Am I Being A Diva For Being Disappointed?

Theresamonet said:
The way it SEEMS is that he knows the cards were for him, but assumed they were from someone else. And since there was nothing written, he figured he’d go ahead and regift. That’s bigger than just being a bad gift.
Bad gifting is a common man issue that can be remedied. But last minute/afterthought/stolen/found/regifted gifting, especially when the relationship is so new, is a red flag for me.
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Period!
 
Transformer said:
ME: I don’t think I would convey to a new romantic interest that he doesn’t have to put much effort or thought into a gift.
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@TinyBlu i think that’s where you went wrong. A lot of women, including me, have made the same mistake. So I see where you’re coming from. You’re terrified of being seeing as demanding (diva is the word you used) so you go the complete opposite and let him know you’re very low maintenance. I’ve done that before. Huge mistake. What that does is It tells him he doesn’t need to put in a lot effort or spend a lot of money on you. I learned my lesson. Now I consider myself high maintenance and have no trouble saying so to anyone who asks.
 
Browndilocks said:
Sorry but you're not going about this the right way. You need to be live and direct about what you want and how you need to be treated. I feel like he's running game. A dude doesn't go from normally giving designer purses and jewelry, to peanut butter cups. Then he flips it on you to make it seem like HE is uncomfortable with YOU for not putting value on gifts? Nah.

This is how I believe women end up in relationships where they learn to deal with accepting less and growng a tolerance to experiencing little disappointments all the time regarding things that matter to them. And if volunteering is something you love to do that's great, but this was valentines day so please make this about you and only you. Don't feel compelled to broaden the scope of what he can pay attention to or how yall can split quality time that should be all yours. Forget what he got his mother, that has nothing to do with the cost of tea in China. He needs to do better for you. Make this about YOU. Bold and unapologetically. Bump that.
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:amen:
 
I'm late on this post BUT I can't believe he gave you - YOUR cards! :lachen::lachen::lachen: Like WTH! I thought he was being cheaped until you mentioned he said he normally gives designer bags and stuff. My ex initially wasn't that great with gifts but I give thoughtful great gifts and he started listening. If it was close to my birthday or Xmas I would mention something "out of the blue" but timed. But I think he got better because again I give great gifts! I really like giving gifts more than receiving them but its nice to get something I want every so often.
 
OP please don't listen to anyone here suggesting that your man is a cheater or that somehow bad gift giving isn't a thing.

Some women are low maintenance (but also want nice gifts like you), some men are terrible gift givers and can't change without help. Especially an older man with a grandkid, he might not have even thought much about how the cards got there... someone bought them at some time and left it in his place.

Gifting is so personal - my husband of 10 yrs (17 together) tried endlessly to surprise me and it always fell flat because I always get whatever I want whenever I want... so I never really wanted/needed whatever he got me despite his desire to surprise me always. I now have a list of things that I really want in a publicly available wishlist... I remove something from the list if I buy it and he is quick to say "oh babe I'll grab X from your list for your birthday so don't buy it". He still gets his fix to surprise me by buying me dinner from my favorite restaurant, cooking the family a nice meal before I get back from work if he gets in early, clean house before I get up on Saturday, giving money towards my personal training sessions etc...

He should have come clean about the cards, but another possible explanation is that he felt shame about it and found a way to "defend" himself.

Make your amazon wish list so he knows exactly what you want, pay attention to how he makes you feel otherwise... secure, loved, happy.... if your man is cheating on you I promise there are other ways to tell other than his bad gift giving tendencies.
 
Just about every store, including gas stations, carry “traditional” Valentine‘s Day gifts well after the holiday so even if it was last minute, his actions show that he didn’t bother trying. Didn’t think to take you out? Didn’t think to surprise you with the lingerie he expressed liking? Reese cups and regifted cards, how? A man who doesn’t know what to gift the woman he cares about will still try. He isn’t a bad gifter. He just didn’t care...this time or for your birthday. Hopefully, he’s not the only man you‘re dating.

I agree with telling men what to get you or at least putting up a vision board with those items where it can be seen by them.
 
JudithO said:
OP please don't listen to anyone here suggesting that your man is a cheater or that somehow bad gift giving isn't a thing.

