Paying Bills And Marriage

[fluffyforever]

This is a very interesting thread. A lot of what I hear does not take into consideration that times have changed. Those saying that a "real" man takes prides in paying for most everything in their marriage are passing judgement on what manhood is like. Just like people love passing judgement on what womanhood is supposed to be.

The idea that men should foot all or most of the bills in a marriage has been used for centuries to support the idea that men should get better jobs then women and get paid more for doing the same, since men have the burden to support families. How is our society supposed to function if we keep demanding work equality for women, but at the end of the day, "real" men have to foot most of the bills in their marriage? As more women are climbing up the career ladder and leveling out the workfield, the men that fit those manly standards for husbands will have to make even more money than they are. Eventually, where are they going to find those men?

This all day!!! I make more than my SO and always will just because of my career choice. We both do what we love, so I'm not mad that he can't bring more to the table than I can. He's no less of a real man than any other husband that pays 100% of bills.

Now dating is another story. I'm old school when it comes to that. But marriage is when two become one unit. People should do what works for them financially, and definitely have this conversation before marriage. Regarding the situation in the OP, I couldn't do that as the woman. I'm all for equal access to excess funds and working together and having discussions on how it should be spent.

 

[calliope]

But it wasnt and that is some of the reasons for the pearl clutching. She makes significantly less than him why is my question as to why he doesn't go ahead and foot most of the bills instead of arranging for her to have $400 left to spend on herself in comparison with his $750.

*I consider savings a bill.

Right? My dh is the head of the house and I give him that respect and even "ask" permission to go places, buy things etc.I know he will always say yes and he seems surprised every time I do it, but I like to. That being said I could not be with a man who wouldn't want me to have equal to or really more than him in the spending money department. That is just so petty and small. I don't treat him like a king to be some dang court jester-i am not here for his amusement. You gotta pay to play.

 

[TopShelf]

Because that's what men do: take care of their women (wives/mothers/daughters).

clearly she racked up a bunch of debt by herself. She did this on her own accord. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to see she's bad with money. She's going to do it again too. Her DH should want to assist and protect her. If her DH isnt wiling or doesnt feel it's his place to help maneuver, buffer or fix the situation to help her it says a lot about him as a man

At what point does being responsible for your own actions come in? I am more than happy to accept financial assistance from a FH/DH but if you already feel that your husband SHOULD pay your debts that you accrued prior to marriage then the notion to "curb your spending" will never cross your mind.

The fact that i love my husband would mean that i would not want to burden him with my poor financial decisions. You all will say that every man wants to pay the bills, it makes them feel like a man. Guess what, i am sure they all would feel just as masculine looking at their accounts get bigger and bigger just the same.

This is no different than when people get drunk. You know your limit but feel that you should drink yourself silly and then everyone around you should take responsible for your behavior.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Right? My dh is the head of the house and I give him that respect and even "ask" permission to go places, buy things etc.I know he will always say yes and he seems surprised every time I do it, but I like to. That being said I could not be with a man who wouldn't want me to have equal to or really more than him in the spending money department. That is just so petty and small. I don't treat him like a king to be some dang court jester-i am not here for his amusement. You gotta pay to play.

YESSSS!!!

I love your posts calliope!

 

[SincerelyJane]

I knew the work with a brotha/blk folk can't afford to do so mantra was coming, lol.

There are black men that are doing very well, that's all I date and will marry..

Thats wonderful and I'm really happy for you.

Every time a thread like this comes up there are like 1 or 2 people who feel the need to let everyone know they are different from the norm, that they are not like regular black folk. Like we haven't heard you say variation of this in like 50-11 other threads. You're not the only one who does this. To be fair, I used to do this too, until I realized how tacky I was being.

 

[SuchaLady]

Thats wonderful and I'm really happy for you.

Every time a thread like this comes up there are like 1 or 2 people who feel the need to let everyone know they are different from the norm, that they are not like regular black folk. Like we haven't heard you say variation of this in like 50-11 other threads. You're not the only one who does this. To be fair, I used to do this too, until I realized how tacky I was being.

 

[SophieDulce]

Good thread

 

[DragonPearl]

At what point does being responsible for your own actions come in? I am more than happy to accept financial assistance from a FH/DH but if you already feel that your husband SHOULD pay your debts that you accrued prior to marriage then the notion to "curb your spending" will never cross your mind.

The fact that i love my husband would mean that i would not want to burden him with my poor financial decisions. You all will say that every man wants to pay the bills, it makes them feel like a man. Guess what, i am sure they all would feel just as masculine looking at their accounts get bigger and bigger just the same.

This is no different than when people get drunk. You know your limit but feel that you should drink yourself silly and then everyone around you should take responsible for your behavior.

I think some women view men as rescuers. Men are going to come into their lives and take care of them financially and all will be well.

If it works for them, more power to them.

Me personally, I like to know that I can take care of myself very well with or without a man, that I can stand on my own two feet. Men coming into my life add to what I already have.

