Ok I'm going to do it- Could you be in a plural marriage?

[SleekandBouncy]

I have grew up in one and know over 20 families (off the top of my head) like these. If a dude is going to mess with another woman, he will - but bringing that mess and confusion into mine and my children's lives to deal with on a daily basis. The argument in our particular circumstance is that Islam allows a man to have up to four wives - yeah I read that verse it gives a list of things you can do as a good Muslim including taking in orphans. It says you MAY marry another wife (if you need to) to help care for those orphans; it also goes on to say HOWEVER [the convenient bit the dudes leave out] you cannot marry more than one wife UNLESS YOU CAN TREAT THEM ALL EQUALLY. Now i've got two dogs and cannot treat them equally so...and I sure don't remember any orphans in my house.

**APPLAUSE**
Unfortunately many men conveniently overlook the rest of the passage and women allow it. Next thing, some chick is hoodwinked into it, dude just wanted nookie on the side without god's scorn and now he's not providing properly or equally or at worst there's fighting or bickering amongst the wives/children. I knew a woman who's husband had 2 wives, she provided for the family and last I saw her husband was still coming home each evening to take $600 or so from her. Both were very religious and his justification for his 2nd wife was religious scripture.

My issue with certain religious passages, is that when it comes to the perks of manhood it's often taken out of context and the associated rules are often ignored. I feel like some stuff is conveniently "vague" as to allow delibrate misinterpretation and most of the religious leaders esp. in traditional cultures/countires are still men so of course most men are going to back each other up. That is why it's so important to have women AND men as decision makers because humans are very easily corrupted, balance keeps everyone in check.

 

[Shimmie]

Imo once upon time this multi-wives was accepted in the old testament since people want to go on religion but in the new testament this is not accepted unless I'm wrong and need to re-read.

You are correct, my dear. In the New Testament, a man is to be married to only ONE wife and the wife to only ONE husband.

That's me! One on One.

 

[gloomgeisha]

Only if I could be First Wife.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

You are correct, my dear. In the New Testament, a man is to be married to only ONE wife and the wife to only ONE husband.

That's me! One on One.

That's me too!!! One on One, baby!

 

[Shimmie]

wow! regardless of how I feel about polygamous marriages this statement is just ridiculous to me, how is the way AIDS is transmitted in Africa any different from how it's transmitted anywhere else in the world? Is this the reason why there is an AIDS epidemic in Africa? Not lack of sex education? Not the paucity of medical care and medications? Not poverty etc? The reason according to you is because of the cultural practice of polygamy, that has been mostly phased out over the past few generations? Please refrain from reiterating the stereotypes people have about Africa, there's more than enough misinformation out there!

Please refrain from misunderstanding what I said. Or better yet, thinking you 'know' what I said. You taken my statement totally out of its context. Don't assume I'm adding to the sterotype of Africa's dilema. I'm not your enemy here.

I'm well aware of lack of medical care, sex education, and much more which plagues Africa. It doesn't stop having multiple sex partners in/out of marriage as being one of the causes of AIDS there.

In addition, I'm contributing substantial funds to help these people. Are you, in addtion to being offended about stereotypes?

I'm not angry, but I did feel the need to reply to your 'appearence' of arrogance and accusing me of something I'm not guilty of.

NOW, if I have misjudged your comments, I apologize.

 

[UmSumayyah]

**APPLAUSE**
Unfortunately many men conveniently overlook the rest of the passage and women allow it. Next thing, some chick is hoodwinked into it, dude just wanted nookie on the side without god's scorn and now he's not providing properly or equally or at worst there's fighting or bickering amongst the wives/children. I knew a woman who's husband had 2 wives, she provided for the family and last I saw her husband was still coming home each evening to take $600 or so from her. Both were very religious and his justification for his 2nd wife was religious scripture.

My issue with certain religious passages, is that when it comes to the perks of manhood it's often taken out of context and the associated rules are often ignored. I feel like some stuff is conveniently "vague" as to allow delibrate misinterpretation and most of the religious leaders esp. in traditional cultures/countires are still men so of course most men are going to back each other up. That is why it's so important to have women AND men as decision makers because humans are very easily corrupted, balance keeps everyone in check.

