My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[FluffyRed]

Whoa.

Hope you believe what he said 'cause he meant it.

Don't make excuses for him, you'll only hate yourself later.

Good luck to you and your kids.

You are beautiful, don't waste that on him... .

After SEVEN years? I just told you to leave for 14 days but I'm now thinking you should go ahead and KIM permanently. Read the book, "He's Just Not that Into You". Don't waste another moment of your pretty on this man!

I just don't think now is the time to bring up marriage,let say you back him into a corner and get married.I know I would always believe he thought I was second rate.

Men can be so flip with their comments but please believe they know what their saying.It's funny how the other guys were defending black women but the one with a good black woman wants someone else.

All I got to say is women have more power than they allow themselves, i.e. rationalizing actions and behavior.

I don't see dudes rationalizing a blaggone thing about a woman. If one titty sag lower than the other they will leave you and folks won't say squat to them about it. But women, ah, as long as he (xyz, bare minimum...fill in blank) girlll you better keep that man.

Has he always had the upper hand in this relationship?

He is very cavalier about your emotions. He thinks it's funny that your feelings are hurt? That you're just being silly?

He seems like a psychopath. A Scott Peterson type. Lacy was good for a while, then he met that other chick, Lacy had to go deep sea diving without a tank.

The NERVE to lay up with you all this time, and have a secret escape plan. And what if hedoesn't meet/can't pull that Latina girl? Then he'll settle for you. He is a snake.

You deserve better and you can get better.

Don't waste the pretty.

 

[tash85]

Take your time and make a rational decision; think with your head and not your heart.

In situations like this, my mother always said "what advice would you give to your daughter". Once you get to thinking like that, you start to realise what is healthy from what isn't.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this, it's probably not the kind of situation you need to be in right now but only you know how to handle it

hugs n kisses

 

[Irresistible]

Sadly enough, MANY women don't tire easily.

True dat!

 

[doll-baby]

Okay Okay I've been reading what is now a very long thread about my situation and thank you ladies for your helpful advice and hugs and the kick in the butt as well. I needed all perspectives on this issue.
I didn't feel that being married was going to deter my education / career I just wanted to beable to afford a nice wedding. I wanted to get married in Disney world in front of Cinderellas castle.. I know .. I know... but that has been my dream wedding since I was a little girl.
And I know that I could not afford that on a students wage. So I've never really pressured him to marry me (and I shouldn't have to). To me our relationship has been good. We rarely argue or fight, we laugh together and have our good times, We love the kids and always do our best to make sure they have great birthdays and Christmas, and we work together to help solve each others problems.
I always thought that we would get married once we got it together financially. And I only repeat that to say that I want a real wedding, not city hall, not something thrown together out of desperation. I didn't have a shot gun wedding when I was 17 (because I was pregnant) and I still don't want a rushed wedding now. It's an odd situation because I never thought that the reason we were not married was because he was holding out, I always thought that it was because we were waiting so that we could afford something nice. I know that I'm not getting any younger but I'm only 27 and the years can fly by without realizing certain things. But now I'm glad this has happened so that we can make some serious decisions about the future of our relationship marriage or not.

 

[doll-baby]

I predict that the OP ain't neva coming back in this thread.

And that she'll stay for another 7 years.

Thats not true MSA, I just got back from work not too long ago. I can take it. I never thought that this thread would get so long but it clearly struck a cord with you ladies, whether it was shock, anger, sarcasm, or sympathy, a lot of people have given their opinion and I appreciate that. (If only I could get this many responses in the hair threads)

 

[Irresistible]

Okay Okay I've been reading what is now a very long thread about my situation and thank you ladies for your helpful advice and hugs and the kick in the butt as well. I needed all perspectives on this issue.
I didn't feel that being married was going to deter my education / career I just wanted to beable to afford a nice wedding. I wanted to get married in Disney world in front of Cinderellas castle.. I know .. I know... but that has been my dream wedding since I was a little girl.
And I know that I could not afford that on a students wage. So I've never really pressured him to marry me (and I shouldn't have to). To me our relationship has been good. We rarely argue or fight, we laugh together and have our good times, We love the kids and always do our best to make sure they have great birthdays and Christmas, and we work together to help solve each others problems.
I always thought that we would get married once we got it together financially. And I only repeat that to say that I want a real wedding, not city hall, not something thrown together out of desperation. I didn't have a shot gun wedding when I was 17 (because I was pregnant) and I still don't want a rushed wedding now. It's an odd situation because I never thought that the reason we were not married was because he was holding out, I always thought that it was because we were waiting so that we could afford something nice. I know that I'm not getting any younger but I'm only 27 and the years can fly by without realizing certain things. But now I'm glad this has happened so that we can make some serious decisions about the future of our relationship marriage or not.

I truly pray for the best possible outcome for you sweetie

 

[TayMac]

I think more of it is shock and a bit of frustration.

Is he a sagittarius? They are the only ones I know that will let any and everything slip up out their mouth with no apology.


Now that all is out in the open. You need to be direct and up front with him and find out his TRUE intentions.