Some women are low maintenance (but also want nice gifts like you), some men are terrible gift givers and can't change without help. Especially an older man with a grandkid, he might not have even thought much about how the cards got there... someone bought them at some time and left it in his place.

Gifting is so personal - my husband of 10 yrs (17 together) tried endlessly to surprise me and it always fell flat because I always get whatever I want whenever I want... so I never really wanted/needed whatever he got me despite his desire to surprise me always. I now have a list of things that I really want in a publicly available wishlist... I remove something from the list if I buy it and he is quick to say "oh babe I'll grab X from your list for your birthday so don't buy it". He still gets his fix to surprise me by buying me dinner from my favorite restaurant, cooking the family a nice meal before I get back from work if he gets in early, clean house before I get up on Saturday, giving money towards my personal training sessions etc...

He should have come clean about the cards, but another possible explanation is that he felt shame about it and found a way to "defend" himself.

Make your amazon wish list so he knows exactly what you want, pay attention to how he makes you feel otherwise... secure, loved, happy.... if your man is cheating on you I promise there are other ways to tell other than his bad gift giving tendencies.
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Bad gift giving is absolutely a thing. My husband once surprised me with a puppy that looked like the one that I had when I was a kid. I did not want a puppy. :lol:

Giving someone the cards that they accidentally left at your house without realizing it is a sign of something other than bad gift giving. Why didn’t he know that he was giving the OP her cards back? Who did he think left the cards at his house? Who gives someone gas station candy?
 
Kanky said:
Bad gift giving is absolutely a thing. My husband once surprised me with a puppy that looked like the one that I had when I was a kid. I did not want a puppy. :lol:

Giving someone the cards that they accidentally left at your house without realizing it is a sign of something other than bad gift giving. Why didn’t he know that he was giving the OP her cards back? Who did he think left the cards at his house? Who gives someone gas station candy?
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true to the bolded
 
Besides the lying, lack of accountability, and lack of direct real-time communication, I would have been completely turned off by the drugstore candy.

He put absolutely no effort into your gift. Like none! This is not ok even if you publically declare that you “dislike things” while secretly longing for them, regardless of how small, in private.

I mean he literally handed you $1.07 and a stolen card. Are you sure he’s single?
 
Kanky said:
Bad gift giving is absolutely a thing. My husband once surprised me with a puppy that looked like the one that I had when I was a kid. I did not want a puppy. :lol:

Giving someone the cards that they accidentally left at your house without realizing it is a sign of something other than bad gift giving. Why didn’t he know that he was giving the OP her cards back? Who did he think left the cards at his house? Who gives someone gas station candy?
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Admittedly, gas station candy is foul ... worse than the recycled cards to me.... BUT I still think it’s a problem that can be worked on.
 
Sounds like he is used to getting off easy in terms of gifting thoughtfulness, easy purse or jewelry purchases... All women like these things right? You are going to challenge him in that regard. Maybe if you help him understand why you want the things you put on your Amazon list, he will begin to understand the thought that comes with gifting and begin to surprise you the way you like
 
Theresamonet said:
How could it in any way be unintentional if he knew that she would know they were her own cards?? But since it was the easiest option, and he knows she’s not going to confront him, he does it anyway. That’s a deliberate hurtful and disrespectful action.
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Exactly. No good can come of this. It is not just about the cards, it is what the whole thing represents on many levels: all mentioned in this thread including what Op assumes is harmless, but is really point blank stealing with the audacity to try to ignore, and when unsuccessful, to justify their actions.


This is the beginning of the relationship and if OP writes this off as nothing, she has a possible lifetime of at minimum clueless, inconsiderate actions by a man who puts in the bare minimum ,and does not respect or value her.

This is the time where he should be working to pursue her not sigh, grab the Reese from his pocket (or the local gas station while filling up) then sighing again at home, look around, pick up Lint (oops gift cards this time lucky her) off the table and repackage it as a gift because she usually doesn't ask for or want designer things :look: .
 
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kimpaur said:
I would give him the benefit of the doubt as you do EXCEPT that he never apologized


ETA

Let me stop lying , the stealing someone else’s cards would have been a deal breaker

How can you not call him selfish , he stole someone else’s cards and gave her freaking reeves cups ?