 

[barbiesocialite]

At what point does being responsible for your own actions come in? I am more than happy to accept financial assistance from a FH/DH but if you already feel that your husband SHOULD pay your debts that you accrued prior to marriage then the notion to "curb your spending" will never cross your mind.

The fact that i love my husband would mean that i would not want to burden him with my poor financial decisions. You all will say that every man wants to pay the bills, it makes them feel like a man. Guess what, i am sure they all would feel just as masculine looking at their accounts get bigger and bigger just the same.

This is no different than when people get drunk. You know your limit but feel that you should drink yourself silly and then everyone around you should take responsible for your behavior.

I don't know.

I'm fairly debt-free but I know that the way I was raised that whenever I have a financial dilemma the solution posed by family members and friends for me to fix it (even now) is: GET MARRIED. (usually get a man or new one actually) And all of the women that tell me this ARE married. Naturally, this influences my standards and expectations. My SOs have a habit of getting multiple jobs during our relationship or going back to school without me having to ask or inquire.

"Pay to play" as calliope said is the theme I was raised with.

 

[TopShelf]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

 

[spelmanlocks]

This is a very interesting thread. A lot of what I hear does not take into consideration that times have changed. Those saying that a "real" man takes prides in paying for most everything in their marriage are passing judgement on what manhood is like. Just like people love passing judgement on what womanhood is supposed to be.

The idea that men should foot all or most of the bills in a marriage has been used for centuries to support the idea that men should get better jobs then women and get paid more for doing the same, since men have the burden to support families. How is our society supposed to function if we keep demanding work equality for women, but at the end of the day, "real" men have to foot most of the bills in their marriage? As more women are climbing up the career ladder and leveling out the workfield, the men that fit those manly standards for husbands will have to make even more money than they are. Eventually, where are they going to find those men?

I agree with this as well. I read something that said almost 40% of married women are the breadwinner in their household. Women are competing with men for high paying jobs and these days for jobs period. So I believe we are going to see more and more that men will not be able to be able to take on the majority of the bills and really take care of women financially as they did in the past.

 

[Ogoma]

Realistically speaking, I think there are lot of black couples similar to the OP. more than are willing to admit.

I think he's nickel and diming her but I wouldnt necessarily group my "ways" or personality as being common amongst women. I dont like paying bills, I think other people should pay them.

I will admit I don't like paying bills either. I like to pretend my life is spontaneous and organic to the extent possible and monthly bill paying ruins that. But I am good with investing and savings, and financial planning. I am willing to take the time to research that project/fund/company and do the investing.

I think a lot more people can live on one income than they are willing to admit. I have seen couples that live well single, but once they marry require both incomes to survive. They looked at the combined income as some windfall instead of being prudent.

 

[SuchaLady]

I just find it interesting that every time these threads come around suddenly no one on LHCF pays any bills. I guess the other 60% are members here.

I agree with this as well. I read something that said almost 40% of married women are the breadwinner in their household. Women are competing with men for high paying jobs and these days for jobs period. So I believe we are going to see more and more that men will not be able to be able to take on the majority of the bills and really take care of women financially as they did in the past.

 

[Ogoma]

I'm just saying, it's 2013. I know you all feel like it's best to live off one income but this is not the 1950s. After WWII, the American economy changed as the two income household became the norm. The US economy isn't meant to support a single income, outside of those high earners in the top 5%. When you're talking about the black population, that number becomes more like 1%.

I just don't see how he's nickel and diming her? You guys are so extreme.

Just googled the average income for the top 5%. Is this per person or per household? I find it a little hard to believe the top 5% income is just $150k. I am curious how they got to these numbers.

 

[natura87]

I think some women view men as rescuers. Men are going to come into their lives and take care of them financially and all will be well.

If it works for them, more power to them.

Me personally, I like to know that I can take care of myself very well with or without a man, that I can stand on my own two feet. Men coming into my life add to what I already have.

This is what I beleive. I have nothing against those that would prefer the latter, it just isnt my cup of tea. No biggie.

 

[barbiesocialite]

double post....

 

[barbiesocialite]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

I've technically lived alone since college.

However, I don't pay the bills. My parents do. I also dont like staying there because I hate living alone (not for financial reasons). When I stayed at my place often, I was always in a relationship and had been engaged a couple times too. I dont like discomfort influencing my relationship decisions so now its not problem. Thinking of getting rid of my place all together and living full time with my mom. Dont think she likes that idea tho, seeing as I moved myself back in her house. My life is kinda like a black less-rich version of that silly show "Princesses of Long Island."

As a rule, I dont believe single women should live alone or on their own for too long. IMO, single women should be protected. Also, I firmly believe the excessive independence caused my long-periods of living alone can cause damage to relationships (including subconscious behavior that may possibly end up being emasculating to males).

 

[Ogoma]

I just find it interesting that every time these threads come around suddenly no one on LHCF pays any bills. I guess the other 60% are members here.

There seems more of you willingly to cut the cost of cheese in half in this thread than not so not understanding your point.

