P*rn Addicted Spouse

[longhairlover]

in ways it does interfere with our sex life, after reading all the sex addicts/prn addicts websites it's stated that those men/women lose their intimacy with a real person, and I notice with him that it doesn't have that intimacy because I guess he learned to have sex via porn, and he's watched it for soooooo long that he thinks that's the proper way to do it, it just lacks the passion, even porn stars have said they don't have sex with their mates the way they do when they are at "work" and that that's just for entertainment.

besides this huge issue he is a really good man, i've let it go a million times already and it's really just starting to wear on me.

I understand that porn is against your religious beliefs. But to be honest, I don't think this is an issue you should end your marriage over. Porn is for men what soap operas are for women.

I definitely wouldn't say he has an addiction because it doesn't seem to interfere with his daily activities or most importantly his sex life with you.

It sounds like you have a good man there, and you don't want to throw that away lightly. I would go to counselling and fight for your marriage.

 

[caltron]

i'm not anti-porn, i'm anti-sneak in the corner wait til i'm dead sleep to go creep and watch it constantly behind my back and attempting to find ways to hide it.

alot of times i've mentioned lets watch some together but noooooo he's on some creep ish

I have my alone sex sometimes too, but he'll do this porn crap and then will still try to get some from me,

O.K. that is different. I can understand where you are coming from. Just being devil's advocate though...maybe he tries to hide it because he knows you don't really like it. He might scared that you're wanting to watch it with him just to please him or that you might get mad while you're watching it.

 

[caltron]

in ways it does interfere with our sex life, after reading all the sex addicts/prn addicts websites it's stated that those men/women lose their intimacy with a real person, and I notice with him that it doesn't have that intimacy because I guess he learned to have sex via porn, and he's watched it for soooooo long that he thinks that's the proper way to do it, it just lacks the passion, even porn stars have said they don't have sex with their mates the way they do when they are at "work" and that that's just for entertainment.

besides this huge issue he is a really good man, i've let it go a million times already and it's really just starting to wear on me.

Sorry you have to go through this, but I hope you two are able to work through this without you having to feel like you're putting up with something you shouldn't. I hope you're able to get counselling.

 

[longhairlover]

he's not looking at s&m yet, just the regular type of porn, and no guy on guy lol!

but it's alot and consistent weekly.

I don't have any moral issues with porn and I also don't think the behavior you're describing is all that unusual for a lot of men...but I was reading this book on how the brain works and it had a chapter on how porn effects the way the brain responds to sexual stimulus.

Because the internet allows unlimited access to porn, there is an epidemic of porn addiction, particularly among young men. The problem is that if you watch porn excessively (not sure how that's defined) your brain adapts to the sexual images and isn't aroused by the same things any more so people addicted to porn will sex out more and more bizarre or unusual sexual situations in order to get aroused. This book (which was written by a doctor) was saying this is one of the reasons modern day porn is becoming more bizarre and extreme hard-core.

So OP, what kind of porn is he looking at? If he's looking at stuff that's bizarre, extreme, or humiliating to women that might be an indication of a problem...but if it's just the vanilla type then it may not be an addiction....even though I understand that you may object for religious reasons.

 

[longhairlover]

your right, we are day and night, i've tried with the bible studies, now he's claiming he'll take a study with an elder, I know some women don't mind if their man does this behind their back or lets them know that they do it, BUT for me I don't like it, if he saw me with porn of hot men on my computer and stuff with hot men he would not appreciate it at all, do unto others right.

I find it hard to trust anyone that's doing stuff like this, it does make me a bit paranoid.

i'd def. want him to do therapy by himself and also something for the both of us, i'm starting to feel like we don't know what were doing as a married couple.

LHL, first of all, only you and your dh know what's going on in YOUR relationship. I don't mean to be rude, but you need to block out the naysayers and the people who will try to make you feel like you are wrong. YOU ARE NOT WRONG.

There are several issues at play here, one of which is trust. For that one, counseling is definitely in order, IMO. The second issue is that you're a Christian and he is not (?). If that's true, you're unequally yoked and you're going to have to deal with that as well. Also, your dh will probably need counseling by himself. He's using porn to cope, and once he gives it up, he is probably going to be depressed and withdrawn because his crutch is gone. Addiction is addiction, whether its porn, crack, alcohol, or gambling. It's not about the vice as much as its about the lying, sneaking, and lack of self-control.

Also, you may want to post this in the Christian forum. You will get more support.

 

[longhairlover]

no i've watched it with other guys, i'm not the type to try and please a man but so much , but i've watched it with guys, i'm not anti porn or a super prude either, he said he feels uncomfortable watching it with me or any female (the creep part) I don't see the big deal, and that's the issue I have AND that' it's excessive.

when we first started dating that's all that was on his computer, I would say oh lets watch it but creepy man would be like that's ok..........he'd rather be in his lil' corner bent over like weird one.

O.K. that is different. I can understand where you are coming from. Just being devil's advocate though...maybe he tries to hide it because he knows you don't really like it. He might scared that you're wanting to watch it with him just to please him or that you might get mad while you're watching it.

