My Friends GF has banned him from speaking to me......

[DarkVictory]

Why did he even tell you that she wanted him to stop talking to you?

I wonder if men know that in revealing what their GFs/DWs want them to do (instead of simply doing it or not doing it) that they add fuel to the fire.

H@// yes they know! They're enjoying the show.

Did she tell you to stop talking to him, or are you taking his word? And what did he tell her about you? I'm not sold on the insecure wife. Could just as well be a lying-@$$ husband.

 

[JustKiya]

If I have to ban my man from talking to another woman, because I'm suspicious of their relationship, I need to ban my man, period.

He's a grown arse man! Who am I to tell him who he can and cannot talk to? I'm not his mama! I've never been able to understand the logic behind such actions - it takes two to be shady, and if I can't implicitly trust my man to rebuke any and all shade no matter the source - we don't need to be together. Period.

 

[nappystorm]

I didn't ban him per se...My ex (key word) had a platonic female friend. I was cool with that. She was going through a rough time so I used to give her rides (without charging gas),let him keep her son at my house, she's even stayed at my house before, and I tried to get her a job where I was working. It was cool because she stayed in her lane and was alway respectful. She was living with her fiance and we would all just hang out and kick it. No big deal.

One day I went through his phone (I usually don't do this but he went through mine so fair is fair) and she sent him messages about having dreams about coloring with him and she just want to try it one time and how she can please him, blah, blah, blah. He turned her down and reminded her that she had a fiance who loved and took care of her (didn't mention me at all erplexed). I went off because he didn't tell me and was going to let continue me help this trifling cow out knowing she was trying to sleep with him.

I cut off all contact with her but I let him choose whether he wanted to keep her as a friend or not. Being the a-hole he was, he decided to keep her as a friend. I ended up dropping him and his ish off at her and her fiance's apt at 2 in the morning less than a month later

 

[likewtr4chklit]

If I have to ban my man from talking to another woman, because I'm suspicious of their relationship, I need to ban my man, period.

He's a grown arse man! Who am I to tell him who he can and cannot talk to? I'm not his mama! I've never been able to understand the logic behind such actions - it takes two to be shady, and if I can't implicitly trust my man to rebuke any and all shade no matter the source - we don't need to be together. Period.

I agree with this post the most. I find DH has been honest with me about women from his past and his interactions with women in general. We both know that too much time spent with a friend of the opposite sex is just not a good idea. But I don't go through his phone to see who he's talking to, or how often and he doesn't do to me either. It's about trust and respect. If I didn't have that for him I would be honest about it and let him know that is the reason why I go through his phone, and don't want him talking to certain chicks.

 

[shawniegee]

I have this problem with a friend of mine. It's complicated because we're friends and we work together musically. I can't tell you how many projects he's abandoned because of her. He doesn't know I know that's why. She's called my house and my job, to see if it was me he called. I'm not remotely attracted to him. But I know he's had feelings for me since high school and has always told me I was his dream girl. I'm sure that has something to with it. But I don't get how women can be long term relationship and waste so much energy trying to control their man. It's just impossible.

 

[vkb247]

I don't know why so many are quick to call his GF out of line. He still chooses to be with her under these circumstances so if anyone needs to check themselves I think that it is him.

 

[loved]

Men and women can develop emotional intimacy that might be threatening to her. Time and frequent contact can be fertile ground for that intimacy to develop, but a complete ban seems extreme.

I have been a little disappointed to find that people I thought of as colleagues or friends crossed the line to hit on me when it was clearly inappropriate for them & maybe she's had those kinds of experiences.

 

[Farida]

I never banned my man...but I told him I was VERY uncomfortable with him being such great friends with this one girl.

It looked platonic, but I'm not stupid nor insecure and my gut said something wasn't right. And I ended up being correct. As far as the guy was concerned, and I believed him, he just wanted to hang out with her, but she wanted more.

It isn't always insecurity...sometimes it is common sense.

And sometimes, just sometimes, in the case of a new friend (not people who have been there for him through thick and thin or have known for a long time) it is very telling when a husband (not a boyfriend) supposedly loves a woman but would rather keep his new friendship than the wife he vowed till death for.

But in OP's case, I don't know. She could be insecure, she could be reading something from him about how he feels about you. And if he chooses to be secretly your friend that is so immature. He needs to dump her if he doesn't agree with her.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

i'm recently going through this. one of my best friends new girlfriend banned him from talking to me. he doesn't know that i know. i was hurt at first, especially since i've known him for so long, and we went to school together. i've never had any feelings towards him, and we've never dated. i decided to respect her wishes, and pulled away. he calls and asks why i don't come around or call. the only problem with the situation, is that she has a problem with him being close with his family too.

