My Friends GF has banned him from speaking to me......

[dlewis]

in intimate relationships...three's a crowd.
so it's not so much right now about what you think or feel
about their relationship that is their business
and no one else's.


I don't think the issue is banning ....
basically..she let him know she dint like the two of you in cahoots
{shrug} he's doing it anyway....
but as long as you say "between me and him" ...that's significant wording OP,
sounds like ...sorry to say..like..... possesiveness and secret intimacy.
..and you help fuel uncertainty and usurp her rightful place
with dividing his loyalty.

he is supposed to be in a couple ..you see,
and there should never be a just between me and him
..when its ..him with her

and ...if you claim not only that you were sexual together
but also ...how.... you were sexual..... well.... that sounds like.
..sorry..again!...but like.. bragging as well as possesiveness

that's what comes through strong in your post ..
this does not seem to include respect for his relationship
the post almost seems patronizing where GF is concerned
I suppose its partially because BF doesn't respect it,either.

so...if I ...an un-involved female is picking up this vibe
..well...it must even more accute {and painful} for her.
Don't blame her because she's naiively trying to fix the unfixable
by "banning". She'll learn in time an untrustworthy male cannot be fixed.
she can only fix herself and drop his unworthy *&^%%.

this is not a friendly guy,btw..he's playing you both...
both women are vulnerable ..he's not!
but you OP... put yourself there ..you can change the equation

can you be supportive to you and to him by detaching instead of claiming him?
the poster who loved her male friends to step back.... step back...I think is a good model to follow..but maybe this is the lesson for both of you ...
this sad triangle..

but maybe you might believe,you don't need THIS friend THAT bad...
especially in such a way that endangers his own primary relationship
because if you do ..

wow.....

frankly..... I hope she continues to trust her excellent instincts
and dump him rapidly....she deserves better
so do you~not just from him..but from yourself

Thanks. Theres alot more to this story. I wonder how it would be if you were in her place.

 

[MissNina]

Ill tell you a little story

This friend of mine was dating this girl. She never liked me and thought I was after her man and that he liked me. Long story short, I married that man and she swears we were messing around the whole time.

I think it's sad that he won't respect his GF's request, if he really cares for her I would think he would.erplexed

LOL IDK why but I find that story kind of hilarious. . .

But IDK, D. I think he should respect her request if she was his wife. Since she is the gf, I really don't think she has the right to tell him who or who not to talk to.

 

[dlewis]

LOL IDK why but I find that story kind of hilarious. . .

But IDK, D. I think he should respect her request if she was his wife. Since she is the gf, I really don't think she has the right to tell him who or who not to talk to.

IDK about that. What I do know is that he wouldn't be with me. He can go and take his friend with him.

 

[Ramya]

LOL IDK why but I find that story kind of hilarious. . .

But IDK, D. I think he should respect her request if she was his wife. Since she is the gf, I really don't think she has the right to tell him who or who not to talk to.

If he wants her to be his wife, he should respect her feelings.

 

[hopeful]

IDK about that. What I do know is that he wouldn't be with me. He can go and take his friend with him.

ITA, when my dh and I were dating he and I were both still in college. Well one day I was going into the library and saw him walking down the hall with another girl and they were either holding hands or their arms were around each or something, they were just kinda laughing and having fun. They were just friends, it was obvious, but still it was soooo weird and awkward. Man I still remember how fast he got away from her when he saw me, maybe that's when I knew he was a keeper, he was not going to let a "friend" get in the way of our relationship. And not saying he couldn't have a "girl" friend but the level of their intimacy had to change if he and I were going to be together. And the thing is I didn't have to "say" anything, he just got it instantly.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

When DH & I were married all of my male friends were banned from calling/texting/pm-g me, and the same for him, we were in a long distance relationship and we both moved away from our places of residence to another state, so I really didn't know his female friends and he didn't know my males friends, and because of that, we decided it was best to end them.

I admit it was hard in the beginning, I had some really cool male friends that I had not ever had a physical relationship with, but my commitment was with my husband, not my male friends, and vice versa.

Also, if we had problems, I wanted him to discuss them with me, not run to another female telling her all of our business, and she perhaps take his side because he is "her" friend, not mine.

