Paying Bills And Marriage

[LaBelleLL]

sounds a bit judgmental?

however, doesnt matter. i doubt you care and neither do they. cant please everyone. people should do whatever makes them happiest.

of course it's judgement. what's wrong with being able to discern an empty soul from a full and vibrant one? I see nothing wrong with that.

but yes can't please everyone and that shouldn't ever be the goal.

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[LaBelleLL]

I mean when you put it like that

Lol that's what she said. just using the info given!

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[FemmeFatale]

As my male cousin told me, never discuss what your man does for you..apparently the same thing applies for the Internet

 

[TopShelf]

I think sometimes it's not limited exposure but preference. The term "birds of a feather" and similar minds-think-alike. I know some women that would never associate with women that paid their own bills. (<--and no, im not one of those women).

How does a topic like that even come about?

Hi, My name is Tophshelf, my SO/FH/DH/whomever pays my bills, does yours?

you can't be serious

 

[SandCastles]

I don't have to ask- I like to. Even after 10 years of marriage, he looks at me like I'm crazy if I ask him if I can do something/go somewhere etc. He even says, why are you asking me, just do it But that is how I choose to show respect for him along with getting him something to drink if I see him working outside, whatever. We are not 50/50 partners and it used to drive me crazy in the early days of marriage until I learned to use it to my advantage.

It is NOT for everyone and I am by NO means a doormat. I learned this from my mother who has been married for over 35 years and is a Battle-Ax if you've ever met one. Trust me, if I want something, I get it and he always seems to think it was his idea- that's just how I choose to roll.

If I've learned anything from this board in my house there is is Peace,Piece, and Piece, thank you old head MissScarlett and it works for me.

No need to defend your family dynamics. As I stated, I'm glad it works for you. That's great! It would NOT work for me, and that's great too. Everyone gets to live her own life.

 

[LaBelleLL]

As my male cousin told me, never discuss what your man does for you..apparently the same thing applies for the Internet

pitit moun pale twop la! yo pale de bagay ki pa mem rive! yap toujou tann. maybe im superstitious but I don't get it. you're blocking what you want, what you desire. rete trankil ou epi lap vini.

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[barbiesocialite]

As my male cousin told me, never discuss what your man does for you..apparently the same thing applies for the Internet

I never discuss money IRL. It's no one's business.

 

[LaBelleLL]

How does a topic like that even come about?

Hi, My name is Tophshelf, my SO/FH/DH/whomever pays my bills, does yours?

you can't be serious

I think that's how it goes....

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[SelahOco]

A home mortgage or medical school student loan is different than credit card debt for sprees at Sephora and Saks. The type of debt matters.

I agree. I just assume that most people have student loans and that he was talking about credit card debt.

 

[barbiesocialite]

If I've learned anything from this board in my house there is is Peace,Piece, and Piece, thank you old head MissScarlett and it works for me.

she still does give pretty good advice.

 

[SincerelyJane]

one can be "intelligent" and vapid. they sound empty inside or as if their priorities are misaligned. and actually aren't very smart. book smart fine but life smart - nope. "I only hang out with other women whose debt was paid by their husbands". What the what!! Just IMO.

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Exactly. Some of us went to professional school, why on earth would I saddle my husband with that amount of debt? I mean exactly why did I go grad school? And what on earth am I going to do with all that money?

That is such a selfish mindset, if they weren't so serious about it I would think it was a joke. I seriously cannot deal.

 

[FemmeFatale]

pitit moun pale twop la! yo pale de bagay ki pa mem rive! yap toujou tann. maybe im superstitious but I don't get it. you're blocking what you want, what you desire. rete trankil epi lap vini.

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you are killing me.

 

[mrselle]

I disagree with this. Carrying debt says a lot about a person. I think any man or woman should be careful not to marry a person deep in debt and cool about being bailed out of it.

It depends on the kind of debt. I had debt when DH and I got married. I had student loans, but I also had other debt because credit cards had been taken out in my name without my knowledge (another story for another thread). Anyway....DH HELPED me with that debt because he looked at it as helping US for the things we wanted to do in the future, not as bailing me out. Like DH told my father when we got engaged, "Her debt is now my debt and I have to help her."

 

[barbiesocialite]

Exactly. Some of us went to professional school, why on earth would I saddle my husband with that amount of debt? I mean exactly why did I go grad school? And what on earth am I going to do with all that money?

That is such a selfish mindset, if they weren't so serious about it I would think it was a joke. I seriously cannot deal.

It's important for a woman to have a healthy sense of entitlement. It's usually evident those who do and those who dont. What works for some doesnt work for all, but it goes hand in hand with other things in life beyond money.

 

[DragonPearl]

In the words of *zaynab* if it don't apply let it fly*

I miss her.

I liked her a lot. She did not stoop to the level of insinuating that if people didn't do things the way she did them in her marriage, something was wrong with them.

 

[SelahOco]

why are people so sensitive about this topic? lol

It's a weird topic because if you feel strongly about how men "should" provide and make a statement about it it's almost like saying 'you're stupid cause you married a no good, no providing man ...I'm not judging do what's best for you though.'

I felt it when someone said the one poster's brother didn't have integrity because we delayed his marriage till his fiancé got out if debt. That stung me and its not even my brother or man.

Everyone views marriage roles differently and I think it's hard to talk about it without someone feeling judged.

 

[barbiesocialite]

How does a topic like that even come about?

