Paying Bills And Marriage

[Ogoma]

^^^ For me, it is not the same thing at all. The other income is a whole layer of extra. Extra savings, extra investment, upgrades from 3-star (because if you let him, we will stay in a motel ) to 5-star hotels or longer trips or more cities on a trip, etc. It adds to our quality of life, but not essential for us to live decently and manage our financial life. If my income is gone, we will still be fine. We both happily benefit from the extra and I am glad about that. I can take care of us financially, but I don't have to.

The miser in the OP has her income as part of the essential income needed to keep the family running and allots her $400 at the end of every month. He then allots himself $750 and declares HIS hobbies are more than hers (god forbid she find new hobbies. She has to remain at the same ones she has now for life ). The same people that have spent the better part of this thread asking people not to assume what has not been written are assuming HIS hobbies (as he describes them) includes her.

This is my last post in this thread. I think I have put myself and my financial life out there enough. As an aside: anyone know an effective natural remedy for insomnia. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and my alarm doesn't go off for 2 more hours. I need to get my sleep under control because I am tired all day.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Silent Night. It s got valerian. you will be down for the count.

 

[ladysaraii]

^^^ For me, it is not the same thing at all. The other income is a whole layer of extra. Extra savings, extra investment, upgrades from 3-star (because if you let him, we will stay in a motel ) to 5-star hotels or longer trips or more cities on a trip, etc. It adds to our quality of life, but not essential for us to live decently and manage our financial life. If my income is gone, we will still be fine. We both happily benefit from the extra and I am glad about that. I can take care of us financially, but I don't have to.

The miser in the OP has her income as part of the essential income needed to keep the family running and allots her $400 at the end of every month. He then allots himself $750 and declares HIS hobbies are more than hers (god forbid she find new hobbies. She has to remain at the same ones she has now for life ). The same people that have spent the better part of this thread asking people not to assume what has not been written are assuming HIS hobbies (as he describes them) includes her.

This is my last post in this thread. I think I have put myself and my financial life out there enough. As an aside: anyone know an effective natural remedy for insomnia. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and my alarm doesn't go off for 2 more hours. I need to get my sleep under control because I am tired all day.

I really enjoyed your posts in the thread. And I agree with you completely about his income vs hers for extras. That is exactly how I hope to structure my household when the time comes.

 

[FemmeCreole]

Not insulting you. Just incredulous that anyone that read this thread could even imply most of the anger was not directed at a few people, one of whom is quite vocally (or whatever the right Internet term is) a SAHM. A SAHM states her requirement is for husbands to provide everything for the family and people get annoyed.

Who is the SAHM?

 

[Priss Pot]

Who is the SAHM?

The SAHM is yardy, I'm assuming. But from my perspective, no one was getting bent out of shape because she's a SAHM? I'm sure a lot of women wouldn't mind being a SAHM if for only while the child is little, and then pick back up with their careers as they see fit. Whoever thinks that the board is pickin on SAHMs in general is reaching.

There were insults spewed from both sides, but no one is hating on anyone for being a SAHM. That SAHM just needs not spew her disgust for the next couple who pools their money together to make a living they way that THEY see fit.

 

[CoilyFields]

I don't understand how this is different from the situation in the OP. Money wise it seems the same. I think the fact that he added percentages is throwing people off. If all the people saying (everything in one account/he should pay bills, I do savings and household) the percentages would probably come out the same or similar to what the guy in the OP is saying. I'm missing the argument.

Is it because he included that he has more hobbies/interests than her? I automatically added her to that list as well, so maybe that's why I'm confused as to why the lady in the OP has a problem& why people are assuming negative things about the guy.

Its actually very different.
In the OP he included she was assigned to paying half or a percentage of the bilks weather he could afford to cover them all or not AND left her a lesser amount of spending money than him.
That's quite different than what I explained. And weather he included her in his extra money or not doesn't make a difference.

 

[PerplexingComplex]

^^^ For me, it is not the same thing at all. The other income is a whole layer of extra. Extra savings, extra investment, upgrades from 3-star (because if you let him, we will stay in a motel ) to 5-star hotels or longer trips or more cities on a trip, etc. It adds to our quality of life, but not essential for us to live decently and manage our financial life. If my income is gone, we will still be fine. We both happily benefit from the extra and I am glad about that. I can take care of us financially, but I don't have to.

The miser in the OP has her income as part of the essential income needed to keep the family running and allots her $400 at the end of every month. He then allots himself $750 and declares HIS hobbies are more than hers (god forbid she find new hobbies. She has to remain at the same ones she has now for life ). The same people that have spent the better part of this thread asking people not to assume what has not been written are assuming HIS hobbies (as he describes them) includes her.

