New guy is giving me gifts all the time and I am just not used to it.

[HoneyDew]

Okay I bet you are wondering why I am complaining. I am not. I enjoy getting presents. But, I am really not used to this.

I mean, this guy always gets me things. Nothing fancy or overly expensive but gifts, nonetheless. Very thoughtful gifts, too. I only drink red wine - he bought me a rose wine after trying it at a wine tasting because he thought I should try it. He bought me a DVD about a documentary on an author I like. Things like that. I have gotten 5 or 6 other things from him, too.

We are not intimate at all and we are still in the "courting" stage (is that word still used? ) We have been on about 8 or 9 dates and we communicate often via phone and email.

Is this odd? How should I handle it? I feel like I should give him something, too.

I have to be honest - I have been waiting to figure out what's wrong with him.

Also, he is not American (Nigerian). I have never dated a guy from Nigeria before. Cultural maybe?

 

[Rapunzel*]

all i can say is enjoy those gifts because u deserve them. i know your flattered by those gifts like wth? lol

just wait it out, usually when we look to see whats wrong we find something wrong, he could be the one

 

[MizzBrown]

I KNOW you aint complaining. Stop complaining. You make it hard for the next woman who DOES want nice gifts.

I dated a Liberian. He was extra nice to me in the beginning as well. Remember what i would say and then it would appear.

We went to the movies and i ordered some skittles from the concession stand. When i visit him in his apartment, he made sure he had skittles on hand. LOL

Little stuff. That's what courting is. Where the hell have you been? Cause the next one you might complain that he doesnt do ish!

Be thankful that he cares and enjoy it because you deserve it.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Enjoy and appreciate it to the fullest!

 

[donna894]

He sounds like a nice guy. Just take your time, enjoy the relationship along with his thoughtful presents. And don't worry about what's wrong with him. If something is, you'll find out soon enough.

 

[drasgrl]

Uh oh. I'm sorry The moment you said Nigerian my spidey senses started to tingle. I don't trust those Nigerians (no offense to any Nigerians here) I went out with a few of them. Never again too aggressive and fast moving for me.

I will say enjoy the presents while they last because once he has you it might stop.

 

[jrae]

Okay I bet you are wondering why I am complaining. I am not. I enjoy getting presents. But, I am really not used to this.

I mean, this guy always gets me things. Nothing fancy or overly expensive but gifts, nonetheless. Very thoughtful gifts, too. I only drink red wine - he bought me a rose wine after trying it at a wine tasting because he thought I should try it. He bought me a DVD about a documentary on an author I like. Things like that. I have gotten 5 or 6 other things from him, too.

We are not intimate at all and we are still in the "courting" stage (is that word still used? ) We have been on about 8 or 9 dates and we communicate often via phone and email.

Is this odd? How should I handle it? I feel like I should give him something, too.

I have to be honest - I have been waiting to figure out what's wrong with him.

Also, he is not American (Nigerian). I have never dated a guy from Nigeria before. Cultural maybe?

My cousin married an Ethiopian man and during their courting, he gave her and her family gifts on the regular. It would make me a little bit uncomfortable but the gifts seem practical in this case. I wouldn't return the gift giving on purpose.

P.S. HD, sounds like you let the other relationship go?

 

[HoneyDew]

Uh oh. I'm sorry The moment you said Nigerian my spidey senses started to tingle. I don't trust those Nigerians (no offense to any Nigerians here) I went out with a few of them. Never again too aggressive and fast moving for me.

I will say enjoy the presents while they last because once he has you it might stop.

I have heard that from others. I will have to see for myself, I guess. He is not fast moving at all. I mean, I have known this guy since October of last year and it has been totally on my terms. I appreciate that because I am not ready to jump into anything serious and not hardly ready to be intimate physically with anyone right now.

We will see. I am not going to stop seeing him though. I am enjoying his friendship too much to do that.

Thanks ladies - I will continue to enjoy the gifts he gives. I am just not used to it. I was just raised by old fashioned southern women - don't accept gifts from a man because he will want something from you. I swear that is what my grandmother used to say to us and my mother said she and her sisters were told the same. You know those things you learn when you are young just stick with you, no matter how old fashioned they are.


Edited to add:
There was a thread about Nigerian men in Off Topic a few weeks ago right? That mess had me scurred.