Hi, My name is Tophshelf, my SO/FH/DH/whomever pays my bills, does yours?

you can't be serious

if it doesnt apply let it fly.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

I believe that when a woman is single, she should work on getting her finances in order before she gets married. The only thing is that I've noticed a lot of honest, hardworking young women who are trying to get themselves together are overlooked by men their age. The same thing that men complain about happens to women. Men complain about flashy heauxs and gold diggers but that is what a lot of them go for and foot the bill for. The sad part is that when a lot of these good girls are older and established, people say they should have married younger. I've had friends who had men pay for vacations and bail them out of financial stuff but I'm not about that life. If I don't have it, then I won't find a man to give it to me. That's how some women start becoming mistresses, start getting sugar daddies, and dating men they don't even like for an easier life.

 

[barbiesocialite]

It's a weird topic because if you feel strongly about how men "should" provide and make a statement about it it's almost like saying 'you're stupid cause you married a no good, no providing man ...I'm not judging do what's best for you though.'

I felt it when someone said the one poster's brother didn't have integrity because we delayed his marriage till his fiancé got out if debt. That stung me and its not even my brother or man.

Everyone views marriage roles differently and I think it's hard to talk about it without someone feeling judged.

but I didnt say that.

maybe this says a lot about individual insecurities more than it does about other interpretations of *my* opinions.

 

[SelahOco]

I miss her.

I liked her a lot. She did not stoop to the level of insinuating that if people didn't do things the way she did them in her marriage, something was wrong with them.

Zaynab gone? I been gone too long!!

 

[LaBelleLL]

It depends on the kind of debt. I had debt when DH and I got married. I had student loans, but I also had other debt because credit cards had been taken out in my name without my knowledge (another story for another thread). Anyway....DH HELPED me with that debt because he looked at it as helping US for the things we wanted to do in the future, not as bailing me out. Like DH told my father when we got engaged, "Her debt is now my debt and I have to help her."

I feel like what you describe is different from what is being espoused here. Some posters just want to throw their debt at someone else instead of being open to working with them. Or not having it their way. Men will respond to a woman who says thanks but do you need any help? Let him turn around and say "no I got you". A good man always will. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I come from a household where money was essentially one. my dad handles everything. my mother taught me to expect this setup for my own marriage but to not abuse it.

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[calliope]

No need to defend your family dynamics. As I stated, I'm glad it works for you. That's great! It would NOT work for me, and that's great too. Everyone gets to live her own life.

Not defending, clarifying since you seemed to misunderstand what I said. I'm glad for you too.

 

[SelahOco]

but I didnt say that.

maybe this says a lot about individual insecurities more than it does about other interpretations of *my* opinions.

No, no one 'said' that. That's now what I meant.

It's like when women say 'wearing an anklet is whorish' and the woman she's talking to has on an anklet. It don't have to be a hoe to know you think she's one.

And Barbie your comments are not really the ones I'm referring to directly. I just started reading the thread and am mostly talking about the initial reactions to not wanting 'that type of man.'

 

[barbiesocialite]

No, no one 'said' that. That's now what I meant.

It's like when women say 'wearing an anklet is whorish' and the woman she's talking to has on an anklet. It don't have to be a hoe to know you think she's one.

And Barbie your comments are not really the ones I'm referring to directly. I just started reading the thread and am mostly talking about the initial reactions to not wanting 'that type of man.'

fair enough. I understand.

 

[DragonPearl]

@Zaynab gone? I been gone too long!!

I don't know. I haven't seen her around these parts.

 

[Ogoma]

There is this cliquish mentality here that if people do things differently than you, something is wrong with them.

I think people need to get over themselves and curb some of this online fronting. I have lived long enough to know that nobody's marriage is perfect.

It is not one-sided though.....

This cliquish mentally is moving in both directions. I am not going to be calculating percentages with any man. Not how I was raised. Not sure why people would take that personally, but people do on here.

 

[FemmeFatale]

No, no one 'said' that. That's now what I meant.

It's like when women say 'wearing an anklet is whorish' and the woman she's talking to has on an anklet. It don't have to be a hoe to know you think she's one.

And Barbie your comments are not really the ones I'm referring to directly. I just started reading the thread and am mostly talking about the initial reactions to not wanting 'that type of man.'

I'll be honest, I don't want that type of man and I make that crystal ball clear.

 

[Ogoma]

Lol... Y'all take stuff to personal.

They really do! I thought we had established early on no one should take advice from anyone else

 

[Southernbella.]

It is not one-sided though.....

This cliquish mentally is moving in both directions. I am not going to be calculating percentages with any man. Not how I was raised. Not sure why people would take that personally, but people do on here.

Exactly. It's very telling.

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[Priss Pot]

but I didnt say that.

maybe this says a lot about individual insecurities more than it does about other interpretations of *my* opinions.

Let us not resort to the "you must have insecurities" clause. You may have not said those words, but in reality that is the underlying implication that some women give overall on LHCF. I don't want to name names, but it's true.

I think the reason some people's opinions get skewed is because of the snarkiness in the attitudes. There are a few pretentious women on here who do judge others. The attitude soon becomes associated with the action in which they boast about (such as the husband paying 100% of everything)

I say this as someone who came from a traditional household where my father paid for everything, and my mother's financial contribution was at her discretion. It was instilled in me to make sure to marry a man the same as my father. Granted I still have the same values, I just have a more realistic viewpoint on it that works for me. There's no way I could do 50/50, but I'm not gonna get snarky and knock the next member who finds that it works for her.