 

[Odd One]

Maybe the "sneakyness" is not intentional.

Maybe he is keeping it to himself it because he knows that you are not interested in watching porn. Like in his point of view he is trying to do it respectfully.

If he is cutting on time with you/your family to watch porn, and makes porn a priority then there IS a problem.

But in the end, only you know how uncomfortable that makes you in this relationship and only you know if that habit he has could break it.

Have you openly talked to him about it and asked him why he was watching it and why is it hiding from you?

 

[longhairlover]

i've been talking to him for 4 years, he won't stop watching it,

I have confronted him several times and he just claims that "it makes me uncomfortable to watch it with anyone".

i've never known any guy that refuses to watch it with his wife/girlfriend unless she said flat out I hate that stuff. But I have never told him I hate prn.

i've explained to him that I consider it cheating and alot of doctors and Christians consider it the same...cheating.

Maybe the "sneakyness" is not intentional.

Maybe he is keeping it to himself it because he knows that you are not interested in watching porn. Like in his point of view he is trying to do it respectfully.

If he is cutting on time with you/your family to watch porn, and makes porn a priority then there IS a problem.

But in the end, only you know how uncomfortable that makes you in this relationship and only you know if that habit he has could break it.

Have you openly talked to him about it and asked him why he was watching it and why is it hiding from you?

 

[Xerxes]

i'm thinking about it........but then the other side of me just feels like he's a lost cause.

we are going through enough crap, he was just laid off and i'm not working, so it's like why add more crap to the fire.

I try to expose him to some sort of spirituality but he's reluctant, guess that's why he doesn't see any issue with watching prn.

from my research sex addicts and prn addiction is on the top of the list of reasons for divorce.

I didn't get married for divorce, my mother thinks we should try seperation and see what happens from there, but it seems like when most folks seperate they never come back together.

Ok, I don't think your main problem is your husband's porn habit. Neither of you has a job. Your first course of action should be for both of you to go search for employment and stop nagging each other to death about issues that are being exacerbated by your financial status as of late.

Just from the general tone of your posts, I get a sense that your husband is unhappy and is using porn as a familiar coping mechanism to escape you and prevent from fighting/arguing back.

You guys are unequally yoked as another poster pointed out and you should have gone through intense counseling prior to marriage so that you could have avoided all of this. He is not on the same spiritual page as you and he's unhappy, trying to make him feel guilty about his addiction is not going to help. He already feels like an out of work bum, he needs building up. He needs your spiritual support and encouragement, not the brush off or talk about divorce. You married him knowing he didn't love God like you and you should make this unequal marriage work if he wants to keep it going.

He knows you don't want to really watch the porn with him and watching it with you would defeat the purpose. He needs time away from you and he needs to discover a way to express his emotions without the porn. He needs a job and a counselor.

If he were my husband, I'd be looking for a job for myself, avoiding talking online and helping encourage him to do the same. When he feels better about himself, I would gently bring up the idea of free counseling and be as understanding as I can be because it will take time before this situation heals.

I feel sorry for the both of you, but please don't kick and leave this man when he is down. That would be a punk move and you would leave thinking that he was the bad/guilty one and not learn how to change your own ways so you could get in a better relationship anyhow.

In some ways, he might view your time on this site as an addicition similar to his porn. I think you guys have more in common than you might want to admit, so work on yourself (log off of LHCF, find a job) and then offer him help. <playing "Let's Stay Together" and grooving a bit..."let's stay together...when times are good or bad, happy or sad...>

 

[Evolving78]

ok, OP, i am starting to get confused about your dilemma. do you have a problem with the fact that he is being sneaky about and not sharing his porn watching with you? are you saying that with him sneaking around is making you feel like he is cheating? or do you have a moral, spiritually issue with this? do you feel that he is using this as an outlet and that he should find something more productive to do with his time?

i don't think porn is the issue that you are having with you dh. it sounds like you need an excuse to walk out of this marriage and saying your dh has a porn addiction sounds like a good enough reason to leave. the reason why i say this, since you stated you didn't mind him watching it, that you would watch it with him, and that you just don't like the sneaking around part. you also stated that you are dealing with other issues in your marriage. you also stated that you have a good sex life as well. i don't think he has a porn addiction. i think his choice of an outlet is wrong though and i feel like he is not going to give that up just because you don't like it. there is a reason why he is engaging in such activities. and that is what you need to get to the bottom of or find out.

now that your dh is out of work, things are probably getting more crazy in your marriage and home life. does he help around the house more now that he is at home? does he look for work during the day? is he more attentive to you? is he depressed and making you feel miserable as well? has he turned into a bum?

you two need some counseling. marriage counseling.

 

[Evolving78]

Ok, I don't think your main problem is your husband's porn habit. Neither of you has a job. Your first course of action should be for both of you to go search for employment and stop nagging each other to death about issues that are being exacerbated by your financial status as of late.

Just from the general tone of your posts, I get a sense that your husband is unhappy and is using porn as a familiar coping mechanism to escape you and prevent from fighting/arguing back.

