Man Up?

[nlamr2013]

How is it OK for him to say get a job or we're getting divorced?

 

[Layluh]

I dunno, this response does sit well with me. Especially the last part. What about what he wants too. And why shouldn't men expect or want their wives to help (somehow) in building a life together.


I think the wife should consider what her husband is saying/feeling and they should figure out a way....an at home business as you stated above sounds great. This is a strong case for the reason why folks should have an in depth discussion before getting married about what they expect from one another. If man don't want a stay at home wife/mom...then he should find that out about GF before marriage and then you can find another woman more suitable to be your DW.

I agree. People should have that convo before marriage. If someone aspires to be the best dag on housewife in America, sea shell collector, or own a start up it should be supported...but at the same time- find out what someone is willing to support before marriage.

Also, there's a bit of projection on my part cause I don't know her. I only know what I'm doing & working toward, the legacy I want for my family, and I expect someone to support me in whatever I want to do.

My interests change often & I love investing in myself, learning new skills & growing in different areas. Whoever I'm with needs to understand that, allow room for personal growth & let me be me. The amount of $ my business pulls in will only continue to grow, which is an asset to whoever I'm with.

 

[Fine 4s]

What? The "contract" is for better or worse, richer or poorer... No marriage stays the same over the duration.

Yeah, I don't see it as "for better or worse".
But if I did, I might agree. Still an agreement/contract.

 

[dicapr]

The husband sounds like a little pussy.

No, the wife sounds selfish. I've seen women insist on keeping with the ideal of a housewife and mother to the detriment of their relationship. Their husbands were stressed, sick all of the time, never home trying to make ends meet, and short tempered causing tension in the home. Your relationship should be a priority. If your husband is working multiple jobs and is never home and continuously cranky do to financial strain will take its toll on the marriage. I do not know if adhering to roles is worth destroying a relationship.

A part time job would be a great compromise.

 

[janiebaby]

Also, there's a bit of projection on my part cause I don't know her.

This is happening with me as well. I can see both sides and agree that there should be a compromise. I keep applying some of this advice to someone I know who is in this situation but it does not work. This person does more now that she doesn't work than when she did. Her husband does the same amount of stuff he's always done which is not much and he makes more now than he did then. He nags all the time and is the type of person that if she died tomorrow would have his mom or other female relative take over her role instead of taking it on himself. He's also said in the past that he didn't want her to work but that was apparently untrue. If she were to get a job now, which she plans on doing, he would count every penny and makes sure she uses them all up before stepping in and using his money to help out in any way.

My thoughts now on this subject which is different than my view in the past is that a woman should always have her own income or savings even if her husband's income is enough for her to stay at home just for respect alone. Whether it's a side hustle, part time job, or sitting on a good amount of savings that doesn't get touched under any circumstances (but that can get dicey as well).

You really have to know what kind of man you're marrying.

 

[tinkat]

My thoughts now on this subject which is different than my view in the past is that a woman should always have her own income or savings even if her husband's income is enough for her to stay at home just for respect alone. Whether it's a side hustle, part time job, or sitting on a good amount of savings that doesn't get touched under any circumstances (but that can get dicey as well).

You really have to know what kind of man you're marrying.

I completely agree with this.

 

[ambergirl]

This is happening with me as well. I can see both sides and agree that there should be a compromise. I keep applying some of this advice to someone I know who is in this situation but it does not work. This person does more now that she doesn't work than when she did. Her husband does the same amount of stuff he's always done which is not much and he makes more now than he did then. He nags all the time and is the type of person that if she died tomorrow would have his mom or other female relative take over her role instead of taking it on himself. He's also said in the past that he didn't want her to work but that was apparently untrue. If she were to get a job now, which she plans on doing, he would count every penny and makes sure she uses them all up before stepping in and using his money to help out in any way. My thoughts now on this subject which is different than my view in the past is that a woman should always have her own income or savings even if her husband's income is enough for her to stay at home just for respect alone. Whether it's a side hustle, part time job, or sitting on a good amount of savings that doesn't get touched under any circumstances (but that can get dicey as well). You really have to know what kind of man you're marrying.

