Paying Bills And Marriage

FemmeFatale said:
I think the women here should just do what they've always done and just keep mum on these topics, let people figure out their own stuff.

Pa fout mande mwen.
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No, I completely disagree! :lol: I love learning about the different approaches people take to handling these issues. It's helpful for those of us who are just beginning to seriously consider marriage.
 
Dreamer48 said:
No, I completely disagree! :lol: I love learning about the different approaches people take to handling these issues. It's helpful for those of us who are just beginning to seriously consider marriage.
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I agree with you here. Honestly it truly is about how you do it which is why a majority of these convos go to flames and brings things down. Otherwise these threads can be informative.

There have been posters who give good advice here on relationships and they do not do it in a condensing or judgmental way. They used to post at least. Hopeful and BiancaElise are perfect examples. Bunny77 was also quite nice. It's not for nothing they haven't posted in this thread. Hopeful at least. I know the others are gone.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
Kurlee said:
:look: what do you mean by this?:look:
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Meaning there are some contradictions made by people in this thread versus what they have said in other ones on similar topics. For example, it should be predictable that Id have a me, mine, and more of mine mentality about this topic since I've spoken about my own arrangement for years on here. Can't say the same about everyone else.
 
Ogoma said:
Housing/bills/groceries/daily maintenance -one income. Other income used for savings, investments, holiday upgrades, and other discretionary spending.
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:yep::yep:

Priss Pot said:
I'm about to put myself out there, but I'm looking at this as a lesson that needed to be learned by me. Back in undergrad, I was wreckless with money and credit card. DH, who was only my bf at the time, bailed me out constantly and was always covering my expenses. I knew I needed to change, and I knew it was financially stressing him too. I remember the year the IRS gave stimulus checks, he had to give his whole check to me :-/ He'd also get his paycheck and couldn't even spend the way he wanted because he knew a portion of it would automatically go to me for my screw-ups. Overtime, it got old. He never threatened to not help me again, but I grew up and saw for myself that I need to be financially responsible. My parents and DH have always been there financially, but feeling as if I should bear no responsibility for my finances is very flawed. That is not how I'd want to enter a marriage. We expect men to take care of us and our financial woes, but we tend not to take into consideration the stress we might be putting them through. We think some head and a good meal will make it go away. I'd want for my husband to feel appreciated and know that I won't make any stupid financial decisions just because I know he'll bail me out.

Some of the women here feel that because they have vaginas, they are entitled to screw-ups and dare the husband have any stress about it...because you know, he's supposed to be happy to take on the financial burdens that you should have control over.
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I don't think many women feel that way. I think that it's my responsibility to practice good financial management, regardless of whether he pays the bills or not. B/c you are right, it makes me sense for me to run around spending to oblivion whie he's stressed out. But I don't think people advocate that. Now I can understand pros and cons against paying off debt that was accumulated before you, but whether he agrees to or not, it should come with conversations, understands, and plans about how money will be handled in the future.

SelahOco said:
This is what I was thinking. I make too much money to expect a man to take care of me like my dad would. I think I see a husband as a default provider. Like if I get sick or have kids and want to stay home, I want a man who would be cool with me doing that and happily pay all the bills. Otherwise, two married young professionals that are out here hustling and brining in good money - you're building together.

Me and DH just put our money together as a household income. Some years I make more and some years he makes more - but we don't think or talk about it. We decided to do a community pot - I do the budget and pay all the bills. We do cash for spending money and don't really halfen it up. Just take what you need.

We never fight about money and I don't care about the fairness of it.

His mom is a stay at home mom and I was raised without a dad. So, I know that plays into how I think.

