Man Up?

[Naveah2050]

I'm not into coddling grown dudes anymore. I support the ability to figure stuff out. It works in ANY economy and in EVERY circumstance. It seems from what the op said he needs to focus on himself and develop his passion of welding. The more he focuses on her and what she is or isn't doing, the more miserable he's gonna become. I suspect there are deeper issues that probably have nothing to do with this surface topic.

You guys are killing me hahaha - seriously though your trucker driving boo comes home and says babe we need to make more money and I can't make more money unless I start working part time while studying to be a welder which could take a while in which time we may lose our house and starve - do you mind living the baby with your mum/sister and working again while we try to get out of this - and you will say no?!

 

[Layluh]

LOL I'm serious, you give these dudes one inch of coddling, they'll take a mile and forget how to solve problems.

Honestly? If I were her, I'd start a business doing something I loved. Develop a skill, perfect it. Get on fiver, craigslist, elance. Go collect sea shells and sell em on ebay. Something, anything. But I ain't getting a dag on job thats for sure lol- especially if there's a baby around.

I have a friend that watched youtube videos on bow making after she had her baby. She's now pulling in 4g's a month making custom bows for people- all from watching a few youtube videos.
They'll figure it out.

 

[ambergirl]

Sounds like they didn't have some much needed conversation before they got married.

Bottom line is that this particular husband is feeling frustrated and unhappy about the fact that he married a working woman but now has a wife who doesn't want to work. Sure he can take on more and provide more for the household but that's not going to solve the problem of his unhappiness and feeling frustrated...even if he does bring in more income. Feeling duped or played or manipulated doesn't make anyone feel more loving in their relationship.

To me it's a trade off. Is not working so important to the wife that she's okay with having tension and unhappiness in her marriage?

If I were here I'd explore ways to bring in income that would alleviate some of his financial burden while allowing her the flexibility she wants and needs as a mom.

 

[RocStar]

So, I was listening to Steve Harvey this morning on the way to work. A man called into the show who has been married for two years and has a 19 month year old baby. He said that he has been really frustrated in his marriage because of the financial burden of him being the only one working. Apparently his wife was laid off after she had the baby and broke her arm not too long after that.

Now that the wife's arm is healed and the baby is older he feels like she should go back to work to help contribute to the household. The wife doesn't want to go back to work and this has been causing conflict in the household.

This is the first problem...the wife is contributing to the household. Taking care of the child and the home is a huge contribution.

Steve's advice was basically for him to man up and find a way to provide more money for his household.

What are your thoughts? Do you think the husband needs to stop complaining and "man up" or do you think the wife is being selfish by refusing to go back to work when she is able-bodied?

Yup, I think the man is weak and needs to man up. If you are not able to provide for your family, then you do whatever it takes. Get a second job, get a better paying job, whatever it takes.

A second income may not make the situation better. I would assume that if the wife worked, then they would have to pay for childcare.

I somewhat understand where he is coming from, but instead of thinking what she needs to do to fix the situation, as the man, he needs to think what he can do to fix the situation.

 

[ambergirl]

This is the first problem...the wife is contributing to the household. Taking care of the child and the home is a huge contribution.



Yup, I think the man is weak and needs to man up. If you are not able to provide for your family, then you do whatever it takes. Get a second job, get a better paying job, whatever it takes.

A second income may not make the situation better. I would assume that if the wife worked, then they would have to pay for childcare.

I somewhat understand where he is coming from, but instead of thinking what she needs to do to fix the situation, as the man, he needs to think what he can do to fix the situation.

So do you think she should risk the happiness maybe even continuation of the marriage in order to not work? That may be what's at stake here

 

[Naveah2050]

So do you think she should risk the happiness maybe even continuation of the marriage in order to not work? That may be what's at stake here

No one will support this - LHCF is the bastion of upper echelon women who do not understand that sometimes both couples have to work to put money on the table. No one here would want to marry a man that requires them to work. This whole she is already contribution by looking after the child is neither here nor there - you can't pay bills with that, maybe they have access to free/cheap child care but she doesn't want to work?