 

[LadieCrn]

If he has to sneak behind her back to do it then he has an issue that he needs to address. I "had" a male BF for ten years, he got with a pety chick that waited till they had a kid of their own (pretty early on I might add) to show her true colors. All along she was smiling in my face, hanging out with me and my SO, holding my son, then suddenly she is giving me the cold shoulder. He tried to act like nothing was going on but it eventually blew way outta hand and I am not one to be disrespected. The friendship is over, my feelings were hurt, but one day he tried to approach me on some well lets just the two of us talk without including the SO's. I am like hell no, you have a kid, I have a kid, we are both in relationships, I am not about to be underhanded just to talk to you. If she has such an issue then I don't even want to waste my time. I promptly cut him off. The audacity, to think I want to be his secret friend. Wouldn't that have made it infinetely worse? My SO was pretty pissed that this ex bestfriend turned out to be what he calls a lame.

 

[LadieCrn]

Ok Im going to answer all posts in one. Between me and him, we do have energy BUT Im NOT trying to do anything beyond that. We just are really good friends and we can talk for hours easily. She's a pretty girl so I don't see why she would feel insecure or even jelly about it, I mean he's her boyfriend. And he did tell her that he would continue speaking to me but I say that he's sneaking because he will only talk to me when she's not around. At one point we were intimate but that was years ago. I've already had him in every which way I wanted him BEFORE her and nothing has happened since. I don't even like shaking his hand now. Personally, like I said earlier I think its ridiculous to ban someone from speaking to someone else. I've never done it before but I know I'm probably different from alot of other females. I would also like to add that he has ALOT of female friends, his bestfriend is a female, and she doesn't like them also LOL. But they and I were here before she was. I think the fact that she tries to so call ban him is making him want to speak to others even more. But the way I see it is if you can't trust someone and you have to spend time worrying about where they at, who they with, and who they talking to you shouldn't be with them. Right now I'm not really speaking to him because of this situation but I just want my friend back.

Oh no no no, I would ban you too. Honestly people do not need to be buddies with people they slept with unless you have kids. And the fact that you say ya'll have energy, can't you see how this would be an issue?

 

[Everything Zen]

I never thought about the emotional cheating but I think that happened with me. I feel like Angelina Jolie please don't stone me ya'll

Big LONG Sigh...

I lost a very good college girl friend over something like this BUT she had started getting a little psychologically derailed. She's always been emotionally flat and unresponsive (major father issues). As long as I've known her she has never been without a bf. She's one of those monkey bar types that has never learned to be single.

Okay- We all went to the same school. She was dating her first bf and apparently decided she didn't want to be with him anymore but didn't want to be the one to initiate the break up. She later admitted to me that she tried to push him onto me so we might start dating (WEIRD). Instead we became very close FRIENDS. I have a lot of concert hook ups in Chicago and I took him and his little brother and another guy to a free show. At any rate when I started dating someone else, she finally dumped him. He is now married and a dear friend to this day. She did a lot of shady things to him that she claimed she didn't understand like moving in as a summer lease into his apt. with their other friends and bringing over her new SO (one of my longtime crushes and dearest male friends BUT they had an attraction and she asked me I said "girl go for it"- that's how cool I am with my girls ) I thought it was horrible how she flaunted him in front of her ex and he would call me crying and upset I helped him get through.

After that she went on to grad school elsewhere. I remained at the same school. We both went through traumatic relationships at the same time with different guys but she was the one that hooked me up with this handsome freak show and they were close friends (as close as his crazy a** would let anyone get) they both went to the same college I lived 2 hours away at my school. She told me that she thought he was very attractive. They would go to dinner together and be workout buddies go to plays, movies, etc. but that was my girl and we have trust. Her guy was still at my school but we didn't really hang out much. I took him and his gf before my girl and him started dating with a group to a free show. I do this with all of my friends. At any rate, we both got over our horrible exes and moved on.

Then she meets the guy in question lets call him "Ken". She introduced him to me. Ken is an attractive guy (all of our girlfriends and even my mom think so) but I am always respectful and never flirty. We had a lot in common and she was becoming more and more unhinged when it came to their relationship. Seeing them together one weekend that I came down I knew it wasn't going to last and it would end terribly. When I first met Ken I told her good catch and left it at that. She told me that apparently Ken saw one of her pics of me and mentioned that I looked cute. She asked me to teach him guitar so during the lessons I befriended Ken just as I have befriended all of my other girl friends husbands and SOs. I have all of the SO/DH numbers and they call occasionally for some info or whatever. I am also close to their SO/DH's families- and they are close with mine. In fact my best friend's DH used to come over to my house while they were dating every year during the holidays bc he has relatives nearby sometimes without her to visit me and my family).

