My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !
- Thread starter doll-baby
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MyHeavenlyFatherKnows
New Member
skegeesmb
New Member
song_of_serenity
Well-Known Member
She may have meant the thread starter. Congrats on your wedding.
Last night my SO and I were watching the T.O. show (which I rarely watch) and started talking about interracial dating and the state of black families today.
Well long story short he started talking about when he was at the barber shop with his friends and they were talking about black women. The men in the shop were defending black women and my SO was defending the reasons not to date black women
.
(Here's where he really messed up) So he continues to talk about their conversation and say's that he told them that if he was to ever "settle down" he would settle down with a latin girl !(I'm 100% black)
Soon as he said that I shut down completely, I asked him how could he make that statement when we have been together for almost 7 years ? And I know that I have been a good woman to him.
So he back peddles and says that he was just trying to "stir the pot" . I didn't buy it. I told him that since he knew he had a good black woman at home he should have been talking about that and not how he wants to settle down with some latin chick!
A latin chick has'nt been there for you for 7 years, helping pay the bills, raise our children, and cooking every night !
I was very hurt and embarrassed by his statement especially since his barber knows me.
He thinks that I am over reacting, but he just doesn't understand I tried to use the analogy of me telling my friends that I would want to settle down with a white man (even though I have a perfectly good black man at home) and it totally flew over his head.
I'm giving him the silent treatment right now because I don't know what to say, am I being too sensitive here ?
No, you're not being sensitive and your SO did indeed F__k up big time!
He also told you the TRUTH no matter how much he wants to dress it up.
Is there any reason why he hasn't married you yet? Seven years and some kids later, why hasn't he put a ring on it? Oh yeah, he's waiting for that "latin" chick.
The next move is on YOU. Deep down you KNOW what to do.
Good luck and hugs to you.
winterinatl
All natural!
I won't read all seven threads but hopefully I'm not the first to say: when someone tells you about themselves, please believe them.
It was not a mistake you all had that conversation. If he loved you he would have kept that whole convo to himself to at least spare your feelings....that sounded like you are just one of the boys.
It was not a mistake you all had that conversation. If he loved you he would have kept that whole convo to himself to at least spare your feelings....that sounded like you are just one of the boys.
chebaby
Well-Known Member
men do alot of things that WE dont understand. they do these kinds of games all the time. just because he loves her doesnt mean that she is enough for him. maybe he is just waiting for a latina to walk by and wink. men will most def. keep you for as long as they want and then throw you to the side and it doesnt matter if it makes sence.
girl he just told you who he is and what he wants. you better listen.
skegeesmb
New Member
She may have meant the thread starter. Congrats on your wedding.
Oh I know that, but sometimes engagements are really quick. We've been married for 6 years (as of the 28th). lol.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
Wow, I read almost this entire thread and there is some really great advice.
I cannot add much other than I would NEVER make such a hurtful comment about my husband and then come home to repeat it to his face. By the way, I am an Aries and I can relate to the stirring the pot aspect to get a conversation going....but I cannot imagine the scenario that your boyfriend was in given that people in the shop know you, your kids & that you have been together for many years. He basically admitted to all of them, himself & now to you that he does not view you as his future wife.
The fact that he is acting as if your feelings are not valid is even more upsetting.
I will also add that DH was with an ex girlfriend for 7 years. They had a child and did get engaged. I never asked him if he felt "settled down" with her as they were raising her kids and their child, but clearly he did not feel settled down enough to get married.
I get it that you want your "dream wedding" but PLEASE make sure that you are with the "DREAM MAN" and not just settling with this one because of the length of the relationship or the fact that you have a child.
DH often tells me about the crazy things his friends say to their wives/girlfriends and that he cannot imagine saying such things to me because I might injure him. This is definitely like one of those stories.
I cannot add much other than I would NEVER make such a hurtful comment about my husband and then come home to repeat it to his face. By the way, I am an Aries and I can relate to the stirring the pot aspect to get a conversation going....but I cannot imagine the scenario that your boyfriend was in given that people in the shop know you, your kids & that you have been together for many years. He basically admitted to all of them, himself & now to you that he does not view you as his future wife.