You guys are unequally yoked as another poster pointed out and you should have gone through intense counseling prior to marriage so that you could have avoided all of this. He is not on the same spiritual page as you and he's unhappy, trying to make him feel guilty about his addiction is not going to help. He already feels like an out of work bum, he needs building up. He needs your spiritual support and encouragement, not the brush off or talk about divorce. You married him knowing he didn't love God like you and you should make this unequal marriage work if he wants to keep it going.

He knows you don't want to really watch the porn with him and watching it with you would defeat the purpose. He needs time away from you and he needs to discover a way to express his emotions without the porn. He needs a job and a counselor.

If he were my husband, I'd be looking for a job for myself, avoiding talking online and helping encourage him to do the same. When he feels better about himself, I would gently bring up the idea of free counseling and be as understanding as I can be because it will take time before this situation heals.

I feel sorry for the both of you, but please don't kick and leave this man when he is down. That would be a punk move and you would leave thinking that he was the bad/guilty one and not learn how to change your own ways so you could get in a better relationship anyhow.

In some ways, he might view your time on this site as an addicition similar to his porn. I think you guys have more in common than you might want to admit, so work on yourself (log off of LHCF, find a job) and then offer him help. <playing "Let's Stay Together" and grooving a bit..."let's stay together...when times are good or bad, happy or sad...>

we must have been thinking and typing at the same time! i agree with everything you stated

if you truly feel he has an addiction,
here is a test to see if that might be the case. i don't know if he would be willing to take it though!
http://www.no-porn.com/test.html

 

[calmsensual1]

Im sorry, Im not married nor do I have a man so I can't provide much input.

However, my ex had the most annoying porn addiction i've witnessed in my life. I mean porn is alright in my book. But he had trashbags FULL of it. Furthermore, his computer was filled damn near to capacity with it. I mean, I remember I wanted to install a game on his laptop but couldnt because there was so much PORN!! He had all kinds of viruses on that thing too, and didnt even care.

Everytime he had a downloading program open he was D/Ling porn.

Everytime we colored, he had to watch porn.

It was sickening. Im so glad I got out of that.

Sorry, just had to rant.

 

[longhairlover]

I had him take a few tests and he is addicted he's willing to get counseling because he's really starting to see that it's a real issue and i'm about to bounce.

we must have been thinking and typing at the same time! i agree with everything you stated

if you truly feel he has an addiction,
here is a test to see if that might be the case. i don't know if he would be willing to take it though!
http://www.no-porn.com/test.html

 

[longhairlover]

when I first met this one he had porn on his computer like that, his roomates would come to him for "supply" when they were feeling "lonely".

I guess in the beginning of things you don't realize that some things will end up an issue.

Im sorry, Im not married nor do I have a man so I can't provide much input.

However, my ex had the most annoying porn addiction i've witnessed in my life. I mean porn is alright in my book. But he had trashbags FULL of it. Furthermore, his computer was filled damn near to capacity with it. I mean, I remember I wanted to install a game on his laptop but couldnt because there was so much PORN!! He had all kinds of viruses on that thing too, and didnt even care.

Everytime he had a downloading program open he was D/Ling porn.

Everytime we colored, he had to watch porn.

It was sickening. Im so glad I got out of that.

Sorry, just had to rant.

 

[longhairlover]

your right about the job crap, he was just laid off, I work in taxation so I work the tax seasons since I changed careers from investments.

he's looking but at the same time watching porn, we don't have anything to argue about besides the porn crap. I support him in his job search, my job search and support......I dont' get any but that's another post.

he's a very laid back person (guess all the porn keeps him relaxed)

I never said I don't like porn, I never said I wouldn't watch it "with" him, i'm not an uptight chick.

i'm not on this site constant either, I just had to vent. i'm not getting off on seeing other men sexually so no addiction over here.

we look for jobs my work is seasonal, we have money stashed so were good. he does his job searches and I do mine, we interview when interviews come up but if you remember were in a bad economy hence the reason why he was laid off. and why my work has become limited to seasonal.

so were not bums, i'm not nagging him BUT at the same time regardless of what's going on i'm not accepting of his sneaky behavior and porn.

there's no need to escape me when I don't bother the man, i'm VERY supportive with him and his career, he has done very well for himself because of my support and pushing him to go to the next limit career wise.

Ok, I don't think your main problem is your husband's porn habit. Neither of you has a job. Your first course of action should be for both of you to go search for employment and stop nagging each other to death about issues that are being exacerbated by your financial status as of late.

Just from the general tone of your posts, I get a sense that your husband is unhappy and is using porn as a familiar coping mechanism to escape you and prevent from fighting/arguing back.

You guys are unequally yoked as another poster pointed out and you should have gone through intense counseling prior to marriage so that you could have avoided all of this. He is not on the same spiritual page as you and he's unhappy, trying to make him feel guilty about his addiction is not going to help. He already feels like an out of work bum, he needs building up. He needs your spiritual support and encouragement, not the brush off or talk about divorce. You married him knowing he didn't love God like you and you should make this unequal marriage work if he wants to keep it going.

He knows you don't want to really watch the porn with him and watching it with you would defeat the purpose. He needs time away from you and he needs to discover a way to express his emotions without the porn. He needs a job and a counselor.

