Niece In Business School And Distraught Over Lack Of Dating Prospects....advice?

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perfumenista

Well-Known Member
my niece, who is pursuing her mba recently came to me a bit distraught over her lack of dating prospects within her program.

Her non-black classmates are either married or in serious relationships and the other few black male students are dating "unattractive" (her words not mine) white women. I'm in a relationship and don't have any concrete advice to give.

Ladies in grad school, any tips for dating and mating at this stage in life? What works? What doesn't?
 
What had she been doing during undergrad, that is usually the easiest time to meet people and mingle? You should ask her more questions to see where her head is at.

And regardless of who her black male classmates are dating she has to think about what she looks for in terms of compatibility. She may have nothing in common with these BM so she should not be salty just cause she is not in a relationship herself.
 
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She may want to try black grad student university depar Mental meet ups . I went to a PWI for grad school in an engineering program. However the university minority student departments actively had meetings to bring all the black grad students together no matter what the field of study. Additionally there may also be a student run black grad student association that could be helpful in meeting other like minded students.
 
Why is she trying to date within her graduate program? I've never heard of a such thing. I finished my MBA last year and we would've all for sure been single trying to date the same handful of people. Graduate class sizes are a small fraction of the undergraduate class sizes.

Plus men don't go for graduate school as much as women so her findings are not surprising because the ratios were never in her favor. She is going about this incorrectly.
 
larry3344 said:
What had she been doing during undergrad, that is usually the easiest time to meet people and mingle? You should ask her more questions to see where her head is at.
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That ship has sailed and won't help her current situation.
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I'm dead a-- with this.....tell her to focus on developing ongoing relationships with her professors that extend past class time. At the MBA level, the age gap between students and professors isn't cringe worthy, they usually own their own businesses and even if you're not interested in more than a mentor relationship, professors usually know a ton of single professional men.

I have ongoing "been to each others houses" relationships with 4 of my MBA professors. Hell, there is an old thread here where I talked about my prof's rich old widowed father in law tryna push up on me. While I'm still not interested in Mr. Magoo the point still remains that matchmakers can be found in unexpected places.

if she's only interested in black men then she's better off just playing the odds with online dating.
 
Finish the program, you never know who she will encounter. If she's that pressed.... She can meet men through other people not just in her program. She can go to her College's events or even local conferences people always talk and chat.
After her MBA she will begin to meet many people while working on her new gigs or even through new friends she may meet.
 
Ok, ya'll are giving advice when we don't have enough information. I've also had gotten my MBA and it's basically all about positioning yourself appropriately relative to the market. If I wanted a date, I would get one by the end of the week. QUALITY men/dates though needs more filters and I'm still working on perfecting that :yep:

1. Where is her MBA program located? What are the demographics? Median age/Race/etc? It helps to know if she's in the middle of nowhere OR near a big city.

2. What are her professional goals? I wouldn't use certain conferences as grounds bc people act a damn fool and many BW who are looking for BM tend to follow this advice and so you're competing with a broader swath of women.

3. What is her personality like? Does she go out? Is she active (i.e bike, hike, ski, etc)? Is she more introverted?

4. Why is she distraught? What is her mental state right now? She gotta hold herself together - she'll be fine, she just needs to be absolutely ruthless about where she is and what she wants.
 
larry3344 said:
What had she been doing during undergrad, that is usually the easiest time to meet people and mingle? You should ask her more questions to see where her head is at.

And regardless of who her black male classmates are dating she has to think about what she looks for in terms of compatibility. She may have nothing in common with these BM so she should not be salty just cause she is not in a relationship herself.
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She went to a women's college for undegrad.
 
scoobygirl said:
She may want to try black grad student university depar Mental meet ups . I went to a PWI for grad school in an engineering program. However the university minority student departments actively had meetings to bring all the black grad students together no matter what the field of study. Additionally there may also be a student run black grad student association that could be helpful in meeting other like minded students.
Click to expand...

All of this.

I'm not trying to be funny, but I would have never thought it is hard to meet quality black men before LHCF. Like it's really not that hard, in university or out of. But maybe I just went out more or was more involved? Black men are everywhere looking for somebody, a black somebody. My cousin has the same complaints where she is and IDK, it is really strange to me.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
That ship has sailed and won't help her current situation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm dead a-- with this.....tell her to focus on developing ongoing relationships with her professors that extend past class time. At the MBA level, the age gap between students and professors isn't cringe worthy, they usually own their own businesses and even if you're not interested in more than a mentor relationship, professors usually know a ton of single professional men.

