Paying Bills And Marriage

[natura87]

I'm about to put myself out there, but I'm looking at this as a lesson that needed to be learned by me. Back in undergrad, I was wreckless with money and credit card. DH, who was only my bf at the time, bailed me out constantly and was always covering my expenses. I knew I needed to change, and I knew it was financially stressing him too. I remember the year the IRS gave stimulus checks, he had to give his whole check to me :-/ He'd also get his paycheck and couldn't even spend the way he wanted because he knew a portion of it would automatically go to me for my screw-ups. Overtime, it got old. He never threatened to not help me again, but I grew up and saw for myself that I need to be financially responsible. My parents and DH have always been there financially, but feeling as if I should bear no responsibility for my finances is very flawed. That is not how I'd want to enter a marriage. We expect men to take care of us and our financial woes, but we tend not to take into consideration the stress we might be putting them through. We think some head and a good meal will make it go away. I'd want for my husband to feel appreciated and know that I won't make any stupid financial decisions just because I know he'll bail me out.

Some of the women here feel that because they have vaginas, they are entitled to screw-ups and dare the husband have any stress about it...because you know, he's supposed to be happy to take on the financial burdens that you should have control over.

THANK YOU!!!!

 

[Ogoma]

This is exactly what I mean. People on this forum love to brag about how out of touch they are, as if its something to be proud of. Being conscious and aware of life outside your bubble is not a bad thing.

I am not out of touch. I just don't understand this number. Average household income in Canada is almost $80,000 and this includes the more expensive cities/provinces and the dirt cheap ones. American incomes are usually higher so how can the 5% be $150k? Something is off. Unless the gap is narrow.

 

[SandCastles]

Right? My dh is the head of the house and I give him that respect and even "ask" permission to go places, buy things etc.I know he will always say yes and he seems surprised every time I do it, but I like to. That being said I could not be with a man who wouldn't want me to have equal to or really more than him in the spending money department. That is just so petty and small. I don't treat him like a king to be some dang court jester-i am not here for his amusement. You gotta pay to play.

I'm glad you're happy with your arrangement. I couldn't imagine having to ask DH's permission for purchases. In fact, I couldn't imagine asking permission for anything. That's just not our dynamic. We are more like partners who work together to find solutions. I would not be happy at all. That's why everyone has to do what works best for their own family.

 

[CarLiTa]

Man, I would be so salty if I wanted to get laser hair removal for my bikini line and had to save for it for 3+ months because of this deal. No way! I can see how this conversation would go: "I'm doing this for us, you jerk!"

 

[CarLiTa]

I am not out of touch. I just don't understand this number. Average household income in Canada is almost $80,000 and this includes the more expensive cities/provinces and the dirt cheap ones. American incomes are usually higher so how can the 5% be $150k? Something is off. Unless the gap is narrow.

Average US income is in the 40s...

 

[SophieDulce]

Man, I would be so salty if I wanted to get laser hair removal for my bikini line and had to save for it for 3+ months because of this deal. No way! I can see how this conversation would go: "I'm doing this for us, you jerk!"

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TopShelf]

I'm about to put myself out there, but I'm looking at this as a lesson that needed to be learned by me. Back in undergrad, I was wreckless with money and credit card. DH, who was only my bf at the time, bailed me out constantly and was always covering my expenses. I knew I needed to change, and I knew it was financially stressing him too. I remember the year the IRS gave stimulus checks, he had to give his whole check to me :-/ He'd also get his paycheck and couldn't even spend the way he wanted because he knew a portion of it would automatically go to me for my screw-ups. Overtime, it got old. He never threatened to not help me again, but I grew up and saw for myself that I need to be financially responsible. My parents and DH have always been there financially, but feeling as if I should bear no responsibility for my finances is very flawed. That is not how I'd want to enter a marriage. We expect men to take care of us and our financial woes, but we tend not to take into consideration the stress we might be putting them through. We think some head and a good meal will make it go away. I'd want for my husband to feel appreciated and know that I won't make any stupid financial decisions just because I know he'll bail me out.

