Ranting for no reason

PrissiSippi

PrissiSippi

Simply Komplex
Befell like a feminist. It's the Fourth of July so of course I spent time with my future in laws. My bf was kinda sad about our relationship about a month ago and told his parents about the situation but I'm not so sure how in depth. So his parents asked us how was everything and were we ready to set a wedding date. I told her truthfully that we were working on our relationship but I get frustrated by the fact that he doesn't help around the house, we don't talk finances, I have to tell him Things that need to get done, and he's just not good with manly stuff around the house so I feel overburdened.

Lol they basically told me to accept he won't ever change and if I want the house clean should just clean it. Thats true. He won't change. They explained That's my role as a wife. I probably do sound condescending but of course I asked what exactly is the role of a husband then? Long gone are the days where the man pays all the bills and the woman cooks and cleans. Look I pay half of the bills. I cook, laundering, clean, and take care of the house. If I just "suck it up" and clean the house or get the lawned mowed if he doesn't exactly what in Hades do I need you for? You are an additional child.

They told me I need to realize that many would love to be with him. He's caring a engineer with money with no kids and very considerate but do they not realize I can say the same? I'm younger than him at 26 with a good job no kids and very ambitious sitting two years away from a doctorate and a nice bank account? Puh lease! A guy would be LUCKY to have me.

They say I have a lot to learn as a wife and if I have this same attitude by next year his mom will recommend that we not get married. Lol I totally understand I'll say the same probably to my sob's future wife but to be honest this is a reminder to myself don't let my child be book smart but lazy as heck. Encourage him to be self sufficient in all areas. I am not captain save a heaaaax for a boy
 
If you chose to marry him, make sure you get a cleaner. He sure won't change especially when his parents have that attitude.
 
I wouldn't discuss my fiancé with anyone, much less his family. Regardless of how close you are to his family, blood is thicker than water, and your vents today maybe used against you tomorrow.
 
Speaking to your boyfriend's mother about the issues you have with him is a big nono. She will never take your side. The fact that she thinks she can influence whether or not you get married to her son speaks volumes.

People don't change without them wanting to. Speak to your boyfriend about your concerns and watch his actions from then on.
 
My SO's mother is the opposite. She doesn't take his side. She mostly takes my side and get on his behind. But that conversation alone would make me want to drop SO fearing his whole family is too full of themselves and delusional. But I do agree discussing it with the family is a no no. Everyone I do that I end up in a very heated argument with SO
 
You should have kept that to yourself. What's going on between you and you fiance is none of their business. However, their attitude that it's your job to do everything is probably the same attitude they raised their son with and why he feels like he doesn't need to do anything but work and bring his money home.

I'd be done. You obviously have a lot of issues with this guy, he has no desire to change, his family is telling him that you're tripping and he's a great catch, and you've allowed them to be way too involved in your relationship. You might as well pack him up and send him back to mommy and daddy.

ETA: My response is based on your previous threads about him, not just this one.
 
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FoxxyLocs said:
You should have kept that to yourself. What's going on between you and you fiance is none of their business. However, their attitude that it's your job to do everything is probably the same attitude they raised they son with and why he feels like he doesn't need to do anything but work and bring his money home. I'd be done. You obviously have a lot of issues with this guy, he has no desire to change, his family is telling him that you're tripping and he's a great catch, and you've allowed them to be way too involved in your relationship. You might as well pack him up and send him back to mommy and daddy. ETA: My response is based on your previous threads about him, not just this one.
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Yeah I'm a sharer. I share my life too much with friends. I have heard in the past keep all of y'all's problems in house. I haven't mastered that yet. I was just being honest. I told them what I had to work on (nagging) but told them he doesn't help around the house unless told what to do and I'm not Finns "let him be" cuz if we have kids I will be overburdened and resentful. I work just like he works. He can pick up more chores. They told me if he doesn't take out the trash just take it out. Then wth will he be doing then?

That's that old school thinking to me. A man is better than no man. But they say the man will eventually respect u for keeping the house clean and years later they will change and start to help you. Lol they crazy who Finns wait 5 years.

But I did learn my lesson. To friends acquaintances and family how is your relationship? "Great!!! Never been happier!!!"
 
Even though you shouldn't have, the conversation gave some in-depth insight into his dynamic with his mom, how he was raised, and the future you will have to accept with this family.
 
I don't think this man will make you happy, and you are heading towards marriage with these doubts and I think you'll go ahead and marry him and resent him. He'll probably make another woman happy, a woman who doesn't mind his limitations and unwillingness to do house cleaning e.t.c, two years isn't such a long time to write off, instead of getting into a marriage you already doubt. His family telling him he is a fantastic catch [and doesn't need to lift a finger, how did he manage when he lived alone] isn't helping.
 
lol I'm just still laughing to myself. I told them he needs to be told too much such as iron hsi clothes get a haircut and I have had to teach him how to dress. They told me I am wrong because he is a (insert last name boy) and he has alwways known how to dress he just has probably chosen not to.