This is my last post in this thread. I think I have put myself and my financial life out there enough. As an aside: anyone know an effective natural remedy for insomnia. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and my alarm doesn't go off for 2 more hours. I need to get my sleep under control because I am tired all day.

I still see the amount she's paying equal to or in the same range as the extras you are talking about.

Basically I'm getting that because he made a set amount instead of just letting her give when she felt like adding a bit extra, that's the problem financially?

I get the issues with him trying to justify why he needs more play money and can understand how that could seem as though he might be selfish.

 

[NOEChic]

LOL, I love how dedicated you are to the OP.

I am just saying. I go by on what is posted, not what is in my head. While the the op will be saving a nice chunk of change each month, its like the other posters are spending their whole 400 each month.

 

[NOEChic]

^^^ For me, it is not the same thing at all. The other income is a whole layer of extra. Extra savings, extra investment, upgrades from 3-star (because if you let him, we will stay in a motel ) to 5-star hotels or longer trips or more cities on a trip, etc. It adds to our quality of life, but not essential for us to live decently and manage our financial life. If my income is gone, we will still be fine. We both happily benefit from the extra and I am glad about that. I can take care of us financially, but I don't have to.

The miser in the OP has her income as part of the essential income needed to keep the family running and allots her $400 at the end of every month. He then allots himself $750 and declares HIS hobbies are more than hers (god forbid she find new hobbies. She has to remain at the same ones she has now for life ). The same people that have spent the better part of this thread asking people not to assume what has not been written are assuming HIS hobbies (as he describes them) includes her.

This is my last post in this thread. I think I have put myself and my financial life out there enough. As an aside: anyone know an effective natural remedy for insomnia. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and my alarm doesn't go off for 2 more hours. I need to get my sleep under control because I am tired all day.

It's percentage based. I could understand calling him a miser if he said without percentage off top I am saving more. but it is percentage, of course the person with the more money will have a bigger chunk if they are using the same percentage. it would also be different if she said, i am going to keep 25% of my income for me and you keep 20%, but they are using the same percentage.

 

[FemmeCreole]

The SAHM is yardy, I'm assuming. But from my perspective, no one was getting bent out of shape because she's a SAHM? I'm sure a lot of women wouldn't mind being a SAHM if for only while the child is little, and then pick back up with their careers as they see fit. Whoever thinks that the board is pickin on SAHMs in general is reaching.

There were insults spewed from both sides, but no one is hating on anyone for being a SAHM. That SAHM just needs not spew her disgust for the next couple who pools their money together to make a living they way that THEY see fit.

oh I didn't know Yardy was a SAHM. But if she is then of course her husband would pay 100% of bills etc. I din't see the problem there. I also didn't see anybody insulting SAHMs in general in this thread. And I agree, insults were thrown from both sides. All that stuff was just unnecessary. It's all a combination of some looking down on others, some feeling offended by others, some thinking "oh look at her, she thinks her stuff don't stink" ... and when really we should do better at respecting differing opinions and life choices...especially if it works for the person involved.

*off my soapbox*

 

[FemmeFatale]

oh I didn't know Yardy was a SAHM. But if she is then of course her husband would pay 100% of bills etc. I din't see the problem there. I also didn't see anybody insulting SAHMs in general in this thread. And I agree, insults were thrown from both sides. All that stuff was just unnecessary. It's all a combination of some looking down on others, some feeling offended by others, some thinking "oh look at her, she thinks her stuff don't stink" ... and when really we should do better at respecting differing opinions and life choices...especially if it works for the person involved.

*off my soapbox*

I guess that's where my "disrespect" comes in because I will always feel that a woman in said situation can do better, especially if she's unhappy.

And to those that consider this boasting, go cry yourself a river cause I don't give a....

 

[Priss Pot]

10 character

 

[FemmeCreole]

I guess that's where my "disrespect" comes in because I will always feel that a woman in said situation can do better, especially if she's unhappy.

And to those that consider this boasting, go cry yourself a river cause I don't give a....

And what if she's happy?

I don't see it so much as boasting. It's more like condemnation. "if your man is not footing 100% of all bills (even if you work) then he's not a real man."

Statements like that are bound to offend some and probably they were said to offend... I don't know. But Saying stuff like that will ostracize majority of families who have 2 income households where both parties contribute.

 

[FemmeFatale]

And what if she's happy?

I don't see it so much as boasting. It's more like condemnation. "if your man is not footing 100% of all bills (even if you work) then he's not a real man."