Some of the women here feel that because they have vaginas, they are entitled to screw-ups and dare the husband have any stress about it...because you know, he's supposed to be happy to take on the financial burdens that you should have control over.

I died!!!!!!

 

[Mortons]

erplexed A person making significantly less than 100k can shoulder a decent lifestyle for two individuals, even in a city center. You wont be driving a Bentley or living on Park Row, but that is not the marker of a nice lifestyle. There are plenty of people making 30k who have retirement savings, travel twice a year, plus have a fabulous nightlife.

 

[IcedChai]

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

1. Lived on my own until DH and I moved into together (didn't combine our finances until we got married)

I haven't read the entire thread to see what the consensus is, but here's how it works in my household:

DH and I have a joint account with direct deposit for both of our paychecks. That money is used for the mortgage, bills, entertainment, groceries/toiletries, savings etc. We each get an equal "allowance" every month that we can spend as we please.

DH currently has a higher salary than me. Two years ago, I had a nice bonus so I earned more than he did. I'm up for promotion soon, so I might end up making more period.

It works well for us. No resentment or hard feelings. It's our money.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Thats wonderful and I'm really happy for you.

Every time a thread like this comes up there are like 1 or 2 people who feel the need to let everyone know they are different from the norm, that they are not like regular black folk. Like we haven't heard you say variation of this in like 50-11 other threads. You're not the only one who does this. To be fair, I used to do this too, until I realized how tacky I was being.

Well I had a point..I feel like black women should aim high and be strategic about it..I'm not working with a brotha at the expense of my livelihood..not at 29.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I am not out of touch. I just don't understand this number. Average household income in Canada is almost $80,000 and this includes the more expensive cities/provinces and the dirt cheap ones. American incomes are usually higher so how can the 5% be $150k? Something is off. Unless the gap is narrow.

More than likely the wealth distribution in Canada is more equitable than in the US. If you were to plot US household incomes I'm sure the US would be skewed to the right, while Canada would have more of a normal distribution.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I'm about to put myself out there, but I'm looking at this as a lesson that needed to be learned by me. Back in undergrad, I was wreckless with money and credit card. DH, who was only my bf at the time, bailed me out constantly and was always covering my expenses. I knew I needed to change, and I knew it was financially stressing him too. I remember the year the IRS gave stimulus checks, he had to give his whole check to me :-/ He'd also get his paycheck and couldn't even spend the way he wanted because he knew a portion of it would automatically go to me for my screw-ups. Overtime, it got old. He never threatened to not help me again, but I grew up and saw for myself that I need to be financially responsible. My parents and DH have always been there financially, but feeling as if I should bear no responsibility for my finances is very flawed. That is not how I'd want to enter a marriage. We expect men to take care of us and our financial woes, but we tend not to take into consideration the stress we might be putting them through. We think some head and a good meal will make it go away. I'd want for my husband to feel appreciated and know that I won't make any stupid financial decisions just because I know he'll bail me out.

Some of the women here feel that because they have vaginas, they are entitled to screw-ups and dare the husband have any stress about it...because you know, he's supposed to be happy to take on the financial burdens that you should have control over.

I understand exactly what you're saying and I agree.

However, Im VERY fiscally responsible (hence why I have no debt beyond a couple hundred of dollars in CC) and dont believe in living lavishly beyond one's means.

Also to put myself out there, I'll use my experience with pseudo who I was in a full-fledged relationship with about a year and a half ago. When I crashed my car and he found out I was driving a rental, he offered to buy me a new one. When I was looking into grad school in Texas, he offered to pay my tuition and fly be back and forth on weekends to visit home. Clearly, I find this behavior inappropriate since he isnt my husband (which is why we broke up), however, the point is he felt as if I deserved the best he had to offer and could give. It was my choice to take him up on his assistance and his choice to offer it in the first place (had I accepted, thus his stress he volunteered for). I care about how my actions affect other people which why I'm not known in my personal life for ridiculous expectations, but I cannot live for them and their decisions. If some things are too much everyone needs to learn to say 'NO.' At the same time, it's impotant to note that it is important that a man is generous enough and invested enough to have consideration to incorporate his woman into his financial plans. A man that isnt/doesnt like the OP guy is a diff breed entirely and I dont see how a woman could marry such a man.

