P*rn Addicted Spouse

longhairlover

longhairlover

New Member
Now at first I just thought it's something that men do sometimes, but after 4 years and still catching my SO having prn hidden on his computer I realize there is an issue and it may be time for a seperation.

I just caught him yet again with prn on the computer, I was using his computer to upload a video and when I clicked to choose my file for upload tons of prn popped up!

Now for 4 years i've caught him with this crap on the computer normally my computer, I just tried to trust him and didn't mind if he bought his own computer for school (online courses).

Now we have a healthy sex life and what I thought a decent marriage, but I guess it's just not enough for him, each time I catch him he apologizes and says he'll stop. Now from a Christian stand point it's considered cheating even if some people dont' think it's that serious.

Well I feel it's that serious and i'm just wondering how would you ladies handle this issue in your marriage/relationship?

I'm ready for him to go, it's like how many times must you be caught? I have lost trust in him as a spouse and I feel like when will he take it to actually having a physical affair with a woman.

Sad and lonely. :perplexed
 
i'm thinking about it........but then the other side of me just feels like he's a lost cause.

we are going through enough crap, he was just laid off and i'm not working, so it's like why add more crap to the fire.

I try to expose him to some sort of spirituality but he's reluctant, guess that's why he doesn't see any issue with watching prn.

from my research sex addicts and prn addiction is on the top of the list of reasons for divorce.

I didn't get married for divorce, my mother thinks we should try seperation and see what happens from there, but it seems like when most folks seperate they never come back together.



danibeeja_gyal said:
have you guys tried counseling?
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You have to take care of you. Set your demands and be prepared for his response negative or positive.

He has an addiction do NOT make a mistake and call it something else or explain it away. You have had 4 years to come to this conclusion.

I pray that this was the only thing hidden from you. Keeping you and your husband in prayer.
 
i'm thinking about it, guess maybe I should try it and then see what happens from there.

this is a habit he started when he was younger, and then after college he had a drought in the ladies dept so porn was his friend, but what he doesn't get is that right now he's married and addiction excuse or not, he shouldn't be watching the crap.




*CoCoChanel* said:
Have you thought about marriage counseling? Then if that doesn't work, serve him those papers!
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yeah it finally has hit me that this is an addiction and not just something men do, which I don't think any man should do that is married with a full time woman in the house.

he's like he knows it's wrong......BUT then why are you still doing it?

I should've known that a decent educated black man with no jail time or kids would have some sort of mental problems too good to be true.



mscocoface said:
You have to take care of you. Set your demands and be prepared for his response negative or positive.

He has an addiction do NOT make a mistake and call it something else or explain it away. You have had 4 years to come to this conclusion.

I pray that this was the only thing hidden from you. Keeping you and your husband in prayer.
Click to expand...
 
Hang in there honey. You two have to be completely open, honest and raw with each other about this issue. He may need to talk to a counselor individually as well as you two talking to someone as a couple.

If you want him and your marriage fight for it, but just know that you may hear things that could be very distubing about his childhood and things that are current.

Make sure you know what you want to do. Set the boundaries and ground rules for yourself and go from there.
 
Is it an excessive amount as in he watches it daily? My husband watches porn sometimes and we are pretty open about it. I don't mind as long as it is not too excessive. However, since it is something that is a deal breaker for you, I would suggest you two go for marital counseling and find a counselor experienced in helping people with porn addiction (don't just go to any counselor). There are numerous books on porn addiction and probably support groups for porn addiction as well.

If your husband is a good man otherwise, I personally think you should fight for your marriage. He has to be willing to fight for the marriage as well. Once those divorce papers are signed that's it, but you have to do what's best for you.
 
I mean from the dates I saw from the downloads it looks like it's weekly (sometimes every other day) so I guess it's excessive, but the thing is he sneaks and looks at it, there have been times where I said "hey lets watch it together, some couples do that" but he doesn't want to, said he feels uncomfortable I find that weird and it truly shows me he's a creep.

I may try the counseling just to see if that helps him. I have asked him if anything has ever happened to him as a child he claims no, but I feel like he only thinks woman are sex objects, now that I look back everything with him is prn related like I had my face made up at a chanel counter and what's the first thing he says "you look like a porn star" I mean it's crowded him mind away from reality.




spelmanlocks said:
Is it an excessive amount as in he watches it daily? My husband watches porn sometimes and we are pretty open about it. I don't mind as long as it is not too excessive. However, since it is something that is a deal breaker for you, I would suggest you two go for marital counseling and find a counselor experienced in helping people with porn addiction (don't just go to any counselor). There are numerous books on porn addiction and probably support groups for porn addiction as well.