Statements like that are bound to offend some and probably they were said to offend... I don't know. But Saying stuff like that will ostracize majority of families who have 2 income households where both parties contribute.

I will say this, It rubs me the wrong way because I've been there and when I look back I ask myself WTF was I thinking/doing. It left me bitter and filled with resentment.

Emotions and sappiness don't do much for me, I'm action oriented and prefer a man that protects and provides, that's my love language.

 

[NOEChic]

I will say this, It rubs me the wrong way because I've been there and when I look back I ask myself WTF was I thinking/doing. It left me bitter and filled with resentment.

Emotions and sappiness don't do much for me, I'm action oriented and prefer a man that protects and provides, that's my love language.

But again what if she is cool with it now and in the past and the future. You can't force someone to like what you like or do things the way that you do them, bc you feel they are best. They are not your child.

That is you love language and it makes it right for you and not everyone. Everyone loves differently, that is why there are more than one love language.

 

[FemmeFatale]

But again what if she is cool with it now and in the past and the future. You can't force someone to like what you like or do things the way that you do them, bc you feel they are best. They are not your child.

And that's fine but my opinion will still stand

But There's nothing like waking up one day and realizing that you've been shafted. Boy did I learn in my mid 20s. I'm just glad I didn't get caught up with a kid.

 

[SincerelyJane]

^^^ For me, it is not the same thing at all. The other income is a whole layer of extra. Extra savings, extra investment, upgrades from 3-star (because if you let him, we will stay in a motel ) to 5-star hotels or longer trips or more cities on a trip, etc. It adds to our quality of life, but not essential for us to live decently and manage our financial life. If my income is gone, we will still be fine. We both happily benefit from the extra and I am glad about that. I can take care of us financially, but I don't have to.

The miser in the OP has her income as part of the essential income needed to keep the family running and allots her $400 at the end of every month. He then allots himself $750 and declares HIS hobbies are more than hers (god forbid she find new hobbies. She has to remain at the same ones she has now for life ). The same people that have spent the better part of this thread asking people not to assume what has not been written are assuming HIS hobbies (as he describes them) includes her.

This is my last post in this thread. I think I have put myself and my financial life out there enough. As an aside: anyone know an effective natural remedy for insomnia. I woke up about 30 minutes ago and my alarm doesn't go off for 2 more hours. I need to get my sleep under control because I am tired all day.

He didn't say his hobbies were more important he said he has more hobbies. I was talking to the guy I'm dating about this last night (because I realized it was an important conversation and we hadn't discussed it yet), and he brought a good point. Why does it matter who has more play money as long as each can afford to whatever we want to do. My happiness is his happiness and vice versa.

Like others have said, the issue was how many women tried to say that people's spouses weren't "real men" because they aren't paying all the bills and handling their spouses debt. They were saying this without respect to the fact that everyone's situation is different.

In my case, I think my family would benefit more from me working and contributing to bills as opposed to me staying at home. There are many excellent working moms and me working and contributing to "bills" means we would be that much more able to set our family up to have generational wealth, down to the great grandkids if we want. He knows this, I know this. In no way would he be taking advantage of me, or causing me to suffer in anyway. It's just smart.

 

[Priss Pot]

And that's fine but my opinion will still stand

But There's nothing like waking up one day and realizing that you've been shafted. Boy did I learn in my mid 20s. I'm just glad I didn't get caught up with a kid.

But maybe that's just the guy you delt with, tho? Everybody isn't like that guy. And you can wake up shafted with a rich man too with nothing for yourself. I'm not knocking finding a man with some change; I'm all for it if that's what you want. But these conversations tend to act as if a man who pays 100% everything won't shaft you. Men are men, and the money they make will not dictate how they act towards you should y'all split. No matter if you're being taken care of or helping with taking care, you still need to have an exit plan in mind should things go sour.

 

[topnotch1010]

Emotions and sappiness don't do much for me, I'm action oriented and prefer a man that protects and provides, that's my love language.

AMEN sistah!!! For me, the game changes after a woman has children. I can't be expected to work all the time. Raising our children is more important. Its his job to cover all of the bills. I don't add to his burden but racking up unnecessary debt, but he has no problem covering the bills and has told me that he takes pride in it.

Now, once the children are all in school, I will resume a fulltime career, but we will continue to live on only one income, a fraction of one, actually, and it's still up to me if I ever want to return full time.

For a couple with no children, I don't see a problem with percentages. We did the same thing, but the expectation was set that I would pull out of the workforce to raise the children once they arrived.

