Fear is leading me & I am not sure how to stop it

[Reslnt1]

I must say that out of all the responses I had, this one really mirrored what I felt/feel. The games seem great but Like you said when i dont call him, it hurts me just as much. And honestly he doesn't appear to be like the others.......so....i will give him a chance.....and allow myself to be a vulnerable w/o being foolish.....
thanks a bunch

I just started dating someone a few months ago myself and after the 1st month it seemed like we had power struggles going on.

I had to tell him over and over in a tender way that we were on the same team and that I wasn't trying to intentionally hurt him or diminish his manhood in any way by my words or actions so it was okay for him to let his guard down. I made up in my mind I wanted it to work with him and once you both make that decision there is no other decision to make.

Even when I felt he may have been wrong about something insignificant but I was blowing it out of the water because he wasn't doing it the way I wanted, I had to correct myself and then I still approached him with love and kindness. I made it very clear that if I called him after an argument to say I was sorry or to keep the peace it wasn't because I was weak or giving in, it was because I loved him and I wanted us to get over it and get back to US. I also told him why would I want to not talk to you for 2-3 days because of a petty argument and that it hurt like hell not to talk to him during that time and he expressed the same thing.

You know what, he finally got it. Now, we cuss each other out and a hour or so later we are talking again. We know it doesn't mean we are breaking up, rather I had to tell you about your arse. Hell, after I hang up the phone, 5 mins later I am laughing to myself because I know he has laughed about it to and let it go.

When he messes up (never anything major) and calls I readily accept him back and vice versa. I let him know that as long as he reached for me I would reach back and that's what we are committed to doing and its working. I'm doing it differently this time. I have learned that you gotta be vulnerable before you can expect him to be vulnerable. No one is going to put themselves out there without hearing that its safe to do so.

We have both been hurt and after you have been hurt so many times sometimes all it takes is for a person to verbalize they aren't trying to hurt you and after awhile with their actions backing it up, you will begin to believe it and let the fear go.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

Reslnt1, Why did you tell him that you wanted to date other people, and you really dont want to? Sorry, but even though u dont mean to, your fear is leading to you to play games. Dating other men IS NOT going to make him like you better. It's just going to make him realize that you are not really all that into him. Give him a chance.... but dont give him your heart and goodies on the first date or the first month for that matter. Tell him that you need to take things slow and get to know him as a person first. U aint gotta be all lovie-dovie upfront...take your time. Stop playing games and telling him what he wants to hear...tell him exactly what you want UPFRONT so that you can get his honest opinion now, while u dont have any feelings for him. This is the safest and easiest way to date, because u have nothing to loose. Llike if you tell him now that "honestly i'm a little fearful of trusting, but as for me...i dont believe in dating just to pass time, either you are a good man in my life, or you are wasting my time. Plus i'm going to be busy at school so i'm looking for someone who has goals and can handle not being my main focus. So what are you looking for?" If you tell him this now, then if he is looking for a 'friend with benefits' then it wont hurt your feelings because you dont have feelings yet, and all u have to do is tell him that ur no the one and move on. But after 4months of your time invested, if you hven't asked him and this truth comes out, then you are part of the blame for not asking the right questions upfront. Dont be afraid... ASK ASK ASK!!!! Not like asking while being mean and interviewing him. but during conversation, just ask and get to know him and what he wants. Good luck!

Actually i told him that i wanted to date other people and thats when he stated it.....
In regards to the calling I let him initiate the communication....i even went so far as to ignore one of his messages for the entire day (which is not like me) and low and behold i got a phone call late than night.....he kinda snuck in a statement about me not sending him any messages all day...i just ignored it

 

[Trinity1]

Reslnt1, Why did you tell him that you wanted to date other people, and you really dont want to? Sorry, but even though u dont mean to, your fear is leading to you to play games. Dating other men IS NOT going to make him like you better. It's just going to make him realize that you are not really all that into him. Give him a chance.... but dont give him your heart and goodies on the first date or the first month for that matter. Tell him that you need to take things slow and get to know him as a person first. U aint gotta be all lovie-dovie upfront...take your time. Stop playing games and telling him what he wants to hear...tell him exactly what you want UPFRONT so that you can get his honest opinion now, while u dont have any feelings for him. This is the safest and easiest way to date, because u have nothing to loose. Llike if you tell him now that "honestly i'm a little fearful of trusting, but as for me...i dont believe in dating just to pass time, either you are a good man in my life, or you are wasting my time. Plus i'm going to be busy at school so i'm looking for someone who has goals and can handle not being my main focus. So what are you looking for?" If you tell him this now, then if he is looking for a 'friend with benefits' then it wont hurt your feelings because you dont have feelings yet, and all u have to do is tell him that ur no the one and move on. But after 4months of your time invested, if you hven't asked him and this truth comes out, then you are part of the blame for not asking the right questions upfront. Dont be afraid... ASK ASK ASK!!!! Not like asking while being mean and interviewing him. but during conversation, just ask and get to know him and what he wants. Good luck!

I SO agree with this one....Mizani_Mrs is right on point..After being divorced for 8 years,I just got back into the dating scene recently after an on again off again love affair with a loser for the past 3 years...anyway one thing I realized is that playing games is for the birds...it WILL drive you crazy....and possibly drive him away...Just be real and be honest...if he is from God than he wont abandon you just because you express what you truly want. Everyone God brings together may not be perfect people but they are brought together perfectly by God. If God created this mans heart to love you then nothing you do will scare him away...Satan puts fear in us because he knows that with fear we begin to act and think outside of ourselves and not in accordance with the Lord..we make mistakes,play games,pretend we dont care,feed our ego, lie to ourselves when we get our feelings hurt...etc..etc...this is the devils dream...He loves when we have no peace and/or patience...

I'm dating and enjoying it...have gotten my feelings hurt by someone that I THOUGHT I could be really into who swept me off my feet the first few weeks but then turned out to be a dud...lol....Now I'm talking/seeing someone new...too early to tell where thats going but I am having fun...

Good luck to you and please use Mizani_Mrs advice and remember if its from God,that man isnt going anywhere


TeeTee2

 

[Reslnt1]

Mizani,
U r so right and I shouldn't have said anything that i didnt mean....and i will remember that for the next one because this one turned out to be a snake.....he had another chic on the side even though i asked him if there was anyone else...and eventhough he said that he only wanted to date me.....so lesson learned, but no love lost.
R