This thread is so strange with the amount of women telling OP to overlook this man’s obviously poor character

As the old folks say “Y’all putting too much on it” for six months
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Yeah it's not worth it.
 
biznesswmn said:
Sounds like he is used to getting off easy in terms of gifting thoughtfulness, easy purse or jewelry purchases... All women like these things right? You are going to challenge him in that regard. Maybe if you help him understand why you want the things you put on your Amazon list, he will begin to understand the thought that comes with gifting and begin to surprise you the way you like
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I believe this was also BS fed to op to place some of the blame onto her. “Oh, I typically buy designer bags and jewels... but you said you don’t like that, so here’s some crap I found”. :rolleyes: A man who actually cares, and a man who is used to giving jewelry as gifts, would actually go and buy a card, and a nice box of candy from a chocolatier. They wouldn’t default to stealing cards and buying a bag of gas station candy.
 
This is why exclusivity should be given carefully...
This is low value behavior. Period.
Even if he's not good at selecting gifts, a high value man is a provider and he will provide the best he can within his means.
He's not going to give left over cards that he found at his house to his woman.
Gifts are not my love language but I'm allergic to stingy men.
Good luck.
 
Theresamonet said:
I believe this was also BS fed to op to place some of the blame onto her. “Oh, I typically buy designer bags and jewels... but you said you don’t like that, so here’s some crap I found”. :rolleyes: A man who actually cares, and a man who is used to giving jewelry as gifts, would actually go and buy a card, and a nice box of candy from a chocolatier. They wouldn’t default to stealing cards and buying a bag of gas station candy.
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I thought the same thing too. To go from jewelry and designer bags to 2 reeses cups and a couple of pilfered cards is absurd.
 
JudithO said:
Admittedly, gas station candy is foul ... worse than the recycled cards to me.... BUT I still think it’s a problem that can be worked on.
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Normally I’d agree with you. This case is different.

1. they’ve only been official for 6 months and he’s already showing his a**. :down: It’s not like they’ve been together for years and he’s just now slipping cuz he got comfortable. Nope. He ain’t lifting a finger from the start. That’s usually when people show their best selves. So it’s only going downhill from here.

2. He stole her cards, regifted them to her, lied about it. When she calls him out on it (in a roundabout way) he doesn’t come clean. That’s a character flaw that’s most likely not gonna change at his big age. I mean he’s already a grandfather. C’mon!

3. I also think he’s probably seeing other women but Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Say he’s not seeing other women, then who could’ve possibly left the cards? His friends and family. So that means he’s stealing from his friends, his kids or grandkids and passing off their things as his own. That’s an even bigger red flag in my book!

4. he tells OP that he throws money at things and problems and is used to buying women expensive things etc... then he is buying her gas station candy and giving her stolen cards and Reese’s cups for Valentine’s Day?! I don’t believe his story. It doesn’t add up for me. I could be wrong though. Plus him saying that is a passive aggressive way to blame OP for the lack of effort he put into the gifts he’s given her. Since OP DID say she was low maintenance and doesn’t care about expensive things, it must be her fault:rolleyes:.

5. He lacks maturity because when OP called him out on the theft he didn’t admit it. If it was out of embarrassment the mature thing to do would’ve been to come clean, apologize to her and make amends. He did none of those.
 
caribeandiva said:
I mean he’s already a grandfather. C’mon!


4. he tells OP that he throws money at things and problems and is used to buying women expensive things etc... then he is buying her gas station candy and giving her stolen cards and Reese’s cups for Valentine’s Day?! I don’t believe his story. It doesn’t add up for me. I could be wrong though. Plus him saying that is a passive aggressive way to blame OP for the lack of effort he put into the gifts he’s given her. Since OP DID say she was low maintenance and doesn’t care about expensive things, it must be her fault:rolleyes:.
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The bolded is what does it for me. Not a 20 year old, but a GRANDFATHER who should know better and based upon his own admission, does. There is no excuse. Absolutely NONE. Yet in still he would rather gaslight OP into thinking he's bad at buying gifts and it's her fault.:hand: He already told her that he does buy nice gifts, just not for her.

