Paying Bills And Marriage

[DragonPearl]

This is a very interesting thread. A lot of what I hear does not take into consideration that times have changed. Those saying that a "real" man takes prides in paying for most everything in their marriage are passing judgement on what manhood is like. Just like people love passing judgement on what womanhood is supposed to be.

The idea that men should foot all or most of the bills in a marriage has been used for centuries to support the idea that men should get better jobs then women and get paid more for doing the same, since men have the burden to support families. How is our society supposed to function if we keep demanding work equality for women, but at the end of the day, "real" men have to foot most of the bills in their marriage? As more women are climbing up the career ladder and leveling out the workfield, the men that fit those manly standards for husbands will have to make even more money than they are. Eventually, where are they going to find those men?

 

[thatscuteright]

He knows this and still sees her as the one he wants to spend (literally) his life with? Has she changed at all with regard to her financial decisions?

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Yep
She is a financially brand new person. She did all these things before they moved in and got serious.

 

[Southernbella.]

Yep
She is a financially brand new person. She did all these things before they moved in and got serious.

Oh that's good. People can definitely change. I asked because I have a friend in a similar situation. Her dh reeled her in. She doesn't shop like she used to, she's still driving her ten year old paid off car, and she saves more. She still has very expensive tastes but she's so much better with her money now and I know it's his influence. They split bills and she has never liked it but they just bought a new house and it's mostly because of his saving and diligence so she's not complaining.

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[menina]

Personally I would hesitate to marry someone with a lot of debt. I would tell any man to hesitate as well. Depending on the type of debt some of that stuff can follow you to the grave and these days companies are refusing to hire people with sketchy credit.

Yea when it comes to debt, it depends on what and how much. My parents married with their own debts, but agreed to pay off their student loans themselves separately.

My parents are one income I think by default that my dad has always made more than my mom. She keeps her little bit of money because he has more leftover than her.

 

[MD_Lady]

This is a very interesting thread. A lot of what I hear does not take into consideration that times have changed. Those saying that a "real" man takes prides in paying for most everything in their marriage are passing judgement on what manhood is like. Just like people love passing judgement on what womanhood is supposed to be...

I think you make excellent points in your post, but I don't think people aren't considering that times have changed as much as they are expressing a preference not to embrace all of those changes. Even though I always knew that straddling the line between modern and traditional would never work for me, I also know that some women just see it as another series of trade offs that they have to work through balancing with their DH.

 

[Ogoma]

Not sure what all the arguing is about. Everyone should do what works for them, but don't expect everyone else to like it.

My only advice is try as much as possible to live on one income. Just given the dynamics of the labour market now and in the future, it is not just prudent but necessary. Plus, it gives the both of you so much freedom to structure your family life and/or career in a way that works best for you.

 

[Dreamer48]

What does equal pay for equal work have to do with paying bills within a marriage?

I'm starting to think that some people view the financial aspects of marriage as a true business partnership. Maybe that's why some believe that certain financial arrangements are unfair. They're taking a business approach to the situation. I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's a different perspective from what I'm used to.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Not sure what all the arguing is about. Everyone should do what works for them, but don't expect everyone else to like it.

My only advice is try as much as possible to live on one income. Just given the dynamics of the labour market now and in the future, it is not just prudent but necessary. Plus, it gives the both of you so much freedom to structure your family life and/or career in a way that works best for you.

I think that concept eludes so many people here, people are still not thinking about marriage as one unit, there's still a "every man for himself" mentality.

 

[DragonPearl]

What does equal pay for equal work have to do with paying bills within a marriage?

I'm starting to think that some people view the financial aspects of marriage as a true business partnership. Maybe that's why some believe that certain financial arrangements are unfair. They're taking a business approach to the situation. I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's a different perspective from what I'm used to.

Not just equal pay for equal work, but access to more work opportunities as well. If men are supposed to foot most of the bills when they marry, how are they going to do that if they don't get preferential status in the workplace? On an individual basis, yes it can be done, but on a societal level, this is not possible.

 

[SuchaLady]

I will admit hen I first read the details of the post my brain went to calculating and I analyzed some numbers. I have a business degree though

What does equal pay for equal work have to do with paying bills within a marriage?

I'm starting to think that some people view the financial aspects of marriage as a true business partnership. Maybe that's why some believe that certain financial arrangements are unfair. They're taking a business approach to the situation. I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's a different perspective from what I'm used to.