The fact that he is acting as if your feelings are not valid is even more upsetting.
I will also add that DH was with an ex girlfriend for 7 years. They had a child and did get engaged. I never asked him if he felt "settled down" with her as they were raising her kids and their child, but clearly he did not feel settled down enough to get married.
I get it that you want your "dream wedding" but PLEASE make sure that you are with the "DREAM MAN" and not just settling with this one because of the length of the relationship or the fact that you have a child.
DH often tells me about the crazy things his friends say to their wives/girlfriends and that he cannot imagine saying such things to me because I might injure him. This is definitely like one of those stories.
Marley4920
Well-Known Member
OP, That comment would bother me too, however, you know you SO best and you know deep in your heart whether he devoted to you or whether he is playing games with you. You just have to be honest with yourself and figure it out.
LightEyedMami
New Member
umm, NOHell she got bambinos by the fool along with wasted away damn near a decade so she is kinda stuck for 18 years and possible more.
a woman is ONLY stuck if she allows herself to be! She is 27 and Beautiful (not to say looks is all that matters but it sure helps 
), wasting more time is never the answer. You can be a good mom and still drop the baby's daddy like hot cakes, and she has 2 kids NOT 10 its not like her life is over....OP: I feel like you should REALLY think it through what he said was so unacceptable, I remember my cousins EX always told her he liked Tall Lightskinned girls BUT the problem was she was Short and Dark Skinned, He kept making comments about other women, he even told her to her face, that i was so Sexy. I would tell her to leave him, she wouldn't listen, well guess what? he ended up leaving her and later she found out he was "freaking" lightskinned twins
WHILE they were together.
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MissJ
Well-Known Member
I was referring to the original poster. She's making excuses for why she doesn't want to get married now, when in truth she doesn't even know if her boyfriend wants to marry her. That's why I think she should be engaged first and worry about what kind of wedding to have later.
lusciouslocks
New Member
OP, you've been given a lot of mostly good advice in this thread, but even if you don't follow a word of it, that's your right.
Just my two cents: I won't judge somebody's living situation -- it could very well be that a 7 year cohabitation, kids and wall, could work perfectly well for somebody, if that's truly what you both want. I believe in free choice, but that's just me. I feel there is a little bit of projection going on in here based on what posters want for their own lives, which is understandable and to be expected on a messageboard.
But I don't see the issue primarily as "Why aren't y'all married after 7 years?!?!" I see the issue primarily as one of RESPECT and FRIENDSHIP. I have learned that a man that really doesn't treat you as first and foremost a treasured FRIEND (no matter how passionate and romantic things may be at times) is going to make your life difficult and wear down your psyche over time.
A good FRIEND would never knowingly expose his girlfriend/wifey/whatever to any type of possible ridicule in the streets. Those dudes know his situation and he's sitting in the barber chair downgrading it. Then running home and telling you he downgraded it. This is not an Adult, Mature Male Behavior. He is acting like an adolescent -- not like a grown man (whether he be married or cohabitating) who RESPECTS you as a fellow human being and FRIEND. To me, the marriage-after-7-years thing is besides the point.
Please believe, you are worthy of respect just because of who you are. Your feelings are valid and shouldn't be pissed on. Whether you choose to leave or stay, know your own power. Good luck.
Just my two cents: I won't judge somebody's living situation -- it could very well be that a 7 year cohabitation, kids and wall, could work perfectly well for somebody, if that's truly what you both want. I believe in free choice, but that's just me. I feel there is a little bit of projection going on in here based on what posters want for their own lives, which is understandable and to be expected on a messageboard.
But I don't see the issue primarily as "Why aren't y'all married after 7 years?!?!" I see the issue primarily as one of RESPECT and FRIENDSHIP. I have learned that a man that really doesn't treat you as first and foremost a treasured FRIEND (no matter how passionate and romantic things may be at times) is going to make your life difficult and wear down your psyche over time.