Ugh...that's awful. But I don't think that's uncommon. I'd like to think the signs of this kind of stuff are apparent beforehand but marriage and then kids changes people often times.

And I agree with a woman keeping a little something for herself...always!

 

[nappyeditor]

Still reading through the thread, but I agree with whomever said both people working may not produce a noticeable change in income. I heard on marketplace on NPR that if one person makes less than $40k/year (the other person making more than that), then one person can probably afford to stay home. I believe it. I pay about $12k/ year for one kid and that is very cheap. Add gas, work clothes, lunches, and all that other stuff that is part of working outside of the home and it's easy to just break even.

I wonder if her not working is actually a financial burden or if there is something else going on - he thinks she's lazy or wasting money or something. I think many husbands still view SAHMs as "not working." Point is, husband sounds resentful and there's some info missing as to why.

 

[CaramelLites]

My problem with this whole scenario is if she hasn't worked in almost two yrs he just needs to let it go. Apparently he can support the family, because he already has in this timeframe. I think this is a case of a selfish man who would rather have money of his own to do what he wants. That's why it's very important to know your mate ladies. I have a friend in a situation like this where she pays all the household bills and he uses his money for play. It's so bad the kids have to eat ramen noodles for dinner. I don't feel sorry for her I feel sorry for the kids. They lived together for 3 yrs and she knew he wasn't paying anything, then she got pregnant and forced him to marry her. Now 3 kids later she's in the same situation and doesn't earn any more money than she did when they originally got together. Pick your mate wisely.

 

[julzinha]

My problem with this whole scenario is if she hasn't worked in almost two yrs he just needs to let it go. Apparently he can support the family, because he already has in this timeframe. I think this is a case of a selfish man who would rather have money of his own to do what he wants. That's why it's very important to know your mate ladies. I have a friend in a situation like this where she pays all the household bills and he uses his money for play. It's so bad the kids have to eat ramen noodles for dinner. I don't feel sorry for her I feel sorry for the kids. They lived together for 3 yrs and she knew he wasn't paying anything, then she got pregnant and forced him to marry her. Now 3 kids later she's in the same situation and doesn't earn any more money than she did when they originally got together. Pick your mate wisely.

You're friends situation sounds like she was being an idiot, honestly. She is a clear example of not accepting the reality and basing it on potential.

We don't know all the details, he may have been supporting the family for two years, making ends meet however he can with the hope that she would work again and alleviate the stress.

My issue is that with single parent income households it's always the parent that is working that struggles the most because they essentially lose their family, in terms if being an active parent and spouse, providing for the family financially.

Maybe he sees his child getting older and wants to be there for recitals and take her to the park, but he can't because the families survival depends on him. The wife is SELFISH, anything other than that is a delusion.

Marriage is about working together, not competing and battling to see who can get the most or always getting your way.

 

[TayMac]

My problem with this whole scenario is if she hasn't worked in almost two yrs he just needs to let it go. Apparently he can support the family, because he already has in this timeframe. I think this is a case of a selfish man who would rather have money of his own to do what he wants. That's why it's very important to know your mate ladies. I have a friend in a situation like this where she pays all the household bills and he uses his money for play. It's so bad the kids have to eat ramen noodles for dinner. I don't feel sorry for her I feel sorry for the kids. They lived together for 3 yrs and she knew he wasn't paying anything, then she got pregnant and forced him to marry her. Now 3 kids later she's in the same situation and doesn't earn any more money than she did when they originally got together. Pick your mate wisely.

There really aren't enough details about their specific situation to say that. Maybe their savings is now depleted. Don't know if they have accumulated debt to stay afloat. 2 years of not working is not that long that I would say "give up" and forget about it. They have to come to a compromise.