Yeah Yeah.

When I met him he was wearing too little shirts jeans and three year old Vans to work saying that was business casual. looool Stooooop it. That clean cut, polo wearing, banana republic shopping, creed smelling, debonair man with style.... I made that.

^^Yall don't listen to me. I'm on my Kanye west rant now. But I can't bring it up to my fiance cuz I truly brought that convo on myself but the whole convo just annoyed me. It's like yes let him be a man and do nothing and you do everything even though both of you work because HE IS A MAN and that is just the way things go
 
If you really want to be with him and you really want this to work then try to set up a chore schedule. I have a friend that's in a similar situation with her SO. They split the bills down the middle but they also split chores. She runs the household I suppose because he gives her the bill money and she pays it and she delegates what chores he has to do. I know she complains very little about things being done around the house because he knows to do it.

If that doesn't work for you then move on. You can't force him to be what he isn't. What his mother said would've turned me off totally and yes; keep most of your issues to yourself. She didn't need to know all that.

Sidebar: Don't blame yourself for nagging. If he did what he was supposed to do you wouldn't have to say squat in the first place. I feel like after you told him what the issues were he should be working on fixing them. If he needs help he should come to you for it.
 
Run.

Run.

Run.

Lol seriously get a cleaner and think hard because his family's attitude will always justify his laziness in his mind..

I've also had my SO family give me that he's just a man, you're lucky to have a good man, all men are like that speech after a disagreement that they unfortunately got involved in... I was polite but it's really BS as I grew up with a mother and father and my dad isn't and never has been a lazy, entitled man. He's fiercely independent and would never watch my mother slaving away without doing his part.

I honestly think you should give this serious thought because if you have a child with him this will feel ten times worse. Believe me, I know first hand. It'll be very hard to respect him as an adult. Good luck..
 
Nayna said:
If you really want to be with him and you really want this to work then try to set up a chore schedule. I have a friend that's in a similar situation with her SO. They split the bills down the middle but they also split chores. She runs the household I suppose because he gives her the bill money and she pays it and she delegates what chores he has to do. I know she complains very little about things being done around the house because he knows to do it.

If that doesn't work for you then move on. You can't force him to be what he isn't. What his mother said would've turned me off totally and yes; keep most of your issues to yourself. She didn't need to know all that.

Sidebar: Don't blame yourself for nagging. If he did what he was supposed to do you wouldn't have to say squat in the first place. I feel like after you told him what the issues were he should be working on fixing them. If he needs help he should come to you for it.
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This man is not going to follow anybody's chore schedule you can forget that. :lachen:

I agree with the family---applied to this guy, get used it if you plan on getting married.

OR

like the poster above me just said: RUN! :roadrunner:
 
PrissiSippi said:
Befell like a feminist. It's the Fourth of July so of course I spent time with my future in laws. My bf was kinda sad about our relationship about a month ago and told his parents about the situation but I'm not so sure how in depth. So his parents asked us how was everything and were we ready to set a wedding date. I told her truthfully that we were working on our relationship but I get frustrated by the fact that he doesn't help around the house, we don't talk finances, I have to tell him Things that need to get done, and he's just not good with manly stuff around the house so I feel overburdened.

Lol they basically told me to accept he won't ever change and if I want the house clean should just clean it. Thats true. He won't change. They explained That's my role as a wife. I probably do sound condescending but of course I asked what exactly is the role of a husband then? Long gone are the days where the man pays all the bills and the woman cooks and cleans. Look I pay half of the bills. I cook, laundering, clean, and take care of the house. If I just "suck it up" and clean the house or get the lawned mowed if he doesn't exactly what in Hades do I need you for? You are an additional child.

They told me I need to realize that many would love to be with him. He's caring a engineer with money with no kids and very considerate but do they not realize I can say the same? I'm younger than him at 26 with a good job no kids and very ambitious sitting two years away from a doctorate and a nice bank account? Puh lease! A guy would be LUCKY to have me.

They say I have a lot to learn as a wife and if I have this same attitude by next year his mom will recommend that we not get married. Lol I totally understand I'll say the same probably to my sob's future wife but to be honest this is a reminder to myself don't let my child be book smart but lazy as heck. Encourage him to be self sufficient in all areas. I am not captain save a heaaaax for a boy
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I'm like this with a couple male relatives and friends.

You didnt do yourself any favors with that rant.

The next time you have a problem from here on our this will def be used against you. They are going to tell him he can do better. That's what I'd do if I were the family.

Men like to vent to their mama, sister, female cousins. While they might tell him he needs to get his ish together, they are definitely going to drag you through the mud in the process (usually unintentionally bc getting men to do things or to be better requires eqo stroke so someone else needs to be the bad guy :look:). It's not fair. But blood is thicker than water or girlpower lol Be forewarned.....