 

[Mortons]

I think a lot more people can live on one income than they are willing to admit. I have seen couples that live well single, but once they marry require both incomes to survive.

Yes, yes, yes. My parents lived on one income whether my father was a new Sgt. in the military to now. They saved my moms income (what she didn't spend on her closet ).
People can live on one income, they would just prefer to believe they cant and "have to have" certain items and absolutely must spend both incomes to do so.

 

[Mortons]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

Live alone and take care of myself 100%.

 

[yardyspice]

Y'all are funny.

There's an undercurrent in this thread which is interesting......

 

[SuchaLady]

There seems more of you willingly to cut the cost of cheese in half in this thread than not so not understanding your point.

This isn't my first time reading one of these threads. And they always end in why should I pay any bills if he can pay all of them with the occasional lets pool our money together posts. Idc much anyway, I'm not marrying anyone here

 

[barbiesocialite]

Y'all are funny.

There's an undercurrent in this thread which is interesting......

yardyspice care to elaborate further?

 

[SophieDulce]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)



Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

Lived on my own since 17 , had my apartment, car , supported myself through school. With no financial assistance from my parents.

My personal belief is that a man should pay majority of the expenses and any contributing on my part should be at my discretion not obligated to. That's the only kind of man I would marry and I did.

I also agree that everyone has to do what works for them, what i expect in a relationship may not work for someone else.

 

[TopShelf]

Y'all are funny.

There's an undercurrent in this thread which is interesting......

there always is

 

[yardyspice]

People can live on one income, they would just prefer to believe they cant and "have to have" certain items and absolutely must spend both incomes to do so.

Not only that people put those above their babies......

 

[Southernbella.]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

I lived on my own for a few years before I got married.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[SincerelyJane]

Just googled the average income for the top 5%. Is this per person or per household? I find it a little hard to believe the top 5% income is just $150k. I am curious how they got to these numbers.

This is exactly what I mean. People on this forum love to brag about how out of touch they are, as if its something to be proud of. Being conscious and aware of life outside your bubble is not a bad thing.

 

[Priss Pot]

I don't know.

I'm fairly debt-free but I know that the way I was raised that whenever I have a financial dilemma the solution posed by family members and friends for me to fix it (even now) is: GET MARRIED. (usually get a man or new one actually) And all of the women that tell me this ARE married. Naturally, this influences my standards and expectations. My SOs have a habit of getting multiple jobs during our relationship or going back to school without me having to ask or inquire.

"Pay to play" as calliope said is the theme I was raised with.

I'm about to put myself out there, but I'm looking at this as a lesson that needed to be learned by me. Back in undergrad, I was wreckless with money and credit card. DH, who was only my bf at the time, bailed me out constantly and was always covering my expenses. I knew I needed to change, and I knew it was financially stressing him too. I remember the year the IRS gave stimulus checks, he had to give his whole check to me :-/ He'd also get his paycheck and couldn't even spend the way he wanted because he knew a portion of it would automatically go to me for my screw-ups. Overtime, it got old. He never threatened to not help me again, but I grew up and saw for myself that I need to be financially responsible. My parents and DH have always been there financially, but feeling as if I should bear no responsibility for my finances is very flawed. That is not how I'd want to enter a marriage. We expect men to take care of us and our financial woes, but we tend not to take into consideration the stress we might be putting them through. We think some head and a good meal will make it go away. I'd want for my husband to feel appreciated and know that I won't make any stupid financial decisions just because I know he'll bail me out.

Some of the women here feel that because they have vaginas, they are entitled to screw-ups and dare the husband have any stress about it...because you know, he's supposed to be happy to take on the financial burdens that you should have control over.

 

[CarLiTa]

Very interesting and entertaining thread.

The lady in the OP is getting a pretty decent deal: more savings, higher cost of living potential, than if she were single.

2 ways she's getting done over:
1. Her man's thinking... the fact that he said that he has more hobbies than her...erplexed
2. If, when she were single, she used to have more than $400 to look like a genie in the bottle every time she saw him, and that's how he got her, then this measly amount is problematic. Men's upkeep expenses are far cheaper. All he needs is a haircut, regular gym membership, 2-in-1 shampoo/condish, and if he's white, not even body lotion

SHE, on the other hand, needs bikini waxing money, eyebrow money, hair products + styling money, products for sensitive skin, lingerie, you know, all the things that makes her appear to be some muse and fairy, plus the special women-only gym membership (that ish is always so much more). How can she keep up the image with such little discretionary income?

I would be turned off with having to discuss to the detail numbers about my income. I would much, much rather he make some quick calculation in his head and throw out a number, and we go from there While this sharing isnt' particularly outrageous, just the thing of sitting down with pen, paper and a calculator over this is cringe-worthy

I certainly hope he's paying for outings and vacations. If he's not, then the deal suuuuckkks. I guess with that said, I WOULD prefer a joint account. Getting into the details feels like a recipe for disaster.