A good FRIEND would never knowingly expose his girlfriend/wifey/whatever to any type of possible ridicule in the streets. Those dudes know his situation and he's sitting in the barber chair downgrading it. Then running home and telling you he downgraded it. This is not an Adult, Mature Male Behavior. He is acting like an adolescent -- not like a grown man (whether he be married or cohabitating) who RESPECTS you as a fellow human being and FRIEND. To me, the marriage-after-7-years thing is besides the point.
Please believe, you are worthy of respect just because of who you are. Your feelings are valid and shouldn't be pissed on. Whether you choose to leave or stay, know your own power. Good luck.
Nayna
Unbothered
LusciousLocks I like ur post a lot because it's true. I think for me it was more about being in the barber shop, talking that ish. Like not for nothing but he's a tool for saying that, lol. I can't say whether u should leave or not cus u live with that man and of course u love him but don't sleep.
A lot of people's comments helped me with my own situation. Up until 2.5 weeks ago I was with my SO for a year, one day he wrote a comment on FB saying that "one day someone will walk into my life and let me see why it never worked with anyone else." Um hello arsehole but what about me? Everyday u tell me how much I mean to u and how I've opened ur eyes to the fact that there are people out there that truly have ur back so wtf are u talking about? LOL. Needless to say I took offense and he didn't get it. As u can see from what I wrote, "up until 2 weeks ago" cus I'm not with it. Granted I didn't have as much time invested as the OP but I was tripping for a sec. Like is it me am I being too sensitive? So NO, ur not being too sensitive these guys say ish and then don't even give a half arsed attempt to clean it up and apologize! HE could've apologized. And a real one not one of those "I'm sorry you feel the way you do" apologies either. Just my 2 cents, lol
A lot of people's comments helped me with my own situation. Up until 2.5 weeks ago I was with my SO for a year, one day he wrote a comment on FB saying that "one day someone will walk into my life and let me see why it never worked with anyone else." Um hello arsehole but what about me? Everyday u tell me how much I mean to u and how I've opened ur eyes to the fact that there are people out there that truly have ur back so wtf are u talking about? LOL. Needless to say I took offense and he didn't get it. As u can see from what I wrote, "up until 2 weeks ago" cus I'm not with it. Granted I didn't have as much time invested as the OP but I was tripping for a sec. Like is it me am I being too sensitive? So NO, ur not being too sensitive these guys say ish and then don't even give a half arsed attempt to clean it up and apologize! HE could've apologized. And a real one not one of those "I'm sorry you feel the way you do" apologies either. Just my 2 cents, lol
You did the right thing by taking that man at his word CocoSlim and I really admire your strength. Most of us know the difference between careless words that can be taken back and those that come from a place of truth. no matter how much we try to reason it out.
While it's easy for us to sit behind a computer and tell folks to drop so-an-so it's very hard to walk away from relationships you're emotionally, physically, and sometimes financially invested in even when a red flag is steady wavin.
You'll find someone who deserves your time and effort
One more thing, when a man sits in a barbershop talking disrespectful about his woman to a bunch of dudes, don't be surprised if one or two of those guys try to make a play for you. Not just for sex, but for a REAL relationship.
You're beautiful Dollbaby. I'm quite sure there were guys in there with their mouths open, because they couldn't believe this fool (your man) couldn't appreciate what he has.
Here's a test Doll - tell him you want to get married next with the Justice of the peace. You can have your dream wedding when you can afford it. See what he says. It'll be very telling.
You're a smart, pretty girl that can most definitely do better. You don't owe this man anything, but he will be owing you child support in the near future.
You're beautiful Dollbaby. I'm quite sure there were guys in there with their mouths open, because they couldn't believe this fool (your man) couldn't appreciate what he has.
Here's a test Doll - tell him you want to get married next with the Justice of the peace. You can have your dream wedding when you can afford it. See what he says. It'll be very telling.