If he were my husband, I'd be looking for a job for myself, avoiding talking online and helping encourage him to do the same. When he feels better about himself, I would gently bring up the idea of free counseling and be as understanding as I can be because it will take time before this situation heals.

I feel sorry for the both of you, but please don't kick and leave this man when he is down. That would be a punk move and you would leave thinking that he was the bad/guilty one and not learn how to change your own ways so you could get in a better relationship anyhow.

In some ways, he might view your time on this site as an addicition similar to his porn. I think you guys have more in common than you might want to admit, so work on yourself (log off of LHCF, find a job) and then offer him help. <playing "Let's Stay Together" and grooving a bit..."let's stay together...when times are good or bad, happy or sad...>

 

[longhairlover]

WRONG! i'm not looking for an excuse the porn has been irritating me for 4 years. now it makes it sneaky because i've tried to offer to watch it with him therefore making it a couple thing but he feels uncomfortable making the situation creepy and pervert like.

it is considered cheating.

and yeah he should find something more productive to do with his spare time.

yes other issues in life such as careers and a bad economy.

he helps around the house with grunts, besides the porn sneaking I don't bother him obviously I don't bother him the porn has been on his computer since April up until a couple of days ago.

he has an addiction he admitted it, it's a habit he started when he was a teen and can't stop.

neither one of us have turned into a bum, were still normal and not arguing, he has interviews for good jobs but competition is fierce for folks in finance even though he's working on him mba. i'm working on my masters in taxation as well. so were not stressed or arguing besides this.

other issues such as my newly diagnosed hyper thyroid disease that thank God I have under control after a few months of treatment, his high cholesterol and weight etc. but other than that we have a good relationship and were close.

ok, OP, i am starting to get confused about your dilemma. do you have a problem with the fact that he is being sneaky about and not sharing his porn watching with you? are you saying that with him sneaking around is making you feel like he is cheating? or do you have a moral, spiritually issue with this? do you feel that he is using this as an outlet and that he should find something more productive to do with his time?

i don't think porn is the issue that you are having with you dh. it sounds like you need an excuse to walk out of this marriage and saying your dh has a porn addiction sounds like a good enough reason to leave. the reason why i say this, since you stated you didn't mind him watching it, that you would watch it with him, and that you just don't like the sneaking around part. you also stated that you are dealing with other issues in your marriage. you also stated that you have a good sex life as well. i don't think he has a porn addiction. i think his choice of an outlet is wrong though and i feel like he is not going to give that up just because you don't like it. there is a reason why he is engaging in such activities. and that is what you need to get to the bottom of or find out.

now that your dh is out of work, things are probably getting more crazy in your marriage and home life. does he help around the house more now that he is at home? does he look for work during the day? is he more attentive to you? is he depressed and making you feel miserable as well? has he turned into a bum?

you two need some counseling. marriage counseling.

 

[sunshinelady]

Is this really about him not being as Christian as you are? This seems to go deeper than porn for you not him.

 

[jamaicalovely]

I will keep you in my thoughts!! I am sorry that you are going through this. What you would have to do is do a self-inventory and decide if you want to continue in this marriage, regardless if you think his decision is a lost cause. If you feel that you want to keep this marriage then I would suggest a third party, preferibly a sex therapist and if things don't look up, then you have exhausted all causes.

What I found significant is that he started using porn more when he was single for a long period of time. It sounds like he is still using porn as an unhealthy means of escapism or play time. He would need to find healthier means for escapism and find some hobbies. The porn addiction is never about sex, it is about compulsions is a sympton of a deeper issue for most people.

This is it right here. My prayers are with you because this is a hard thing to go through. I strongly encourage counseling.

 

[Lenee925]

I don't think I'll ever understand people's sensitivity about porn

To each their own I suppose....

According to some people's standards I guess I'd be considered the porn addicted spouse

i don't recall ever saying the bolded

I took the bolded to mean you were talking about OP but if not, once again I'm sorry. I'm not going to roll my eyes at you because I've always liked your posts and also because there's enough attitude to go around from all us women-folk Like I said the porn thing is a hot issue around here; like religion or politics...very interesting indeed.

 

[Lenee925]

I never said I don't like porn, I never said I wouldn't watch it "with" him, i'm not an uptight chick.

i'm not on this site constant either, I just had to vent. i'm not getting off on seeing other men sexually so no addiction over here.

.

I think you could repeat this a minimum of 500 times and you'd still get "religious fanatic", "you have deeper issues" etc. I'm a libra so I'm all about seeing both sides. I try not to project my own views into the advice people seek. Keyword: TRY. I'm not perfect but as you have noticed with your thread, LHCF is full of interesting conundrums. Good luck to you and remember you're responsible for your own level of joy and respect.

 

[pattycake0701]

OP...please seek counseling. You are not being prudish, you are not projecting your issues on him. Porn addiction is real...folks have lost relationships, jobs, and screwed up finances over it.

 

[1QTPie]

I hope that you two can work it out and that you both seek marriage counseling. I dated someone with a severe porn addiction. It affected our sex life eventually. (And I am a fan.) He too had a computer that was 200 GB of pure PORN! And it wasn't lightweight, it was degrading, humiliating and extreme. It got more extreme the longer we were together. It also had nothing to do with me.