 

[ambergirl]

No one will support this - LHCF is the bastion of upper echelon women who do not understand that sometimes both couples have to work to put money on the table. No one here would want to marry a man that requires them to work.

This whole she is already contribution by looking after the child is neither her nor there - you can't pay bills with that, maybe they have access to free/cheap health care but she doesn't want to work?

My thing is that all of that needed to be discussed on the front end...before they got married. If she change her mind after having a child, then it's up for discussion and compromise.

But changing the deal midstream without conversation or compromise is insensitive and breeds the kind of unhappiness in a marriage that festers and grows. A job is way better then allowing that to happen IMO.

 

[hopeful]

No one will support this - LHCF is the bastion of upper echelon women who do not understand that sometimes both couples have to work to put money on the table. No one here would want to marry a man that requires them to work.

This whole she is already contribution by looking after the child is neither her nor there - you can't pay bills with that, maybe they have access to free/cheap health care but she doesn't want to work?

I see what you are saying. People have to accept reality. I've talked to many women who seem perplexed that they have to work while other women don't. All men simply don't have the earning power to support a sahm and most women I believe know when they have married a man who does or doesn't have that power, but then after marriage try to force the issue. I think it's unfair and unkind. It's like me being upset over dh not being able to change my tire or fix a leaky faucet -- he is not that guy. Never has been, never will be. It's great if your dh can earn enough for you to stay home, but if he can't and you know he can't, you have to remember all of the other blessings he brings to you, your marriage, and your family. I haven't worked in years and I'm happy about that, but it makes me sad when people compare their husband to mine. It's really unfair. Apples to oranges. And unkind and immature IMO.

 

[julzinha]

No one will support this - LHCF is the bastion of upper echelon women who do not understand that sometimes both couples have to work to put money on the table. No one here would want to marry a man that requires them to work. This whole she is already contribution by looking after the child is neither her nor there - you can't pay bills with that, maybe they have access to free/cheap health care but she doesn't want to work?

ITA, and at what expense he takes on all of this extra work to provide for his family and in the end he will spend less time with his child and wife providing for them both. It is completely ignorant and SELFISH of this woman. He needs to tell her arse to get a job. Point blank period.

This is not coddling a man, this is helping your household and improving your life and conditions. How heartless can you be to see a man struggling to support his family, which there are some men who don't support their families at all, and not feel the need to help him. Marriage is a partnership!

 

[Naveah2050]

I see what you are saying. People have to accept reality. I've talked to many women who seem perplexed that they have to work while other women don't. All men simply don't have the earning power to support a sahm and most women I believe know when they have married a man who does or doesn't have that power, but then after marriage try to force the issue. I think it's unfair and unkind. It's like me being upset over dh not being able to change my tire or fix a leaky faucet -- he is not that guy. Never has been, never will be. It's great if your dh can earn enough for you to stay home, but if he can't and you know he can't, you have to remember all of the other blessings he brings to you, your marriage, and your family. I haven't worked in years and I'm happy about that, but it makes me sad when people compare their husband to mine. It's really unfair. Apples to oranges. And unkind and immature IMO.

That's what I don't get - she knew who she married. If they weren't able to survive on his salary alone before the baby so why would she think they can survive on one salary alone with a baby? I feel bad for her but being poor scares me worse than having to work.

 

[ambergirl]

I see what you are saying. People have to accept reality. I've talked to many women who seem perplexed that they have to work while other women don't. All men simply don't have the earning power to support a sahm and most women I believe know when they have married a man who does or doesn't have that power, but then after marriage try to force the issue. I think it's unfair and unkind. It's like me being upset over dh not being able to change my tire or fix a leaky faucet -- he is not that guy. Never has been, never will be. It's great if your dh can earn enough for you to stay home, but if he can't and you know he can't, you have to remember all of the other blessings he brings to you, your marriage, and your family. I haven't worked in years and I'm happy about that, but it makes me sad when people compare their husband to mine. It's really unfair. Apples to oranges. And unkind and immature IMO.

