Am I Being A Diva For Being Disappointed?

Are y’all reading the same thing I’m reading because this is super duper weird and I’m not understanding these “oh he’s just bad at gifts!” replies :look:


This isn’t bad gift giving, this man literally stole someone else’s cards and never admitted it (aka lied). Lying ain’t never ever ever okay. You probably haven’t dated a liar before, but I have and they aren’t worth the trouble

You can’t really call this relationship unproblematic when a man is lying to you..

Did he even apologize? (If no? Also a red flag)


You also mentioned he ordered your gift super late for Christmas...also red flag and a sign he might be incredibly bad with money


I know you like this man and will continue to date him, but I seriously suggest you look at him and your relationship a bit more objectively

And No, you’re not a diva; learning to trust your inner “bs-detector” is a must

And Yes, return that lingerie, ASAP
 
TinyBlu said:
Soooo... I did bring up the cards by mentioning that it was "so funny" that I had purchased the same cards a couple weeks ago and it was "interesting" that they showed up. He never really came clean about the cards, but at least he knew I was onto him.

As for the giving of gifts, I started the conversation by asking him how he felt about holidays, etc. I've seen what he does for his family and it appears that he just throws money at the problem. Case in point... he sent his mother a case of meat. That was enlightening. He also stated that it makes him a bit uncomfortable that I DON'T value things because in the past, he would give a designer purse or a gift card or jewelry. Since I didn't mention wanting anything, he went with the "safe" favorite candy.

I get it. He's bad at giving gifts, and he tried. We agreed on a couple things. I would give him access to an Amazon wish list (I would go bananas over a new pair of Uggs) and since he like throwing money at an issue, we chose a local food pantry, and he wrote a check. We also agreed to spend this weekend volunteering there and speaking my love language... quality time.

There are a lot worse issues I could be dealing with, so I'm glad I approached it tactfully. He doesn't do subtle. I get it, and I may ease up on my gift giving, because I end up so stressed trying to do the perfect gift. Equal effort, equal reward...
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Sorry but you're not going about this the right way. You need to be live and direct about what you want and how you need to be treated. I feel like he's running game. A dude doesn't go from normally giving designer purses and jewelry, to peanut butter cups. Then he flips it on you to make it seem like HE is uncomfortable with YOU for not putting value on gifts? Nah.

This is how I believe women end up in relationships where they learn to deal with accepting less and growng a tolerance to experiencing little disappointments all the time regarding things that matter to them. And if volunteering is something you love to do that's great, but this was valentines day so please make this about you and only you. Don't feel compelled to broaden the scope of what he can pay attention to or how yall can split quality time that should be all yours. Forget what he got his mother, that has nothing to do with the cost of tea in China. He needs to do better for you. Make this about YOU. Bold and unapologetically. Bump that.
 
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TinyBlu said:
Soooo... I did bring up the cards by mentioning that it was "so funny" that I had purchased the same cards a couple weeks ago and it was "interesting" that they showed up. He never really came clean about the cards, but at least he knew I was onto him.

As for the giving of gifts, I started the conversation by asking him how he felt about holidays, etc. I've seen what he does for his family and it appears that he just throws money at the problem. Case in point... he sent his mother a case of meat. That was enlightening. He also stated that it makes him a bit uncomfortable that I DON'T value things because in the past, he would give a designer purse or a gift card or jewelry. Since I didn't mention wanting anything, he went with the "safe" favorite candy.

I get it. He's bad at giving gifts, and he tried. We agreed on a couple things. I would give him access to an Amazon wish list (I would go bananas over a new pair of Uggs) and since he like throwing money at an issue, we chose a local food pantry, and he wrote a check. We also agreed to spend this weekend volunteering there and speaking my love language... quality time.

There are a lot worse issues I could be dealing with, so I'm glad I approached it tactfully. He doesn't do subtle. I get it, and I may ease up on my gift giving, because I end up so stressed trying to do the perfect gift. Equal effort, equal reward...
Click to expand...


This turned out pretty good, glad to hear the little talk worked out well.
 
