nasty husband

[janaq2003]

Thoughts on this scenario...
A has a husband who is ridiculously sloppy and nasty. They do not share bathrooms because the filth is so off putting. Their guest bedroom is so full of junk and clothing everywhere it could really never be used as such. He doesnt clean up behind himself either.
A has been dealing with this for years and says she is at her wits end and decides the best way to "punish" him is by refusing to cook meals and no sex. Thoughts?

 

[nlamr2013]

Why is she calling herself punishing her husband? Odd.

Clearly this isn't a new development so she knew he was a slob before getting married so what she thought she could change him? She can either speak with him about how the messiness makes her feel and as her husband he should never want her to feel such a way or she can just clean after him.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Hire maid/culinary services & make him pay.
No sex if his arse isn't clean.
That's all.

 

[lux10023]

ummm a couple things


she knew dude was nasty when she married him so I'm surprised ole girl is surprised

and ppl who are nasty usually have nasty hygiene as well....

no can do...nopeeee..
nothing worse than coloring with some ole funky dusty nasty dude....

 

[FlowerHair]

A should call a cleaning lady and have her come clean the house every week.

That way A could start cooking again, and the sex thing depends on if her husband is clean enough for that...

 

[ladysaraii]

Does she have a problem with him not being clean? i didn't see where she said she did.

But yeah, maid service. One less headache for both. As a messy person myself, this will be a non-negotiable going into a marriage....unless he just likes to clean.

 

[JaneBond007]

I despise this "she made her bed" mentality people throw on women. This is a married couple looking for solutions and they deserve one. Maybe she made a mistake, but she loved the man. My suggestion, THERAPY/COUNSELING. There is a reason he's putting dirty space between himself and his wife. They both need help. A cleaner is not going to be a long-term solution.

 

[nlamr2013]

I despise this "she made her bed" mentality people throw on women. This is a married couple looking for solutions and they deserve one. Maybe she made a mistake, but she loved the man. My suggestion, THERAPY/COUNSELING. There is a reason he's putting dirty space between himself and his wife. They both need help. A cleaner is not going to be a long-term solution.

I don't think something like that only applies to women it applies to anyone. If going into a marriage you know your spouse had a certain habit by marrying this person you are saying that that is a flaw you can live with. If this is a brand new bad habit (doubtful) then therapy may be needed because something changed and isn't right. But if this is something that's been going on it should have been addressed before getting married.

 

[ladysaraii]

I despise this "she made her bed" mentality people throw on women. This is a married couple looking for solutions and they deserve one. Maybe she made a mistake, but she loved the man. My suggestion, THERAPY/COUNSELING. There is a reason he's putting dirty space between himself and his wife. They both need help. A cleaner is not going to be a long-term solution.

I get what you're saying, but if it has been this way for years, he might just be a messy person. It might not be any deeper than that.

Now I will say that if she's been asking him to clean and he keep refusing, that might be his childish reaction to being "nagged"

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

Why can't she clean it up? That makes her dirty as well if she is living in that filth.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Sounds like an episode of hoarders

 

[vani]

No sex and no homecooked meals until he transforms himself into a clean person.

That should do the trick.

 

[TayMac]

My thought is why let it go on for years and years? The no sex, no food may have worked early on in the marriage but I doubt it will have much affect now.

Is she cleaning up behind him or letting the mess/nastiness accumulate? I would hire a cleaning person and throw away the junk.

 

[carcajada]

I despise this "she made her bed" mentality people throw on women. This is a married couple looking for solutions and they deserve one. Maybe she made a mistake, but she loved the man. My suggestion, THERAPY/COUNSELING. There is a reason he's putting dirty space between himself and his wife. They both need help. A cleaner is not going to be a long-term solution.

I agree. She's married now so all the "she knew he was dirty" talk is nether here nor there.

There is something about the husband knowingly not wanting to change for himself, his health, and his wife. He has some issues going on and playing games (i.e. withholding sex) is not going to solve them.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

I despise this "she made her bed" mentality people throw on women. This is a married couple looking for solutions and they deserve one. Maybe she made a mistake, but she loved the man. My suggestion, THERAPY/COUNSELING. There is a reason he's putting dirty space between himself and his wife. They both need help. A cleaner is not going to be a long-term solution.

Ditto, Amen and Selah re: the bolded.

The whole "you knew it then, so accept it now" mentality makes it sound as if it's a sin to grow and change. It's not. There are a lot of things you have to accept in marriage, but being miserable is not one of them. Marriage amplifies an individual's flaws, but it can also provide a partner who will help improving those flaws -- if they both put forth an effort.

It is scientific fact :crossfingers: that when you first fall in love with someone, you ignore all types of bad habits, character flaws, etc. Over time when the spell wears off, you're left to see the real person and it's natural that your tolerance for your spouse's quirks will diminish. However, if you want to stay together, you can find a way to change together.

Bottom line: I agree with 1.) a housekeeper to preserve the wife's sanity; 2.) NOT cutting off sex (that creates its own problems for both parties) and 3.) counseling.

 

[Mortons]

If a person has awlays been like this, it will be much more difficult to get them to stop than if its something they slipped into. I dont think she should "just deal with it" but imagine getting married and being told "well I accepted you like this, but now I dont like it so change and get over it". That doesnt quite work either.

I do think that a person who is making the home uncomfortable should have some clearly laid out responsibilities since their idea of clean is often difficult than everyone else's idea of clean. Everyone being required to perform chores on a daily basis, as well as having a cleaning person can keep things on easy street.