Our vows were to "forsake all others", so keeping in touch with former friends of the opposite sex, friends of the opposite sex that you've been intimate with is just looking for trouble in the relationship.

 

[kayte]

Thanks. Theres alot more to this story. I wonder how it would be if you were in her place.

I'm confused....
I post....based as most of us do...as one who has been there..
and with as much of the story.. that's been posted to give
opinion...

I think...you may have misread my post!

 

[dlewis]

ITA, when my dh and I were dating he and I were both still in college. Well one day I was going into the library and saw him walking down the hall with another girl and they were either holding hands or their arms were around each or something, they were just kinda laughing and having fun. They were just friends, it was obvious, but still it was soooo weird and awkward. Man I still remember how fast he got away from her when he saw me, maybe that's when I knew he was a keeper, he was not going to let a "friend" get in the way of our relationship. And not saying he couldn't have a "girl" friend but the level of their intimacy had to change if he and I were going to be together. And the thing is I didn't have to "say" anything, he just got it instantly.

When DH & I were married all of my male friends were banned from calling/texting/pm-g me, and the same for him, we were in a long distance relationship and we both moved away from our places of residence to another state, so I really didn't know his female friends and he didn't know my males friends, and because of that, we decided it was best to end them.

I admit it was hard in the beginning, I had some really cool male friends that I had not ever had a physical relationship with, but my commitment was with my husband, not my male friends, and vice versa.

Also, if we had problems, I wanted him to discuss them with me, not run to another female telling her all of our business, and she perhaps take his side because he is "her" friend, not mine.

Our vows were to "forsake all others", so keeping in touch with former friends of the opposite sex, friends of the opposite sex that you've been intimate with is just looking for trouble in the relationship.

If he wants her to be his wife, he should respect her feelings.

I agree, smart ladies. I haven't read all the other posts but my belief is that the guy as well as the OP is wrong, with most of the blame being place on the guy. I think the OP know that she has some control in this situation and maybe ole dude is feeling her.

 

[Kurlee]

Ok Im going to answer all posts in one. Between me and him, we do have energy BUT Im NOT trying to do anything beyond that. We just are really good friends and we can talk for hours easily. She's a pretty girl so I don't see why she would feel insecure or even jelly about it, I mean he's her boyfriend. And he did tell her that he would continue speaking to me but I say that he's sneaking because he will only talk to me when she's not around. At one point we were intimate but that was years ago. I've already had him in every which way I wanted him BEFORE her and nothing has happened since. I don't even like shaking his hand now. Personally, like I said earlier I think its ridiculous to ban someone from speaking to someone else. I've never done it before but I know I'm probably different from alot of other females. I would also like to add that he has ALOT of female friends, his bestfriend is a female, and she doesn't like them also LOL. But they and I were here before she was. I think the fact that she tries to so call ban him is making him want to speak to others even more. But the way I see it is if you can't trust someone and you have to spend time worrying about where they at, who they with, and who they talking to you shouldn't be with them. Right now I'm not really speaking to him because of this situation but I just want my friend back.

You were getting physical with him before her and there's "energy"....... sounds sticky. I feel as human beings, we are weak and to have "that" in your face all the time, either you or him will make a move eventually. He is wrong mostly but at the same time, I think OP knows deep down that the girlfriend might actually have a good reason to not want her in the equation.

 

[Kurlee]

in intimate relationships...three's a crowd.
so it's not so much right now about what you think or feel
about their relationship that is their business
and no one else's.


I don't think the issue is banning ....
basically..she let him know she dint like the two of you in cahoots
{shrug} he's doing it anyway....
but as long as you say "between me and him" ...that's significant wording OP,
sounds like ...sorry to say..like..... possesiveness and secret intimacy.
..and you help fuel uncertainty and usurp her rightful place
with dividing his loyalty.

he is supposed to be in a couple ..you see,
and there should never be a just between me and him
..when its ..him with her

and ...if you claim not only that you were sexual together
but also ...how.... you were sexual..... well.... that sounds like.
..sorry..again!...but like.. bragging as well as possesiveness

that's what comes through strong in your post ..
this does not seem to include respect for his relationship
the post almost seems patronizing where GF is concerned
I suppose its partially because BF doesn't respect it,either.