If your husband is a good man otherwise, I personally think you should fight for your marriage. He has to be willing to fight for the marriage as well. Once those divorce papers are signed that's it, but you have to do what's best for you.
Click to expand...
 
I will keep you in my thoughts!! I am sorry that you are going through this. What you would have to do is do a self-inventory and decide if you want to continue in this marriage, regardless if you think his decision is a lost cause. If you feel that you want to keep this marriage then I would suggest a third party, preferibly a sex therapist and if things don't look up, then you have exhausted all causes.

What I found significant is that he started using porn more when he was single for a long period of time. It sounds like he is still using porn as an unhealthy means of escapism or play time. He would need to find healthier means for escapism and find some hobbies. The porn addiction is never about sex, it is about compulsions is a sympton of a deeper issue for most people.
 
I'm not married but I wouldn't call it quits as of yet.

I say a serious sit down and talk needs to happen with a very open and candid talk to get to the root of the issue.

Marriage is work and I've seen so many fail for things that are petty and could be worked out.
So get your DH and talkkkkkkkkkkk counseling if necessary and from there do what you think is best.

Best wishes.
 
your right about porn being a deeper cause.
I have read on many sex addicts/prn addicts counseling sites and some men say that they watch it to escape a nagging wife or a spouse girlfriend that doesn't always want to put out, now life comes with different issues and i'm not always going to be into having sex, but that shouldn't mean that he goes into his little imaginary corner watching this crap.

I give him more than enough sx anymore and i'd have to be in sex anonymous. I don't know if he does it because he's stressed out because he was recently laid off, but some of the dates of the prn are from before he was laid off, he can't expect me not to argue with him when he drops food on the floor and doesn't clean up behind himself and does other annoying things, that just wouldn't be real if I ignored those things.

I showed him articles to read that explain just how unhealthy prn addiction is, I think he understands now but we need spiritual and regular counseling,

he was single without a woman for 5-7 years something like that, and that's when he was in his early 20's after college, so while everyone else was dating around and mingling he was hidden in a room with internet prn. he said he wasnt secure with himself enough to meet human women.




sigh


prettynatural said:
I will keep you in my thoughts!! I am sorry that you are going through this. What you would have to do is do a self-inventory and decide if you want to continue in this marriage, regardless if you think his decision is a lost cause. If you feel that you want to keep this marriage then I would suggest a third party, preferibly a sex therapist and if things don't look up, then you have exhausted all causes.

What I found significant is that he started using porn more when he was single for a long period of time. It sounds like he is still using porn as an unhealthy means of escapism or play time. He would need to find healthier means for escapism and find some hobbies. The porn addiction is never about sex, it is about compulsions is a sympton of a deeper issue for most people.
Click to expand...
 
longhairlover said:
Now at first I just thought it's something that men do sometimes, but after 4 years and still catching my SO having prn hidden on his computer I realize there is an issue and it may be time for a seperation.

I just caught him yet again with prn on the computer, I was using his computer to upload a video and when I clicked to choose my file for upload tons of prn popped up!

Now for 4 years i've caught him with this crap on the computer normally my computer, I just tried to trust him and didn't mind if he bought his own computer for school (online courses).

Now we have a healthy sex life and what I thought a decent marriage, but I guess it's just not enough for him, each time I catch him he apologizes and says he'll stop. Now from a Christian stand point it's considered cheating even if some people dont' think it's that serious.

Well I feel it's that serious and i'm just wondering how would you ladies handle this issue in your marriage/relationship?

I'm ready for him to go, it's like how many times must you be caught? I have lost trust in him as a spouse and I feel like when will he take it to actually having a physical affair with a woman.

Sad and lonely. :perplexed
Click to expand...

TON3X tweeted about this (yes I found these "no mo po" aka no more porn movement links on twitter) :)

I recommend this program/online class:

This 12 step group is the best http://www.sexaa.org/

This is a program geared at Pornography to help people get free. http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/way-of-purity/ .
 
