when you're bringing babies home on her?

 

[tinkat]

You don't have to be a victim of your past but some people don't overcome it like others. Some are doing the "best" that they can do. There is always a reason behind ones behavior even if for some it's an excuse.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[lilanie]

I lost all the empathy for him when he screamed in her face (also in front of the worldwide audience, and for future generations and his kids with her) "I NEVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED (MARRY YOU)!"

20 years later and 45 million outside kids later? Aight, bruh...

 

[Mai Tai]

One of my biggest mottos is "I cannot fix what I did not create." Meaning, all of your mom-issues, self hate issues, job issues, money issues, and bitterness issues were there well before I was so I am not the one to repair them.

I can handle trials that we may go through as a result of things that happen within our relationship. I can handle if you temporarily loose your job during our relationship and need a little morale boost when you get turned down for yet another job, but if you hate women because your mom never hugged you then naw bruh...you need a therapist.

 

[**SaSSy**]

Women are breed to be nurturing towards everyone/everything they come into contact with which is horrible because no one is ever that nurturing in return. I look at it like this, if I have to damn near kill myself internally to make someone else feel half decent, it's not worth it and just move on.

 

[Britt]

One of my biggest mottos is "I cannot fix what I did not create." Meaning, all of your mom-issues, self hate issues, job issues, money issues, and bitterness issues were there well before I was so I am not the one to repair them.

I can handle trials that we may go through as a result of things that happen within our relationship. I can handle if you temporarily loose your job during our relationship and need a little morale boost when you get turned down for yet another job, but if you hate women because your mom never hugged you then naw bruh...you need a therapist.

Exactly... you cannot fix deep seated issues and it's not your job.
You can try and deal w/ tangible issues b/c you know eventually they will and can change. Personal issues tho - ummm nahhhh, that's a big helluva task to tackle. I just refuse to be someone's doormat. I've already been with someone who has deep seated issues, it's a useless and exhausting task. A damaged person is a damaged person. They have to heal on their own.

 

[ArrrBeee]

There is a very fine line between nurturing and codependency. Codependent behavior is damaging to both parties. When you try to mother a man, you mess up the relational dynamics and he will end up hating you. An emotionally healthy man cannot see you as both a mother and as his lover.

 

[sunnydaze]

^^^^

That is a great post.

 

[itismehmmkay]

There is a very fine line between nurturing and codependency. Codependent behavior is damaging to both parties. When you try to mother a man, you mess up the relational dynamics and he will end up hating you. An emotionally healthy man cannot see you as both a mother and as his lover.

Exactly.

I was just thinking earlier this week how there's an art to knowing how to care for a man and treating him different than you would treat your son.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I haven't read the OP's post, but I was about to come in and say DON'T DO IT! when I first say the title.

 

[ambergirl]

Love your post!

I don't watch the show reguarly but I happened to watch it last night. I like when he said that every man wants to be someone's baby. I feel sorry for him, but that's no excuse for him to be dogging women the way he does. In life, you can choose to let your circumstances make you or you can make the best out of life. Hopefully he's on the road to recovery and making the best out of the life he has left to live.

And her allowing him to treat her like that only delays his healing. He needs to find healthier way to deal with his pain and so long as she allows him to use her as an emotional punching bag, he will.

There is a very fine line between nurturing and codependency. Codependent behavior is damaging to both parties. When you try to mother a man, you mess up the relational dynamics and he will end up hating you. An emotionally healthy man cannot see you as both a mother and as his lover.

And once relationship goes down that road I've never seen it come back to something healthy. They need to just recognize that this isn't going to work and move on, hopefully to therapy.

 

[awhyley]

Great opening post OP. I haven't been keeping up with the show. How is the therapist dealing with them both?

And her allowing him to treat her like that only delays his healing. He needs to find healthier way to deal with his pain and so long as she allows him to use her as an emotional punching bag, he will.

Never thought of it that way, but this too is true.

 

[DarkJoy]

Yes, its very true that codependency can actually stop healing completely. She has no boundaries and at this point, her being there is allowing him to relive his issues over and over. We put it on him, but in this case, she has massive issues too. I bet one of her parents was co-dependent with the other and she is just modeling what she learned as a child.

At this point, if she started laying down boundaries, he wouldn't be able to take it. He'd call her a b--- and walk out on her.

It's very hard when you've been with someone since you were both children. There's a strong bond there. And when one is so dysfunctional it makes it even harder as the one is always trying to save and prop up the broken one. Instead of being the lover, spouse and partner, the one that is acctually growing becomes the mother.

BTDT, you couldn't pay me enough to get another t-shirt. It's why I'm getting a divorce. I don't want my daughter to learn that it's OK to be a man's crutch, not his partner. *** that!

 

[tinkat]

Yes, its very true that codependency can actually stop healing completely. She has no boundaries and at this point, her being there is allowing him to relive his issues over and over. We put it on him, but in this case, she has massive issues too. I bet one of her parents was co-dependent with the other and she is just modeling what she learned as a child.

At this point, if she started laying down boundaries, he wouldn't be able to take it. He'd call her a b--- and walk out on her.

It's very hard when you've been with someone since you were both children. There's a strong bond there. And when one is so dysfunctional it makes it even harder as the one is always trying to save and prop up the broken one. Instead of being the lover, spouse and partner, the one that is acctually growing becomes the mother.

BTDT, you couldn't pay me enough to get another t-shirt. It's why I'm getting a divorce. I don't want my daughter to learn that it's OK to be a man's crutch, not his partner. *** that!

Great point. In a documentary about DMX I remember tashera mentioning she was always taking care of her siblings at a young age. I bet that had a huge role in codependency. It's all she knows.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[firecracker]

Well allz I know is DMX shouldn't be crying all in da public like that. He made Rich Dollaz look damn good and manly when he cried to Olivia. I'm just sayin.......

 

[tinkat]

I really liked the last episode. Dmx needed that. I loved they he said that his mother did the best she could at the time...that's what many people should realize about the people in their lives.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Highly Favored8]

Good post. Only DMX can fix himself. The sad part is that they're men like him and that some women have "that stand by your man syndrome". These men can only fix themselves and truly receive the help that they desperately need.