The vast majority of men could not have more than one wife if they were to keep to the strict rules of fairness.
For instance dh and I live in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. Iffin' he was to marry again new wifey is entitled to a comparable house in a comparable neighborhood, (and the maintenance headaches/property tax that come with it) along with everything else I get:
--complete financial support
--control over most of the household budget and decision power on the kid's education, etc.
--same stuff for her kids as mine, i.e. braces, college fund, glasses, $$ for soccer/ballet/language classes
--his attendance at games/recitals/performances/competitions that the kids particpate in
--$$$ for my own hobbies and interest
--the same make and model car I have, along with paying for all it's gas/upkeep
--medical bills for me and the kids (and the inability to put a second wife on the insurance would make that an expensive proposition)
--his presence at some of my family functions (dinner at my parent's house this Sunday, dinner at hers the next, weddings/funerals, etc.)
--vacations
--regular kid-free dinner dates at nice restaurants
--his time/skills with household stuff like carpentry and repairs
--him cooking his yummy dinners 2-3 nights a week instead of me cooking
--the $$$ to spend on a 75-90% organic diet for me and the kids--not cheap.

I don't think many men are trying to carry two households with all that entails just to have another woman to have sex with.

Of course I have heard of guys with multiple wives that have all of the wives on welfare.

But I am not the one.

It's interesting that some people seem to think that a multiple wife is automatically humiliating or oppressive to women. After all, some people think that marriage, period, is oppressive to women.

Like anything else it can be a good or bad situation depending on the parties involved. Arcadian's viewpoints about enlisting the services of a lawyer and having all your ducks in a row comes to mind. (in the case of marriage in general. That would be near impossible to do in a country that prohibits polygyny so I wouldn't recommend it to anyone living there.

 

[mkh_77]

Please refrain from misunderstanding what I said. Or better yet, thinking you 'know' what I said. You taken my statement totally out of its context. Don't assume I'm adding to the sterotype of Africa's dilema. I'm not your enemy here.

I'm well aware of lack of medical care, sex education, and much more which plagues Africa. It doesn't stop having multiple sex partners in/out of marriage as being one of the causes of AIDS there.

In addition, I'm contributing substantial funds to help these people. Are you, in addtion to being offended about stereotypes?

I'm not angry, but I did feel the need to reply to your 'appearence' of arrogance and accusing me of something I'm not guilty of.

NOW, if I have misjudged your comments, I apologize.

Wow! You never cease to amaze! First you call another's way of life/cultural norm "stupid", and then this?!

Not everyone views life through your lense (thank goodness!).

 

[cocoberry10]

ITA! Thank you. I doubt that Africans have more sex than other people in the world. That's part of the prejudice that follows black people all over the world.

There is a great deal of misinformation in Africa about how AIDS is transmitted, and that's the real reason there is an epidemic. Not to mention certain countries don't want to get real about promoting condoms etc.

This is very true!

 

[cocoberry10]

The vast majority of men could not have more than one wife if they were to keep to the strict rules of fairness.
For instance dh and I live in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. Iffin' he was to marry again new wifey is entitled to a comparable house in a comparable neighborhood, (and the maintenance headaches/property tax that come with it) along with everything else I get:
--complete financial support
--control over most of the household budget and decision power on the kid's education, etc.
--same stuff for her kids as mine, i.e. braces, college fund, glasses, $$ for soccer/ballet/language classes
--his attendance at games/recitals/performances/competitions that the kids particpate in
--$$$ for my own hobbies and interest
--the same make and model car I have, along with paying for all it's gas/upkeep
--medical bills for me and the kids (and the inability to put a second wife on the insurance would make that an expensive proposition)
--his presence at some of my family functions (dinner at my parent's house this Sunday, dinner at hers the next, weddings/funerals, etc.)
--vacations
--regular kid-free dinner dates at nice restaurants
--his time/skills with household stuff like carpentry and repairs
--him cooking his yummy dinners 2-3 nights a week instead of me cooking
--the $$$ to spend on a 75-90% organic diet for me and the kids--not cheap.

I don't think many men are trying to carry two households with all that entails just to have another woman to have sex with.

Of course I have heard of guys with multiple wives that have all of the wives on welfare.

But I am not the one.

Can I clone your husband? I don't want to steal him, I just want to recreate him?

 

[Shimmie]

Wow! You never cease to amaze! First you call another's way of life/cultural norm "stupid", and then this?!

Not everyone views life through your lense (thank goodness!).

Stay out of this...don't use me as an excuse to sound off. This is coming from your posts directed at me from the past. Whatever you think of me personally, leave it out of this thread. You can pm me directly instead.

 

[mkh_77]

Stay out of this...don't use me as an excuse to sound off. This is coming from your posts directed at me from the past. Whatever you think of me personally, leave it out of this thread. You can pm me directly instead.

