Nurturing the Love Affair in a Marriage

[Lady Esquire]

I posted this in the Hillary Duff Divorce thread:

I had an older friend tell me: I've entered into a love affair. First it was attraction, admiration, lust, friendship, courtship...in whatever order you'd prefer...but ultimately it's a love affair between a man and a woman.

Then, the kids come along (usually in that order). The kids will come and go. So, you have to nurture the love affair through the stages. So, in the mornings, have a quickie. Or after you put the kids down for bedtime, have some alone time. Flirt through texting or IMs throughout the day.

All I'm saying is that he can't go from this dude who used to make you drip drip at just the sound of his voice .... to your co-parenting roommate. Womp womp. Might as well run a day care or shack up with a nanny for that.

Once the kids grow older and move out, it will hopefully be the two of you left. And the love affair should be ready to be kept up and hot ...if not hotter...maybe a different type of hot, but still hot enough to keep the both of you excited and really into it.

It won't be like that every single day, week, month, etc. But for the most part, after working through the different challenges, you two should be in LOVE and loving it. That's what he's (husbands) afraid of: the tedium that comes with a woman who has traded her sex appeal for an apron or mommy-hood or a career or church or whatever else competes with the love affair. All of those other endeavors are important. The effort put into the marriage should be highly prioritized as well.

We, as women (and men too) are known for taken the other for granted in that department. Its such an important part yet we treat it like something that can be put off for another time. Its an URGENCY to nurture the love affair in a marriage. This is a topic I feel so passionate about and curious for your opinions.

 

[Flourishnikov]

Not married yet, but ITA and this is why I dont want to settle for someone that I only have lukewarm feelings for. When you marry you have a hard enough time trying to maintain the spice, no need for me to work against myself and rhe marriage by settling for a guy that looks good on paper but I dont genuinely connect and have chemistry with.

 

[topnotch1010]

Ya know, when your life is super busy, it's sometimes easy to forget to nurture that relationship and how GOOD it feels to nurture it. I agree that a woman should do her part in keeping the romance alive and well, and let nothing come in the way of that. Sure, there will always be things that we have to do as parents, coworkers, daughters, sisters, or whatever, but the wife hat trumps all. It's sacred and should be treated as such.

My favorite things to do to keep our romance alive is to dress nice for him, keep my weight normal, openly respect him in front of others, and to let him pamper me. Showing him respect is like giving him love, and I get rewarded handsomely for it. We also make a point to take vacations away from the kids. Those retreats do WONDERS for our relationship.

 

[Holla]

I have several family members who have been married for over 50 years. I also have friends who have been married for 25+ years. I get a LOT of advice from people in marriages that last that long. I also look for patterns since I have so many couples like this to observe. The thing I notice the most is that they all still have that bond between them that is separate from the bond they have as parents. I have a friend who said that no one physically comes between her and her husband, not even the kids when they were little. That they sit side by side at church, in restaurants, etc. When I invited them to my church one day, I noticed that....yes they did sit together and that by doing so, it provided the opportunity for intimacy. As in, he reached for her hand during service and simply held it. She would fix his shirt or something to show that she cares about him. Even my parents will do the same. My dad always gives my mom a kiss when he comes home after being out all day at a garage or when he was at work, etc. These couples will do what is deemed "date nights" or travel together to far away places just the two of them. They call each other during the day (every day!) just to talk about each other, not about bills, kids, etc. I once overheard a coworker talk to his wife over the phone and you would think he was talking to his girlfriend - it was cute! They were high school sweethearts who married at like 19 and stayed married for over 50 years before she passed away. Another coworker said he looks at his wife all the time and wonder how he got so lucky. He has been married for 26 years and he's like 52 or something.

It's a similar sentiment without elevating it to "love affair" or "maintaining sex appeal" -- I don't know but when I see those terms it makes me think of elaborate plans for sexual intimacy that is more extensive than what I am thinking about. Even when these people who have been married for 25-50 years are not having sex for weeks or months at a time (this I know ), they were being intimate.

 

[greight]

^^^^^^

This was a very nice post.

 

[MD_Lady]

The OP is a perfect example of what people mean when they say "marriage is work" and this issue is why women (IMO) should place "ability to communicate" near the top of their list of required qualities in a future DH.