I have ongoing "been to each others houses" relationships with 4 of my MBA professors. Hell, there is an old thread here where I talked about my prof's rich old widowed father in law tryna push up on me. While I'm still not interested in Mr. Magoo the point still remains that matchmakers can be found in unexpected places.

if she's only interested in black men then she's better off just playing the odds with online dating.
Click to expand...
The reason I asked that is if she didn't mingle and make conceded effort in undergrad it will be harder during grad school.

She needs to be comfortable meeting people in other social circles. Perhaps encourage social mdetups OP.
 
She needs to attend the National Black MBA local chapter events as well as the Annual Conference. The next one is the week of September 26th and is in PA. She can interview for a job while looking for a man. Plenty of evening events and parties. Membership is cheap for students. Urban League local chapter events. She should travel for all those Black Minority Business type conferences if she can. Students get discount tickets. Plenty of black men milling around.
 
The above advice is great.

I'll share my thoughts below, in case they are helpful.

So, I am trying to do better about things that get me emotional but that ultimately require that I take action. And I'm trying to pay attention to HOW LONG I STAY in each phase below.

Steps/phases ("A.E.A.R." like "a ear" helps me remember the steps I'm practicing):
  1. Acknowledge: Get it out there . . . Announce to self or share with trusted friend(s) that so-and-so is happening. Acknowledge that I don't think it should be this way. Acknowledge that I'm bothered, that it hurts, that person(s) A is/are wrong, etc.
  2. Emote: Have all the feelings in the world that I want/need to have about the fact that so-and-so is happening. Mourn and let go, if need be.
  3. Adjust: Get my attitude, feelings, plans, and actions RIGHT about the situation.
  4. Respond: Act. Do what I should do (not simply what I can or could do, but what I SHOULD do), and then fall back and stay in peace. Say what I should say (not simply what I can or could say, but only what I should say). I visualize myself ticking off a check list of wise and appropriate words and behavior on my part, and then floating on my back in a pool of peace about it all.
In this case:
  1. Acknowledge: Talk and talk and talk about ohhhhhh, how it shouldn't be like this. In my opinion, I should be able to find someone to date in this MBA program. The brothers should blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. And so forth. The ratio should be different . . . and blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaah. :smile:
  2. Emote: Why me? Why black women? Just whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? It's so unfair. I have feelings, and they are _____________. Feeeeeeel, feeeel, feeeeeeeeeeeel. Have feelings.
  3. Adjust: It makes no sense to think I will be able to change the ratio while I'm here. It also makes no sense to think I will be able to train these already-grown BM while I'm here for the purpose of learning, sooooooo . . . I will adjust. I can do ______ (see any number of ideas people posted above).
  4. Respond: I made a good effort to date the BM in the MBA. Didn't work. I moved on to dating BM elsewhere or others in the program or out of the program. That is the best I can do, given the situation. I did my best. I'm thus mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and tactically freed to date and have fun without continually ruminating about the handful of BM in this MBA program I'm in. I'm going out and having fun, I'm meeting great guys, and I'm trusting God to place great people in my life as I position myself to encounter them. My focal energy is no longer being consumed by the handful of BM in my MBA program. I am investing my energy into dating. :smile: :yep:
 
MissNina said:
I'm not trying to be funny, but I would have never thought it is hard to meet quality black men before LHCF. Like it's really not that hard, in university or out of. But maybe I just went out more or was more involved? Black men are everywhere looking for somebody, a black somebody. My cousin has the same complaints where she is and IDK, it is really strange to me.
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If I was 10 years younger- I would agree... but as I am closing in on my mid 30s- most of the good men my age are off the market or are no longer good men. I wasted my youth with a man that I shouldn't have given the time of day to so dating now and finding a quality man that isn't scorned is hard.

That said- any black woman in her early to mid 20s need to make sure she isn't wasting her time on a man. Keep dating, date multiple men, don't let him have access to all of you (all of the time) if he isn't putting a ring on it.
I often get push back when I speak like this--- but I have already seen it, other women grazing in on 30 and they are like "where are the quality men."
 
I will say though that @MissNina is right---- if I got out more, I would have increase my changes to at least meet someone, but I think that generally quality black men are taken and booed up pretty quickly or playing the field themselves with no intention on being serious. I have been forcing myself out the house more to meet others but so far no hits.
 
I met men at school, networking events, parties, through friends and in everyday life. It's really just about being open. I will say the caliber of men changed based on my environment. The everyday life guys I met were 7 times out of ten not as educated as the men I met at networking and alumni events. It all depends on what she wants to open herself up to. I graduated a year ago and there weren't many black men in my program. So I decided to date all races, my minimum requirement for dating a man is that you treat me right and consistently make me happy. This made every guy I met a potential candidate.
 