Okay my girl and Ken came up to my school to some of my shows. He would ask when was I coming in town again and she started getting upset with him being "my number one fan". I saw signs that Ken was attracted but this was after they were already having a lot of problems. Ken has no friends that aren't married so she wanted him to meet the gang. I introduced him to her/our little group. Ken was then welcomed by our group so now he's considered a part of our circle. He finally called telling me that he was going to have to break up with her. Ken has A LOT of issues and is very insecure. I was a listening ear but I stayed neutral on both sides and NEVER relayed any conversations between. They broke up after a year and a half and both of them called me and I was in the middle. The she tells Ken he can't talk to me. At this point we were good friends at her persuasion so now I treat him as I treat ALL friends. How could I cut Ken off at this point bc their relationship was on the rocks? (PLEASE NOTE: If they were married it would be completely different and I would tell him I still considered him a good friend but I couldn't associate with him). She trusted me but I know she was hurt that I didn't cut him off but what can I say? She pushed him onto me and our friends. I never cut off anyone. We didn't hang out during this time but we talked AS FRIENDS. A year after the break up she left the country to study abroad and Ken stayed here. Then he start hanging out WITH THE GROUP never alone with me. He starts camping with us, talking to others in our circle regularly and going to concerts, etc. I never deliberately told her when we hung out but I always told her if she asked.

She calls me on New Years at the big group party of course Ken is there and she's cursing him to me in spanish. (She's not latin). I left the party listened to her and consoled her. (it was 2 years now and she left the freaking country!!!)

I would NEVER date my friend's exes. I was still friends with my girl and Ken and we hung out separately but she was obsessed with having a bf and she was still emotionally fragile. In the meantime I started dating a guy clear across the country. She's still out of the country and Ken was took an internship in the same city as my SO (before we were dating). He would come out and meet us to party. Then we broke up and then I was quickly in my current relationship. It was funny bc she was soooo close and consoling and in my face when I went through that break up. As soon as this one started she wrote me a note in spanish associating me with her troubles with all her relationships. She was letting go of us all. I was devastated but not surprised. She said she just needed time to heal and to get over things. She never accused me of anything bc there was nothing. Ken may have emotionally strayed but I didn't lead him on. I was involved in my own relationships and talked to him as I did with all of my friends. I lost one friend but I gained another. I hope our friendship will eventually rekindle. She has since disappeared across the country and she has erased all ties over the internet and phone. I still talk to her mother from time to time. I told her our troubles and what my girl thought was going on and even her mother said she was having a rough time and of course she knew we didn't do anything wrong.

That was 3 years ago. To this day, I have visited Ken with friends while I am in my current relationship and we remain tight clear across the country. Some of our group is flying out this spring and I won't be going.

While recovering from my current depression I cut off contact with all friends. I finally wrote a letter giving an update to everyone. Ken wrote back saying he loved me and hoped I was doing better (this was the first time he ever said this). I wrote a long guilt ridden letter about knowing that we were both attracted to each other and she saw it even though I had my own relationships and we would never act on it and so forth and I missed her dearly. He wrote back saying he loved me as a dear friend and acknowledging our attraction but agreeing that we always knew we would never go there and he felt like a fool for letting her go but it was bc she became so clingy and started revolving her life around Ken who is still emotionally and spiritually, purposely lost.

I have a lot of older closer female friendships and they ALL thought she had been acting irrational. This was the first time she became emotionally involved the whole time I've known her. I have talked to them all throughout this and everyone knew what was happening over time. They all said that there has never been an issue of trust with me with the men in their life. One dear friend's SO teased her once saying "you're lucky I didn't go for EZ when I met you guys." Her response "you would never have a chance with EZ". Matter of fact one of my closest long time male friends started dating this chicken head who was jealous of our relationship bc he was one of my biggest music critiques and we would read each other's poetry. I was always nice and accommodating of said chicken head and invited THEM to come over. She gets jealous (they had been messing around for a month) and refused to come over.

I seem to attract a lot of people bc of my personality. I may suffer from deep depressions but I love life. I treat everyone the same way. I didn't drink until the end of college so instead of having keg parties I had dinner parties. I would cook for 100 people on Sundays. My girls would help me get it together and everyone would come through the apt. all afternoon and evening and eat all friends, friends of friends- we even invited people we met off the street! All of our exes have rolled through those dinner parties at some point as friends, SOs, whatever. I am the listening ear to everyone and once I consider you my friend it's unconditional- like you can have my kidney if you needed it. I don't even think I attract people bc of me- I always say it's bc of my spirit meaning what they're attracted to is God.

I SWEAR I TREAT HIM NO DIFFERENTLY THAN ANY OF MY FRIENDS MALE OR FEMALE.

Well? What says the group? Let the stone throwing begin...

OP it's a tough situation and there is no one right answer. You have to watch the signs and weigh the outcomes.

 

[vkb247]

EZ that is an interesting story. Your friend said that she didn't think anything was going with you and her ex. You also said that she is emotionally fragile (and perhaps insecure). So I wouldn't be worried about her saying that you caused her problems because you obviously didn't and if she isn't women enough to accept responsibility for her life than she is her biggest problem.