 

[FemmeFatale]

But maybe that's just the guy you delt with, tho? Everybody isn't like that guy. And you can wake up shafted with a rich man too with nothing for yourself. I'm not knocking finding a man with some change; I'm all for it if that's what you want. But these conversations tend to act as if a man who pays 100% everything won't shaft you. Men are men, and the money they make will not dictate how they act towards you should y'all split. No matter if you're being taken care of or helping with taking care, you still need to have an exit plan in mind should things go sour.

For me it's about that man feeling like its his job to care for me and taking pride in doing so moreso than the amount he makes. Don't look at me as Ms. independent, she can hold her own, where's your half, etc. No no no.

And I never said he has to cover 100% of the costs (unless I'm not working). But that 50/50, 40/60 stuff is just not the business.

 

[TayMac]

My only issue with the plan/budget in the post was that he can afford to pay all the bills on his income but didn't appear to offer that as an option. Like he just doesn't want to

For me that is different than a working/low middle class family where both are contributing out of need.

 

[SophieDulce]

My only issue with the plan/budget in the post was that he can afford to pay all the bills on his income but didn't appear to offer that as an option. Like he just doesn't want to

For me that is different than a working/low middle class family where both are contributing out of need.

Yeah the tone def implied that he doesn't want to, that's a deal breaker for me.

 

[FemmeFatale]

My only issue with the plan/budget in the post was that he can afford to pay all the bills on his income but didn't appear to offer that as an option. Like he just doesn't want to

For me that is different than a working/low middle class family where both are contributing out of need.

Right. But of course ppl want to conflate the two just to be in their feelings. I don't look at the latter as a miserly man (although at this stage I wouldn't choose him). This guy reminds me of the flashy dude I referenced in the beginning that spends more on himself than anyone else.

 

[Priss Pot]

For me it's about that man feeling like its his job to care for me and taking pride in doing so moreso than the amount he makes. Don't look at me as Ms. independent, she can hold her own, where's your half, etc. No no no.

And I never said he has to cover 100% of the costs (unless I'm not working). But that 50/50, 40/60 stuff is just not the business.

I still think it just comes down to semantics and not putting a percentage on it whether you contribute or not. I say this because a lot of you remind me of my mother and her opinions and the things she would teach me. Of course I had my questions. Like, my parents had a joint account; therefore, both paychecks went into the same account. When I questioned why she let her check go into the account if he paid for everything, there was never a clear answer. It was always her income was the extra one, etc. I don't mind that setup at all, but it's like her (and a lot of you) don't like saying "my income contributes to the household as well."

I feel like a man can be a provider regardless if he can afford to pay 100% or not. He has to have the attitude about wanting to take care of as much as he can afford. Depending on his salary, if he can't absorb 100% of the cost (more like 70% I guess), then it doesn't make him less of a man because you have to pitch in. Ideally, I'm sure most men would take pride in being able to provide 100% with extra leftover, but it's not that peachy for all families.

 

[Southernbella.]

I still think it just comes down to semantics and not putting a percentage on it whether you contribute or not. I say this because a lot of you remind me of my mother and her opinions and the things she would teach me. Of course I had my questions. Like, my parents had a joint account; therefore, both paychecks went into the same account. When I questioned why she let her check go into the account if he paid for everything, there was never a clear answer. It was always her income was the extra one, etc. I don't mind that setup at all, but it's like her (and a lot of you) don't like saying "my income contributes to the household as well."

I feel like a man can be a provider regardless if he can afford to pay 100% or not. He has to have the attitude about wanting to take care of as much as he can afford. Depending on his salary, if he can't absorb 100% of the cost (more like 70% I guess), then it doesn't make him less of a man because you have to pitch in. Ideally, I'm sure most men would take pride in being able to provide 100% with extra leftover, but it's not that peachy for all families.

I see what you're saying and I don't disagree. I believe in one pot so who pays what is not extremely relevant to me personally.

I just don't like this guy's attitude. He's too concerned about her paying "her share". I just don't see marriage that way and I couldn't deal with that. It may be semantics but...don't ever come to me with a breakdown of what I'm supposed to be paying for.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[Ogoma]

Our joint account doesn't have my income going in there. It will defeat the purpose of what we are trying to do.

 

[FelaShrine]

LOL why not just call it his account that you have access to?

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but...the OP reads like a divorce agreement, not a financial plan toward marriage.

 

[frida1980]

500 posts?!?!?


Money really is the largest issue in a marriage! I'm reading this thread and taking notes.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Ok, I'm going back to the OP. If her income went solely to savings, they'd actually have less in savings. She makes about $3500, but with his percentage in the savings, it's like another $1000. So he doesn't "need" her income and yes, hers could go strictly to savings but it seems (with the percentages) that it's more beneficial except the one area of recreation/disposable income.