I wouldnt want to date anyone in the same program as me anyway. Dating outside of work, school, etc. is always best.

movingforward13 said:
I will say though that @MissNina is right---- if I got out more, I would have increase my changes to at least meet someone, but I think that generally quality black men are taken and booed up pretty quickly or playing the field themselves with no intention on being serious. I have been forcing myself out the house more to meet others but so far no hits.
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I know you are speaking from experience but I think this has a lot to do with your outlook. there is power in the tongue girl. If you keep saying there are no good men, dont be surprised when thats all you attract.
 
movingforward13 said:
If I was 10 years younger- I would agree... but as I am closing in on my mid 30s- most of the good men my age are off the market or are no longer good men. I wasted my youth with a man that I shouldn't have given the time of day to so dating now and finding a quality man that isn't scorned is hard.

That said- any black woman in her early to mid 20s need to make sure she isn't wasting her time on a man. Keep dating, date multiple men, don't let him have access to all of you (all of the time) if he isn't putting a ring on it.
I often get push back when I speak like this--- but I have already seen it, other women grazing in on 30 and they are like "where are the quality men."
Click to expand...

Im in my early 30s and my bf is even younger than me, so idk. It is just extremely foreign and borderline unreal to me, tbh. I met bae at 30 and was dealing with someone else that I knew I ultimately couldn't marry. I was ready to settle down and stop playing games, so I prayed for the type of rlshp I wanted and God presented me to my SO the very next week. IME, His Faithfulness is amazing when you believe He'll do it, put it in your back pocket, and just live your life.

But I do 100% agree with your second conclusion. Until my current SO, I ALWAYS dated multiple ppl and, if I was in a rlshp and things got rocky, I'd give them two weeks to come around before I started talking to someone else. I wouldn't say anything, I'd just keep it moving.
 
moneychaser said:
I know you are speaking from experience but I think this has a lot to do with your outlook. there is power in the tongue girl. If you keep saying there are no good men, dont be surprised when thats all you attract.
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Sorry I didn't mean good men as in behavior- I meant quality men. My definition of quality is educated (Masters or higher), great career or business, tall, height/weight proportionate, great character, etc.
There are lots of good men around out here - but I think quality is lacking among black men. It seems most of the quality ones are already taken or playing the field because they know they are in demand. But this is just my own outlook and I am definitely trying to be more positive on dating--- it just sucks when I keep being proved right.
 
moneychaser said:
I wouldnt want to date anyone in the same program as me anyway. Dating outside of work, school, etc. is always best.
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Agreed. My MBA class was small, the black population smaller. Everyone was up in everyone else's business.

I met DH at a NSBE conference. Folks come to those conferences looking for a job and a bae (not necessarily in that order). That's hunting season.
 
MissNina said:
Im in my early 30s and my bf is even younger than me, so idk. It is just extremely foreign and borderline unreal to me, tbh.
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And that is what I am saying---- when you are younger the more choices you have
So do I have to entertain men younger than me to have more of a quality pool? Because mid 30s+ the quality isn't there. I mean, I am not making this up--- there are a lot of single women complaining about the same thing so there is a problem (or disconnect somewhere).
 
movingforward13 said:
And that is what I am saying---- when you are younger the more choices you have
So do I have to entertain men younger than me to have more of a quality pool? Because mid 30s+ the quality isn't there. I mean, I am not making this up--- there are a lot of single women complaining about the same thing so there is a problem (or disconnect somewhere).
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IDKY you keep falling back on the age thing lol. If you're approaching mid-30s then there's <5 years between us, & we are in the same dating age group. Typically I date men older than me, but just so happens God made my future hubby a bit younger & I ain't no fool :lol:

I'm not saying you're making it up at all (yours is a common sentiment on the board), nor am I saying you have to entertain older, younger, fatter, taller, shorter, etc. to be found by a great guy. You will likely have to compromise on SOME area, bc that's just life & some of our desires are very specific, but that's all personal choice. All I'm saying is IRL I see tons of BW across all age groups getting married, re-married, or in LTRs with quality BM (my def of quality man is pretty basic = financially stable/goal oriented, attractive, God-fearing, cultured), but then there's others who have clear struggles in this area. It is really mind boggling to me. I would've never thought it was so difficult.
 
For some people, meeting someone is not that easy. Some of you can't walk down the street without getting approached so of course you can't comprehend how another woman has trouble meeting men. If I were meeting men everywhere I went and had lots of options, I wouldn't understand the difficulty either.
 
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