Maybe she can't deal with her man and her friends being friends. If that is the case than I think she did the right thing by distancing herself from you as you said that you always befriend your friends DH/SO's.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your relationship with Ken but I also wouldn't want my friends to get as close to my SO as you do with your friends SO's. I just can't see any reason why they should be talking on the phone and visiting each other when I am not around.

 

[Everything Zen]

EZ that is an interesting story. Your friend said that she didn't think anything was going with you and her ex. You also said that she is emotionally fragile (and perhaps insecure). So I wouldn't be worried about her saying that you caused her problems because you obviously didn't and if she isn't women enough to accept responsibility for her life than she is her biggest problem.

Maybe she can't deal with her man and her friends being friends. If that is the case than I think she did the right thing by distancing herself from you as you said that you always befriend your friends DH/SO's.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your relationship with Ken but I also wouldn't want my friends to get as close to my SO as you do with your friends SO's. I just can't see any reason why they should be talking on the phone and visiting each other when I am not around.

I get what you're saying meaning her insecurities and not being able to handle it. That's definitely the case. She clearly encouraged this with both guys so it's more friendly than the norm with my other girls. I wasn't the seductive temptress that initiated this. How am I not going to end up befriending the guy you want to get to know our circle and teach how to play guitar? Take the concerts for example- Everyone knows I have the hook up. They knew I was going to a specific show and of course they are all invited to get in free but she didn't care for that kind of music so she wouldn't go. This wasn't a regular occurrence.

I don't know if I didn't describe the other relationships well but they're friendly to the point of being like family but the associations are few and far in between. The other cases are not that way bc I have no reason to associate bc my girls never perpetuated. They might call for a computer problem or to plan a surprise party for the girl or the proposal and ask for advice on presents, etc. One girl's DH is struggling with depression and she encourages him to call me as they know I've gone through it if they want to ask for advice on how to get help. I was even teaching one friend's DH's father guitar at some point and he was at one of my shows. Also all of the SO's/DH's have closer female friends as well.

I completely understand. Most of us went to school together and knew each other before college so we all kinda grew up together. The holiday visiting is a brief friendly drop in bc we live like right down the street from his family and that's only once or twice since he's in the neighborhood and it's more to see my parents and play with our dog as we are all home every time, but they also both come and visit together often.

Now- if my friends did that with my current SO it would be a different story. Because we live 175 miles away and they've only met each other 2 time. It's a COMPLETELY different situation and I COULD have serious issues with that. But then again I do give the phone to my SO while I am doing something to talk to my girls for 15-20 minutes. Everyone is older and working having kids and living hundreds of miles away. It would've likely been the same as other relationships had my SO went to college with us.

 

[Barbie83]

Oh no no no, I would ban you too. Honestly people do not need to be buddies with people they slept with unless you have kids. And the fact that you say ya'll have energy, can't you see how this would be an issue?

I totally agree! I'm sorry, but what is the point of being so called "friends" with someone you were previously intimate with? If the act has happened before, whats to stop you from saying "Ah well, we did it already, so whats one more time?" There's just a little too much familiarity there for my comfort level.

Sometimes its not about the GF being "insecure", its about her man having the COMMON sense to know what is appropriate and what is inappropriate, especially when there is an "energy" present between you two. And if you guys are truly "just friends", you should be able to step back, distance yourself and give their relationship some respect.

 

[syze6]

Ok Im going to answer all posts in one. Between me and him, we do have energy BUT Im NOT trying to do anything beyond that. We just are really good friends and we can talk for hours easily. She's a pretty girl so I don't see why she would feel insecure or even jelly about it, I mean he's her boyfriend. And he did tell her that he would continue speaking to me but I say that he's sneaking because he will only talk to me when she's not around. At one point we were intimate but that was years ago. I've already had him in every which way I wanted him BEFORE her and nothing has happened since. I don't even like shaking his hand now. Personally, like I said earlier I think its ridiculous to ban someone from speaking to someone else. I've never done it before but I know I'm probably different from alot of other females. I would also like to add that he has ALOT of female friends, his bestfriend is a female, and she doesn't like them also LOL. But they and I were here before she was. I think the fact that she tries to so call ban him is making him want to speak to others even more. But the way I see it is if you can't trust someone and you have to spend time worrying about where they at, who they with, and who they talking to you shouldn't be with them. Right now I'm not really speaking to him because of this situation but I just want my friend back.

May it's the fact that you two were intimate and maybe she knows it. Most time when you cross that line it's hard to maintain a solid only friendship. I wouldn't want my man being chatty with someone he slept with. What's the point?I

If you crossed that line once, it's so much easier to cross it again. Now I'm not going to order he stay away from her but if he valued our relationship, which he should over some girlfriend it would end. Some people really kill me acting as if, they really don't know what the big deal is.