For every guy I dated who gave me a bad gift, that was the first and last time. I tell them straight out "I don't like this, you need to try harder" Shoot I told that to my current SO when we first started dating. He got me some BBW candles for xmas knowing good and well I have like 50 of those things in my cabinet. Tombout some "I know you like them". Yeah boo that's why I got 50 already... try harder. I learned that a long time ago from an older woman I admire whose husband treats her considerably well.

I'd love to hear a happily divorced woman's perspective on this.
 
Browndilocks said:
The bolded is what does it for me. Not a 20 year old, but a GRANDFATHER who should know better and based upon his own admission, does. There is no excuse. Absolutely NONE. Yet in still he would rather gaslight OP into thinking he's bad at buying gifts and it's her fault.:hand: He already told her that he does buy nice gifts, just not for her.

For every guy I dated who gave me a bad gift, that was the first and last time. I tell them straight out "I don't like this, you need to try harder" Shoot I told that to my current SO when we first started dating. He got me some BBW candles for xmas knowing good and well I have like 50 of those things in my cabinet. Tombout some "I know you like them". Yeah boo that's why I got 50 already... try harder. I learned that a long time ago from an older woman I admire whose husband treats her considerably well.

I'd love to hear a happily divorced woman's perspective on this.
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I'm not happily divorced but I am happily married and let me tell you something, from the beginning I have always communicated with my husband in a very clear and concise way in regards to my wants and needs. I soften it up when we talk about other things but he can never and has never been able to use not knowing where I stand as an excuse for his missteps.

I remember he purchased a perfume for me that I absolutely hated...
ME: Thank you so much baby. I appreciate the thought, however, this fragrance is not something I would ever wear.
HIM: Ohhhh shoot. Really? I thought you would love this. I saw that you clipped a picture of it out of it from your Ulta catalog.
ME: No, I clipped the $10 coupon that was on the other side of that photo.
HIM: (slaps forehead). Dang. I'm sorry babe. Here I was thinking I was doing something.
ME: It's ok, I know you meant well. You know what I do love? I adore [insert current fragrance fav here].

(the next day)
HIM: Hey babe...guess what I got you?
ME: That fragrance I like????!
HIM: YES!!!! I can't have you smelling crazy out here. I had to fix my mistake.
ME: (gives him the biggest hug, kiss). Awwww babe... thank you so much. You always take such amazing care of me. What would I do without you?

You all get the idea. I was direct without being disrespectful. I told him what I liked. He fixed it and he got all the love and ego-stroking from me. You have to teach people how to treat you well and being scared to talk to men or misleading in your communication approach does not work.
 
I totally missed the revelation that this man is grandfather aged...


giphy.gif
 
BrownBetty said:
I have a married friend who has done this. She loves to tell you how low maintenance she is and it saddens me. She is doing all of what you stated above. And I know her husband loves her but it seems that part of that love is based on the fact that he has to do so little due to her low maintenance. Idk if that makes sense.
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Makes a lot of sense to me and I'm learning to not think that just because I'm low maintenance that I don't want no thoughtful gifts. I keep a list of gifts for me and for him. My list is super long and he can pick from them anytime :) Man I remember his first gift to me LMAO! A pair of fake diamond earrings and bracelet that you can get from the beauty supply store. I kept it just to remind him, don't you EVAH, EVAH EVAH EVAH bring this mess to me no'mo.
Get the bag, sell it and get the loot to donate win win lol
 
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I'm surprised no one has mentioned what I've heard on this board so often about giving gifts to men early on in a relationship.
If you gave less perhaps you wouldn't have had an issue with his gifts. Still a good experience to have early on as it may highlight other behaviors you may not have been aware of.
 
Fine 4s said:
I'm surprised no one has mentioned what I've heard on this board so often about giving gifts to men early on in a relationship.
If you gave less perhaps you wouldn't have had an issue with his gifts. Still a good experience to have early on as it may highlight other behaviors you may not have been aware of.
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Well women have no problem giving sex early, so what’s the big deal with a gift?
 
Evolving78 said:
Well women have no problem giving sex early, so what’s the big deal with a gift?
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Not taking a position on that actually. My comment was as stated simply surprised no one said that. When I was more active in this thread, folks would go on and on about that. Maybe those folks aren't on the board anymore *shrug*
 
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