Actually, I can post in whatever thread I so choose, and this is the one I choose. You telling me to "stay out of this" is entirely not your place as a fellow poster. And, for that matter, I don't hold grudges, but I guess I know where you stand on that.

Back to the subject at hand . . .

 

[yourleoqueen]

Only if it's me and 2 men.

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

You are correct, my dear. In the New Testament, a man is to be married to only ONE wife and the wife to only ONE husband.

That's me! One on One.

That is indeed true but that is not actually a dictum of Jesus or the father. That was written in the Corinthian by Paul so Christianity really does not have a basis to do away with Plural Marriage.

RUN PME_LADY RUN!

 

[Shimmie]

That is indeed true but that is not actually a dictum of Jesus or the father. That was written in the Corinthian by Paul so Christianity really does not have a basis to do away with Plural Marriage.

RUN PME_LADY RUN!

Don't run... And it does have a basis in Christianity...Mary/Joseph -- One on One.

 

[Shimmie]

Actually, I can post in whatever thread I so choose, and this is the one I choose. You telling me to "stay out of this" is entirely not your place as a fellow poster. And, for that matter, I don't hold grudges, but I guess I know where you stand on that.

Back to the subject at hand . . .

Ummmm, I was telling you to stay out of what pertains to me. You chose to make a direct insult towards me personally which you have no right to do and is also against forum rules and policies. So again, what pertains to me, stay out of it. You've made this a habit with too many of my posts.

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

Don't run... And it does have a basis in Christianity...Mary/Joseph -- One on One.

Indeed but Joseph may have only had one wife because that was all he could afford. The founding of what modern day Christianity started in the Garden of Eden and went forth. G-d's most beloved messengers sometimes had more than one wife. Abraham had a wife and her handmaid was at his disposal, Jacob had two wives and two handmaids and King David, G-d's beloved, had five wives and a host of concubines.

 

[CherrySBR]

I have grew up in one and know over 20 families (off the top of my head) like these. If a dude is going to mess with another woman, he will - but bringing that mess and confusion into mine and my children's lives to deal with on a daily basis. The argument in our particular circumstance is that Islam allows a man to have up to four wives - yeah I read that verse it gives a list of things you can do as a good Muslim including taking in orphans. It says you MAY marry another wife (if you need to) to help care for those orphans; it also goes on to say HOWEVER [the convenient bit the dudes leave out] you cannot marry more than one wife UNLESS YOU CAN TREAT THEM ALL EQUALLY. Now i've got two dogs and cannot treat them equally so...and I sure don't remember any orphans in my house.

A man may marry up to 4 woman if he can take care of them. It is his right to do so. Not just to help take care of orphans. You cant just read the Quran without the hadith, they go hand and hand. But this is not the issue. You cannot compare dogs ( Not to mention as muslims we cannot have dogs in our home) to people and by treating them equally means out of wealth and time. So I get a new pair of shoes for 100.00 bucks, she gets the same amount spent on her. he stays at my house 7 days, she gets 7 days. A person can never love someone the same as another but you can treat them equally. The man is suppose to treat the women the same. Not to sound funky but it is sad that there are some men who come to islam because of this and abuse the situation. Wives on welfare etc. All the families I know have beautiful lives and their children are very happy and none of them are confused. Whatever religion a person is in they are suppose to raise their children apon it and teach them. Maybe that is not the case for some. There are women who take on a religion because of a man. Then that results in a woman being unhappy and then the home is unhappy. and I am sorry your experience wasent good but not all end up this way. Us as women have to know our rights, not what a man tell us. We have to read ourselves, study for ourselves and teach our children what we learn. If you listen to what someone says without proof then god only knows what you will be told.I am now leaving this post because it seems like its going to get heated soon. I am not one who likes to argue so,Take care all.

 

[Enchantmt]

Ladies please keep it civil and address the TOPIC, not personal issues.

TY

 

[Shimmie]

Indeed but Joseph may have only had one wife because that was all he could afford. The founding of what modern day Christianity started in the Garden of Eden and went forth. G-d's most beloved messengers sometimes had more than one wife. Abraham had a wife and her handmaid was at his disposal, Jacob had two wives and two handmaids and King David, G-d's beloved, had five wives and a host of concubines.

Don't forget King Solomon's 1000 (300 wives/700 concubines).

But you made an interesting point. Adam and Eve... One on One is how it was orginally intended.

((( hugs )))

Now, I'm running... No, I've shared my heart and now I'm out. You have good knowledge of the word...PME_Lady...