I can see both sides. I think a man should be a provider. But if y'all both working, I can't see myself just keeping my paycheck and letting him foot all the bills. God forbid I leave him and I have stacks of cash and he has nothing.
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BUt is that what happens? From previous conversations we've had on this subject, it seems that women are spendin their money on their families, through savings, vacations, household, and kids

carcajada said:
This message board isn't ready for my answer. This thread is a mess.
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I'm curious. You always have interesting perspectives

carcajada
 
Ok, so here's another side of this. I'm going to try to articulate this so that it makes sense, so bear with me, y'all:

I think a lot of women (in general) are hung up on WHO pays what and not exactly how much money is being put out by both. A lot of the women here have stated that the man pays the big things (mortgage, car note, utilities, etc) but the woman will contribute her salary to the savings account. So in the end, aren't BOTH your salaries going towards the household? Your savings will be used by the both of you. So essentially, you BOTH are contributing to the household financially, it's just that HIS money is being used right away towards monthly bills. Because if your family's immediate needs are based on his salary, and you selfishly decide you no longer want to contribute to the family's savings (and do whatever with your money), then I'm pretty sure your DH may have something to say about that. No, you aren't paying the immediate bills, but you're taking away the safety net that was the savings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're still contributing financially to the household, whether you want to call it that or not. And it's okay.

ETA: I think some women (myself included) get hung up on just wanting to say "Well, my man pays all the bills." When in reality, I'm contributing financially as well just not with major bill payments.
 
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I don't think that has ever been in dispute. Very early on someone mentioned putting both into a joint account and paying bills and stuff from there and people got upset with that. :lol:

I think people just wanted to be upset. There seems very little in this thread to get people going so much.
 
Ogoma said:
I don't think that has ever been in dispute. Very early on someone mentioned putting both into a joint account and paying bills and stuff from there and people got upset with that. :lol:

I think people just wanted to be upset. There seems very little in this thread to get people going so much.
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Who got upset? :look:

I was pointing out that her arrangement wasn't really too different from the OP arrangement. I don't think anyone was upset over that, but the other examples of paying nothing seemed "extreme."
 
If you are a SAHM/SAHW/GF and not making any formal income, how is paying nothing extreme?

If people got out of their feelings, they would have seen a common theme. Those (that ascribed to living on one income/man being financial provider) that worked contributed either through a joint account or discretionary items or non-immediate items. Those that didn't, contributed nothing. Made sense to me.
 
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BEAUTYU2U said:
We weren't talking about SAHMs though. What? No.
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Really? Because when people started making personal comments, it was definitely directed at some SAHMs. You would have to thrown your brain in the river not to have seen that. I mean come on.
 
Ah, the insults. Nice. But no, I didn't read every comment after I left. I grazed. :yep: Besides, when Bella gave that example and I responded? That was pages before the personal attacks.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Ah, the insults. Nice. But no, I didn't read every comment after I left. I grazed. :yep: Besides, when Bella gave that example and I responded? That was pages before the personal attacks.
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Not insulting you. Just incredulous that anyone that read this thread could even imply most of the anger was not directed at a few people, one of whom is quite vocally (or whatever the right Internet term is) a SAHM. A SAHM states her requirement is for husbands to provide everything for the family and people get annoyed. :lol:
 
Where is the anger though? There was passive aggressive shade and snark from all directions per the usual.

No one has even been called out of their name really.

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Ogoma said:
Not insulting you. Just incredulous that anyone that read this thread could even imply most of the anger was not directed at a few people, one of whom is quite vocally (or whatever the right Internet term is) a SAHM. A SAHM states her requirement is for husbands to provide everything for the family and people get annoyed. :lol:
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Well you got me there. I'm in the dark about which insults are meant for which posters most of the time. And I'm not sure who the vocal SAHM is. I don't usually keep track of e-fonts. No snark. I just don't. :yep:
 
Priss Pot said:
Ok, so here's another side of this. I'm going to try to articulate this so that it makes sense, so bear with me, y'all:

I think a lot of women (in general) are hung up on WHO pays what and not exactly how much money is being put out by both. A lot of the women here have stated that the man pays the big things (mortgage, car note, utilities, etc) but the woman will contribute her salary to the savings account. So in the end, aren't BOTH your salaries going towards the household? Your savings will be used by the both of you. So essentially, you BOTH are contributing to the household financially, it's just that HIS money is being used right away towards monthly bills. Because if your family's immediate needs are based on his salary, and you selfishly decide you no longer want to contribute to the family's savings (and do whatever with your money), then I'm pretty sure your DH may have something to say about that. No, you aren't paying the immediate bills, but you're taking away the safety net that was the savings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're still contributing financially to the household, whether you want to call it that or not. And it's okay...
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:thankyou: I always felt these discussions boiled down to arguments about semantics, but I thought that was just me. :look:
 