 

[Holla]

Not everything requires therapy. Some people just have certain habits that they are comfortable with in their life. I know a couple like that and yes......a cleaning person can be a long term solution....it is for them. The guy is a slob, the woman was tired of cleaning up after him, so she hired a cleaning lady to come twice a month. The cleaning lady does a fabulous job. The cleaning lady also does stuff that the woman would be doing anyway even if the husband was a neat freak (e.g., laundry, etc.). So the woman benefits by having more time to relax instead of doing chores. It works for them and it can work for this couple too.

Money may be an issue for the OP's couple but hiring a cleaning lady is cheaper than therapy or a divorce.

 

[janaq2003]

Physically the husband is neat and you would never guess he was this nasty. She says if you go in his personal bathroom you would want to vomit from the filthy toilet,vanity shower etc....
She also mentioned that for a while his toilet seat was broken so this fool was just using the potty sitting plainly on the toilet..no seat!

 

[janaq2003]

Ill mention the cleaning lady....but isnt that like condoning the filth to continue?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Its hard to really address this topic without knowing how bad it is. Is he really nasty or is she OCD when it comes to cleanliness. Either way, if he's extremely nasty or if she is extremely clean, both of them should have an idea of what normal is and go into to counseling to discuss why they are so adamant about sticking to unhealthy habits. It sounds like a power struggle. Maybe it didn't start that way but with the wife withholding sex and the husband refusing to do a basic level of cleaning, it appears to be about winning rather than fixing the problem.

ETA: Nevermind... I saw the comment above about him sitting directly on the toilet. He is gross. erplexed

 

[Mortons]

Physically the husband is neat and you would never guess he was this nasty. She says if you go in his personal bathroom you would want to vomit from the filthy toilet,vanity shower etc....
She also mentioned that for a while his toilet seat was broken so this fool was just using the potty sitting plainly on the toilet..no seat!

Did he grow up like that?

 

[Adonia1987]

Physically the husband is neat and you would never guess he was this nasty. She says if you go in his personal bathroom you would want to vomit from the filthy toilet,vanity shower etc.... She also mentioned that for a while his toilet seat was broken so this fool was just using the potty sitting plainly on the toilet..no seat!

OT: I would never, ever share anything like this with anyone. I think people talk too much.

She should hire a cleaning lady. I don't think withholding sex will fix anything.

 

[janaq2003]

OT: I would never, ever share anything like this with anyone. I think people talk too much.

She should hire a cleaning lady. I don't think withholding sex will fix anything.

I wouldnt either. However she is at her wits end and needed to vent.

 

[Mai Tai]

I'm sorry but I would not have married a man like this to begin with. I am VERY neat and a dirty man is one of my biggest turnoffs.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I'm sorry but I would not have married a man like this to begin with. I am VERY neat and a dirty man is one of my biggest turnoffs.

I'm not the neatest and I wouldnt have married a guy like this either. I don't really like doing housework a lot so this setup would never work for me. My ex hired a cleaning service for my apartment. I dont think I would have been able to make it to the engagement with this guy.

 

[Evolving78]

OT: I would never, ever share anything like this with anyone. I think people talk too much.

She should hire a cleaning lady. I don't think withholding sex will fix anything.

Does hiring a cleaning person to come in weekly or biweekly really work? What about the mess leading up to the day she comes is what I couldn't deal with. I would still be cleaning up daily after him. Sounds like that young Man named Christopher Glenn from that swifter commercial.

 

[nlamr2013]

Does hiring a cleaning person to come in weekly or biweekly really work? What about the mess leading up to the day she comes is what I couldn't deal with. I would still be cleaning up daily after him. Sounds like that young Man james Christopher Glenn from that swifter commercial.

That and hiring a cleaner doesn't deal with the underlying anger and issues.

You don't marry someone hoping they'll change or grow you marry them how they are and if they were to stay this way forever could you deal? If your answer is no why marry them?

 

[Evolving78]

That and hiring a cleaner doesn't deal with the underlying anger and issues.

You don't marry someone hoping they'll change or grow you marry them how they are and if they were to stay this way forever could you deal? If your answer is no why marry them?

You are right. I think people think they can handle or overlook flaws that would normally bother them, but it's different when you have to live and spend the rest of your life with those flaws. I can't live with a flat out mess maker. It would cause my anxiety to flare up. They would think I was a horrible person to live with.

 

[Mai Tai]

Ditto, Amen and Selah re: the bolded.

The whole "you knew it then, so accept it now" mentality makes it sound as if it's a sin to grow and change. It's not. There are a lot of things you have to accept in marriage, but being miserable is not one of them. Marriage amplifies an individual's flaws, but it can also provide a partner who will help improving those flaws -- if they both put forth an effort.

It is scientific fact :crossfingers: that when you first fall in love with someone, you ignore all types of bad habits, character flaws, etc. Over time when the spell wears off, you're left to see the real person and it's natural that your tolerance for your spouse's quirks will diminish. However, if you want to stay together, you can find a way to change together.

Bottom line: I agree with 1.) a housekeeper to preserve the wife's sanity; 2.) NOT cutting off sex (that creates its own problems for both parties) and 3.) counseling.

I don't think anyone is saying that she should accept this man's lack of cleanliness, however, I do think that when considering marriage, women and men need to ask themselves..."If my fiancé never changed from this day on, could I still tolerate their habits?" If that answer is an obvious or resounding "NO" then it is up to that person to decide whether their coupling is appropriate.

I am assuming that the woman in the OP married a junky, nasty man hoping that he would change with time and well...we see how well that worked. Can he change? Yes. Can she make him change? Nope. Is her misery and her anger partially her fault (given that she knew he was a slob before marriage)? Heck yes.

 

[ambergirl]

Reach agreement that common shared areas are to be kept clean (hire maid if need be), let him have his nasty bathroom, good scrubbing before sex, and then let it go. Not worth the agitation.