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thank you soooo much, what's missing in him is the Lord, he wasn't raised spiritual at all I was, and it's a battle between good and bad in our relationship which is also stress. I'm going to try one more time with him and the bible studies and i'll try counseling too.

I really do love and care about him and his well being. I will have him look at the 12 step group.



creolesugarface said:
TON3X tweeted about this (yes I found these "no mo po" aka no more porn movement links on twitter) :)

I recommend this program/online class:

This 12 step group is the best http://www.sexaa.org/

This is a program geared at Pornography to help people get free. http://bit.ly/8zCL9 .
Click to expand...
 
I don't think I'll ever understand people's sensitivity about porn :confused:

To each their own I suppose....

According to some people's standards I guess I'd be considered the porn addicted spouse :look:
 
barbiesocialite said:
I don't think I'll ever understand people's sensitivity about porn :confused:

To each their own I suppose....

According to some people's standards I guess I'd be considered the porn addicted spouse :look:
Click to expand...

How is she sensitive about porn when she just told us that she's asked him several times to watch it together and he says "no"? LOL This isn't an anti-porn thing. It's an issue of self-control and balance. Human beings can and will make damn near anything excessive. It becomes a problem when you hide from your loved ones and shut them out like a weirdo.
 
Lenee925 said:
How is she sensitive about porn when she just told us that she's asked him several times to watch it together and he says "no"? LOL This isn't an anti-porn thing. It's an issue of self-control and balance. Human beings can and will make damn near anything excessive. It becomes a problem when you hide from your loved ones and shut them out like a weirdo.
Click to expand...

I understand that it's a deal breaker for longhairlover and as such she has every right to end the marriage because of this. :yep:

But as an answer to why someone wouldn't want to watch it together with his spouse - most of us need some alone sex from time to time... It's more of a stress reliever than anything else. (Which seems to be true in this case since it has accelerated after husband was laid off.) And if one already knows the wife/husband isn't into porn why would you want to watch it together? Especially if it's a sore issue as in OP's case...

IMO it's not excessive to watch porn every week or even a few minutes every day, but to each their own :yep:

It doesn't have to mean that you had some weird stuff happen to you as a child...
 
FlowerHair said:
I understand that it's a deal breaker for longhairlover and as such she has every right to end the marriage because of this. :yep:

But as an answer to why someone wouldn't want to watch it together with his spouse - most of us need some alone sex from time to time... It's more of a stress reliever than anything else. (Which seems to be true in this case since it has accelerated after husband was laid off.) And if one already knows the wife/husband isn't into porn why would you want to watch it together? Especially if it's a sore issue as in OP's case...

IMO it's not excessive to watch porn every week or even a few minutes every day, but to each their own :yep:

It doesn't have to mean that you had some weird stuff happen to you as a child...
Click to expand...

I don't think I read she wasn't into porn. I also don't think I implied that her man "had weird stuff happen as a child". But if I did sorry OP. 'Alone time' is fine, great and good. However, she says he was doing this before the lay off so I have to take what she says and not over analyze it. She feels it's excessive and it's threatening her marriage. Those are the facts. She needs our support in realizing it's not wrong for some women to feel uncomfortable with different habits. OP: the only thing that matters is YOUR happiness. This is a sensitive issue for many, I hope you get peace soon.
 
Lenee925 said:
I don't think I read she wasn't into porn. I also don't think I implied that her man "had weird stuff happen as a child". But if I did sorry OP. 'Alone time' is fine, great and good. However, she says he was doing this before the lay off so I have to take what she says and not over analyze it. She feels it's excessive and it's threatening her marriage. Those are the facts. She needs our support in realizing it's not wrong for some women to feel uncomfortable with different habits. OP: the only thing that matters is YOUR happiness. This is a sensitive issue for many, I hope you get peace soon.
Click to expand...

Is that really the way it is in a marriage?
I wouldn't know though...

I agree 100% that it's not wrong to feel uncomfortable, I was just trying to explain another point of view. :)
 
I understand that porn is against your religious beliefs. But to be honest, I don't think this is an issue you should end your marriage over. Porn is for men what soap operas are for women.

I definitely wouldn't say he has an addiction because it doesn't seem to interfere with his daily activities or most importantly his sex life with you.

It sounds like you have a good man there, and you don't want to throw that away lightly. I would go to counselling and fight for your marriage.
 