You're a smart, pretty girl that can most definitely do better. You don't owe this man anything, but he will be owing you child support in the near future.
oh that one can get a guy slapped. 
I can't stand that phrase.it is so immature. why are they such babies when it comes to owning up to their wrongs? And further, if a guy wants to get out of a relationship, why pick a fight? why say something crazy like OP's man? Why not just say, "this isn't working for me, I think we should consider going our separate ways" that would be too much like right.
SerenavanderWoodsen
SkinnyMe
I know youre steaming hot mad right now but I dont think this is something you should throw away youre entire relationship over..... I PM'd you
MrsHdrLe
Well-Known Member
I read the whole thread (yeah and it took over two hrs for those who may want to, so plan accordingly) and there have been many comments made some personal, some general, and all around. All I say is do what's best for your family, situation, and self esteem. Remember your kids are watching and listening to everything. This one comment does not make a relationship and it may or may not break it, but thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I hope we've (all) helped in some way.
I can't talk b/c I did the same thing (no kids togethr) but I don't believe in coincidences or mistakes, there's a reason and perhaps the season is right for a change in your life. I hope it's for the best.
n' 4 U
I can't talk b/c I did the same thing (no kids togethr) but I don't believe in coincidences or mistakes, there's a reason and perhaps the season is right for a change in your life. I hope it's for the best.
n' 4 U
kayte
Well-Known Member
You're not breast feeding babies!
sorry...but you cannot relate
no comparison...and...THIS ...
is spin
OP said FIRST he was not ready for marriage..
with all due respect to the OP because I am on her side
her saying school/career etc was merely...
the rationale and denial..the smoke screen
to offer a pleasant sounding excuse to herself and to others
in how she could permit herself to remain with a man who
has conceived children with her...and tells her
he would not marry her.
I don't care what the reason is
THAT is not only WHAT he is Saying....but WHAT he is DOING.
Who do you think....brought up the issue
of marriage in the first place ?
Hiim?
But let's say..if he had proposed..
do you honestly think..the OP would say with young children
under the age of seven..
that they were not the priority...and refuse?
ummm. no, let me start my career first~
does not wash
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naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
DH asked "was he high or drunk when he said that?" If not, DH says he is not trying to marry a Black woman, or at least not you.
Princess4real
Well-Known Member
Good post! We do it to ourselves.
Doll-baby like so many don't know their worth. You gave him babies and hung in there for 7 years without saying anything because you didn't want to stir the pot. Men know when they want to wife you in my opinion in less than a year. You provided love, sex and anything he needed for 7 years. There was no reason for him to make a commitment to you, none at all. He's wrong because he knew that you did these things because you loved him and he took advantage of that. I wish you the best!
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QueenHav
New Member
Sounds to me like you're a classic 'Bridge Woman'. I met author RM Johnson a few weeks ago and we were discussing this very same topic. Here's an excerpt from his site WHYMENFEARMARRIAGE.COM:
"Just around the corner syndrome," it is referred to by some, is when a man postpones marriage in hopes of finding his "perfect" bride. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the woman he's with, and it doesn't mean he can't see marrying her one day, if "it" comes to that. "It" being the day he believes other women are no longer attracted to him, or the day he finally realizes there will always be different women that may come around, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily better. But do you really want to wait that long?
Just how would you know if your man has "just around the corner syndrome"? One way is obvious. If you love him, and you know he loves you, if you have no major issues in your relationship, if most everything is picture-book perfect, yet there is some random reason he won't disclose why he won't marry you, your man might be infected with the syndrome.
Is there a cure? There is, but nothing you can administer. He will have to cure himself. The way that's done? Like I said, by him coming to the conclusion that you are, indeed, the woman that he has been looking for. He just didn't know it. Once that happens, you'll get that proposal. But till then, is there something you can do to speed this process?
We believe so. When it comes to the proposition of marriage, we at WMFM.com believe in being direct. If you're approaching thirty, or older, and you've been dating your guy for over three years, (and he knows he's the guy you want to marry) then you should find out what's really going on.