so...if I ...an un-involved female is picking up this vibe
..well...it must even more accute {and painful} for her.
Don't blame her because she's naiively trying to fix the unfixable
by "banning". She'll learn in time an untrustworthy male cannot be fixed.
she can only fix herself and drop his unworthy *&^%%.

this is not a friendly guy,btw..he's playing you both...
both women are vulnerable ..he's not!
but you OP... put yourself there ..you can change the equation

can you be supportive to you and to him by detaching instead of claiming him?
the poster who loved her male friends to step back.... step back...I think is a good model to follow..but maybe this is the lesson for both of you ...
this sad triangle..

but maybe you might believe,you don't need THIS friend THAT bad...
especially in such a way that endangers his own primary relationship
because if you do ..

wow.....

frankly..... I hope she continues to trust her excellent instincts
and dump him rapidly....she deserves better
so do you~not just from him..but from yourself

This post sums up exactly how I feel

 

[BeautifulFlower]

If I had a dollar for everytime I've been banned, I'd be rich.

If only the girlfriends and wives knew I was the ONLY female friend he has encouraging him to stay with you, not cheat on you, and make it work if its worth it.

Oh well, I guess Prettyface gets no love. I understand and respect it though...

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

If I had a dollar for everytime I've been banned, I'd be rich.

If only the girlfriends and wives knew I was the ONLY female friend he has encouraging him to stay with you, not cheat on you, and make it work if its worth it.

Oh well, I guess Prettyface gets no love. I understand and respect it though...

I understand your position, and there are some like you who are encouraging the man and not trying to be with him.

But my position is this--I'm married to him, and if he has a problem, he needs to talk it out with me, his wife, not a female friend. Breakdown in communication and running to another woman, imo, doesn't help so much. I'm the woman he needs to run to.

And if he needs a female opinion, he can go to female relatives for opinions, or we can go to a female counselor together. "Together" being the operative word.

His running to a female to discuss problems is not an option for me.

Maybe I'm old fashion that way.

ETA: When I was single, I was never a friend of a married man.

 

[MissNina]

IDK about that. What I do know is that he wouldn't be with me. He can go and take his friend with him.

If he wants her to be his wife, he should respect her feelings.

Yeah, everyone is different. My boyfriend. . .who is not my fiance nor husband and can be replaced at any given moment in time. . .is not going to tell me who I can't talk to. He can ask me, but if I don't want to I'm not doing it.

I have more of an issue with the guy lying to his gf about it than anything else. If he didn't want to oblige her, he should've been honest and told her so. Regardless of the OP's past/current relationship with him, her concern shouldn't be trying to make his gf happy.

 

[hopeful]

I'm confused....
I post....based as most of us do...as one who has been there..
and with as much of the story.. that's been posted to give
opinion...

I think...you may have misread my post!

Kayte, I think when she said "you" she meant the OP. I believe Dlewis agrees with your post.

 

[FemmeCreole]

there we go again

women trying to control men and thereby causing the guy to become sneaky.... which is worse for the relationship. If you cannot trust him then maybe you should not be with him.

 

[kayte]

Kayte, I think when she said "you" she meant the OP. I believe Dlewis agrees with your post.

oh! Hopeful....thank you~

so sorry DL...
I was very confused..

I thought...lol..but ...we agree
don't we~?

 

[kayte]

causing the guy to become sneaky

oh please~~ ~
if it walks like a snake......ssssssssssss
why blame his nonsense on some one else
he deserves ALL the credit on this


no one can cause a guy to do anything..
if he's sneaky...it's certainly not cas-a some woman
it's because he's a sneak
and I maintain... he's playing them BOTH

he did not have to tell OP anything
that he'd discussed with his woman

OP...hey where have you been lately

BF....oh ..with my lady....you know it's serious...
been spending a lot of time together
in fact... I gotta run.....
take care


but what did he do?

he told OP enough to trigger her and set up a competition
and then withold that info from his woman
while disrespecting her wishes to not talk to OP who she senses
as an ex-lover..even with the best of intentions...could be a loaded situation and cld compromise/jeopardize her relationship....but he does it anyway
making her more uneasy....

he's deriving satisfaction from hurting them... or he would not have done this
there's some weird payoff for this guy because he's{needlessly}
manipulating the situation ..where everyone is vulnerable but him
it's utterly dishonest and he gets to own that all by his sneaky self

maybe he enjoys setting women against each other over him
i dunno

 

[dlewis]

oh! Hopeful....thank you~

so sorry DL...
I was very confused..