 

[Lady Esquire]

It's a similar sentiment without elevating it to "love affair" or "maintaining sex appeal" -- I don't know but when I see those terms it makes me think of elaborate plans for sexual intimacy that is more extensive than what I am thinking about. Even when these people who have been married for 25-50 years are not having sex for weeks or months at a time (this I know ), they were being intimate.

You're right. Intimacy is the basis of the love affair. Those couples you mentioned did in fact elevate it over decades and maintained the very essence of a love affair. Society has taken the magic that can exist in marriage through those everyday acts of intimacy you've described. Those things are not as celebrated by society and has been reduced.

The act of intercourse is a mere part of that. How you worded it captured what I meant perfectly though: date nights, holding hands, sitting close to each, flirting on the phone, showing other expressions of "love".

 

[hopeful]

Holla and Lady Esquire
I agree with both of you so much .

 

[brownb83]

I Agree with you all but men have to learn to show affection praise when you are putting your best foot forward.

Ex they say well you always look good so why do I have to say it.

I know it can be hard for some to express it but men often get lazy when it comes to adoration and praise of their wife.

Most men think that if they said it once then the wife should just know/remember.

This is something I struggled with for years. He would think it but wouldn't say it.

 

[MissMasala5]

I still refer to my husband of 20+ years as my lover. I get a kick out of puzzled looks it brings, then the "Ah Ha!" moment when they realize it's him and not some young, hot secret sex stud.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I Agree with you all but men have to learn to show affection praise when you are putting your best foot forward.

Most men think that if they said it once then the wife should just know/remember.

This is something I struggled with for years. He would think it but wouldn't say it.

Yes. You are absolutely right. My husband grew up seeing his dad use his sense of humor but never so much what you're referring to and because of that, DH has had to learn over the years that we women need to hear it as well. Both spouses have to show up and show affection (big and small).

 

[hopeful]

I agree with the teaching. If you are blessed, lucky, or smart enough to marry someone who gets the intimacy thing off the bat then :notworthy. But if he needs to be guided, informed, taught, then so be it. I plan to be married to this man till the day I die so it's worth the effort. I find the more sure I am of exactly what I want/need and the more sure I am that I'm worth it and deserve it, the easier everything is. More intimacy and tenderness affects everything and literally makes everything else better. I think it's usually the woman who craves more affection, however, I know it can be the other way around. Interestingly, even though one person may not crave it, once it's part of the relationship everyone wins and benefits.

 

[Godyssey]

I Agree with you all but men have to learn to show affection praise when you are putting your best foot forward.

Ex they say well you always look good so why do I have to say it.

I know it can be hard for some to express it but men often get lazy when it comes to adoration and praise of their wife.

Most men think that if they said it once then the wife should just know/remember.

This is something I struggled with for years. He would think it but wouldn't say it.

This is something that I struggle with. My husband tells me that I'm beautiful and that he loves me several times a day. Honestly, I just blow it off because I know that I am not beautiful first thing in the morning or all of the time for that matter. When I am looking a mess, it's just like, yeah okay. His saying it so,often just seems robotic.

For me, it's more special to say I love you when he has done or said something that makes me think, wow I'm so lucky to have you, or what you did or said was so sweet or fascinating. I'm learning to say it more for no reason at all simply because he likes it. Not to say that the love isn't there, but when it's said all of the time, for me at least, it doesn't mean much.

I was that way with the compliments too. If my husband got dressed up and was looking extra good, or even dressed down and he made a look or expression that made me feel like he is so sexy, I would never verbalize it. He is a very confident, attractive, alpha male who has always been told that he was handsome and highly intelligent. I didn't think that he needed to hear it from me. He has long since expressed that he does, so I have made sure to always verbalize those thoughts. My only pet peeve is that when I do say, you look good today or right now, he'll say that he doesn't,lol. So for all of his wanting me to openly compliment him, why won't he just accept it? Lol I don't give out compliments willy nilly, so he should know that when I do that I'm sincere.

Great thread, btw. I admit to not being flirty too much anymore. This thread has given me inspiration to work on that. Because my husband doesn't require much of me, I really don't put in work and pretty much just let things be. Yet, I have so much room to show my appreciation and work on nurturing our relationship even further.