 

[HoneyDew]

My cousin married an Ethiopian man and during their courting, he gave her and her family gifts on the regular. It would make me a little bit uncomfortable but the gifts seem practical in this case. I wouldn't return the gift giving on purpose.

P.S. HD, sounds like you let the other relationship go?

Yeah girl. Issues girl (he broke it off, actually). (if you have time one day, check out my blog)

I think that is why I am taking this one slow. You cannot just drop someone from your heart like that. Anyway, I met this new guy a while back but only recently have I allowed myself to just go ahead and enjoy his company and go out with him. Why not? I asked myself It is just simple, easy, mature fun. And my previous relationship is another reason why I am choosing NOT to be too physical with this new guy. It is just too soon. I am just taking it easy and having fun.

I enjoy the attention though. It is flattering.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Also, he is not American (Nigerian). I have never dated a guy from Nigeria before. Cultural maybe?

That explains it, its totally normal....im not saying ALL Nigerian men are generous tho

 

[donna894]

HD -- is this "airport guy"?

 

[Sly]

Okay I bet you are wondering why I am complaining. I am not. I enjoy getting presents. But, I am really not used to this.

I mean, this guy always gets me things. Nothing fancy or overly expensive but gifts, nonetheless. Very thoughtful gifts, too. I only drink red wine - he bought me a rose wine after trying it at a wine tasting because he thought I should try it. He bought me a DVD about a documentary on an author I like. Things like that. I have gotten 5 or 6 other things from him, too.

We are not intimate at all and we are still in the "courting" stage (is that word still used? ) We have been on about 8 or 9 dates and we communicate often via phone and email.

Is this odd? How should I handle it? I feel like I should give him something, too.

I have to be honest - I have been waiting to figure out what's wrong with him.

Also, he is not American (Nigerian). I have never dated a guy from Nigeria before. Cultural maybe?

That is wonderful. This is the way it (courting) is supposed to be.

 

[january noir]

HD -- is this "airport guy"?

It sounds like it!

Hey HoneyDew! This sounds so nice that you are dating this guy.
I know you love "D" but he hasn't realized that he really could lose you for all time. His loss. Anyway, enjoy yourself and love this attention.

He sounds very nice.

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Wait, new guy? I obviously missed something...

Anyway, just enjoy the gifts and the courting. I do believe it is a cultural thing. Be happy HoneyDew!

 

[HoneyDew]

HD -- is this "airport guy"?

yes.

And I like him too.

Okay here's the long story:

I am in a grey area of my love life right now. January Noir, "D" really does not know what he wants. He told me so. He said that after 4 years he hates that he does not know what he wants, but it is how he feels. He does NOT want to lose me, he says, but he does not know if he has it in him to maintain a relationship and give a woman the companionship she needs. I respect his honesty and I do speak with him from time to time. He is very aware that I have been hangin out with the "airport guy".

Sooooo, I am in the middle. But, I am really enjoying my communication with this new guy. I did meet him last October after travelling home from a business tip, but it has been only recently that things started going forward. I did not hear from him for months but he sent flowers to my job on Valentine's Day. I needed that. things were getting bad with "D". I actually thought the flowers were from "D" and was so happy and excited. i am sure you can imagine my surprise when I opened the box and the note from from "Airport Guy". I actually cried because I just KNEW that "D" sent those flower. Some emotions built up and the disappointment made me cry. the note said "Even though we don't get to speak to each other, I just wanted to let you know that I think of you often." I emailed him and after 2 months of email communication, we decided to start going out on dates.

Again, I ask myself - why not? I am not going to stop talking to someone that really is interested in me for a man that does not know what he wants. I would be stupid if I "waited". At least that is what I tell myself about this.

Anyway, I am just NOT used to getting things like this all the time. This is very new for me.

Anyway, we will see how this goes. I feel that he is in a different frame of mind than me and wants to settle down. I am not ready for that yet. But, we are two adults and no harm can be done in exploring whatever is going on here.

Sorry for such a long story. I let it out and you guys are the only ones that know what is going on in my life. LOL My mom and friends have no idea. They will be very surprised when they find out that I am seeing a Nigerian guy. I have always dated white guys (since I was a teenager) and I was married to a white guy, as well. I never did it on purpose, just happened that way. This will surprise them that not only is "D" on the outs, but that I am so interested in this "airport guy". "D" has love from my family and he has been a part of our lives for a long time. I have not been in the mood to share with them.

thanks for listening.