I just hope that you don't think that his addiction has anything to do with you. That's all I really wanted to add. You know him better than us so you would know when it's a problem before any of us so I'll take your word for it.

Hope you can nip it in the bud.

 

[growth2come]

I have read about this kind of thing ending marriages....but I hope you atleast try helping help together and talk these issues out with a profession before throwing in the towel.

 

[Evolving78]

Now we have a healthy sex life and what I thought a decent marriage, but I guess it's just not enough for him, each time I catch him he apologizes and says he'll stop. Now from a Christian stand point it's considered cheating even if some people dont' think it's that serious.

Well I feel it's that serious and i'm just wondering how would you ladies handle this issue in your marriage/relationship?

I'm ready for him to go, it's like how many times must you be caught? I have lost trust in him as a spouse and I feel like when will he take it to actually having a physical affair with a woman.

i'm thinking about it........but then the other side of me just feels like he's a lost cause.

{b]we are going through enough crap, he was just laid off and i'm not working, so it's like why add more crap to the fire.

I try to expose him to some sort of spirituality but he's reluctant, guess that's why he doesn't see any issue with watching prn.

this is a habit he started when he was younger, and then after college he had a drought in the ladies dept so porn was his friend, but what he doesn't get is that right now he's married and addiction excuse or not, he shouldn't be watching the crap.

I mean from the dates I saw from the downloads it looks like it's weekly (sometimes every other day) so I guess it's excessive, but the thing is he sneaks and looks at it, there have been times where I said "hey lets watch it together, some couples do that" but he doesn't want to, said he feels uncomfortable I find that weird and it truly shows me he's a creep.

I may try the counseling just to see if that helps him. I have asked him if anything has ever happened to him as a child he claims no, but I feel like he only thinks woman are sex objects, now that I look back everything with him is prn related like I had my face made up at a chanel counter and what's the first thing he says "you look like a porn star" I mean it's crowded him mind away from reality.

your right about the job crap, he was just laid off, I work in taxation so I work the tax seasons since I changed careers from investments.

he's looking but at the same time watching porn, we don't have anything to argue about besides the porn crap. I support him in his job search, my job search and support......I dont' get any but that's another post.

he's a very laid back person (guess all the porn keeps him relaxed)

I never said I don't like porn, I never said I wouldn't watch it "with" him, i'm not an uptight chick.

i'm not on this site constant either, I just had to vent. i'm not getting off on seeing other men sexually so no addiction over here.

we look for jobs my work is seasonal, we have money stashed so were good. he does his job searches and I do mine, we interview when interviews come up but if you remember were in a bad economy hence the reason why he was laid off. and why my work has become limited to seasonal.

so were not bums, i'm not nagging him BUT at the same time regardless of what's going on i'm not accepting of his sneaky behavior and porn.

there's no need to escape me when I don't bother the man, i'm VERY supportive with him and his career, he has done very well for himself because of my support and pushing him to go to the next limit career wise.

WRONG! i'm not looking for an excuse the porn has been irritating me for 4 years. now it makes it sneaky because i've tried to offer to watch it with him therefore making it a couple thing but he feels uncomfortable making the situation creepy and pervert like.

it is considered cheating.

and yeah he should find something more productive to do with his spare time.

yes other issues in life such as careers and a bad economy.

he helps around the house with grunts, besides the porn sneaking I don't bother him obviously I don't bother him the porn has been on his computer since April up until a couple of days ago.

he has an addiction he admitted it, it's a habit he started when he was a teen and can't stop.

neither one of us have turned into a bum, were still normal and not arguing, he has interviews for good jobs but competition is fierce for folks in finance even though he's working on him mba. i'm working on my masters in taxation as well. so were not stressed or arguing besides this.

other issues such as my newly diagnosed hyper thyroid disease that thank God I have under control after a few months of treatment, his high cholesterol and weight etc. but other than that we have a good relationship and were close.

i am just trying to understand where you are coming from. you really don't seem to have a "For or Against attitude" about the situation. one minute you want to leave and feels this is a form of cheating, then next thing you are ok with it as long as he doesn't sneak and do it. i guess the porn watching is something you are cool with, but you have a problem when he does it alone? why do you feel it turns in to something creepy when he doesn't watch it in your presence?

you admitted that your spouse has a serious problem that was before your time, so this isn't about you, your marriage, or even other women. porn addiction is something deeper than any of those things or people. he needs to seek a rehablitation/treament program. admitting that he has a problem is the first step. he is not going to be able to do this on his own cold turkey. he needs help. have you two checked out any group therapy sessions in your area?

because he has identified having an addiction to porn, you can't condone any of it, in your presence or not. you don't want to be a codependent or an enabler. you can't be a fence sitter on the idea that porn is ok as long as it is a couple's activity and done in moderation. that is like saying it is ok to be with other women as long as i know about it. cheating is cheating(of you believe porn is a form of cheating). it is all black and white. don't allow or give an opportunity for him to create a wondering eye in your presence, especially if he is sick and needs help. it is the same thing as being on drugs or any other addiction, and should be treated as such.

