Questions To Ask And Consider Of A Potential Husband

T

theRaven

Well-Known Member
  • What questions should be asked when considering a SO as a potential husband?
  • Both questions to ask the potential husband and questions to ask ourselves.
  • What should be considered red flags.
  • What information should be known such as finance, family, history, career, and personality areas.
 
Last edited:
janaq2003 said:
Have you ever identified yourself as bisexual is a definite one.
Click to expand...

You may have to get more specific, (esp. within our community, because guys can have sex with other men and still not see themselves as bi or gay).

- Have you kissed another man before?
- Have you been intimate with another man before?
- (eta) Do you watch pornography frequently? At all?

- Do you have a criminal record (if so, then why)?
- How often do you drink alcohol?
- Do you gamble?

- Do you like to travel? Where all have you visited?
- How you feel about moving for a work opportunity?

Just a few from the top of my head. Sure that the ladies will add to the list.
 
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Hmmm... @honeybee had hit upon a point in another thread that was very good. I want to underscore it here. The point, as I saw it, was how does he treat me?

I like that she brought up that point because women can get fixated on certain things (e.g., defined outcomes, specific answers, etc.) and that fixation serves little purpose. (So for example, in the other thread the OP insisted that she never pays for a first date yet she paid $100 in cab fare to go on a first date. That a man paid for the first date is not a great sign if you miss a glaring red flag.)

So I say alladat to caution you when looking for particular answers to questions from him if you don't ask yourself: how does he treat me?
 
Just throwing this out there--- as read in MDLWLY...
You have to ask the questions in a certain way and gauge from the answer.

Men want the conquest. They are going to say anything to get it. They will pick up on your clues on how to answer your question so you will let you guard down to give him some. You may be evaluating him to be a husband but he is evaluating you to see what he needs to do or say to get in your draws.

So for the questions you want to know- ask them unsuspectingly-
For example, you want to know his stance on cheating...
"OMG- one of my guy friends just told me he is cheating on his wife. I told him to be careful, he may get caught and risk losing his family. I wonder if the new woman is worth losing his family over... what do you think?"
His response is going to CLEARLY tell you how he feels about infidelity- it is OUR job as women to listen to his words as they come out (not what we want to hear) and what he isn't saying (body posture, facial expressions, attentiveness). I think far too often, we women get responses that we don't want to hear and file them away thinking we can change the men... meanwhile he is telling us "I am not the guy for you, I am going to break your heart" in his own way.

I personally did that with my ex husband--- he told me clear as day he wasn't getting married until after he been with a woman over 5 years, had a kid and lived together. If I was smarter back then when I met him at 24, I wouldn't be a single mother to our son now. I could have moved on and found someone else more aligned with what I wanted (getting engaged within 2-3 years, getting married, then having a kid, etc). Instead I wasted my youth, my time, and my money and while I got a beautiful son out of it- I would have rather marriage and a family with a man who was mentally grown.

Reminds me of another poster on here---- she was talking about her man and his friend dogging the friend's baby mother out because the baby momma wants to be married, etc. Now while it wasn't her man that was doing it, he was clearly telling her who he was. He isn't above doing the same as well and if she were smart, she would stay on birth control and don't accidentally get pregnant. These men aren't "changing on us" - we weren't paying attention in the first place or just thought "it won't happen to me... he won't do that to me..."
 
awhyley said:
You may have to get more specific, (esp. within our community, because guys can have sex with other men and still not see themselves as bi or gay).

- Have you kissed another man before?
- Have you been intimate with another man before?

- Do you have a criminal record (if so, then why)?
- How often do you drink alcohol?
- Do you gamble?

- Do you like to travel? Where all have you visited?
- How you feel about moving for a work opportunity?

Just a few from the top of my head. Sure that the ladies will add to the list.
Click to expand...

I remember another poster said to ask this type of question at a random point in the conversation but as if it were a normal question. It catches them off guard.
 
movingforward13 said:
Just throwing this out there--- as read in MDLWLY...
You have to ask the questions in a certain way and gauge from the answer.

Men want the conquest. They are going to say anything to get it. They will pick up on your clues on how to answer your question so you will let you guard down to give him some. You may be evaluating him to be a husband but he is evaluating you to see what he needs to do or say to get in your draws.

So for the questions you want to know- ask them unsuspectingly-
For example, you want to know his stance on cheating...
"OMG- one of my guy friends just told me he is cheating on his wife. I told him to be careful, he may get caught and risk losing his family. I wonder if the new woman is worth losing his family over... what do you think?"
His response is going to CLEARLY tell you how he feels about infidelity- it is OUR job as women to listen to his words as they come out (not what we want to hear) and what he isn't saying (body posture, facial expressions, attentiveness). I think far too often, we women get responses that we don't want to hear and file them away thinking we can change the men... meanwhile he is telling us "I am not the guy for you, I am going to break your heart" in his own way.