 

[Dee_33]

It does take time to get used to. My honey is Haitian and is very giving and sweet. He fills my car up every weekend and is always giving me gifts and paying for my expenses. He said he loves doing these things for me because he loves and cares about me. At first I was like why is he doing this but now I realize there's nothing wrong with letting someone treat you well.

 

[Bublin]

Uh oh. I'm sorry The moment you said Nigerian my spidey senses started to tingle. I don't trust those Nigerians (no offense to any Nigerians here) I went out with a few of them. Never again too aggressive and fast moving for me.

I will say enjoy the presents while they last because once he has you it might stop.

I thought the same drasgrl and i have had the same experience - he turned out to be broke - very broke - infact he was about to lose his house and he started asking me to help pay his mortgage.

 

[WomanlyCharm]

yes.

And I like him too.

Okay here's the long story:

I am in a grey area of my love life right now. January Noir, "D" really does not know what he wants. He told me so. He said that after 4 years he hates that he does not know what he wants, but it is how he feels. He does NOT want to lose me, he says, but he does not know if he has it in him to maintain a relationship and give a woman the companionship she needs. I respect his honesty and I do speak with him from time to time. He is very aware that I have been hangin out with the "airport guy".

Sooooo, I am in the middle. But, I am really enjoying my communication with this new guy. I did meet him last October after travelling home from a business tip, but it has been only recently that things started going forward. I did not hear from him for months but he sent flowers to my job on Valentine's Day. I needed that. things were getting bad with "D". I actually thought the flowers were from "D" and was so happy and excited. i am sure you can imagine my surprise when I opened the box and the note from from "Airport Guy". I actually cried because I just KNEW that "D" sent those flower. Some emotions built up and the disappointment made me cry. the note said "Even though we don't get to speak to each other, I just wanted to let you know that I think of you often." I emailed him and after 2 months of email communication, we decided to start going out on dates.

Again, I ask myself - why not? I am not going to stop talking to someone that really is interested in me for a man that does not know what he wants. I would be stupid if I "waited". At least that is what I tell myself about this.

Anyway, I am just NOT used to getting things like this all the time. This is very new for me.

Anyway, we will see how this goes. I feel that he is in a different frame of mind than me and wants to settle down. I am not ready for that yet. But, we are two adults and no harm can be done in exploring whatever is going on here.

Sorry for such a long story. I let it out and you guys are the only ones that know what is going on in my life. LOL My mom and friends have no idea. They will be very surprised when they find out that I am seeing a Nigerian guy. I have always dated white guys (since I was a teenager) and I was married to a white guy, as well. I never did it on purpose, just happened that way. This will surprise them that not only is "D" on the outs, but that I am so interested in this "airport guy". "D" has love from my family and he has been a part of our lives for a long time. I have not been in the mood to share with them.

thanks for listening.

I'm just glad you like him. You deserve someone great in your life, we all do.

 

[donna894]

I thought the same drasgrl and i have had the same experience - he turned out to be broke - very broke - infact he was about to lose his house and he started asking me to help pay his mortgage.

If that were to happen, I'm sure HD will know how to handle it :buttkick: to the curb, straight to the curb!

 

[january noir]

I'm just glad you like him. You deserve someone great in your life, we all do.

Co-signing!!!!

 

[new-life]

HoneyDew, see where it takes you. Just because a couple of people here had bad experiences with Nigerians don't mean they should all be categorized in a negative way. Anyway hopefully he's the one for you, do you girl.

 

[DragonPearl]

He sounds like a sweetheart.

Make it your personal project to become comfortable with receiving gifts. I suspect you're one of those "independent" women who needs to expand her capacity to receive.

 

[HoneyDew]

I thought the same drasgrl and i have had the same experience - he turned out to be broke - very broke - infact he was about to lose his house and he started asking me to help pay his mortgage.

That is crazy!! I am so sorry to hear about that. I cannot honestly say I have dated men that have been financial losers, but I have had to deal with a whole bunch of other crap. Chance you take, I guess.

One good thing is that I have had indication that this one is not broke. He may have other issues yet to be seen, but financial trouble doesn't seem to be one of them. As a matter of fact, his financial savvy intimidates me because my own finances are in need of a make-over.