I am sorry to hear about you and your spouse's health. i am glad that you having things under control. please don't allow this to continue to stress you out. this problem is bigger than you and he needs outside assistance to get the help that he needs. there are a few websites that can help him online and he can get an accountability partner. if you need to, change the passwords on the computer or take the computer out of the house completely. get rid of the cable, or block out channels/ get a passcode, get cut up his credit cards and give him cash only. if he wants to spend it on buying porn then he will make the choice of being broke the rest of the time. he needs to go meets every week or have someone he can call if he is starting to have urges. this is a very big deal. i pray he is healed!

i want to share this article/interview with Kirk Franklin about his past porn addiction and how he overcame it.
http://www.cbn.com/700club/guests/interviews/kirkfranklin_scottross_042004.aspx

 

[melodies815]

Can I just say something?

Imagine this?

You are a wife...married to a man who will not talk to you...

And on your way home from work every day, you see billboard after billboard of ads claiming that there are men waiting to listen to you...to hear your side of the problem, whatever it is...to sympathize with you on any and every issue.

This man will laugh at your jokes, respond to what you are saying beyond, "Um hmmm," and will ask relevant questions as you get deeper into conversation...

All you have to do is call a 1-900# for 2.99 a minute....

You might avoid making the call for a while, but I can almost guarantee that after a few months of these in-your-face messages, you'd either call or find a new drive home where you would not have to be reminded of what you feel you are not getting at home. After all, why not? You don't know this person. They are not harming your marriage. You're just talking with someone who will listen. You're even taking the strain off of your husband who you feel doesn't to talk anyway.

After a few months, your husband actually asks you if you are having an affair. He notices that you don't even come to him anymore, and while he is not exactly like you, he can tell something is wrong on the communication end.

You can answer in the affirmative that you are not having an affair. It's not cheating to just talk to someone. Right? Right?

Well....this puts a new spin on things, huh?

Every day, men are presented with images that are right up their visual alley.

What if we were daily presented with something right up our emotional alley? How many of us would be "faithful?"

Personally, I think it is more healthy to be understanding of what they are struggling with as our brothers in Christ (though they are our husbands) and then to encourage them to do what pleases Christ.

You mentioned that you are Christians. Well, if this is the case, the ONLY thing that can change the heart of mankind is the love of Christ....not the threat of divorce or some other consequence. If you have not tried this...first changing you in the light and love of the Lord...then please try this.

See if DH is trying and is stuck. If he is trying to be free and finds himself stuck in a hard situation, I would recommend staying by his side if you can do it. This is such a lonely walk to gain freedom from sexual addiction. It also requires discernment because there may be days when he is so overwhelmed by what seems to be futile that he wants to give up and you take the brunt end of his sadness. There may be days when you are the only only one praying or being kind and he is just a plain old hot mess. Are you that strong in the Lord? Do you even want to be? Are you willing to stay for the possibility of sunlight with him? Remember, Christ DIED for us while we were yet in sin!!! What a powerful and humbling testimony!!! How can we turn from someone who is just like the thief on the cross and deny them paradise? Still...there were TWO thieves...one who ended up with Christ even though he had committed sin and another who didn't have the right heart...

Porn is debilitating and men (and women) are usually deeply ashamed of what they are doing...but if they have a long-term habit, it doesn't get better with time and they will find it takes them further than they mean to go. I'm not trying to tell you what to do because only you know your situation...but I am saying that we live in a society (internationally) where its easier to go than to stay...easier to leave than to give frail human beings the same chance to change that we would want if we were in the exact same situation.

I don't know.....it's tough...but I believe with all my heart that mercy and love trump all the cards we have in our hand!

That being said...the person has to WANT mercy and God's precious love. There is a distinct difference between the one wanting mercy and the one who is taking advantage of kindness - both yours and the Lord's. Only God knows how to figure that one out, but He will guide you if you are seeking His guidance. He has guided me. He has guided my husband. We have given grace and mercy to one another, and without the loe and grace and mercy we have CHOSEN to show one another in Christ Jesus, we would be divorced right now.

I am not yet allowed to go into detail about our marriage because DH has not given me permission, but I can say that we have both been shown the grace of God. We have both given to one another for all kinds of sin and all kinds of reasons. Some days, he has been the one carrying the load. Other days, I have been the one. Without both of us, we would be divorced.

I believe with all my heart that grace and mercy and the love of the Lord work. Some days, that looks like a hug while the other sobs in our arms. Other days, that might look like World War VII. Only the Lord can guide us through what our individual paths of grace and mercy look like.

The tears will be worth it, dear one, if you do decide to stay...even if you are the only one to want to work it out. God is faithful like that.

I do hope that something I have written has encouraged you and has not added to any confusion.

The Lord bless and keep you and your husband.