Not directed toward the OP but as a woman, one does not have to wonder why issues would be present. If I slept with someone's man in the past, I would truly understand the need to distant myself or remove myself from the situation. I wouldn't think the girl was being unreasonable.

I have never been one to participate in someone sneaking to talk to me. If your girl has a problem with it, than I will love you from afar. I will never make you think it's okay for you to sneak behind her back and continue communicating with me.

 

[Honey6928215]

I knew a friend that had that happen to her years ago. She was friends with this guy since high school and of course he hooked up with a lady and starting dating. Next thing she knows he eloped and got married to the woman. But she had no idea that the woman didn't like her but she noticed that he hasn't been talking to her lately which is not unusual to her. But she ran into them at the store, and spoke to her friend and his wife. Later on she overheard them arguing and the wife told him that she don't want him to ever talk to her again. She was hurt but she didn't question it until he told her days later. She was furious but she had to respect it.

Over a year later, she left work and heard someone called her name and saw it was him and his wife at her job. He acted like everything is honky-dory because he wants to work at the company where she works. She was cordial and cut the conversation short and told them that she has an appointment. She was still hurt over what happened but she moved on. After that he kept calling her and left messages on her voicemail but didn't return his calls. She feels that if she can't be friends with him then she shouldn't communicate with him...PERIOD!

Next thing she knows, she found out that he put her name down on his application without asking her. Boy, was she furious! She paided a visit to their house and cussed both of them out. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job. She didn't have anything to do with it but she thought the nerve he have trying to do that after the way he treated her. Sorry so long but men need to realize that if they are banned from talking to their female friends then they shouldn't expect them to do any favors either. Can't have it both ways.

 

[alwayzalady22]

I knew a friend that had that happen to her years ago. She was friends with this guy since high school and of course he hooked up with a lady and starting dating. Next thing she knows he eloped and got married to the woman. But she had no idea that the woman didn't like her but she noticed that he hasn't been talking to her lately which is not unusual to her. But she ran into them at the store, and spoke to her friend and his wife. Later on she overheard them arguing and the wife told him that she don't want him to ever talk to her again. She was hurt but she didn't question it until he told her days later. She was furious but she had to respect it.

Over a year later, she left work and heard someone called her name and saw it was him and his wife at her job. He acted like everything is honky-dory because he wants to work at the company where she works. She was cordial and cut the conversation short and told them that she has an appointment. She was still hurt over what happened but she moved on. After that he kept calling her and left messages on her voicemail but didn't return his calls. She feels that if she can't be friends with him then she shouldn't communicate with him...PERIOD!

Next thing she knows, she found out that he put her name down on his application without asking her. Boy, was she furious! She paided a visit to their house and cussed both of them out. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job. She didn't have anything to do with it but she thought the nerve he have trying to do that after the way he treated her. Sorry so long but men need to realize that if they are banned from talking to their female friends then they shouldn't expect them to do any favors either. Can't have it both ways.

once he moved on and got married, he shoulda chalked up any hookups he coulda got from ol' girl to the game and just tried to get that job on his own accord.

 

[LiberianGirl]

I think you have a very mature approach to the whole situation.

I agree. I recently reunited with an ex on FB and found out he is now married with a child. I don't even feel right sending him PM due to our past. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me so I can't even bring myself to continue private communication with a GF's/wife's man that I had been intimate with. Just doesn't seem decent...IMO.

Ok Im going to answer all posts in one. Between me and him, we do have energy BUT Im NOT trying to do anything beyond that. We just are really good friends and we can talk for hours easily. She's a pretty girl so I don't see why she would feel insecure or even jelly about it, I mean he's her boyfriend. And he did tell her that he would continue speaking to me but I say that he's sneaking because he will only talk to me when she's not around. At one point we were intimate but that was years ago. I've already had him in every which way I wanted him BEFORE her and nothing has happened since. I don't even like shaking his hand now. Personally, like I said earlier I think its ridiculous to ban someone from speaking to someone else. I've never done it before but I know I'm probably different from alot of other females. I would also like to add that he has ALOT of female friends, his bestfriend is a female, and she doesn't like them also LOL. But they and I were here before she was. I think the fact that she tries to so call ban him is making him want to speak to others even more. But the way I see it is if you can't trust someone and you have to spend time worrying about where they at, who they with, and who they talking to you shouldn't be with them. Right now I'm not really speaking to him because of this situation but I just want my friend back.

You are dead wrong....just being honest.

 

[Honey6928215]

once he moved on and got married, he shoulda chalked up any hookups he coulda got from ol' girl to the game and just tried to get that job on his own accord.