The good thing is that he very educated and is a professional. His family is the same way. Not that you can totally gauge a person by looking at the family, but coming from a strong educated family does give a person the foundation to be successful, as well.

 

[HoneyDew]

He sounds like a sweetheart.

Make it your personal project to become comfortable with receiving gifts. I suspect you're one of those "independent" women who needs to expand her capacity to receive.

I like the way you put that, and yes maybe that is it exactly.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Congrats, HoneyDew...I had no idea your long term was "outta here." I'm happy you are adjusting to being in a new relationship..enjoy!

 

[HoneyDew]

Congrats, HoneyDew...I had no idea your long term was "outta here." I'm happy you are adjusting to being in a new relationship..enjoy!

Girl, I have not gotten rid of my long term totally from my heart. How long do those studies say you need to give yourself? After all these years together... I am just not ready to totally jump into something new - not wholeheartedly, at least.

The problem I am having now is that this new guy seems to want things to go a little further, if you know what I mean. I am definitely NOT ready for that! I am not sure when I will be ready for that. But, so far he has not pushed it. I can just tell. I am sure he wonders why I am not very affectionate.

I am just not ready. I wonder how long I can carry things as they are before the conversation about intimacy comes up. That may also be another reason why it is hard for me to except all of the gifts. Part of me feels guilty for accepting them, knowing that my heart is not totally free yet.

It's funny, back in the day, after 3 or 4 dates, if I liked a man I would have thought something was wrong if we had not been intimate or at least comfortable enough to make out. By 8 or 9 dates! - man, we would have definitely already had some kinda physical contact. I am just a different woman now. I guess, my heart and values are different. I don't put so much weight on the physical aspect of things. Plus I really do love my ex. He really added a lot to my life in the last 4 years.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Girl, I have not gotten rid of my long term totally from my heart. How long do those studies say you need to give yourself? After all these years together... I am just not ready to totally jump into something new - not wholeheartedly, at least.

The problem I am having now is that this new guy seems to want things to go a little further, if you know what I mean. I am definitely NOT ready for that! I am not sure when I will be ready for that. But, so far he has not pushed it. I can just tell. I am sure he wonders why I am not very affectionate.

I am just not ready. I wonder how long I can carry things as they are before the conversation about intimacy comes up. That may also be another reason why it is hard for me to except all of the gifts. Part of me feels guilty for accepting them, knowing that my heart is not totally free yet.

It's funny, back in the day, after 3 or 4 dates, if I liked a man I would have thought something was wrong if we had not been intimate or at least comfortable enough to make out. By 8 or 9 dates! - man, we would have definitely already had some kinda physical contact. I am just a different woman now. I guess, my heart and values are different. I don't put so much weight on the physical aspect of things. Plus I really do love my ex. He really added a lot to my life in the last 4 years.

I hear you and can really identify with what you are going through. I talk with my Long Distance Knight daily {he calls me most times, sometimes I ignore his calls}but we do not see each other anymore.
The man is still in my heart and probably always will be but I have to move on. Studies say you should give it a minimum of a year between a serious relationship and another one. Why not tell Mr.Airport you just are not ready yet?

 

[EMJazzy]

I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

 

[Farida]

I worry about that type of behavior and I'll explain why.

Most people are on their best behavior when they first start dating. Trouble comes when our SO accustoms as to a lifestyle he cannot sustain.

I saw this happen with one of my friends. Her guy would buy her ridiculous gifts. If she wanted an I-Pod he bought her one in every color. He bought her mom flowers every week. You'd think he was ballin'.

Nope. He had just come from Iraq and had all this tax-free cash saved up. Sure enough he ran out of his cash and couldn't even afford an engagement ring for her, and he is now taking out a loan to pay for the wedding.

His girl is spoiled as heck now because he got her used to it, and now their relationship feels boring. She still expects gifts and he goes out of his way to get them for her.

I would say OP, enjoy the gifts but keep an eye out:
1. Is he using the gifts to compensate for something else?
2. Is he expecting anything in return?
3. Can he sustain this lifestyle?
4. Can he afford this lifestyle?

Basically be concerned about his finances and his investment in this. will it all stop once he has you? Are you ok with that?

 

[Keen]

HD,

I just read your blog. Didn't you move to MD just for that job or were you commuting? Have you found a new job yet?