Paying Bills And Marriage
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thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
My brother is making his fiance pay off a certain portion of her personal debt before he will marry her.
They delayed the wedding by a year so that she can fix her credit and get her debt under control.
He wants them to buy a house together right after they marry, but he wants her to be fiscally responsible first .
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
This is how I was raised to belief about men, marriage and bills.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
i don't think that's fair.
I have little interest in fairness, and more investment in what makes me happiest and ALSO what is most practical. My relationship isnt based on fairness, it's on compatibility and values.
In general, if anyone (personal or professional) is expecting fairness as their standard for interactions with me they will be sorely disappointed.
besides, it's impossible to be fair all the time anyway.....
Men and women have different roles in a relationship. I expect men to protect and provide. If he is counting my money and expecting me to pay x percentage of the bills so that he can have more play money then he is not the right type of man for me and I am not the woman for him. He needs to find someone who will put up with being treated like a roommate with benefits. I'm not the one, my standards are high.
As far as "fair" goes. There are a lot of things in marriage that will not be fair. People need to make arrangements that they can live with and understand that who is getting the better deal will change repeatedly throughout the life of a marriage. The woman in the OP doesn't like the arrangement that her SO proposed. She should suggest something better and if they can't reach an agreement that makes them both happy, move on. I wouldn't marry a man who insisted on this particular arrangement.
As far as "fair" goes. There are a lot of things in marriage that will not be fair. People need to make arrangements that they can live with and understand that who is getting the better deal will change repeatedly throughout the life of a marriage. The woman in the OP doesn't like the arrangement that her SO proposed. She should suggest something better and if they can't reach an agreement that makes them both happy, move on. I wouldn't marry a man who insisted on this particular arrangement.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
babymamas only.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
Y'all would think this was your budget
Chile no, the minute percentages and whatnot come out its game over. All things being "equal" a woman will always give up more than her husband especially if they have children. If this man is nickel and diming her now then his mentality is already wrong.
He will be the type to think that she should be contributing her "part" financially and should she decide to have his children he would probably be content with her working, cooking, cleaning, having. 99% of the child care duties and because he makes more he will use that as his justification in every argument.
It's not that she contributes that bothers me but his budgeting and drawing pie charts to keep track is off putting and paints him in a bad light. He doesn't have a provider mentality but a hoarder.
natura87
Well-Known Member
wow.
most husbands/FHs have the integrity to pay off their wife's debt.
Why?
If she is racking up debt why should he foot the bill, thats only telling her that she can do whatever she wants and buy whatever she wants and someone else will foot the bill. That is irresponsible.
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
And she's still with him?!
Sallie Mae is factored as a monthly household expense. DH pays it and keeps it moving. He got a little windfall back in May and called to pay off some of the principal. Imagine my surprise when I went to pay my little extra to them and saw the balance.
Same for capital one, he saw my debt as a part if the package and kept if moving.
Threads like this really make me appreciate the man I married and I hope to raise Squishy the same. None of this counting my wife's money business. Man up and keep it moving
I have never understood this. Wouldn't living under the same roof, sharing costs, being on his insurance, etc help her pay off the debt faster than remaining unmarried, living apart, receiving none of the marital benefits?
erplexedIf he felt she was irresponsible then surely he would find another woman. This is likely about freeing up her income so that he can have the kind of house of his choosing...that he cannot afford with his own income. To remain respectful I will stop there.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Because that's what men do: take care of their women (wives/mothers/daughters).
clearly she racked up a bunch of debt by herself. She did this on her own accord. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to see she's bad with money. She's going to do it again too. Her DH should want to assist and protect her. If her DH isnt wiling or doesnt feel it's his place to help maneuver, buffer or fix the situation to help her it says a lot about him as a man
natura87
Well-Known Member
IMHO the expenses should be split down the middle. I know its not PC on this board of bougie unicorns but this is what I prefer and expect. Put all the expenses on the table, split it in half and what you have left over is your spending money and savings. If I want more spending money I will find a way to make more $$ and the same for him. If he is making more he has earned it, and can give some to me if he chooses. I have not earned his money so I don't have ~dibs~ on it. Do I expect him to treat me, of course but I don't have any right or say to what he does with his spending money, just as he cant tell me what to do with mine. And I say this pre children. I just don't get the ~what's his is mine~ mentality, that just seems immature. If you didnt earn it its not yours.
When marriage and kids come into the equation things change obviously and as much as the partners want them to, but I would never feel "entitled" to his money as a GF/SO just becuase we are together.