I don't have any moral issues with porn and I also don't think the behavior you're describing is all that unusual for a lot of men...but I was reading this book on how the brain works and it had a chapter on how porn effects the way the brain responds to sexual stimulus.

Because the internet allows unlimited access to porn, there is an epidemic of porn addiction, particularly among young men. The problem is that if you watch porn excessively (not sure how that's defined) your brain adapts to the sexual images and isn't aroused by the same things any more so people addicted to porn will sex out more and more bizarre or unusual sexual situations in order to get aroused. This book (which was written by a doctor) was saying this is one of the reasons modern day porn is becoming more bizarre and extreme hard-core.

So OP, what kind of porn is he looking at? If he's looking at stuff that's bizarre, extreme, or humiliating to women that might be an indication of a problem...but if it's just the vanilla type then it may not be an addiction....even though I understand that you may object for religious reasons.
 
Lenee925 said:
How is she sensitive about porn when she just told us that she's asked him several times to watch it together and he says "no"? LOL This isn't an anti-porn thing. It's an issue of self-control and balance. Human beings can and will make damn near anything excessive. It becomes a problem when you hide from your loved ones and shut them out like a weirdo.
Click to expand...

i don't recall ever saying the bolded :rolleyes:
 
longhairlover said:
ok, we definitely needs prayers and to learn to pray together as well. I don't understand why most men are soooo reluctant to accept God.

it just really hurts and at the same time makes me verrrrrrrrrrrry angry at him.
Click to expand...

it's weird...either men take the Bible and misuse and misconstrue its Words AGAINST women or they just ignore it altogether :ohwell:

I mean I'm exaggerating, but kwim?

anyway, you'll be fine. just keep the faith :)
 
LHL, first of all, only you and your dh know what's going on in YOUR relationship. I don't mean to be rude, but you need to block out the naysayers and the people who will try to make you feel like you are wrong. YOU ARE NOT WRONG.

There are several issues at play here, one of which is trust. For that one, counseling is definitely in order, IMO. The second issue is that you're a Christian and he is not (?). If that's true, you're unequally yoked and you're going to have to deal with that as well. Also, your dh will probably need counseling by himself. He's using porn to cope, and once he gives it up, he is probably going to be depressed and withdrawn because his crutch is gone. Addiction is addiction, whether its porn, crack, alcohol, or gambling. It's not about the vice as much as its about the lying, sneaking, and lack of self-control.

Also, you may want to post this in the Christian forum. You will get more support. :yep:
 
longhairlover said:
I mean from the dates I saw from the downloads it looks like it's weekly (sometimes every other day) so I guess it's excessive, but the thing is he sneaks and looks at it, t
Click to expand...

If he knows you're against it, I would think he'd hide it, right?

You can tell it's excessive if indeed it has affected your own sex life, has it? Like can you tell he's off watching porn unless you check the history?
 
it's the hidden part of it with him, i've known other guys that have watched prn but it wasn't hidden, it being hidden makes it creepy and is a sign of an issue.

they women are increasingly becoming porn addicts too.

but i'm not sensitive to it, it's the way it's being done sneakily.



barbiesocialite said:
I don't think I'll ever understand people's sensitivity about porn :confused:

To each their own I suppose....

According to some people's standards I guess I'd be considered the porn addicted spouse :look:
Click to expand...
 
i'm not anti-porn, i'm anti-sneak in the corner wait til i'm dead sleep to go creep and watch it constantly behind my back and attempting to find ways to hide it.

alot of times i've mentioned lets watch some together but noooooo he's on some creep ish :wallbash:

I have my alone sex sometimes too, but he'll do this porn crap and then will still try to get some from me,




FlowerHair said:
I understand that it's a deal breaker for longhairlover and as such she has every right to end the marriage because of this. :yep:

But as an answer to why someone wouldn't want to watch it together with his spouse - most of us need some alone sex from time to time... It's more of a stress reliever than anything else. (Which seems to be true in this case since it has accelerated after husband was laid off.) And if one already knows the wife/husband isn't into porn why would you want to watch it together? Especially if it's a sore issue as in OP's case...

IMO it's not excessive to watch porn every week or even a few minutes every day, but to each their own :yep:

It doesn't have to mean that you had some weird stuff happen to you as a child...
Click to expand...
 
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