This. right. here.

I've seen this so many times. I had a friend who kept having babies thinking that with everyone she would have to stay home because it would cost too much in child care for her to work and he would have to figure it out. Well now she's a working mom of 3 because he not only doesn't make enough money, it's too stressful for him as a person to carry the full financial burden...he was getting headaches and stomach aches around it.

Is not working worth your husbands health and well being?

If you married a sole breadwinner type of guy. Great. But if you didn't and you know you didn't, forcing the issue is insensitive and manipulative.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

My thing is that all of that needed to be discussed on the front end...before they got married. If she change her mind after having a child, then it's up for discussion and compromise.

But changing the deal midstream without conversation or compromise is insensitive and breeds the kind of unhappiness in a marriage that festers and grows. A job is way better then allowing that to happen IMO.

I agree. However, it's not like it was planned by the wife. She had a lot of things to juggle and I think she needs more time to figure it out.

 

[PJaye]

Why take on the financial responsibilities of a husband and father if you know that you're a truck driver with a limited skill set? That was dumb on his part.

 

[SophieDulce]

I think its even more important to know the type of man your marrying..If you want to be a SAHM or in a field where you wont be making a lot of money. Then you need to marry someone who is okay with being a breadwinner. Don't ever marry a man who relies on your income if you know that your not sure if you want to go back to work. Most SAHM i know are not balling, some just cut back on certain things in order to stay home with their kids. Some plan on staying home just a for a few years until school starts or start their own business or whatever. What I do see as a problem is when women marry men who only make a certain amount of money, start of as a dual income household then decide to stay home but wont cut back on expenses. I think that's kinda unfair.

 

[SophieDulce]

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2013/01/07/how-to-pick-a-husband-if-you-want-to-have-kids/

pretty much sums up my thoughts

 

[RocStar]

So do you think she should risk the happiness maybe even continuation of the marriage in order to not work? That may be what's at stake here

I don't think her working is the only solution to the problem.

 

[Ganjababy]

The husband sounds like a little pussy.

 

[ambergirl]

I don't think her working is the only solution to the problem.

What are the other solutions?

By the way sometimes men like women who work for reasons other then money. Some men like a women with a life outside of the home.

 

[SophieDulce]

What are the other solutions?

By the way sometimes men like women who work for reasons other then money. Some men like a women with a life outside of the home.

But that doesn't necessarily have to do with working or not, that's more based on personality type. I know full-time working women who literally go to work and come home, and don't really have a life. To me that's more based upon having outgoing adventurous personality.

 

[ambergirl]

But that doesn't necessarily have to do with working or not, that's more based on personality type. I know full-time working women who literally go to work and come home, and don't really have a life. To me that's more based upon having outgoing adventurous personality.

True.

The point is he may like her working for reasons other then just money. Not just about adventurousness...some of my friends who went from careers to full time moms changed their lives and interests significantly....almost became completely different people. Some men have a hard time adjusting to that,

 

[RocStar]

What are the other solutions?

By the way sometimes men like women who work for reasons other then money. Some men like a women with a life outside of the home.

It of course depends on all of the circumstances in their situation, so speaking in general, if you don't have enough money to live off of you can do three things:

1.) Increase income
2.) Decrease spending
3.) Do both

So I don't know their situation, but maybe they can find places to decrease spending. I just don't think it is an all or nothing situation (either the wife works or the marriage is going to end). They are going to have to find a solution where they both make some compromises...and sometimes that is the toughest part of marriage. It ain't easy.