Christi

 

[longhairlover]

i'm trying to make sure that I remain secure about the porn because it is making me feel a tad bit insecure and inferior, i'm fighting to make sure I don't start to bug out and question myself.

but counseling most def. he said he will do it, we are in our second year of marriage and it's tough learing someone etc.

so keeping fingers crossed,

I hope that you two can work it out and that you both seek marriage counseling. I dated someone with a severe porn addiction. It affected our sex life eventually. (And I am a fan.) He too had a computer that was 200 GB of pure PORN! And it wasn't lightweight, it was degrading, humiliating and extreme. It got more extreme the longer we were together. It also had nothing to do with me.

I just hope that you don't think that his addiction has anything to do with you. That's all I really wanted to add. You know him better than us so you would know when it's a problem before any of us so I'll take your word for it.

Hope you can nip it in the bud.

 

[longhairlover]

my hubby's a libra and i'm a virgo so I guess that's automatic conflict + porn and the libra being difficult and hard headed.

*I love libras though....

I think you could repeat this a minimum of 500 times and you'd still get "religious fanatic", "you have deeper issues" etc. I'm a libra so I'm all about seeing both sides. I try not to project my own views into the advice people seek. Keyword: TRY. I'm not perfect but as you have noticed with your thread, LHCF is full of interesting conundrums. Good luck to you and remember you're responsible for your own level of joy and respect.

 

[longhairlover]

I have mixed emotions and that's why i'm back and forth in my posts, i'm not a religious fanatic but I do love God very much. I love him very much but the porn stuff really aggravates me and i'm sure it would some women, It's like I have an issue with the hiding it, i've dated guys that were open about it and even if it's weird I felt better with the openess, I hate the sneaking even if it is his thing why don't he go play sports or something.

I've tried to say i'll watch with you but it's his dirty secret so that part annoys me as well because again it's the hidden dark secret. From what i've read most counselors consider it an addiction when people are secretive with it.

it's funny my mom told me about Kirk Franklins addiction to porn before it hit me that my husband was addicted, I will definitely read it and thank you.

i've stopped fussing at him about it because I don't want an uncomfortable home life, since i'm a techie I found a good free software where you can manage the computer network and block any adult and ill will sites, he doesn't know nor will he be able to figure out the password and he doesn't know it's on him computer, I tested it and you can't get to any porn sites. I don't want to have to treat him like a child but as a couple some changes need to be made, he agreed to counseling and i'm going to have him read and join some of the free online counseling sites.

thank you again for your words.

Now we have a healthy sex life and what I thought a decent marriage, but I guess it's just not enough for him, each time I catch him he apologizes and says he'll stop. Now from a Christian stand point it's considered cheating even if some people dont' think it's that serious.

Well I feel it's that serious and i'm just wondering how would you ladies handle this issue in your marriage/relationship?

I'm ready for him to go, it's like how many times must you be caught? I have lost trust in him as a spouse and I feel like when will he take it to actually having a physical affair with a woman.












i am just trying to understand where you are coming from. you really don't seem to have a "For or Against attitude" about the situation. one minute you want to leave and feels this is a form of cheating, then next thing you are ok with it as long as he doesn't sneak and do it. i guess the porn watching is something you are cool with, but you have a problem when he does it alone? why do you feel it turns in to something creepy when he doesn't watch it in your presence?

you admitted that your spouse has a serious problem that was before your time, so this isn't about you, your marriage, or even other women. porn addiction is something deeper than any of those things or people. he needs to seek a rehablitation/treament program. admitting that he has a problem is the first step. he is not going to be able to do this on his own cold turkey. he needs help. have you two checked out any group therapy sessions in your area?

because he has identified having an addiction to porn, you can't condone any of it, in your presence or not. you don't want to be a codependent or an enabler. you can't be a fence sitter on the idea that porn is ok as long as it is a couple's activity and done in moderation. that is like saying it is ok to be with other women as long as i know about it. cheating is cheating(of you believe porn is a form of cheating). it is all black and white. don't allow or give an opportunity for him to create a wondering eye in your presence, especially if he is sick and needs help. it is the same thing as being on drugs or any other addiction, and should be treated as such.

I am sorry to hear about you and your spouse's health. i am glad that you having things under control. please don't allow this to continue to stress you out. this problem is bigger than you and he needs outside assistance to get the help that he needs. there are a few websites that can help him online and he can get an accountability partner. if you need to, change the passwords on the computer or take the computer out of the house completely. get rid of the cable, or block out channels/ get a passcode, get cut up his credit cards and give him cash only. if he wants to spend it on buying porn then he will make the choice of being broke the rest of the time. he needs to go meets every week or have someone he can call if he is starting to have urges. this is a very big deal. i pray he is healed!

i want to share this article/interview with Kirk Franklin about his past porn addiction and how he overcame it.
http://www.cbn.com/700club/guests/interviews/kirkfranklin_scottross_042004.aspx

 

[longhairlover]

no it's not 100% about him being Christian, i'm in the middle with religion not fanatic or anything but I have my beliefs, i'd like to bring religion into the house for both of us but he's a bit reluctant when I mention it. as soon as i'm ready to set up studies he gets this scared look in his face, even though I tell him it's just studies and that he doesn't have to become a darn evangelist or high priest.

Is this really about him not being as Christian as you are? This seems to go deeper than porn for you not him.