 

[doll-baby]

I truly pray for the best possible outcome for you sweetie

Thank you Irresistible for your sincerity

 

[doll-baby]

I think more of it is shock and a bit of frustration.

Is he a sagittarius? They are the only ones I know that will let any and everything slip up out their mouth with no apology.


Now that all is out in the open. You need to be direct and up front with him and find out his TRUE intentions.

Close he is a fire sign, an Aries. That's what I plan on doing I'm just trying to plan my course of action.

 

[Spidergul]

I think more of it is shock and a bit of frustration.

Is he a sagittarius? They are the only ones I know that will let any and everything slip up out their mouth with no apology.

Now that all is out in the open. You need to be direct and up front with him and find out his TRUE intentions.

Hit dog ova here!!! Never truer words were eva spoken! Ouch!
Throw some Gemini in there too!

 

[Raspberry]

Okay Okay I've been reading what is now a very long thread about my situation and thank you ladies for your helpful advice and hugs and the kick in the butt as well. I needed all perspectives on this issue.
I didn't feel that being married was going to deter my education / career I just wanted to beable to afford a nice wedding. I wanted to get married in Disney world in front of Cinderellas castle.. I know .. I know... but that has been my dream wedding since I was a little girl.
And I know that I could not afford that on a students wage. So I've never really pressured him to marry me (and I shouldn't have to). To me our relationship has been good. We rarely argue or fight, we laugh together and have our good times, We love the kids and always do our best to make sure they have great birthdays and Christmas, and we work together to help solve each others problems.
I always thought that we would get married once we got it together financially. And I only repeat that to say that I want a real wedding, not city hall, not something thrown together out of desperation. I didn't have a shot gun wedding when I was 17 (because I was pregnant) and I still don't want a rushed wedding now. It's an odd situation because I never thought that the reason we were not married was because he was holding out, I always thought that it was because we were waiting so that we could afford something nice. I know that I'm not getting any younger but I'm only 27 and the years can fly by without realizing certain things. But now I'm glad this has happened so that we can make some serious decisions about the future of our relationship marriage or not.

So has he expressed strong desires for marriage? Does he have anything so say when you talk about a fairytale wedding?

 

[Spidergul]

Well D-Baby you sound like you got it together. I hope he sees what he may have lost the most from you, your trust not to mention that special kind of love.

 

[song_of_serenity]

So OP, as many have asked, is this the FIRST time he's mentioned his views about black women?

 

[deltagyrl]

Close he is a fire sign, an Aries. That's what I plan on doing I'm just trying to plan my course of action.

Oh Lawd, I'm an Aries. He meant it. Classic move.

 

[jaszymeen]

Close he is a fire sign, an Aries. That's what I plan on doing I'm just trying to plan my course of action.

as a fellow aries we do tend to do that sometimes...bite off more than we can chew

 

[Jadore_tay]

as a fellow aries we do tend to do that sometimes...bite off more than we can chew

Yes we do but usually when we say something we are sending a message

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I would be Immensely hurt wounded and confused and re thinking everything

wonder how can he fix that one?

Ive learned that when we dont listen to what they are saying straight out to us , and their excuses we buy, we only regret it later

I would take this very seriously

ITA! Men are masters of excuses and we pay for excusing them much later.

 

[jamaicalovely]

He shoulda.....

Wow, I have no words.

(((HUGS))

 

[Makenzie]

He don't want to settle down? Its been 7 years. What's he been doing during that time? Has he been seeing other women? I don't get that logic.

(Didn't read thread)

 

[SHEANITPRO]

OHHH Ya'll this is just "terrible"! After 7 years, I think I would just "curl up in a ball and die"!

That is exactly why I would never put myself in the position of living in a marital type arrangement without the benefit of a legal marriage! Ish...having kids, cooking, cleaning, I wish the f*** I would!

OP what "incentive" does he have to commit?

See this is the "fuel" of which "homicides" are made of!

 

[doll-baby]

So OP, as many have asked, is this the FIRST time he's mentioned his views about black women?

He has an odd view on women because of a very messy divorce his mom and dad went through when he was young. According to him his mom did some really underhanded things to his dad during that time. He grew up with his grandmother telling him that "women ain't Sh*t". Soooo I've put in a lot of work... When he's talked about women it was generally all women ( not specifically black) being "untrustworthy" Adam and Eve and the snake... but that's a wholenother thread that I haven't the energy to start

 

[doll-baby]

So has he expressed strong desires for marriage? Does he have anything so say when you talk about a fairytale wedding?

He says that he's focused on our finances right now and that we will get married in the near future.

 

[LBoogie]

He says that he's focused on our finances right now and that we will get married in the near future.

I don't get it....since you're living as married people, what impact would a better financial situation have on a legal marriage that your current finances don't on what you're currenly involved in?

Key word "OUR" finances...with marriage they will still be "OUR finances." I could halfway see if it were the "I want to wait until I can provide for a wife and family"...but you guys have already started that set-up, and finances are combined...his contribution to the family financially wouldn't make a difference married or not since you're living as such.