When marriage and kids come into the equation things change obviously and as much as the partners want them to, but I would never feel "entitled" to his money as a GF/SO just becuase we are together.
natura87
Well-Known Member
Assist, not pay it in full. Help her, not coddle her. There is a big difference. Paying it off for her will only allow her to do it again. If anything she needs counseling to figure out why she is spending so much and recklessly.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I already know your POV. explains a lot. Def isnt mine tho.
spelmanlocks
Well-Known Member
Personally I would hesitate to marry someone with a lot of debt. I would tell any man to hesitate as well. Depending on the type of debt some of that stuff can follow you to the grave and these days companies are refusing to hire people with sketchy credit.
As for the OP, I agree with the boyfriend. Plus he needs more extra money because men are expected to pay for all the dates and most of the romance.
As for the OP, I agree with the boyfriend. Plus he needs more extra money because men are expected to pay for all the dates and most of the romance.
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
I have never understood this. Wouldn't living under the same roof, sharing costs, being on his insurance, etc help her pay off the debt faster than remaining unmarried, living apart, receiving none of the marital benefits?
They are living together already. He already pays the rent and all living expenses.
I was a little taken back at first when they both told me this, but see why now. I like the girl, but she is a little financially irresponsible and has taken out loans for her family, and did stupid things with her money when she was younger. She can't say "no" to family and her credit has suffered because of it.
He is not talking about student loans, or making her pay off all the debt just, just a certain portion of her cc debt from family loans, shopping ,etc..
He wants her cut that debt in half, by herself
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
IMO, money issues are the #1 reason for divorce because so many people (foolishly) think their finances will organize themselves... they don't. I'd take breaking up with a SO because of differences in handling money over constantly battling with and ultimately divorcing a husband any day of the week.
natura87
Well-Known Member
perplexedThey are living together already. He already pays the rent and all living expenses.
I was a little taken back at first when they both told me this, but see why now. I like the girl, but she is a little financially irresponsible and has taken out loans for her family, and did stupid things with her money when she was younger. She can't say "no" to family and her credit has suffered because of it.
He is not talking about student loans, or making her pay off all the debt just, just a certain portion of her cc debt from family loans, shopping ,etc..
He wants her cut that debt in half, by herself
If he is footing all the bills that sounds like a plan. Matter a fact, he better hope that she sticks with him after that debt is paid and she has lived rent free
j/k
Priss Pot
Makeup + Bench Pressing
OT: What's with the sudden distaste for the word "fair?" So there's a new definition, now?
To ME, fair is knowing that should DH and I ever split, we aren't gonna have a D. Wade type situation where he's trying to ruin my image and take my kids from me. Taking the kids' feelings into consideration is fair. That's what I'd attribute to being fair and a main attribute I'd look for in a man in general. Or he isn't gonna get mad and post intimate pics to some website for revenge. That is fair. Y'all talking about "I don't want a fair man," or "everything in a marriage won't be fair" so casually as if he were to decide not to be fair in a situation that would put you at a disadvantage, then that'd be ok. You know you wouldn't accept that.
To ME, fair is knowing that should DH and I ever split, we aren't gonna have a D. Wade type situation where he's trying to ruin my image and take my kids from me. Taking the kids' feelings into consideration is fair. That's what I'd attribute to being fair and a main attribute I'd look for in a man in general. Or he isn't gonna get mad and post intimate pics to some website for revenge. That is fair. Y'all talking about "I don't want a fair man," or "everything in a marriage won't be fair" so casually as if he were to decide not to be fair in a situation that would put you at a disadvantage, then that'd be ok. You know you wouldn't accept that.
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
If he is footing all the bills that sounds like a plan. Matter a fact, he better hope that she sticks with him after that debt is paid and she has lived rent free
Yeah, it doesn't sound romantic and I gave her the side eye at first, but i guess it works for them.
I was thinking moreso that fairness happens due to LIFE circumstances, not because people dont want their significant other to have the best. Its not fair that a womans career is usually a LOT more stalled than a mans after kids. Its not fair that she is taken as a less serious contender in the workplace. Its not fair that a lot of the homemaking falls on her even when she works. Its not fair that the default is to call the wife when someone is sick, ailing, needs personal care or errands. Its not fair that people expect the husband to have hobbies such as golf, high price tickets to sports games, drinks with the friends or men from work, but dont expect the wife to have high priced hobbies of this nature (that was even shown in the OP).
I was just thinking that a lot of things are unnaturally fair. So fairness in the regards that some things will fall more upon the shoulders of one person moreso than the other was what I was thinking of...not some situation where people just act dumb to be dumb.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
He knows this and still sees her as the one he wants to spend (literally) his life with? Has she changed at all with regard to her financial decisions?
Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF
A husband that spoils them like their daddy did. He set the standard and a potential DH can do no less. Girl you aren't new here
Do y'all want a husband or a daddy?This thread is getting weird.
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
Thats actually how he thinks too.
He will take care of her, but her needs her stop loaning money to her family and being taken advantage of
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BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
A husband that spoils them like their daddy did. He set the standard and a potential DH can do no less. Girl you aren't new here
You right. I'm acting brand new.Similar threads