I personally did that with my ex husband--- he told me clear as day he wasn't getting married until after he been with a woman over 5 years, had a kid and lived together. If I was smarter back then when I met him at 24, I wouldn't be a single mother to our son now. I could have moved on and found someone else more aligned with what I wanted (getting engaged within 2-3 years, getting married, then having a kid, etc). Instead I wasted my youth, my time, and my money and while I got a beautiful son out of it- I would have rather marriage and a family with a man who was mentally grown.

Reminds me of another poster on here---- she was talking about her man and his friend dogging the friend's baby mother out because the baby momma wants to be married, etc. Now while it wasn't her man that was doing it, he was clearly telling her who he was. He isn't above doing the same as well and if she were smart, she would stay on birth control and don't accidentally get pregnant. These men aren't "changing on us" - we weren't paying attention in the first place or just thought "it won't happen to me... he won't do that to me..."
Click to expand...

Yes you are so right! Situational questions and situational scenarios can provide better gauges for a SO.
 
movingforward13 said:
Reminds me of another poster on here---- she was talking about her man and his friend dogging the friend's baby mother out because the baby momma wants to be married, etc. Now while it wasn't her man that was doing it, he was clearly telling her who he was. He isn't above doing the same as well and if she were smart, she would stay on birth control and don't accidentally get pregnant. These men aren't "changing on us" - we weren't paying attention in the first place or just thought "it won't happen to me... he won't do that to me..."
Click to expand...

This reminds me, I saw that thread, but wasn't able comment in it. Did that thread go poof?
 
First the weed-out...I don't even entertain men who;
1. Have more than two kids
2. Have two kids with two different moms
3. Have two kids with a woman they didn't marry
4. Doesn't believe in Jesus
5. Doesn't make at least as much money as me (general job title)


Then, rather than a bunch of interview questions, I try to bring up general topics and listen for specifics that tell me about his character and activities.

For Example:
-Me and a new guy were at Starbucks talking about cars (get him comfortable with a subject he likes) and he was in the middle of a story about a white guy who randomly wanted to buy his previous car ( a 2009 benz)...and I casually interrupted-"For real? He just wanted to take over the car note right then and there?" To which he replied offhandedly, "No, I had paid cash for it."...and continued with his story. Which told me the following about him:
1. He saves money
2. He has enough cash on hand to buy and sell things on a whim
3. He is not overly attached to fancy things

And I use subsequent conversations to see if those assumptions are supported.

Other things I listen for:
-how often you talk about and see your child(ren)
-How you support your children financially
-How you talk about your child's mother
-What goals you've made and accomplished
-What goals you are currently working on and the steps you are taking
-If you expect your wife to work (I usually make the statement right away that I want another/more kids and I don't plan to work full time when I have them) their reaction says a lot.
-What kind of friends you have...kangs of a feather live in basements together...
 
mrselle said:
What information can you gain if the answer is yes?
Click to expand...
You will understand that it MAY affect you and your life in some form or another. That could be certain mental diseases passed down in the genes to a child you make with him...Or a possible dysfunctional upbringing due to a mentally ill caregiver passing down negative coping mechanisms to him thus affecting the way he responds and behaves under pressure. There are so many ways this can affect a spouse. Example: even suicide runs in families. There was a story about that in the news a while back. Father committed suicide, his children grew up and did the same thing.

Imagine finding out your spouse was raised by a schizophrenic parent. As a therapist I have learned a lot of the reasons why some of my clients are in therapy is because have been raised by mentally ill parent who (often) were never dx'd.
 
movingforward13 said:
The mental illness question is a good question but I don't see most people being too upfront about their bi-polar aunt or schizophrenic brother.... that is one of those questions you have to approach lightly or find a situation to relate it to so the guy can be more truthful
Click to expand...

I agree that it is a topic you have to approach with care. There is a history of mental illness in my husband's family and it has only been within the last couple of years that he has been open to acknowledging it.
 
theRaven said:
  • What questions should be asked when considering a SO as a potential husband?
  • Both questions to ask the potential husband and questions to ask ourselves.
  • What should be considered red flags.
  • What information should be known such as finance, family, history, career, and personality areas.
Click to expand...
I really think time and behavior is the best indicator. You can play 101 questions all day and still not know someone. But behaviors and time will be your best bet. Also I think standing your ground by saying no would show if a person is a short time potential mate or long term-potential mate.
 
I just separated from a guy who I really liked and thought was the one but found out certain things about him through asking questions that I couldn't handle. I brought this book "The book of questions." That was recommended by someone on this forum. We went through half of the book while on a date at the park. At first it was fun upon reading the first couple of questions, but then the questions and the mood started to get serious. It was then that I found out that he didn't want to have kids, and he didn't believe in God. There were some other things he mentioned that were a hard pill to swallow. In one way I hate that book lol, but in another way it saved me from wasting time and a lot of heartache.