You are right. But the company she works was very hard to get into and he knew it. I guess he thought she could help him. She was lucky because she got in through an internship. But I thought that was crazy! She never heard from him again.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Idk... before I read abt the prev intimacy part I was like ole girl is just trippin..esp if she got male friends. But now I feel differently. DH knows I am NOT cool w him being friends w anyone he hooked up with, anyone that likes or used to like him. When we were just dating I had insecurties but no aurhority to say anyrhing re his friendships w females. As we got serious though and now married I DO have a say. Example he had some sheets a married "friend" gave him. Ok maybe no problem but this girl tried to hook up w him many times (before we ever got together) and DH turned her down bc she's married. But still... that ish aint cool. Don't tou know those sheets went in the trash? I told DH she got you those sheets bc she wants to get in between the sheets- with you! I don't have issues w him having female friends. He has two very close female friends. But they are now my friends too. I have their numbers and they have mine. They came to my bridal and baby showers and we email each other and hang out occasionally.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

disclaimer- I'm typing from my phone right now.I don't really have male friends bc all he ones I had tried to get w me and I wasn't down for that. I have a few from work but I'd say they are more like acquaintances than friends. If I hang out with them its a group of us and DH is there as well as their wives. I think it is better this way and DH is the same.

 

[aribell]

I never banned my man...but I told him I was VERY uncomfortable with him being such great friends with this one girl.

It looked platonic, but I'm not stupid nor insecure and my gut said something wasn't right. And I ended up being correct. As far as the guy was concerned, and I believed him, he just wanted to hang out with her, but she wanted more.

It isn't always insecurity...sometimes it is common sense.

So true. People can develop deep emotional connections with people they're not in a relationship with and end up doing something they shouldn't if they let themselves get into that situation.

I've had at least one clear situation where the gf knew that her bf and I had had feelings for one another in the past, but was "trusting" and didn't question that he still wanted to keep in touch, and though nothing "happened," it was clear that the feelings were still there and he ended up admitting his continued feelings for me and making a move, and they aren't together anymore. In that situation, given what he had told her about me, I thought she was being very naive to not question his feelings, or to ask for more boundaries to be in place.

I don't believe in commanding adult people to do anything, but I wouldn't assume that just because we're together he couldn't have or develop feelings for someone else (or that she's not waiting to make her move). In the end, the fact that he has feelings for someone else may mean we weren't supposed to be together anyway; but by pressing the issue, at least you can find out sooner rather than later if that's the case, and hopefully without the drama of an unnecessarily complicated situation.

Another friend of mine I feel is the perfect example of a guy doing it right. Even though he had (unreciprocated) feelings for me for a long time, once he began dating his now wife, our conversations consisted mostly of what he should get her for Valentine's day, how the wedding planning was going, him adopting her son, etc. And the conversations were relatively short, like 30 minutes or less. He gives no reason to question his intentions.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I understand the other woman's position and your's as his friend. Women don't like other women hanging around their men. And men are the same way. Just one of many relationship dynamics. Losing a friend always hurts. The fact that he's sneaking to be your friend is an absolute disrespect to his girlfiend.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Ok Im going to answer all posts in one. Between me and him, we do have energy BUT Im NOT trying to do anything beyond that. We just are really good friends and we can talk for hours easily. She's a pretty girl so I don't see why she would feel insecure or even jelly about it, I mean he's her boyfriend. And he did tell her that he would continue speaking to me but I say that he's sneaking because he will only talk to me when she's not around. At one point we were intimate but that was years ago. I've already had him in every which way I wanted him BEFORE her and nothing has happened since. I don't even like shaking his hand now. Personally, like I said earlier I think its ridiculous to ban someone from speaking to someone else. I've never done it before but I know I'm probably different from alot of other females. I would also like to add that he has ALOT of female friends, his bestfriend is a female, and she doesn't like them also LOL. But they and I were here before she was. I think the fact that she tries to so call ban him is making him want to speak to others even more. But the way I see it is if you can't trust someone and you have to spend time worrying about where they at, who they with, and who they talking to you shouldn't be with them. Right now I'm not really speaking to him because of this situation but I just want my friend back.

Oh, Oh. I knew there was something left out.

Ok you being a former lover and who knows who else of his "friend girls" are former lovers; I see why she is trying to give herself a fighting chance to have something real with this man. Her trusting him is something that is between her and her man (your "friend"). Perfectly understandable that she wants to build something without that extra estrogen floating around her man. It's smart and the mark of a true friend to bow out gracefully and not be a burden to his relationship. Perhaps in the future you two can have more contact.

Her being pretty doesn't mean squat to men. He is clearly a man who enjoys being surrounded by feminine energy. I know plenty of men with friend girls. I am a friend girl to a guy who had a girlfriend and yup we ended up making out. And he ended up telling me that I was the one he really wants to be with. He lives half way across the country and even when we call to check up on each other he still wants to know if I'm hooked up with anyone. LOL And yes when he comes to town he is all over me and staying at an ex-girlfriends now friend girl's house. LAWD MEN!

Team girlfriend. Sorry!