TinyBlu said:
Soooo... I did bring up the cards by mentioning that it was "so funny" that I had purchased the same cards a couple weeks ago and it was "interesting" that they showed up. He never really came clean about the cards, but at least he knew I was onto him.

As for the giving of gifts, I started the conversation by asking him how he felt about holidays, etc. I've seen what he does for his family and it appears that he just throws money at the problem. Case in point... he sent his mother a case of meat. That was enlightening. He also stated that it makes him a bit uncomfortable that I DON'T value things because in the past, he would give a designer purse or a gift card or jewelry. Since I didn't mention wanting anything, he went with the "safe" favorite candy.

I get it. He's bad at giving gifts, and he tried. We agreed on a couple things. I would give him access to an Amazon wish list (I would go bananas over a new pair of Uggs) and since he like throwing money at an issue, we chose a local food pantry, and he wrote a check. We also agreed to spend this weekend volunteering there and speaking my love language... quality time.

There are a lot worse issues I could be dealing with, so I'm glad I approached it tactfully. He doesn't do subtle. I get it, and I may ease up on my gift giving, because I end up so stressed trying to do the perfect gift. Equal effort, equal reward...
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I'm glad you were able to get a little bit of clarification on his thoughts when it comes to gift giving. However, I think he may have missed where you are coming from. He says he feels uncomfortable that you don't value things such as designer purses or jewelry. You mentioned in your original post that you don't carry a purse, nor do you wear jewelry. He should understand that when it comes to those things its not a matter of you not valuing them, its just not your preference and if he is going to spend a significant amount of money it should at least be something that you like. You say his solution is to throw money at the problem, yet he didn't bother spending money on a card for you and the gifts that he did give you are inexpensive and he put very little thought in to them. Like others have said, not fessing up to the card situation, although funny in some regards, is a red flag. I agree that the issues could be worse, but keep your eyes open.
 
Iwanthealthyhair67 said:
This turned out pretty good, glad to hear the little talk worked out well.
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It didn’t turn out well at all to me. Even after her addressing the cards, albeit in a roundabout way, he still couldn’t just come clean that he found/stole them. Major red flag. If he can’t just admit to this, when he’s obviously been caught, and give her the respect of explaining “what had happened”, it doesn’t look good for their future, imo. A man that can’t fess up to his lie/deception even when confronted with it, is one I want far from me. But op seems ready to just gloss over it because he’s been good for a lil 6 months, so I wish her well.
 
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Warning ladies—Men assign the value to us that we assign to ourselves. Valentine cards tend to be expensive and you probably selected cards that conveyed your thoughts about HIM.

Also, just my opinion which is worthless—make him select and pick up gifts for his family. Look at as training. You can go with him but don’t be the the errand girl. That’s saying that his time is more value than yours and you are the one risking exposure to COVID.
 
Just send him this link for future Peanut Butter Cup purchases on special day. The article says it all About my favorite brand. By the way I sent this chocolate to a friend years ago—he didn’t make it—-but his granddaughter called me the beginning of January and asked what brand it was.

www.tasteofhome.com

We Tried Popular Valentine's Day Chocolates. Find Out Which Brand We're Sweet On.

When it comes to the chocolates you want to get February 14, we've got you covered.
www.tasteofhome.com www.tasteofhome.com
 
Transformer said:
Warning ladies—Men assign the value to us that we assign to ourselves. Valentine cards tend to be expensive and you probably selected cards that conveyed your thoughts about HIM.

Also, just my opinion which is worthless—make him select and pick up gifts for his family. Look at as training. You can go with him but don’t be the the errand girl. That’s saying that his time is more value than yours and you are the one risking exposure to COVID.
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I have a married friend who has done this. She loves to tell you how low maintenance she is and it saddens me. She is doing all of what you stated above. And I know her husband loves her but it seems that part of that love is based on the fact that he has to do so little due to her low maintenance. Idk if that makes sense.
 