Here is a description of the book I found on Amazon if anyone is interested.
"This is a book for personal growth, a tool for deepening relationships, a lively conversation starter for the family dinner table, a fun way to pass the time in the car. It poses over 300 questions that invite people to explore the most fascinating of subjects: themselves and how they really feel about the world."
 
ArrrBeee said:
I totally agree with @movingforward13 . Liars gonna lie. It's also helpful to ask the same questions at different times. Your best bet is to trust your instincts and look at his actions. Talk is cheap.
Click to expand...

Watch his actions over time. Do his words and actions match up consistently? And always most importantly, what is your gut telling you? Some dudes will be offended by Chris Brown beating up Rihanna but not bat an eye about a guy cheating on his wife. People can be very selective about their compassion. Pay attention, trust your gut. I went to a seminar where the speaker said if you see a red light and still run it, seeing red lights make no difference. So learn to recognize red flags and have the courage and self love to move on.
 
hopeful said:
Can you go into more detail re doing a Narc check? What does that entail?
Click to expand...
Girl as I wrote that, I wondered myself how I'd describe it. And even though I had my issues with this in my marriage in the past, I would have to take the time to compile my thoughts on it all... One thing I know is that it is easier to identify when a person has already dealt with one. You'd know what to look for... But I've seen youtube vids that discuss how to see if he or she is a narcissist before you get in too deep.
 
CoilyFields said:
First the weed-out...I don't even entertain men who;
1. Have more than two kids
2. Have two kids with two different moms
3. Have two kids with a woman they didn't marry
4. Doesn't believe in Jesus
5. Doesn't make at least as much money as me (general job title)


Then, rather than a bunch of interview questions, I try to bring up general topics and listen for specifics that tell me about his character and activities.

For Example:
-Me and a new guy were at Starbucks talking about cars (get him comfortable with a subject he likes) and he was in the middle of a story about a white guy who randomly wanted to buy his previous car ( a 2009 benz)...and I casually interrupted-"For real? He just wanted to take over the car note right then and there?" To which he replied offhandedly, "No, I had paid cash for it."...and continued with his story. Which told me the following about him:
1. He saves money
2. He has enough cash on hand to buy and sell things on a whim
3. He is not overly attached to fancy things

And I use subsequent conversations to see if those assumptions are supported.

Other things I listen for:
-how often you talk about and see your child(ren)
-How you support your children financially
-How you talk about your child's mother
-What goals you've made and accomplished
-What goals you are currently working on and the steps you are taking
-If you expect your wife to work (I usually make the statement right away that I want another/more kids and I don't plan to work full time when I have them) their reaction says a lot.
-What kind of friends you have...kangs of a feather live in basements together...
Click to expand...

:lachen::lachen::lachen:
 
ChasingBliss said:
Girl as I wrote that, I wondered myself how I'd describe it. And even though I had my issues with this in my marriage in the past, I would have to take the time to compile my thoughts on it all... One thing I know is that it is easier to identify when a person has already dealt with one. You'd know what to look for... But I've seen youtube vids that discuss how to see if he or she is a narcissist before you get in too deep.
Click to expand...

Ok thanks, because I initially thought that this was a police-related background check of some sort. I can understand where a check for narcissists is recommended as well though.
 
CoilyFields said:
First the weed-out...I don't even entertain men who;
1. Have more than two kids
2. Have two kids with two different moms
3. Have two kids with a woman they didn't marry
4. Doesn't believe in Jesus
5. Doesn't make at least as much money as me (general job title)


Then, rather than a bunch of interview questions, I try to bring up general topics and listen for specifics that tell me about his character and activities.

For Example:
-Me and a new guy were at Starbucks talking about cars (get him comfortable with a subject he likes) and he was in the middle of a story about a white guy who randomly wanted to buy his previous car ( a 2009 benz)...and I casually interrupted-"For real? He just wanted to take over the car note right then and there?" To which he replied offhandedly, "No, I had paid cash for it."...and continued with his story. Which told me the following about him:
1. He saves money
2. He has enough cash on hand to buy and sell things on a whim
3. He is not overly attached to fancy things

And I use subsequent conversations to see if those assumptions are supported.

Other things I listen for:
-how often you talk about and see your child(ren)
-How you support your children financially
-How you talk about your child's mother
-What goals you've made and accomplished
-What goals you are currently working on and the steps you are taking
-If you expect your wife to work (I usually make the statement right away that I want another/more kids and I don't plan to work full time when I have them) their reaction says a lot.
-What kind of friends you have...kangs of a feather live in basements together...
Click to expand...
I think the key thing here is to not ask, but to listen. I have been told enough by men, and I still didn't listen.
 
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