 

[ambergirl]

It of course depends on all of the circumstances in their situation, so speaking in general, if you don't have enough money to live off of you can do three things: 1.) Increase income 2.) Decrease spending 3.) Do both So I don't know their situation, but maybe they can find places to decrease spending. I just don't think it is an all or nothing situation (either the wife works or the marriage is going to end). They are going to have to find a solution where they both make some compromises...and sometimes that is the toughest part of marriage. It ain't easy.

Of course all of that is true.

I raised the question not because I believe it's all or nothing but because so many women here seem willing to risk the happiness of their husbands and their marriage in order to not work.

I just find that odd.

 

[tinkat]

Of course all of that is true. I raised the question not because I believe it's all or nothing but because so many women here seem willing to risk the happiness of their husbands and their marriage in order to not work. I just find that odd.

It may not be that they are willing to risk the happiness of their husband or marriages so that they won't work ...I think it is about expectations and what type of person you marry or want to marry. There are many men who want their wives to have the option to work and even if they are not at that point currently....it is their goal and they push themselves until that time comes. To me that is what a man is.

They don't shift blame (especially on no woman) they create solutions. I understand why Steve Harvey told another man to "man up".

We don't have details on their whole story but I did feel some kind of way how a grown man is complaining about his wife not working (when she is taking care of the child which is a job in itself). And if she was working I'm sure he would still expect her to cook clean and tend to the children like she is a stay at home mom. There are huge double standards when it comes to women and their roles. We are expected to juggle full time jobs and home by many men. Yet there are women who don't expect the same when it comes to men.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

It may not be that they are willing to risk the happiness of their husband or marriages so that they won't work ...I think it is about expectations and what type of person you marry or want to marry. There are many men who want their wives to have the option to work and even if they are not at that point currently....it is their goal and they push themselves until that time comes. To me that is what a man is.

They don't shift blame (especially on no woman) they create solutions. I understand why Steve Harvey told another man to "man up".

We don't have details on their whole story but I did feel some kind of way how a grown man is complaining about his wife not working (when she is taking care of the child which is a job in itself). And if she was working I'm sure he would still expect her to cook clean and tend to the children like she is a stay at home mom. There are huge double standards when it comes to women and their roles. We are expected to juggle full time jobs and home by many men. Yet there are women who don't expect the same when it comes to men.

And when we speak of sacrificing a husband's happiness, what about sacrificing a wife's? Does it always come down to the wife sacrificing for everyone? He's working, She's staying at home with the children. Now he wants her to work and as you mentioned I'm sure tend and cook (probably) which studies prove that the work load is disproportionately on women (to care for the home). So now he's smiling and she's run down. Is that better? Does that save the marriage?

I do think that maybe there are other solutions like others mentioned such as working from home part time in some way or another or cutting back on expenses. Like for instance: Become one of those extreme super coupon women http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/extreme-couponing who shop till they drop and end up paying next to nothing to do it. If she's savvy enough she could cut costs, and find a way for them to save money without going back to work. But the whole suck it up after breaking your arm and having two babies, back to work thing....seems to me.

 

[tinkat]

And when we speak of sacrificing a husband's happiness, what about sacrificing a wife's? Does it always come down to the wife sacrificing for everyone? He's working, She's staying at home with the children. Now he wants her to work and as you mentioned I'm sure tend and cook (probably) which studies prove that the work load is disproportionately on women (to care for the home). So now he's smiling and she's run down. Is that better? Does that save the marriage? I do think that maybe there are other solutions like others mentioned such as working from home part time in some way or another or cutting back on expenses. Like for instance: Become one of those extreme super coupon women http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/extreme-couponing who shop till they drop and end up paying next to nothing to do it. If she's savvy enough she could cut costs, and find a way for them to save money without going back to work. But the whole suck it up after breaking your arm and having two babies, back to work! Seems to me.

I agree. There are definitely other solutions which have already been mentioned. They have to come together and be realistic on their expenses and compromise on other areas. It's hard to say when we don't have the full story but I just feel like women always get the shorter end of the stick bc we try to be "fair".