 

[mkh_77]

Ummmm, I was telling you to stay out of what pertains to me. You chose to make a direct insult towards me personally which you have no right to do and is also against forum rules and policies. So again, what pertains to me, stay out of it. You've made this a habit with too many of my posts.

I have no idea what you are takling about. My original post was in keeping with the topic and was merely an oberservation based on what you had previously posted. As far as I can tell, quoting a poster and responding to that post/quote is not against forum rules. No one insulted you--I just didn't agree with you. If you take that as an insult, well . . . You are the one who has made this personal. Besides, I don't post often, and I haven't responded to a post of yours in quite some time.

 

[Shimmie]

Ladies please keep it civil and address the TOPIC, not personal issues.

TY

Enchantmt, I sincerely apologize to you, administration, to the members and the OP of this thread for 'sounding off'.

 

[Mortons]

A man may marry up to 4 woman if he can take care of them. It is his right to do so. Not just to help take care of orphans. You cant just read the Quran without the hadith, they go hand and hand. But this is not the issue. You cannot compare dogs ( Not to mention as muslims we cannot have dogs in our home) to people and by treating them equally means out of wealth and time. So I get a new pair of shoes for 100.00 bucks, she gets the same amount spent on her. he stays at my house 7 days, she gets 7 days. A person can never love someone the same as another but you can treat them equally. The man is suppose to treat the women the same. Not to sound funky but it is sad that there are some men who come to islam because of this and abuse the situation. Wives on welfare etc. All the families I know have beautiful lives and their children are very happy and none of them are confused. Whatever religion a person is in they are suppose to raise their children apon it and teach them. Maybe that is not the case for some. There are women who take on a religion because of a man. Then that results in a woman being unhappy and then the home is unhappy. and I am sorry your experience wasent good but not all end up this way. Us as women have to know our rights, not what a man tell us. We have to read ourselves, study for ourselves and teach our children what we learn. If you listen to what someone says without proof then god only knows what you will be told.I am now leaving this post because it seems like its going to get heated soon. I am not one who likes to argue so,Take care all.

I think this is where the problem lies with plural marriage. One wife will be loved more than the other(s) and it will show no matter how equal the husband tries to be. I know I say that I will treat all of my friends the same but I love and have a deeper bond with some rather than others. I try to treat all of them the same, but the ones who I have a deeper connection with will get more out of me. Thats just the way it is with humans period. I'm glad that your situation is working out for you, but as a woman, who does not need a man to provide for her, I find the situation depressing and unnecessary. Why put myself through the drama when I could have the man He intended for me all to myself? I dont think that drama and heartache is what He ever intended for me to have in my life, so I must say, that situation does not seem ideal.

 

[HoneyDew]

I couldn't do it. Life is too short to share my man.

But, I can see why some may get used to it and like it. I just could not do that.

I am just thinking of the times when I need my man for whatever reason - it woul dbe hard if he is available because I am sharing him.

Nope.

 

[jasmin]

If there is crap out there that says a man can have this many wives then marriage isn't for me.

Yuck.

 

[HoneyDew]

Good points!

It is even hard with today's complex family dynamics with divorced families and such.

My BF is divorced now and he really is a good father to his children being there for everything. Starting a new life with another woman keeps him spread pretty thin. Luckily he is financially able to handle things, which many of those in plural marriages cannot.

I can't imagine a man having to give his all equally to multiple women.

Anyway many of those in plural marriage are on welfare and such. That is not fair right there!

The vast majority of men could not have more than one wife if they were to keep to the strict rules of fairness.
For instance dh and I live in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. Iffin' he was to marry again new wifey is entitled to a comparable house in a comparable neighborhood, (and the maintenance headaches/property tax that come with it) along with everything else I get:
--complete financial support
--control over most of the household budget and decision power on the kid's education, etc.
--same stuff for her kids as mine, i.e. braces, college fund, glasses, $$ for soccer/ballet/language classes
--his attendance at games/recitals/performances/competitions that the kids particpate in
--$$$ for my own hobbies and interest
--the same make and model car I have, along with paying for all it's gas/upkeep
--medical bills for me and the kids (and the inability to put a second wife on the insurance would make that an expensive proposition)
--his presence at some of my family functions (dinner at my parent's house this Sunday, dinner at hers the next, weddings/funerals, etc.)
--vacations
--regular kid-free dinner dates at nice restaurants
--his time/skills with household stuff like carpentry and repairs
--him cooking his yummy dinners 2-3 nights a week instead of me cooking
--the $$$ to spend on a 75-90% organic diet for me and the kids--not cheap.

I don't think many men are trying to carry two households with all that entails just to have another woman to have sex with.