 

[CurlyMoo]

Why did he even tell you that she wanted him to stop talking to you?

I wonder if men know that in revealing what their GFs/DWs want them to do (instead of simply doing it or not doing it) that they add fuel to the fire.

Yeah some people subconsiously enjoy the drama and others are inexperienced in the art of breaking up.

Real men will make the sacrifices for the main woman in his life. And if it means dumping former lovers then so be it. I think he could have handled it differently. There could have been a smoother way to do it but in the end there will be pain of the loss. You just don't tell too much of your personal relationship especially when you are ending certain friendships at the request of your mate.

Honestly, I think he wants to continue the friendships and it looks like he's inching his way to an altimatum. In the end they will always go with the one he is sleeping with and taking home to mother.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I haven't banned anybody but right now I'm on the banned list too! We grew up together and he was my best friend and when we were young he had a thing for me but since meeting his now wife has told him not to talk to me (even though they live 3 time zones away)

Trust me time zones don't matter.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I never thought about the emotional cheating but I think that happened with me. I feel like Angelina Jolie please don't stone me ya'll

Big LONG Sigh...

I lost a very good college girl friend over something like this BUT she had started getting a little psychologically derailed. She's always been emotionally flat and unresponsive (major father issues). As long as I've known her she has never been without a bf. She's one of those monkey bar types that has never learned to be single.

Okay- We all went to the same school. She was dating her first bf and apparently decided she didn't want to be with him anymore but didn't want to be the one to initiate the break up. She later admitted to me that she tried to push him onto me so we might start dating (WEIRD). Instead we became very close FRIENDS. I have a lot of concert hook ups in Chicago and I took him and his little brother and another guy to a free show. At any rate when I started dating someone else, she finally dumped him. He is now married and a dear friend to this day. She did a lot of shady things to him that she claimed she didn't understand like moving in as a summer lease into his apt. with their other friends and bringing over her new SO (one of my longtime crushes and dearest male friends BUT they had an attraction and she asked me I said "girl go for it"- that's how cool I am with my girls ) I thought it was horrible how she flaunted him in front of her ex and he would call me crying and upset I helped him get through.

After that she went on to grad school elsewhere. I remained at the same school. We both went through traumatic relationships at the same time with different guys but she was the one that hooked me up with this handsome freak show and they were close friends (as close as his crazy a** would let anyone get) they both went to the same college I lived 2 hours away at my school. She told me that she thought he was very attractive. They would go to dinner together and be workout buddies go to plays, movies, etc. but that was my girl and we have trust. Her guy was still at my school but we didn't really hang out much. I took him and his gf before my girl and him started dating with a group to a free show. I do this with all of my friends. At any rate, we both got over our horrible exes and moved on.

Then she meets the guy in question lets call him "Ken". She introduced him to me. Ken is an attractive guy (all of our girlfriends and even my mom think so) but I am always respectful and never flirty. We had a lot in common and she was becoming more and more unhinged when it came to their relationship. Seeing them together one weekend that I came down I knew it wasn't going to last and it would end terribly. When I first met Ken I told her good catch and left it at that. She told me that apparently Ken saw one of her pics of me and mentioned that I looked cute. She asked me to teach him guitar so during the lessons I befriended Ken just as I have befriended all of my other girl friends husbands and SOs. I have all of the SO/DH numbers and they call occasionally for some info or whatever. I am also close to their SO/DH's families- and they are close with mine. In fact my best friend's DH used to come over to my house while they were dating every year during the holidays bc he has relatives nearby sometimes without her to visit me and my family).

Okay my girl and Ken came up to my school to some of my shows. He would ask when was I coming in town again and she started getting upset with him being "my number one fan". I saw signs that Ken was attracted but this was after they were already having a lot of problems. Ken has no friends that aren't married so she wanted him to meet the gang. I introduced him to her/our little group. Ken was then welcomed by our group so now he's considered a part of our circle. He finally called telling me that he was going to have to break up with her. Ken has A LOT of issues and is very insecure. I was a listening ear but I stayed neutral on both sides and NEVER relayed any conversations between. They broke up after a year and a half and both of them called me and I was in the middle. The she tells Ken he can't talk to me. At this point we were good friends at her persuasion so now I treat him as I treat ALL friends. How could I cut Ken off at this point bc their relationship was on the rocks? (PLEASE NOTE: If they were married it would be completely different and I would tell him I still considered him a good friend but I couldn't associate with him). She trusted me but I know she was hurt that I didn't cut him off but what can I say? She pushed him onto me and our friends. I never cut off anyone. We didn't hang out during this time but we talked AS FRIENDS. A year after the break up she left the country to study abroad and Ken stayed here. Then he start hanging out WITH THE GROUP never alone with me. He starts camping with us, talking to others in our circle regularly and going to concerts, etc. I never deliberately told her when we hung out but I always told her if she asked.