 

[Joigirl]

I don't see anything wrong with having one parent stay at home. A lot of women are the breadwinners now, so after having kids it may be more feasible for the man to stay at home. Child care is so expensive that it made no sense for my husband to work full time after we had kids. He works part time, but is available to pick up the kids from school, be at home after school, during the summer and holidays.

My parents keep them for a couple of hours a few days a week when he and I have to work. It works for us and I fortunately make enough money to support the family. He could go back to work full time but the cost of before and after school care, holidays and summer break care would eat into his earnings.

We also did not want our kids in Daycare if we could help it. It is necessary for some families, but we saw that responsibility as our own and were fortunate enough to avoid it. Things were very tight in the beginning, but we are comfortable now.

Some people want it all, kids, money, material goods, vacations and that is not realistic for current circumstances. As a couple they have to decide what is right for their family. Coupon, eat at home, travel on a budget to make it work. Ask her to pick up a side hustle. It is amazing what you can do with less when you have to.

 

[ambergirl]

And when we speak of sacrificing a husband's happiness, what about sacrificing a wife's? Does it always come down to the wife sacrificing for everyone? He's working, She's staying at home with the children. Now he wants her to work and as you mentioned I'm sure tend and cook (probably) which studies prove that the work load is disproportionately on women (to care for the home). So now he's smiling and she's run down. Is that better? Does that save the marriage? I do think that maybe there are other solutions like others mentioned such as working from home part time in some way or another or cutting back on expenses. Like for instance: Become one of those extreme super coupon women http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/extreme-couponing who shop till they drop and end up paying next to nothing to do it. If she's savvy enough she could cut costs, and find a way for them to save money without going back to work. But the whole suck it up after breaking your arm and having two babies, back to work thing....seems to me.

I think they only have one child.

In any event, all relationships require sacrifice and compromise from both people. If he thinks it's best for the family that she work, she can say that means you'll need to pick up these household duties or these aspects of child care. Or if she thinks she needs to care for her child then he can ask that she either cut expenses in significant ways or pick up a side gig or make a plan about how long she will stay out of work.

A lot of the posts on this forum just sound like people are in some kind of competition with their husbands to make sure they get theirs or believe that the epitome of winning is not working. Working is not the end of life. There are worst things then working. And to me a marriage is a team, and if you're a loving team you figure out a way for the team to flourish, not just the individual people.

 

[Kindheart]

Maybe she could work part time so she will be able to contribute a little .Childcare is very expensive these days ,it doesnt sound like he can afford paying all the bills and mortgage on his own ,she might aswell try to contribute a little ,maybe working from home .She could be a Aerbonne representative,a childminder...something

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I think they only have one child.

In any event, all relationships require sacrifice and compromise from both people. If he thinks it's best for the family that she work, she can say that means you'll need to pick up these household duties or these aspects of child care. Or if she thinks she needs to care for her child then he can ask that she either cut expenses in significant ways or pick up a side gig or make a plan about how long she will stay out of work.

A lot of the posts on this forum just sound like people are in some kind of competition with their husbands to make sure they get theirs or believe that the epitome of winning is not working. Working is not the end of life. There are worst things then working. And to me a marriage is a team, and if you're a loving team you figure out a way for the team to flourish, not just the individual people.

We're on the same page.

 

[ChasingBliss]

As someone who hates having a job I agree with what Steve said. I actually think it's wiser for women to have their own business rather than a job though.

He shouldn't have gotten married if he can't support a wife in whatever she wants to do.

I dunno, this response does sit well with me. Especially the last part. What about what he wants too. And why shouldn't men expect or want their wives to help (somehow) in building a life together.


I think the wife should consider what her husband is saying/feeling and they should figure out a way....an at home business as you stated above sounds great. This is a strong case for the reason why folks should have an in depth discussion before getting married about what they expect from one another. If man don't want a stay at home wife/mom...then he should find that out about GF before marriage and then you can find another woman more suitable to be your DW.