 

[Southernbella.]

More than likely the wealth distribution in Canada is more equitable than in the US. If you were to plot US household incomes I'm sure the US would be skewed to the right, while Canada would have more of a normal distribution.

This is true. The top 1% of US incomes skew the results which us why the median income is a more reliable measure for us than the average.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[FemmeFatale]

TopShelf I live solo and support myself 100%, I'm also well liked and get gifts and hookups.

Prior to that I was heavily spoiled by my parents I never wanted for anything.

 

[Holla]

Not just equal pay for equal work, but access to more work opportunities as well. If men are supposed to foot most of the bills when they marry, how are they going to do that if they don't get preferential status in the workplace? On an individual basis, yes it can be done, but on a societal level, this is not possible.

This assumes that the men are marrying their equals. A woman secretary or nurse could make as much as men in her field but if she is married to a lawyer or doctor, then presumably her husband will always make more than she does without the husband needing preferential status.

Nobody should take advice from anyone at this point

But everyone should try as much as possible to live on one income or mostly one income. Don't scale up your life because there are now two incomes. Too many people fall into this trap.

This cracked me up.....you are telling folks not to take advice and giving them advice at the same time.

SincerelyJane and SuchaLady - I like your posts in this thread. There is the "unicorn" element on this site and it comes through more often than not in these type of threads.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Well I had a point..I feel like black women should aim high and be strategic about it..I'm not working with a brotha at the expense of my livelihood..not at 29.

No one is asking you to. I don't think the man in the OP was asking his gf to do that either. Everything doesn't always have to be so extreme.

 

[FemmeFatale]

No one is asking you to. I don't think the man in the OP was asking his gf to do that either. Everything doesn't always have to be so extreme.

Honestly I think this is one of those things where one just has to be very discerning to get

 

[CarLiTa]

Didn't the girl in the OP aim high?? Her SO makes 2x what she makes

 

[CarLiTa]

This is one of LHCF's supreme favorite topics, and I enjoy reading the responses thoroughly

 

[FemmeFatale]

Didn't the girl in the OP aim high?? Her SO makes 2x what she makes

Yeah but he isn't the generous type, lol.

 

[DragonPearl]

This assumes that the men are marrying their equals. A woman secretary or nurse could make as much as men in her field but if she is married to a lawyer or doctor, then presumably her husband will always make more than she does.

How many secretaries or nurses will be married to lawyers and doctors? Realistically, how many?

And what about the female lawyers and doctors, if their male counterparts are expected to go for "unequal" women, where are these women supposed to find their marriage partners?

And last question, if a woman doctor or lawyer does find a male lawyer or doctor to marry, will she expect him to pay most of the bills while she is hardly required to contribute? After all, that's what a "real" man is supposed to do...

The idea that a man has to pay most of the bills in a marriage is not a feasible occurrence in today's world. It's nice when they can do it, but it's not always possible.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Honestly I think this is one of those things where one just has to be very discerning to get

Haha not really. But if you're not self-aware enough to see how your comments can come across as obnoxious and tactless, then I don't know what to tell you.

But by all means, educate me. Tell me how your bragging on the internet about your rich boyfriend and your gifts and all those fancy things could brings value to my life. I'm listening.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

TopShelf

I moved out at 18 and have not lived with my parents again. I moved to NYC for grad school and lived on my own for many years before getting married.

I would really like to know

1. how many women in this thread have ever lived alone and cared for themselves (not including college)

Or

2. went straight from their parent's house to living with a man

or

3. still live with their parents.

those answers would answer a lot of ?????? for me

 

[yardyspice]

This assumes that the men are marrying their equals. A woman secretary or nurse could make as much as men in her field but if she is married to a lawyer or doctor, then presumably her husband will always make more than she does without the husband needing preferential status.



This cracked me up.....you are telling folks not to take advice and giving them advice at the same time.