Of course I have heard of guys with multiple wives that have all of the wives on welfare.

But I am not the one.

It's interesting that some people seem to think that a multiple wife is automatically humiliating or oppressive to women. After all, some people think that marriage, period, is oppressive to women.

Like anything else it can be a good or bad situation depending on the parties involved. Arcadian's viewpoints about enlisting the services of a lawyer and having all your ducks in a row comes to mind. (in the case of marriage in general. That would be near impossible to do in a country that prohibits polygyny so I wouldn't recommend it to anyone living there.

 

[isobell]

Please refrain from misunderstanding what I said. Or better yet, thinking you 'know' what I said. You taken my statement totally out of its context. Don't assume I'm adding to the sterotype of Africa's dilema. I'm not your enemy here.

I'm well aware of lack of medical care, sex education, and much more which plagues Africa. It doesn't stop having multiple sex partners in/out of marriage as being one of the causes of AIDS there.

In addition, I'm contributing substantial funds to help these people. Are you, in addtion to being offended about stereotypes?

I'm not angry, but I did feel the need to reply to your 'appearence' of arrogance and accusing me of something I'm not guilty of.

NOW, if I have misjudged your comments, I apologize.

You didn't misjudge my comments nor do I think I misquoted you as I used the exact words that you typed. I didn't need to assume anything as your own words were right there. You accuse me of arrogance but I am not the one proclaiming that because I give money to a cause I am somehow now immune from any reproach concerning the way I talk about it. I fail to see what contributing money to that very worthy cause has to do with saying the reason for AIDS in africa is multiple sex partners ostensibly stemming from the outdated practice of polygamy. Again I ask you how is that different from the way other nations transmitt the disease? I am an african woman who is quite cognizant of the facts and I found your comments a tad bit glib. Both my parents are in the medical field, in fact my mother is a microbiologist specializing in infectious diseases, specifically AIDS research. Shall we now compare how much we each contribute to the cause in order to determine if I still have a right to be offended about stereotypes?

 

[Shimmie]

You didn't misjudge my comments nor do I think I misquoted you as I used the exact words that you typed. I didn't need to assume anything as your own words were right there. You accuse me of arrogance but I am not the one proclaiming that because I give money to a cause I am somehow now immune from any reproach concerning the way I talk about it. I fail to see what contributing money to that very worthy cause has to do with saying the reason for AIDS in africa is multiple sex partners ostensibly stemming from the outdated practice of polygamy. Again I ask you how is that different from the way other nations transmitt the disease? I am an african woman who is quite cognizant of the facts and I found your comments a tad bit glib. Both my parents are in the medical field, in fact my mother is a microbiologist specializing in infectious diseases, specifically AIDS research. Shall we now compare how much we each contribute to the cause in order to determine if I still have a right to be offended about stereotypes?

I sent you a PM...

 

[Nice & Wavy]

 

[TJD3]

Exactly!

Hubby #1 would be "well strapped" and energetic
Hubby #2... Ummmm... knows how to "dine" well and *makes LOVE* so good that I'm hypnotized for days
Hubby #3 has AWESOME listening and communication skills, and spoils me rotten

Perfect !

 

[carcajada]

A man may marry up to 4 woman if he can take care of them. It is his right to do so. Not just to help take care of orphans. You cant just read the Quran without the hadith, they go hand and hand. But this is not the issue. You cannot compare dogs ( Not to mention as muslims we cannot have dogs in our home) to people and by treating them equally means out of wealth and time. So I get a new pair of shoes for 100.00 bucks, she gets the same amount spent on her. he stays at my house 7 days, she gets 7 days. A person can never love someone the same as another but you can treat them equally. The man is suppose to treat the women the same. Not to sound funky but it is sad that there are some men who come to islam because of this and abuse the situation. Wives on welfare etc. All the families I know have beautiful lives and their children are very happy and none of them are confused. Whatever religion a person is in they are suppose to raise their children apon it and teach them. Maybe that is not the case for some. There are women who take on a religion because of a man. Then that results in a woman being unhappy and then the home is unhappy. and I am sorry your experience wasent good but not all end up this way. Us as women have to know our rights, not what a man tell us. We have to read ourselves, study for ourselves and teach our children what we learn. If you listen to what someone says without proof then god only knows what you will be told.I am now leaving this post because it seems like its going to get heated soon. I am not one who likes to argue so,Take care all.

Your post was interesting. I wonder how a man can love one wife more than another, but yet not show it in his actions? (hence where he'd treat the wives differently in one way or another).