People still get offended over yardy? She aint brand new here, her opinions aint brand new, and neither are yall :lol:

At any rate, I'm of the camp that you do what works best for you. I dont get the snark either way, if everyone's system is working for them then that works. Even if a woman is making the most money and paying everything nothing is wrong with that if she is happy with the system. The girl in the OP was not hence the other suggestions.
 
TopShelf said:
Paying half of any bill is very different from paying the entire thing. But you are more than entitled to your POV.

I get the vibe that many women on the board feel like ," why get married if i have to pay bills". but wouldn't you have to pay bills if you lived alone?
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Yes, you have to pay bills if you live alone. So...you may as well just live alone :look:
 
I'm so late...

Haven't read the whole thread but as I mentioned in another thread my paycheck begins where DHs ends. And that goes for weather he makes more money than me or not. The plan is that he pays all the bills and I cover gas, groceries, kid stuff, our debt, our allowances etc.
It all goes into joint accounts and then shuffled around to the other accounts as necessary.

We both believe it is primarily his responsibility to provide for us and that I should always have the choice to work or not. We are not unicorns, just average incomes and we make that work for us.
 
Priss Pot said:
Ok, so here's another side of this. I'm going to try to articulate this so that it makes sense, so bear with me, y'all:

I think a lot of women (in general) are hung up on WHO pays what and not exactly how much money is being put out by both. A lot of the women here have stated that the man pays the big things (mortgage, car note, utilities, etc) but the woman will contribute her salary to the savings account. So in the end, aren't BOTH your salaries going towards the household? Your savings will be used by the both of you. So essentially, you BOTH are contributing to the household financially, it's just that HIS money is being used right away towards monthly bills. Because if your family's immediate needs are based on his salary, and you selfishly decide you no longer want to contribute to the family's savings (and do whatever with your money), then I'm pretty sure your DH may have something to say about that. No, you aren't paying the immediate bills, but you're taking away the safety net that was the savings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're still contributing financially to the household, whether you want to call it that or not. And it's okay.

ETA: I think some women (myself included) get hung up on just wanting to say "Well, my man pays all the bills." When in reality, I'm contributing financially as well just not with major bill payments.
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I get what you're saying. I'm not sure how others may define it but when I say DH is the provider (even though I contribute financially) I mean :
1. He's the only one required to work.

2. His paycheck should be enough to cover basic needs (we consider this shelter, utilities, car etc.)

3. Any money shortages are his responsibility (when we first got married when something extra/unexpected happened he had to work extra shifts and work at his families business to make ends meet).

4. He will go without so that I don't have to (same as we would do for our kid)

So I'm not sure if its really just semantics for everyone.
 
CoilyFields said:
I get what you're saying. I'm not sure how others may define it but when I say DH is the provider (even though I contribute financially) I mean :
1. He's the only one required to work.

2. His paycheck should be enough to cover basic needs (we consider this shelter, utilities, car etc.)

3. Any money shortages are his responsibility (when we first got married when something extra/unexpected happened he had to work extra shifts and work at his families business to make ends meet).

4. He will go without so that I don't have to (same as we would do for our kid)

So I'm not sure if its really just semantics for everyone.
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I don't understand how this is different from the situation in the OP. Money wise it seems the same. I think the fact that he added percentages is throwing people off. If all the people saying (everything in one account/he should pay bills, I do savings and household) the percentages would probably come out the same or similar to what the guy in the OP is saying. I'm missing the argument.

Is it because he included that he has more hobbies/interests than her? I automatically added her to that list as well, so maybe that's why I'm confused as to why the lady in the OP has a problem& why people are assuming negative things about the guy.
 
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