I thought...lol..but ...we agree
don't we~?

yes I agree with you. thanks Hopeful.

 

[gabulldawg]

Kayte your posts are on point! I just don't see how some women don't see this. They actually think that these types of "relationships" are actually friendships... erplexed

 

[kayte]

They actually think that these types of "relationships" are actually friendships...

some of them are,tho

just...in my experience...when there's "history" with a former ex..
that has become platonic...under the best intentions
with some of us...it can be confusing...

and it's hard for me to let go ...completely... I can relate
it's not hard and fast...a lot of feelings can come up
but that's for me

I hope OP is not upset cas I think she's an
awesome lady ..her posts have always helped me
and I offered posts as one who has been both GF and Friend

yes I agree with you

thanx for being so gracious DL!

 

[Nayna]

Where is the OP? Lol

 

[Kurlee]

Kayte your posts are on point! I just don't see how some women don't see this. They actually think that these types of "relationships" are actually friendships... erplexed

i think it's being naive IMO, that and thinking that your friendship is soooooooo great that that person just HAS to have you in their life . Most of the time, if you dig a little, the basis of the "friendship" is almost always, more than friends. It's just not worth it.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Oh dont get me wrong. I 100% agree. I've had to ignore phone calls so they'll stop talking to me and talk to their wives (as I tell them to do but they dont really seem to get it but whatever).

But Its more a little personal for me. ALL of my married male friends, got married while we were friends so I knew them years before they meet their wives. I am talking 10 year friendship, gone because she doesnt want him talking to any women period. So its kind of like, well I guess I guess I lose a good friend then.

Of course men rebel against stuff like that. But sometimes I understand where she comes from.

I understand your position, and there are some like you who are encouraging the man and not trying to be with him.

But my position is this--I'm married to him, and if he has a problem, he needs to talk it out with me, his wife, not a female friend. Breakdown in communication and running to another woman, imo, doesn't help so much. I'm the woman he needs to run to.

And if he needs a female opinion, he can go to female relatives for opinions, or we can go to a female counselor together. "Together" being the operative word.

His running to a female to discuss problems is not an option for me.

Maybe I'm old fashion that way.

ETA: When I was single, I was never a friend of a married man.

 

[foxxymami]

I never understand when women say things like, 'I was here years before she was his wife and before she even stepped on the scene'. That's not the point. The question isn't about who's known him longer, its a matter of who's his lifetime commitment with. Although we'd like to think of this type of situation as gray area, it really is as simple as that.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Ok. You guys are getting my point wrong. I understand her not wanting him to talk to me. I understand she's the wife. But I also feel hurt I lose a friend. And now, a person I may have contacted regularly for advice or whatever, I can not do that anymore. I can talk to Jesus, its cool!

And its respected that you made this request and I encourage them to respect it. If they dont, I'll just stop answering the phone. One wife I asked her permission to talk to her husband. She gave me the thumbs up. But then took it back after they were having problems (none of those problems had to do with me of course)...

It may be black and white but it doesnt feel black and white when your on the other end.

I never understand when women say things like, 'I was here years before she was his wife and before she even stepped on the scene'. That's not the point. The question isn't about who's known him longer, its a matter of who's his lifetime commitment with. Although we'd like to think of this type of situation as gray area, it really is as simple as that.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Oh dont get me wrong. I 100% agree. I've had to ignore phone calls so they'll stop talking to me and talk to their wives (as I tell them to do but they dont really seem to get it but whatever).

But Its more a little personal for me. ALL of my married male friends, got married while we were friends so I knew them years before they meet their wives. I am talking 10 year friendship, gone because she doesnt want him talking to any women period. So its kind of like, well I guess I guess I lose a good friend then.

Of course men rebel against stuff like that. But sometimes I understand where she comes from.

I had male friend also that I had known for many years before marriage and vice versa for DH. But when we made our commitment to each other, part of that commitment was to let our friendships with the opposite sex go because, in most cases, it can complicate the relationship and cause too much drama in the marriage.

If any of my male friends would have gotten married before myself, I would have politely bowed out of the friendship, out of respect for his wife. My feelings is, she is his good/best female friend now. He really shouldn't need me, and if he does, I'd wonder if something was wrong or if he was unfulfilled in his marriage.