BrownBetty said:
I have a married friend who has done this. She loves to tell you how low maintenance she is and it saddens me. She is doing all of what you stated above. And I know her husband loves her but it seems that part of that love is based on the fact that he has to do so little due to her low maintenance. Idk if that makes sense.
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It’s fine until she WANTS more which is what happened with me. As I’ve stated before since we married very young and broke, I had no choice but to be low maintenance. As our financial status improved I expected him to make more of an effort on a day that is significant to me/us. I also did the shopping for everyone’s gift, sent cards for whatever the occasion for his family and friends. I stunted his growth, never requiring that he develop. He loves to throw money at a situation because it requires very little effort on his part. Here is an actual gift he gave me once. I was not amused. Like our finances aren’t joint. I’ve never given him money as a gift.
 

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BrownBetty said:
I have a married friend who has done this. She loves to tell you how low maintenance she is and it saddens me. She is doing all of what you stated above. And I know her husband loves her but it seems that part of that love is based on the fact that he has to do so little due to her low maintenance. Idk if that makes sense.
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It’s a pick me attitude when a woman tells a man she is, prides herself on being low maintenance. You might not need jewelry, fancy dinners, clothes, and accessories, but like it was mentioned getting a car wash pass is a great gift, or just something to make your life less complicated is the idea here. The thought is what counts to gift giving. It shows a person how truly they are valued in a relationship/friendship.
 
Evolving78 said:
It’s a pick me attitude when a woman tells a man she is, prides herself on being low maintenance. You might not need jewelry, fancy dinners, clothes, and accessories, but like it was mentioned getting a car wash pass is a great gift, or just something to make your life less complicated is the idea here. The thought is what counts to gift giving. It shows a person how truly they are valued in a relationship/friendship.
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I won’t go as far to say it is a pick me attitude as much as women always put others ahead of ourselves and excuse or accommodate unthoughtful behavior by men. It’s like it is expected of them, we mentally justify, and they get a free pass. We make life easy for them. But this pre occupation with only their needs seeps in other areas of life. Now my spouse helped with housework, was very hands on raising the kids and very attentive to their needs. Not so much with me. His view is “the money is there, i don’t know what you like, make yourself happy.” But I remind him that I know what he likes or needs. Tonight he even laughed when I told him that I knew the 5k “gift “ was a last minute Mother’s Day Gift some years ago because he didn’t bother to plan. I’ve kept that picture as “Exhibit A” of his behavior.
 
Transformer said:
I won’t go as far to say it is a pick me attitude as much as women always put others ahead of ourselves and excuse or accommodate unthoughtful behavior by men. It’s like it is expected of them, we mentally justify, and they get a free pass. We make life easy for them. But this pre occupation with only their needs seeps in other areas of life. Now my spouse helped with housework, was very hands on raising the kids and very attentive to their needs. Not so much with me. His view is “the money is there, i don’t know what you like, make yourself happy.” But I remind him that I know what he likes or needs. Tonight he even laughed when I told him that I knew the 5k “gift “ was a last minute Mother’s Day Gift some years ago because he didn’t bother to plan. I’ve kept that picture as “Exhibit A” of his behavior.
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I stand by it. The “Pick me” mindset is essentially saying “I value you more than I value myself”, and if I do all of these things for you, hopefully without me speaking up for what I really want, you will do all of those things for me too. It’s seeking outside validation. That type of behavior is manipulating and leans heavily on codependency. Or just flat out narcissistic. Being altruistic can have a dark side.
And another thing
Being accommodating to men that are thoughtless is all about settling just for the sake of having a man.
 
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Theresamonet said:
What were you thinking? My second theory was that he thought he was stealing them from roommates or someone else who lives in his home. But op never addressed my question of if he lives with others.
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I was thinking that he's used to women who don't speak up for themselves and knowingly gave her the cards she bought because he knew she wouldn't say anything. I don't think this was the plan from the beginning but he wasn't prepared and decided that her getting her own cards was less awkward, for him, than not giving her anything. I think that if she were the type to confront him directly on his stuff, in real time, he wouldn't have tried this.

Sorry OP but you let him off easy. It's okay to call a spade a spade and tell him what he did wasn't cool and isn't something you'll accept. It doesn't have to be an argument and you won't become the angry black woman for having standards and boundaries. I hate to think the worst about people but senility is the best explanation aside from him being a jerk.
 