 

[longhairlover]

thank you for your example, we are all weak to temptations i'd assume I guess some more than others, and your right that something one may see as innocent may actually be considered cheating.

I sat him down and explained this to him, in the past i'd say what I felt and leave it as that, this time I fully explained why i'm so offended and why it's wrong, I don't care what he did when he was single, I know he was alone for a long time and used porn as his friend but I tell him your married now and this has to change we have to get counseling and I want to bring bible studies into our home just so he can learn why these things are considered bad from a spiritual perspective,

I feel bad jumping to the divorce bandwagon as soon as something upsets me, that is my flaw and I have to learn to stop with the divorce mess as well.

and your right, I use to think some of my bible study teachers were crazy when I was younger by saying stay away from certain music and tv, but now I see why they feel that way, all you see on tv is model type women half naked, so soft porn is everywhere its' up to him to fight the urges and I know it won't be overnight but I will try to be the good friend and spouse that I try to be everyday.

your words have encouraged me and touched my heart deeply, your examples of both giving in to the Lord and making it through make alot of sense, besides this flaw he has a loving and caring heart, I will give it some time and counseling and spiritual counseling for the both of us.

thank you so much.

Can I just say something?

Imagine this?

You are a wife...married to a man who will not talk to you...

And on your way home from work every day, you see billboard after billboard of ads claiming that there are men waiting to listen to you...to hear your side of the problem, whatever it is...to sympathize with you on any and every issue.

This man will laugh at your jokes, respond to what you are saying beyond, "Um hmmm," and will ask relevant questions as you get deeper into conversation...

All you have to do is call a 1-900# for 2.99 a minute....

You might avoid making the call for a while, but I can almost guarantee that after a few months of these in-your-face messages, you'd either call or find a new drive home where you would not have to be reminded of what you feel you are not getting at home. After all, why not? You don't know this person. They are not harming your marriage. You're just talking with someone who will listen. You're even taking the strain off of your husband who you feel doesn't to talk anyway.

After a few months, your husband actually asks you if you are having an affair. He notices that you don't even come to him anymore, and while he is not exactly like you, he can tell something is wrong on the communication end.

You can answer in the affirmative that you are not having an affair. It's not cheating to just talk to someone. Right? Right?

Well....this puts a new spin on things, huh?

Every day, men are presented with images that are right up their visual alley.

What if we were daily presented with something right up our emotional alley? How many of us would be "faithful?"

Personally, I think it is more healthy to be understanding of what they are struggling with as our brothers in Christ (though they are our husbands) and then to encourage them to do what pleases Christ.

You mentioned that you are Christians. Well, if this is the case, the ONLY thing that can change the heart of mankind is the love of Christ....not the threat of divorce or some other consequence. If you have not tried this...first changing you in the light and love of the Lord...then please try this.

See if DH is trying and is stuck. If he is trying to be free and finds himself stuck in a hard situation, I would recommend staying by his side if you can do it. This is such a lonely walk to gain freedom from sexual addiction. It also requires discernment because there may be days when he is so overwhelmed by what seems to be futile that he wants to give up and you take the brunt end of his sadness. There may be days when you are the only only one praying or being kind and he is just a plain old hot mess. Are you that strong in the Lord? Do you even want to be? Are you willing to stay for the possibility of sunlight with him? Remember, Christ DIED for us while we were yet in sin!!! What a powerful and humbling testimony!!! How can we turn from someone who is just like the thief on the cross and deny them paradise? Still...there were TWO thieves...one who ended up with Christ even though he had committed sin and another who didn't have the right heart...

Porn is debilitating and men (and women) are usually deeply ashamed of what they are doing...but if they have a long-term habit, it doesn't get better with time and they will find it takes them further than they mean to go. I'm not trying to tell you what to do because only you know your situation...but I am saying that we live in a society (internationally) where its easier to go than to stay...easier to leave than to give frail human beings the same chance to change that we would want if we were in the exact same situation.

I don't know.....it's tough...but I believe with all my heart that mercy and love trump all the cards we have in our hand!

That being said...the person has to WANT mercy and God's precious love. There is a distinct difference between the one wanting mercy and the one who is taking advantage of kindness - both yours and the Lord's. Only God knows how to figure that one out, but He will guide you if you are seeking His guidance. He has guided me. He has guided my husband. We have given grace and mercy to one another, and without the loe and grace and mercy we have CHOSEN to show one another in Christ Jesus, we would be divorced right now.

I am not yet allowed to go into detail about our marriage because DH has not given me permission, but I can say that we have both been shown the grace of God. We have both given to one another for all kinds of sin and all kinds of reasons. Some days, he has been the one carrying the load. Other days, I have been the one. Without both of us, we would be divorced.

I believe with all my heart that grace and mercy and the love of the Lord work. Some days, that looks like a hug while the other sobs in our arms. Other days, that might look like World War VII. Only the Lord can guide us through what our individual paths of grace and mercy look like.

The tears will be worth it, dear one, if you do decide to stay...even if you are the only one to want to work it out. God is faithful like that.

I do hope that something I have written has encouraged you and has not added to any confusion.

The Lord bless and keep you and your husband.

Christi