 

[hopeful]

I think several factors are also being overlooked:

1. People lie, often unintentionally, to the one they love and to themselves. Men tell women all of the time that they won't have to work after marriage. Sometimes things just don't work out how they hoped for many reasons. It is hard for a man to accept that he is not able to carry the financial load. So instead he may focus on other issues to avoid that truth. Women tell the men they love that they are smart, independent, and love their career, but deep down want to be taken care of. People lie to themselves and to those they love all of the time, therefore communication does not always solve all issues unfortunately, because the agreements may be based on intentional or unintentional lies on one or both parts.

2. We all have to accept that we might have to work. In the end we really can only count on ourselves. That's the sad truth. We hope when we marry that there will be things we never have to worry about. For men it may be endless sex and never having to cook. For women it may be not having to work or fix broken things. But women get tired and don't feel like having sex, get tired of cooking, etc. Men can't always carry the financial load. People get sick, mentally or physically, fall short of their hopes and dreams, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else, become alcoholics, etc. Life and people are unpredictable.

3. Not having to work does not equal a perfect life. Envying someone who doesn't work is short-sighted. No one gets through this life without suffering in some shape or form. Working or not working does not save anyone from suffering. Marrying rich or marrying for love is not a guarantee of anything. All any of us can do is do our best, hope for the best, and take full responsibility for ourselves and our happiness.

 

[CaramelLites]

I absolutely agree there is more to the story than the husband is relaying. Because, I absolutely do not know any woman that is so enamored of her child; that she would let the kid and herself become homeless before she would return to working.

 

[sky_blu]

If he can't afford it with his income I would work. I wouldn't want my husband to take on the stress of managing a household that he's couldn't afford. I also wouldn't want my children to go without things because we only could afford our needs.

 

[janiebaby]

I think several factors are also being overlooked:

1. People lie, often unintentionally, to the one they love and to themselves. Men tell women all of the time that they won't have to work after marriage. Sometimes things just don't work out how they hoped for many reasons. It is hard for a man to accept that he is not able to carry the financial load. So instead he may focus on other issues to avoid that truth. Women tell the men they love that they are smart, independent, and love their career, but deep down want to be taken care of. People lie to themselves and to those they love all of the time, therefore communication does not always solve all issues unfortunately, because the agreements may be based on intentional or unintentional lies on one or both parts.

2. We all have to accept that we might have to work. In the end we really can only count on ourselves. That's the sad truth. We hope when we marry that there will be things we never have to worry about. For men it may be endless sex and never having to cook. For women it may be not having to work or fix broken things. But women get tired and don't feel like having sex, get tired of cooking, etc. Men can't always carry the financial load. People get sick, mentally or physically, fall short of their hopes and dreams, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else, become alcoholics, etc. Life and people are unpredictable.

3. Not having to work does not equal a perfect life. Envying someone who doesn't work is short-sighted. No one gets through this life without suffering in some shape or form. Working or not working does not save anyone from suffering. Marrying rich or marrying for love is not a guarantee of anything. All any of us can do is do our best, hope for the best, and take full responsibility for ourselves and our happiness.

I just wanna print this out and post it up on my wall

 

[Mortons]

Him being a truck driver makes the difference to me. If he is driving trucks, he is likely gone quite a bit, leaving her to be the primary parent. If a kid gets sick, she has to take off. If conferences, plays, after school activities happen, she has to transport them. If there is an emergency at the home, its on her to schedule a time to fix it or deal with the emergency. She really does have to take on a larger portion at home if he is a truck driver, so I can understand her feeling like she needs to be at home.

I do think that if you marry at truck driver, you cant be expecting a 6 figure lifestyle, or one where you can just up and quit working. You relegate yourself to a certain type of living by marrying a person with a certain type of job. She needs to at least work part time. And he needs to bring in a little more cash period. If he is gone, a lot, it is likely hard for her to keep a good schedule and a good job while she is expected to be a wife + care for her home alone.