Please keep your relationship sacred by keeping things private.
 
you need to accept that this is what youre in for. everybody in your life and his life, INCLUDING HIM, is telling you things are not going to be any different after youre married. you need to get with it or get lost.

and if you choose to stay for it, you dont have anyone else to blame but yourself, so you can let go of calling him a child and saying youll not really get a "husband" out of the deal. now youre even implying its the parents fault for raising him that way. no, its YOUR fault youre in a relationship with a man who behaves like a slovenly child.
 
Babysaffy said:
Run. Run. Run. Lol seriously get a cleaner and think hard because his family's attitude will always justify his laziness in his mind.. I've also had my SO family give me that he's just a man, you're lucky to have a good man, all men are like that speech after a disagreement that they unfortunately got involved in... I was polite but it's really BS as I grew up with a mother and father and my dad isn't and never has been a lazy, entitled man. He's fiercely independent and would never watch my mother slaving away without doing his part. I honestly think you should give this serious thought because if you have a child with him this will feel ten times worse. Believe me, I know first hand. It'll be very hard to respect him as an adult. Good luck..
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Are you still with him Babysaffy?
 
^ Yes.. Just about.. I refuse to post too much about it but it's not an easy road to take, it's four years since he moved in and he's mostly trained but I still have to blow up on him every now and then. It takes a long time to change the attitudes someone was raised with. His mum does call him a lazy bugger but I know if push came to shove she'd always side with him and my mum is fairly traditional and loves him to pieces too so even she takes his side sometimes :wallbash:

I will not raise our DS like that though. He's only three but I already let him know I'm not there to clean up his messes etc and he helps me load the washing machine and put away laundry lol
 
bunnycolvin said:
you need to accept that this is what youre in for. everybody in your life and his life, INCLUDING HIM, is telling you things are not going to be any different after youre married. you need to get with it or get lost. and if you choose to stay for it, you dont have anyone else to blame but yourself, so you can let go of calling him a child and saying youll not really get a "husband" out of the deal. now youre even implying its the parents fault for raising him that way. no, its YOUR fault youre in a relationship with a man who behaves like a slovenly child.
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This right here is everything.

I volunteer several hours a month at an abusive shelter and most women who I spoke with all said the red flags were there and they ignore them.
 
Sorry to be all up in your thread. But I agree eith Barbie about the future MIL bring ing it up every time there's issue she gets wind of.

Take it one step further... before I injected how long before she tells him you were talking ish. Oh no. How long before she tells the WHOOOOLE family. They may all take this as a personal slight against their family dynamics/how they raise choldren. Sho' in he'll makes it not worth it adding his laziness plus their upcoming persecution.

That's worst case.

Chiiiile....
 
I dealt with this recently OP.

It's hard to get them to change...I mean it takes YEARS.

It'll be even longer if his family always sides with him.

I would run. If you don't run I'd sit him down & let him know your goals in life. Whether it's having a happy family, being a great career woman...just let him know your dreams & goals are way more important than worrying about all of the little things that need to be done. If he wants to go to work looking a mess- let him. Yall can get a maid, he can help out more, but don't run yourself ragged & risk having a nervous breakdown.

My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was 8 & she's never been the same.

Learn how to protect your peace of mind before children come...whether you're with him or not.

You may want to find someone who values change & growth if you leave too.
 
People don't change. He is on his best behavior right now so count on him becoming less helpful after you get married, if you decide to stay.

It's easier to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce.
 
PrissiSippi said:
^^Yall don't listen to me. I'm on my Kanye west rant now. But I can't bring it up to my fiance cuz I truly brought that convo on myself but the whole convo just annoyed me. It's like yes let him be a man and do nothing and you do everything even though both of you work because HE IS A MAN and that is just the way things go
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The thing is, some women like and prefer this. I don't think that it's entirely a character flaw, i just think that it doesn't fit into what you're probably looking for in a spouse.
 
If you think Mamma is gonna help you out, think again. I would have kept all'dat to myself. Vent to anyone but his Mamma.
 
He's probably that way in large part because of how he was raised so no surprise that mom is thinking he's the prize and you need to suck it up. Also agree that the family and especially mom will never choose your side over his. I've seen mothers defend their sons when their behavior is absolutely indefensible if not harmful, evil, cruel. They can't admit their sons have issues because they feel responsible for how they turned out.

It is what it is. It's not going to get better and will likely get worse with marriage and kids. Lots and lots of women spend a lifetime with men just like yours. It's just a matter of whether you can deal with that.
 
Our family dynamics are just sooooo different. I hate to say it but a lot of it to me is first generation kids versus my family in which both my parents and grandparents went to college but fiancé' parents did not.

I say this because I talked about this with my dad (first generation student and only one to go to college in his fam) and he told me the same. He told me I don't have to like it but it's true. Girls when little "play house". They cook and clean and take care of all household duties and that is and should be their job despite whether they work or not. And if the man messes up it's the woman's role to take up slack.

He can miss me with that
 
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