Sounds like he just fattening the frog for a snake.

 

[dannie]

An aries would say some ish like that. Smdh!

Good luck OP, whatever you decided.

 

[msa]

Thats not true MSA, I just got back from work not too long ago. I can take it. I never thought that this thread would get so long but it clearly struck a cord with you ladies, whether it was shock, anger, sarcasm, or sympathy, a lot of people have given their opinion and I appreciate that. (If only I could get this many responses in the hair threads)

Now girl you know I answer your threads in the hair forum too. But I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it because it was meant to be taken that way.

He says that he's focused on our finances right now and that we will get married in the near future.

I have a question though. Are your finances going to go through such a drastic change in the near future that you'll be able to afford your fairytale wedding? Because if not, there's no point in waiting.

Goals are dreams with a deadline. If getting married is your goal, then you need to set a deadline. Otherwise, it's just another dream and it won't have a fairytale ending.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Gosh..how did I miss this thread?
OP I'm sorry and I hope you find a way to figure out whats best for you and the kids.

 

[skegeesmb]

Wow. Ouch that would have hurt me. Believe me, I wanted a fairytale wedding too. But we just couldn't afford it. I will get that wedding after we pay off our debt, but we did a JOP and it was a good thing we did. I definitely wouldn't want a 40,000K debt hanging on our shoulders (we would have had to pay for it ourselves as my mother didn't have the money then, and my husband's parents are retired from their jobs, but weren't old enough to pull out money without penalties).

We plan to do a nice wedding in 4 years (will be 10 years of marriage). I am glad to hear that he does want to marry you, but I would have a back up plan or start putting some money to the side somewhere JIC, if things work out, heck it will be money towards your wedding.

 

[doll-baby]

I don't get it....since you're living as married people, what impact would a better financial situation have on a legal marriage that your current finances don't on what you're currenly involved in?

Key word "OUR" finances...with marriage they will still be "OUR finances." I could halfway see if it were the "I want to wait until I can provide for a wife and family"...but you guys have already started that set-up, and finances are combined...his contribution to the family financially wouldn't make a difference married or not since you're living as such.

Sounds like he just fattening the frog for a snake.

Eh well we are feeling the effects of the economy he use to work for the auto industry hauling cars making good money and now he's not so right now planning a wedding isn't financially possible. And like I stated earlier I want my wedding a certain way. I don't think that I should have to sacrifice that for times sake (because we've been together x amount of years). And maybe I should clarify the time frame that we have been together. We met when we were 21 in 2001. We dated around for 3 years broke up for 4 months got back together in 2004. Moved in with each other and had our daughter in 2006. So we have only been living together for 3 years . And during that time that we started living together I don't know... marriage never crossed my mind I was focused on my new baby and how to run a house hold sometimes i felt like I didn't want to get married because heck shacking was hard work
But seriously I was more focused on getting a good job after I weaned my daughter in '07' I had been out of school for 2 years ( with a B.A.) and jobless So finding a stable job was my focus. When no one would hire me I went back to school, when my financial aid didn't go through I went the retail route to pay off my debt. It's just been kind of hard, and when he's not thinking about marriage and I'm not thinking about marriage the years fly by and here we are still trying to get ahead and not married. But doggon it I'm only getting married once and I want it to be the way I want it.

And I'm not making excuses thats just the way it happened and we all have our moments in life especially when it comes to love. I know that we are not friends here on this forum but just know that if and whenever I offer advice it is sincere and heart felt, because that's the kind of person I am.

 

[doll-baby]

Wow. Ouch that would have hurt me. Believe me, I wanted a fairytale wedding too. But we just couldn't afford it. I will get that wedding after we pay off our debt, but we did a JOP and it was a good thing we did. I definitely wouldn't want a 40,000K debt hanging on our shoulders (we would have had to pay for it ourselves as my mother didn't have the money then, and my husband's parents are retired from their jobs, but weren't old enough to pull out money without penalties).

We plan to do a nice wedding in 4 years (will be 10 years of marriage). I am glad to hear that he does want to marry you, but I would have a back up plan or start putting some money to the side somewhere JIC, if things work out, heck it will be money towards your wedding.

That's true some people really do go overboard with their weddings 40k in debt for 1 day is a huge burden. Putting money to the side is a definite must, I think even married women do that just in case.

I know that you and your hubby will have a great time and live it up when you celebrate your 10 anniversary ...something to look forward to

 

[doll-baby]

Now girl you know I answer your threads in the hair forum too. But I'm glad you have a sense of humor about it because it was meant to be taken that way.



I have a question though. Are your finances going to go through such a drastic change in the near future that you'll be able to afford your fairytale wedding? Because if not, there's no point in waiting.

Goals are dreams with a deadline. If getting married is your goal, then you need to set a deadline. Otherwise, it's just another dream and it won't have a fairytale ending.

Yeah , because right now we are like that commercial says... unemployed and underemployed And I may not do the Disney wedding ( I've seen their prices ) but right now we can't even afford a Chucke 'e' Cheese wedding