 

[Mortons]

Since people tend to marry folk who are around their status, they need to calculate the daycare costs and if it makes sense for them to cut back with cheaper housing, only home cooked meals, and her finding a smaller job at home, versus her going to work at a full time job. Daycare costs can sometimes cancel out having a job, and some men would just rather you have the job and spend 80% of it on daycare to say you "brought in something". That is very short sighted.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Him being a truck driver makes the difference to me. If he is driving trucks, he is likely gone quite a bit, leaving her to be the primary parent. If a kid gets sick, she has to take off. If conferences, plays, after school activities happen, she has to transport them. If there is an emergency at the home, its on her to schedule a time to fix it or deal with the emergency. She really does have to take on a larger portion at home if he is a truck driver, so I can understand her feeling like she needs to be at home.

I do think that if you marry at truck driver, you cant be expecting a 6 figure lifestyle, or one where you can just up and quit working. You relegate yourself to a certain type of living by marrying a person with a certain type of job. She needs to at least work part time. And he needs to bring in a little more cash period. If he is gone, a lot, it is likely hard for her to keep a good schedule and a good job while she is expected to be a wife + care for her home alone.

My maternal grandfather was a truck driver (3 kids).
My paternal grandfather was a fireman-turned-hospital administrator-turned dean.

Both of my grandmothers spent most of their lives as SAHMs.

I don't think profession makes a difference, it's simply a matter of priorities and values.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Daycare costs can sometimes cancel out having a job, and some men would just rather you have the job and spend 80% of it on daycare to say you "brought in something". That is very short sighted.

Agreed.

My first instinct instinct is the husband needs to man up. I also don't like the husband's attitude that staying home and taking care of their child isn't contributing to the household. It most certainly is and child-rearing is no easy task.

The big question for me is what did they agree upon before marriage? If they agreed beforehand that she would stay at home when they had children then he needs to man up and get a better job himself.

barbiesocialite, I agree with you completely about priorities and values.

 

[Mortons]

My maternal grandfather was a truck driver (3 kids).
My paternal grandfather was a fireman-turned-hospital administrator-turned dean.

Both of my grandmothers spent most of their lives as SAHMs.

I don't think profession makes a difference, it's simply a matter of priorities and values.

I can agree with that, but obviously this guy does not value or prioritize his wife staying at home, so it doesnt matter in his case. I do encourage practicality more than anything else in the cases of finances.

 

[MD_Lady]

IMO, her not going back to work just because she "doesn't want to" isn't a good enough reason. Where would any of our relationships be if we only did the things we wanted to do and stopped doing them as soon as we no longer felt like doing them?

 

[MD_Lady]

I think they only have one child.

In any event, all relationships require sacrifice and compromise from both people. If he thinks it's best for the family that she work, she can say that means you'll need to pick up these household duties or these aspects of child care. Or if she thinks she needs to care for her child then he can ask that she either cut expenses in significant ways or pick up a side gig or make a plan about how long she will stay out of work.

A lot of the posts on this forum just sound like people are in some kind of competition with their husbands to make sure they get theirs or believe that the epitome of winning is not working. Working is not the end of life. There are worst things then working. And to me a marriage is a team, and if you're a loving team you figure out a way for the team to flourish, not just the individual people.

And that means doing what you have to do even when it's not what you want to do (and that goes for both parties).

 

[Country gal]

When they married it appears they both were working. The baby is almost 2 years old. She could be working part time or making money on the side creating a business. I don't think he is being weak. He has a job that is tiring. He is driving a truck all day and may require heavy lifting. Some people get complacent and use to being at home. The mother probably has exhausted her unemployment from the lay off. I feel it is time to return to work.

 

[DayStar]

I was a SAHM for a few years. No thanks . Its a hard job. I'm currently a SAHM because im on mat leave and its a job in itself.

I cant assess this situation because I need more details.

I will say that if u work outside the home ladies make ur husbands help u in the home.

My husband does the laundry weekly and the cooking some days and takes care of our oldest. I dont believe in women struggling with home and work.

Pick your mate wisely.