She calls me on New Years at the big group party of course Ken is there and she's cursing him to me in spanish. (She's not latin). I left the party listened to her and consoled her. (it was 2 years now and she left the freaking country!!!)

I would NEVER date my friend's exes. I was still friends with my girl and Ken and we hung out separately but she was obsessed with having a bf and she was still emotionally fragile. In the meantime I started dating a guy clear across the country. She's still out of the country and Ken was took an internship in the same city as my SO (before we were dating). He would come out and meet us to party. Then we broke up and then I was quickly in my current relationship. It was funny bc she was soooo close and consoling and in my face when I went through that break up. As soon as this one started she wrote me a note in spanish associating me with her troubles with all her relationships. She was letting go of us all. I was devastated but not surprised. She said she just needed time to heal and to get over things. She never accused me of anything bc there was nothing. Ken may have emotionally strayed but I didn't lead him on. I was involved in my own relationships and talked to him as I did with all of my friends. I lost one friend but I gained another. I hope our friendship will eventually rekindle. She has since disappeared across the country and she has erased all ties over the internet and phone. I still talk to her mother from time to time. I told her our troubles and what my girl thought was going on and even her mother said she was having a rough time and of course she knew we didn't do anything wrong.

That was 3 years ago. To this day, I have visited Ken with friends while I am in my current relationship and we remain tight clear across the country. Some of our group is flying out this spring and I won't be going.

While recovering from my current depression I cut off contact with all friends. I finally wrote a letter giving an update to everyone. Ken wrote back saying he loved me and hoped I was doing better (this was the first time he ever said this). I wrote a long guilt ridden letter about knowing that we were both attracted to each other and she saw it even though I had my own relationships and we would never act on it and so forth and I missed her dearly. He wrote back saying he loved me as a dear friend and acknowledging our attraction but agreeing that we always knew we would never go there and he felt like a fool for letting her go but it was bc she became so clingy and started revolving her life around Ken who is still emotionally and spiritually, purposely lost.

I have a lot of older closer female friendships and they ALL thought she had been acting irrational. This was the first time she became emotionally involved the whole time I've known her. I have talked to them all throughout this and everyone knew what was happening over time. They all said that there has never been an issue of trust with me with the men in their life. One dear friend's SO teased her once saying "you're lucky I didn't go for EZ when I met you guys." Her response "you would never have a chance with EZ". Matter of fact one of my closest long time male friends started dating this chicken head who was jealous of our relationship bc he was one of my biggest music critiques and we would read each other's poetry. I was always nice and accommodating of said chicken head and invited THEM to come over. She gets jealous (they had been messing around for a month) and refused to come over.

I seem to attract a lot of people bc of my personality. I may suffer from deep depressions but I love life. I treat everyone the same way. I didn't drink until the end of college so instead of having keg parties I had dinner parties. I would cook for 100 people on Sundays. My girls would help me get it together and everyone would come through the apt. all afternoon and evening and eat all friends, friends of friends- we even invited people we met off the street! All of our exes have rolled through those dinner parties at some point as friends, SOs, whatever. I am the listening ear to everyone and once I consider you my friend it's unconditional- like you can have my kidney if you needed it. I don't even think I attract people bc of me- I always say it's bc of my spirit meaning what they're attracted to is God.

I SWEAR I TREAT HIM NO DIFFERENTLY THAN ANY OF MY FRIENDS MALE OR FEMALE.

Well? What says the group? Let the stone throwing begin...

OP it's a tough situation and there is no one right answer. You have to watch the signs and weigh the outcomes.

So, did you and Ken get it on or what?

 

[darlingdiva]

I totally agree! I'm sorry, but what is the point of being so called "friends" with someone you were previously intimate with? If the act has happened before, whats to stop you from saying "Ah well, we did it already, so whats one more time?" There's just a little too much familiarity there for my comfort level.

Sometimes its not about the GF being "insecure", its about her man having the COMMON sense to know what is appropriate and what is inappropriate, especially when there is an "energy" present between you two. And if you guys are truly "just friends", you should be able to step back, distance yourself and give their relationship some respect.

Right on!!! The bolded was precisely the issues that I had with my husband being friends with his ex-girlfriend.

 

[darlingdiva]

I agree. I recently reunited with an ex on FB and found out he is now married with a child. I don't even feel right sending him PM due to our past. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me so I can't even bring myself to continue private communication with a GF's/wife's man that I had been intimate with. Just doesn't seem decent...IMO.




You are dead wrong....just being honest.

Liberian Girl, your post about the Facebook situation reminds me of a situation that happened with my husband in 2008. An ex-girlfriend (she lives in the mid-West) of my husband's found him on Facebook. She told my husband that she was going to be visiting New York in a few weeks & she hadn't settled on her accommodations yet. Would you believe that this woman had the nerve to ask my husband if it was okay for her, her husband, and her child to stay with us during her visit?