We aren't saying chase the guy, badger him, try to convince him to propose. To be honest, women should never have to think about telling her man she wants marriage. It has always been the man's place to court the woman, to ask for her hand. But sadly, those days are gone.
With that said, be direct. "You know, we've been dating for three years. You're living in my house, you say you love me, but every time I mention marriage, you make a face, and say you gotta go to the bathroom. What's up?"
Find out what the real reason for his procrastination is (if it's not the syndrome). If you're satisfied with it, and you feel he's worth waiting for a little longer, then set a new date in your mind, and don't bring it up again till then. If you think his explanation is nothing but babble caused by symptoms of his illness. "Uh, babe. It's just not a good time. I always told myself I'd be engaged for five years before I agreed to get married. We still have two years to go." Dump him and find someone serious about the prospect of being with you.
If you've been with a man for five years or longer, and he hasn't seriously talked to you about marriage, it's because he has no plans on marrying you.
Good luck to you and your children. Only you can make the best decision.
"Just around the corner syndrome," it is referred to by some, is when a man postpones marriage in hopes of finding his "perfect" bride. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the woman he's with, and it doesn't mean he can't see marrying her one day, if "it" comes to that. "It" being the day he believes other women are no longer attracted to him, or the day he finally realizes there will always be different women that may come around, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily better. But do you really want to wait that long?
Just how would you know if your man has "just around the corner syndrome"? One way is obvious. If you love him, and you know he loves you, if you have no major issues in your relationship, if most everything is picture-book perfect, yet there is some random reason he won't disclose why he won't marry you, your man might be infected with the syndrome.
Is there a cure? There is, but nothing you can administer. He will have to cure himself. The way that's done? Like I said, by him coming to the conclusion that you are, indeed, the woman that he has been looking for. He just didn't know it. Once that happens, you'll get that proposal. But till then, is there something you can do to speed this process?
We believe so. When it comes to the proposition of marriage, we at WMFM.com believe in being direct. If you're approaching thirty, or older, and you've been dating your guy for over three years, (and he knows he's the guy you want to marry) then you should find out what's really going on.
We aren't saying chase the guy, badger him, try to convince him to propose. To be honest, women should never have to think about telling her man she wants marriage. It has always been the man's place to court the woman, to ask for her hand. But sadly, those days are gone.
With that said, be direct. "You know, we've been dating for three years. You're living in my house, you say you love me, but every time I mention marriage, you make a face, and say you gotta go to the bathroom. What's up?"
Find out what the real reason for his procrastination is (if it's not the syndrome). If you're satisfied with it, and you feel he's worth waiting for a little longer, then set a new date in your mind, and don't bring it up again till then. If you think his explanation is nothing but babble caused by symptoms of his illness. "Uh, babe. It's just not a good time. I always told myself I'd be engaged for five years before I agreed to get married. We still have two years to go." Dump him and find someone serious about the prospect of being with you.
If you've been with a man for five years or longer, and he hasn't seriously talked to you about marriage, it's because he has no plans on marrying you.
Good luck to you and your children. Only you can make the best decision.
skegeesmb
New Member
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
I have completely changed my opinion about being married AFTER im done with school. After seeing the emotional and FINANCIAL support my friends are getting from their husband in my accelerated nursing program I would totally not mind being married right now if it were up to me. They dont have to work as many hours or work at all or wonder where their next meal is coming from.
support my friends are getting from their husband in my accelerated nursing program I would totally not mind being married right now if it were up to me. They dont have to work as many hours or work at all or wonder where their next meal is coming from.I have completely changed my opinion about being married AFTER im done with school. After seeing the emotional and FINANCIAL
Shooooooot girl say that!
If I was "there" with my SO I would surely get married while I'm in school in a hot second. I wouldnt have to worry about paying for stuff on my own, we can split bills at home, I can have someone to run stuff to and from school if I forget it, and I can have someone to help me with homework and hug me and tell me its gonna be alright. I never understood why women sacrifice support to struggle alone
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