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Black Ambrosia said:
I was thinking that he's used to women who don't speak up for themselves and knowingly gave her the cards she bought because he knew she wouldn't say anything. I don't think this was the plan from the beginning but he wasn't prepared and decided that her getting her own cards was less awkward, for him, than not giving her anything. I think that if she were the type to confront him directly on his stuff, in real time, he wouldn't have tried this.

Sorry OP but you let him off easy. It's okay to call a spade a spade and tell him what he did wasn't cool and isn't something you'll accept. It doesn't have to be an argument and you won't become the angry black woman for having standards and boundaries. I hate to think the worst about people but senility is the best explanation aside from him being a jerk.
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This sounds worse to me. In this scenario he intentionally mistreats her because he knows she won’t stand up for herself. That’s abusive, imo.

I don’t know which of us has got it right, but the fact that he didn’t offer op an explanation when she addressed it, makes me think it’s less likely that he’s senile and is closer to a worst case scenario.
 
Theresamonet said:
This sounds worse to me. In this scenario he intentionally mistreats her because he knows she won’t stand up for herself. That’s abusive, imo.

I don’t know which of us has got it right, but the fact that he didn’t offer op an explanation when she addressed it, makes me think it’s less likely that he’s senile and is closer to a worst case scenario.
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I don't think it was intentional. I don't think he set out to be hurtful or mistreat her. The vibe I'm getting is that he did what was easy for him and in his best interest. He probably doesn't believe she's hurt if she doesn't speak up for herself. I don't know if that would change his behavior going forward but men who act selfishly will use your not speaking up as justification ("I had no idea. How was I supposed to know?...") when the blow up argument happens later on. Never mind that he didn't buy the cards. By the time this is dealt with the conversation will focus on what she did or didn't do.

OP I really hate that this is all so negative. For your sake, I hope I'm dead wrong.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
I don't think it was intentional. I don't think he set out to be hurtful or mistreat her. The vibe I'm getting is that he did what was easy for him and in his best interest. He probably doesn't believe she's hurt if she doesn't speak up for herself. I don't know if that would change his behavior going forward but men who act selfishly will use your not speaking up as justification ("I had no idea. How was I supposed to know?...") when the blow up argument happens later on. Never mind that he didn't buy the cards. By the time this is dealt with the conversation will focus on what she did or didn't do.

OP I really hate that this is all so negative. For your sake, I hope I'm dead wrong.
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How could it in any way be unintentional if he knew that she would know they were her own cards?? But since it was the easiest option, and he knows she’s not going to confront him, he does it anyway. That’s a deliberate hurtful and disrespectful action.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
I don't think it was intentional. I don't think he set out to be hurtful or mistreat her. The vibe I'm getting is that he did what was easy for him and in his best interest. He probably doesn't believe she's hurt if she doesn't speak up for herself. I don't know if that would change his behavior going forward but men who act selfishly will use your not speaking up as justification ("I had no idea. How was I supposed to know?...") when the blow up argument happens later on. Never mind that he didn't buy the cards. By the time this is dealt with the conversation will focus on what she did or didn't do.

OP I really hate that this is all so negative. For your sake, I hope I'm dead wrong.
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I would give him the benefit of the doubt as you do EXCEPT that he never apologized


ETA

Let me stop lying , the stealing someone else’s cards would have been a deal breaker

How can you not call him selfish , he stole someone else’s cards and gave her freaking reeves cups ?

This thread is so strange with the amount of women telling OP to overlook this man’s obviously poor character

As the old folks say “Y’all putting too much on it” for six months
 
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Theresamonet said:
I don’t think he knew exactly. I think that they aren’t as exclusive as op thinks. He assumed that he was giving cards from woman A to woman B, but made an oopsie by giving it to the woman who actually left them.
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That escalated quickly


giphy.gif
 
TinyBlu said:
A couple weeks ago, I bought two Valentine's day cards with plans to give them to him today. I must have left the bag at his house because I couldn't find them. I received them today from HIM.
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I could give him a pass on all the other stuff but not this one. He passed off those items as if they were his own. This is like straight up lying in my view. Also, the fact that he gives you gifts that seem like afterthoughts is very telling. You already had your answer before you started this thread. After all, advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t.
 
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