 

[zora]

I think that concept eludes so many people here, people are still not thinking about marriage as one unit, there's still a "every man for himself" mentality.

I think both can exist in a marriage. Where I'm from, most women have been told to keep a separate account for themselves. That has an 'every man for himself' quality to it, however these same women are VERY devoted to their families.

 

[SandCastles]

Marriage and money are both very personal, and people should do what works for them. Please don't take marriage and household money advice from ladies who have never been married.

 

[DragonPearl]

I think you make excellent points in your post, but I don't think people aren't considering that times have changed as much as they are expressing a preference not to embrace all of those changes. Even though I always knew that straddling the line between modern and traditional would never work for me, I also know that some women just see it as another series of trade offs that they have to work through balancing with their DH.

People can make individual choices to embrace changes or not, but I would like to see more respect of other people's choices. We are adults and what works for one person might not work for another. That's true in the work area, in the sexual area, in the friendship and the marriage areas.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I think that concept eludes so many people here, people are still not thinking about marriage as one unit, there's still a "every man for himself" mentality.

I disagree. I still see this financial plan as one unit. They're making a life together, discussing this together, working it out together. If her salary was equal or if this was her idea, there wouldn't be all this pearl clutching.

 

[DragonPearl]

I think both can exist in a marriage. Where I'm from, most women have been told to keep a separate account for themselves. That has an 'every man for himself' quality to it, however these same women are VERY devoted to their families.

A woman should always have her own money on the side.

Shyt happens.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Marriage and money are both very personal, and people should do what works for them. Please don't take marriage and household money advice from ladies who have never been married.

I don't think people should take financial advice from anyone outside of their spouse, parents, personal attorney and their accountant/financial planner. Listening to some single women will keep you single and listening to some married women will have you divorced like a good percentage of married women.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I disagree. I still see this financial plan as one unit. They're making a life together, discussing this together, working it out together. If her salary was equal or if this was her idea, there wouldn't be all this pearl clutching.

I never said that the wife wouldn't be contributing. I would want my salary to go towards our savings and retirement, vacation fund, small bills, activities, my shopping. The mortgage and other bigger bills will be on him, it makes no sense to get a home that would require two incomes to maintain.

 

[Ogoma]

Nobody should take advice from anyone at this point

But everyone should try as much as possible to live on one income or mostly one income. Don't scale up your life because there are now two incomes. Too many people fall into this trap.

 

[Mortons]

I disagree. I still see this financial plan as one unit. They're making a life together, discussing this together, working it out together. If her salary was equal or if this was her idea, there wouldn't be all this pearl clutching.

But it wasnt and that is some of the reasons for the pearl clutching. She makes significantly less than him why is my question as to why he doesn't go ahead and foot most of the bills instead of arranging for her to have $400 left to spend on herself in comparison with his $750.

*I consider savings a bill.

 

[SandCastles]

I don't think people should take financial advice from anyone outside of their spouse, parents, personal attorney and their accountant/financial planner. Listening to some single women will keep you single and listening to some married women will have you divorced like a good percentage of married women.

I think it's perfectly fine to hear from other married or divorced women about what did and didn't work well for them, but you still have to do what works best for your own household. It's a different story to listen to people who have never even experienced it and are going by what they want or hope to have. They're still dreaming.

 

[DragonPearl]

I don't think people should take financial advice from anyone outside of their spouse, parents, personal attorney and their accountant/financial planner. Listening to some single women will keep you single and listening to some married women will have you divorced like a good percentage of married women.

Sometimes, divorce is good.

I know a lot of people who are staying married and feel like they are in a prison.

If marriage is working for the people that are in it, great. If it is not, and it has been so for a long time, it's okay to reconsider. But people should try serious marriage counseling first before giving up.

 

[werenumber2]

Threads like this make me wish we had more active men on this board.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

NOEChic

Great topic! I am intrigued by the comments in this thread.

I have a couple of friends who are married to stay at home dad's. I don't pry into their finances although they do willing share some details (I notarized some mortgage documents). I suspect the SAHD's pay the monthly bills since it's a matter of who has the time.

I don't know how they divide up any discretionary money but they have kids so it probably goes toward their activities and college funds.

I think the idea of "fairness" in splitting bills goes out the window once you're married. What happens if one spouse doesn't have their half (or percentage) of the mortgage? Will the mortgage not get paid that month?

Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40 or even 90/10. But in the end I would hope it balances out.

 

[nlamr2013]

Sometimes, divorce is good.

I know a lot of people who are staying married and feel like they are in a prison.

If marriage is working for the people that are in it, great. If it is not, and it has been so for a long time, it's okay to reconsider. But people should try serious marriage counseling first before giving up.

that's problematic, but I cant articulate exactly why it makes me feel as such.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I think it's perfectly fine to hear from other married or divorced women about what did and didn't work well for them, but you still have to do what works best for your own household. It's a different story to listen to people who have never even experienced it and are going by what they want or hope to have. They're still dreaming.

I agree with this. However, I think it's important to be mindful that not all couples are of the same socioeconomic status and income bracket. What works for some isnt even applicable to all. Married, single, divorced, gay or straight.

Sometimes, divorce is good.

I know a lot of people who are staying married and feel like they are in a prison.

If marriage is working for the people that are in it, great. If it is not, and it has been so for a long time, it's okay to reconsider. But people should try serious marriage counseling first before giving up.

I agree wit the bolded EXCEPT when there are children involved. Most married couples have children so I'm it's more likely to run across those who are divorced with children than without....

 

[werenumber2]

They are living together already. He already pays the rent and all living expenses.
I was a little taken back at first when they both told me this, but see why now. I like the girl, but she is a little financially irresponsible and has taken out loans for her family, and did stupid things with her money when she was younger. She can't say "no" to family and her credit has suffered because of it.
He is not talking about student loans, or making her pay off all the debt just, just a certain portion of her cc debt from family loans, shopping ,etc..
He wants her cut that debt in half, by herself

I would whisper to him to run as fast as he can. As nice as she may be, she sounds like a messy girl in a messy situation.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I'm just saying, it's 2013. I know you all feel like it's best to live off one income but this is not the 1950s. After WWII, the American economy changed as the two income household became the norm. The US economy isn't meant to support a single income, outside of those high earners in the top 5%. When you're talking about the black population, that number becomes more like 1%.

I just don't see how he's nickel and diming her? You guys are so extreme.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I'm just saying, it's 2013. I know you all feel like it's best to live off one income but this is not the 1950s. After WWII, the American economy changed as the two income household became the norm. The US economy isn't meant to support a single income, outside of those high earners in the top 5%. When you're talking about the black population, that number becomes more like 1%.

I just don't see how he's nickel and diming her? You guys are so extreme.

Realistically speaking, I think there are lot of black couples similar to the OP. more than are willing to admit.

I think he's nickel and diming her but I wouldnt necessarily group my "ways" or personality as being common amongst women. I dont like paying bills, I think other people should pay them.

 

[aribell]

Not just equal pay for equal work, but access to more work opportunities as well. If men are supposed to foot most of the bills when they marry, how are they going to do that if they don't get preferential status in the workplace? On an individual basis, yes it can be done, but on a societal level, this is not possible.

This is an interesting point. But, really, the good majority of women care more about marriage and children than they do career. I think you're right that it won't work both ways, but that's exactly it--we have to decide (societally) where our priorities really are. I don't believe in unequal pay, but I also think the consequences of focusing on hardline equality (sameness b/w men and women) seems to degrade family cohesiveness (not just marriage). But that's kind of another discussion entirely.

I don't think people should take financial advice from anyone outside of their spouse, parents, personal attorney and their accountant/financial planner. Listening to some single women will keep you single and listening to some married women will have you divorced like a good percentage of married women.

I just told my sister this last night. You see people seemingly happily married then suddenly divorced, or outwardly happy but then hear what is happening behind the scenes. Witnessing this now. I told her to just do what she already knows is good.

that's problematic, but I cant articulate exactly why it makes me feel as such.

Right. Some people simply view life differently and what they tell you may lead to results that they might be fine with, but which do not figure into the vision of your life.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I'm just saying, it's 2013. I know you all feel like it's best to live off one income but this is not the 1950s. After WWII, the American economy changed as the two income household became the norm. The US economy isn't meant to support a single income, outside of those high earners in the top 5%. When you're talking about the black population, that number becomes more like 1%.

I just don't see how he's nickel and diming her? You guys are so extreme.

I knew the work with a brotha/blk folk can't afford to do so mantra was coming, lol.

There are black men that are doing very well, that's all I date and will marry..