 

[gabulldawg]

Ok. You guys are getting my point wrong. I understand her not wanting him to talk to me. I understand she's the wife. But I also feel hurt I lose a friend. And now, a person I may have contacted regularly for advice or whatever, I can not do that anymore. I can talk to Jesus, its cool!

And its respected that you made this request and I encourage them to respect it. If they dont, I'll just stop answering the phone. One wife I asked her permission to talk to her husband. She gave me the thumbs up. But then took it back after they were having problems (none of those problems had to do with me of course)...

It may be black and white but it doesnt feel black and white when your on the other end.

I've been on the other end quite a few times. I guess it was an unspoken thing BEFORE the issue came up. My male friends and I actually never had to talk about it. I knew that when he got serious with another woman there wouldn't be space for me in his life anymore! IMO it's a matter of respect and maturity.

It's also a matter of how you were raised. I've said before that my parents (who have been successfully married for over 20 years) don't have opposite sex "friends." Of course they both had lives before each other, but they both understood that they take precidence over anyone else once they got married. IMO there's no place for opposite sex "friendships" in a successful relationship or marriage.

IMO those friends who respect their woman/wife enough to let an opposite sex friendship end show more maturity than a guy who wants to sneak behind his woman's back to still talk to you! If he can't be honest with his wife, what makes you think he's being honest in your "friendship??" erplexed

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I've been on the other end quite a few times. I guess it was an unspoken thing BEFORE the issue came up. My male friends and I actually never had to talk about it. I knew that when he got serious with another woman there wouldn't be space for me in his life anymore! IMO it's a matter of respect and maturity.

It's also a matter of how you were raised. I've said before that my parents (who have been successfully married for over 20 years) don't have opposite sex "friends." Of course they both had lives before each other, but they both understood that they take precidence over anyone else once they got married. IMO there's no place for opposite sex "friendships" in a successful relationship or marriage.

IMO those friends who respect their woman/wife enough to let an opposite sex friendship end show more maturity than a guy who wants to sneak behind his woman's back to still talk to you! If he can't be honest with his wife, what makes you think he's being honest in your "friendship??" erplexed

Very good post GA.

It really bothers me when "women" think that a "married woman" controls her husband by not allowing them to have female friends of past.

It has nothing to do with control, but the fact that, in a lot of cases, it has been agreed upon, by both the husband and wife before the marriage, for the sake of the marriage, and getting the marriage off on a good start.

I believe that if these "women" had a man of their own to concentrate on, then they wouldn't have room to think about or try to keep in touch with another woman's man.

 

[gabulldawg]

Very good post GA.

It really bothers me when "women" think that a "married woman" controls her husband by not allowing them to have female friends of past.

It has nothing to do with control, but the fact that, in a lot of cases, it has been agreed upon, by both the husband and wife before the marriage, for the sake of the marriage, and getting the marriage off on a good start.

I believe that if these "women" had a man of their own to concentrate on, then they wouldn't have room to think about or try to keep in touch with another woman's man.

The bolded is part of the reason why I don't believe in opposite sex "friendships." I'd say that about 98% of the cases is this phenomenon right here. It's also partly people using each other to make them feel better about themselves, or thinking that they have "options." The funny/sad part is that these women don't understand how it makes them look to fight over a man that's already chosen another woman over you.

I really could go on and on about this topic...

 

[Barbie83]

I've been on the other end quite a few times. I guess it was an unspoken thing BEFORE the issue came up. My male friends and I actually never had to talk about it. I knew that when he got serious with another woman there wouldn't be space for me in his life anymore! IMO it's a matter of respect and maturity.

It's also a matter of how you were raised. I've said before that my parents (who have been successfully married for over 20 years) don't have opposite sex "friends." Of course they both had lives before each other, but they both understood that they take precidence over anyone else once they got married. IMO there's no place for opposite sex "friendships" in a successful relationship or marriage.

IMO those friends who respect their woman/wife enough to let an opposite sex friendship end show more maturity than a guy who wants to sneak behind his woman's back to still talk to you! If he can't be honest with his wife, what makes you think he's being honest in your "friendship??" erplexed

OMG I totally agree!