SincerelyJane and SuchaLady - I like your posts in this thread. There is the "unicorn" element on this site and it comes through more often than not in these type of threads.

barbiesocialite This is the undercurrent that I was talking about.

There's nothing unicorn like in expecting a marriage to be a family union vs a roommate or equity partnership. My concern is that women either are distrustful of the relationship and so can't go all in or they don't believe their MEN should be willing to take care of the family.

 

[calliope]

A woman should always have her own money on the side.

Shyt happens.

TRUTH!!!

I think some women view men as rescuers. Men are going to come into their lives and take care of them financially and all will be well.

If it works for them, more power to them.

Me personally, I like to know that I can take care of myself very well with or without a man, that I can stand on my own two feet. Men coming into my life add to what I already have.

That is the fine line you have to walk as a woman. I harp ALL day long on this board about marrying well, but being wary of certain rich men, and making sure that if you need to you can peace out on him with more than a black eye and bus pass in your pocket. Have your own and have his in the process. If you're bad enough, you can make it happen.

I'm glad you're happy with your arrangement. I couldn't imagine having to ask DH's permission for purchases. In fact, I couldn't imagine asking permission for anything. That's just not our dynamic. We are more like partners who work together to find solutions. I would not be happy at all. That's why everyone has to do what works best for their own family.

I don't have to ask- I like to. Even after 10 years of marriage, he looks at me like I'm crazy if I ask him if I can do something/go somewhere etc. He even says, why are you asking me, just do it But that is how I choose to show respect for him along with getting him something to drink if I see him working outside, whatever. We are not 50/50 partners and it used to drive me crazy in the early days of marriage until I learned to use it to my advantage.

It is NOT for everyone and I am by NO means a doormat. I learned this from my mother who has been married for over 35 years and is a Battle-Ax if you've ever met one. Trust me, if I want something, I get it and he always seems to think it was his idea- that's just how I choose to roll.

If I've learned anything from this board in my house there is is Peace,Piece, and Piece, thank you old head MissScarlett and it works for me.

 

[yardyspice]

TopShelf

I moved out at 18 and have not lived with my parents again. I moved to NYC for grad school and lived on my own for many years before getting married.

I moved out at about 18 and never went back.

 

[SincerelyJane]

How many secretaries or nurses will be married to lawyers and doctors? Realistically, how many?

And what about the female lawyers and doctors, if their male counterparts are expected to go for "unequal" women, where are these women supposed to find their marriage partners?

And last question, if a woman doctor or lawyer does find a male lawyer or doctor to marry, will she expect him to pay most of the bills while she is hardly required to contribute? After all, that's what a "real" man is supposed to do...

The idea that a man has to pay most of the bills in a marriage is not a feasible occurrence in today's world. It's nice when they can do it, but it's not always possible.

It's ridiculous sometimes. I remember reading a post somewhere saying black lawyers and doctors are a dime a dozen. I don't know the stats for layers but 4% of US physicians are black. FOUR.

But the reason why black women can't find wealthy partners is because they don't aim high and are not "discerning" enough. Please.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Haha not really. But if you're not self-aware enough to see how your comments can come across as obnoxious and tactless, then I don't know what to tell you.

But by all means, educate me. Tell me how your bragging on the internet about your rich boyfriend and your gifts and all those fancy things could brings value to my life. I'm listening.

Umm ok. You got it, I'm done.

 

[yardyspice]

Didn't the girl in the OP aim high?? Her SO makes 2x what she makes

She might as well marry a real man who makes less.

I have seen these marriages years down the road so I think I know how it's gonna go.

 

[barbiesocialite]

barbiesocialite This is the undercurrent that I was talking about.

There's nothing unicorn like in expecting a marriage to be a family union vs a roommate or equity partnership. My concern is that women either are distrustful of the relationship and so can't go all in or they don't believe their MEN should be willing to take care of the family.

ahh I understand.

I def see some responses as having a foundation of trust issues, with an undercurrent of fear of abandonment. This may or may not be the case, but there seems to some suspicion, cynicism or hopelessness about men's ability and desire to take care of the women in their life. I'm not really sure what to say about that......