My BF is Nigerian, and....

[NaturalPath]

Our relationship is a little weird I guess.

We have been dating for 3 years and 4 months and he still has not said anything to his parents (well his dad pretty much knows about me, but not the mother nor his siblings). Our relationship is great though theres no complaints besides this issue and I can see us being together and hopefully married in the future.

I have a question

1. What is the typical custom of a Nigerian man when it comes to dating/marriage? My BF told me that when a man brings a woman to meet the parents that pretty much signifies that he will marry her.

2. What would you do? I have told him on several occasions that this bothers me and he told me when he graduates from college(undergrad) then he will talk to his parents...but I dont know if I believe it.

Here is some more info: I am ~23 just graduated from college, he is 21 and will graduate this year (December). He also told me his mother demands that he marries a Doctor (I hope holistic doctor counts lol) . His mother also told him not to date American girls because they will trap you

 

[LIKI51]

First, congrats on your studies to become a doctor!

I can testify that you need to really ask driving questions. Their culture is not our culture. Is he going back to his country after school? If his parents want him to marry another Nigerian will he? You do realize that if you are American and his mother already made comments about Americans then you are starting in the negative if you start at all.

Pray, pray, pray. The signs are there. Why is he waiting? Is he not allowed to date? How would they view you? Don't ask all at once. Drop a question here and there. If you "FEEL" like you are being lied to then you probably are...

 

[loolalooh]

The custom varies from tribe to tribe and on how traditional he and/or his parents are. Do you know what tribe he is? How long has he been in the US? I personally think at this point you should have met both parents.

 

[southerncitygirl]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but in general african men think that we are only good enough to screw and date, its rare that they marry us. i steer clear of african and carribean men but i digress as i could start a whole nother thread on the reasons why. its rare to see a couple together that is af am/ african, let alone africans dating from two different tribes/countries.

Does he have money? why would his mother say american girls would trap him. hell if he is not us citizens i would think the opposite, personally.

there seem to be some cultural differences that are driving a wedge between you two.i think if you have been in a relationship this long and he doesn't want to bring you around his family, then i feel like he's just not that into you. a man who really cares would not be so concerned about what others think and would not allow anyone to disrespect you. he needs to get a darn backbone! you also are too young to be thinking about marriage, enjoy life a little more, finish school, treat yourself to travel and otehr luxuries before you jump the broom.

 

[GoingBack]

You are in for a world of trouble. If his folks don't know about you after 3 years of dating, he has no intention of ever letting them know about you. Why? Because he will probably cave to the family pressure and marry within his own culture.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

 

[Almaz]

The signs are there.

But on the other hand I have seen lot of successful African and American marriages. but all of these people did have some obstacles to overcome on both sides.

But something does not sound right here

 

[lux10023]

hmmmmmmmmmmm...no me gusta---smh---i dont like the reasons he's giving... 3 yrs---

then again he is a baby hes only 21...wow

 

[*5+5]

I have a bestie in the same exact situation and her bf is Nigerian also. Neither of his parents knows of her only the siblings that are still here in America.

For Christmas he went to Lagos without her for 2weeks and she was really sad about it. Same situation tho'; great guy, been dating 2yrs she's ready for the proposal but ummm the family feels strongly about him marrying an African.

Sad thing is, they'll prolly grow to love you but in their hearts still wished he would’ve married an African woman. I'll say if/when you do get to meet them, make it obvious that you are supportive and accepting of his culture and wouldn't attempt to Americanize him. West Africans have very staunch views about marrying within.

 

[Rastafarai]

Our relationship is a little weird I guess.

We have been dating for 3 years and 4 months and he still has not said anything to his parents (well his dad pretty much knows about me, but not the mother nor his siblings). Our relationship is great though theres no complaints besides this issue and I can see us being together and hopefully married in the future.

I have a question

1. What is the typical custom of a Nigerian man when it comes to dating/marriage? My BF told me that when a man brings a woman to meet the parents that pretty much signifies that he will marry her.

2. What would you do? I have told him on several occasions that this bothers me and he told me when he graduates from college(undergrad) then he will talk to his parents...but I dont know if I believe it.

Here is some more info: I am ~23 just graduated from college, he is 21 and will graduate this year (December). He also told me his mother demands that he marries a Doctor (I hope holistic doctor counts lol) . His mother also told him not to date American girls because they will trap you

You say you can see "us being together and hopefully married" but do you think he can say the same?

Even though he stated introducing a woman to his parents indicate intent to marry, what has he done to show you that he intends on marrying you? Has he arranged for you to meet his parents? He has only stated he will TALK to his parents. This does not sound like a man who is serious about you.

Also, a major concern is his mother's influece in his life. It appears he values her opinion on his life choices. Can he think on his own two feet without having her make decisions for his life?

I think these major red flags are enough reason to RUN for this situation.

 

[chicitygirl]

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer, but I've seen this exact situation play out with 3 different Af-Am women that I know. Two of them were dumped by the African guy as soon as he became serious about settling down and finding a wife. Despite dating for several years, the African man left them and married someone his parents recommended less than a year later. The third girl got knocked up by the guy, who then waited until she was 6 months pregnant and decided to deny he was the father and hightailed it back to Nigeria to become a dentist. She's been a single parent and she can't even find him now. All three women dated these men for over 2 years but they were never introduced to the family because of the supposed cultural differences and family expectations. Not saying this will happen to you, but just keep your eyes and options open.

 

[Honey Bee]

Our relationship is a little weird I guess.

We have been dating for 3 years and 4 months and he still has not said anything to his parents (well his dad pretty much knows about me, but not the mother nor his siblings). Our relationship is great though theres no complaints besides this issue and I can see us being together and hopefully married in the future.

I have a question

1. What is the typical custom of a Nigerian man when it comes to dating/marriage? My BF told me that when a man brings a woman to meet the parents that pretty much signifies that he will marry her.

2. What would you do? I have told him on several occasions that this bothers me and he told me when he graduates from college(undergrad) then he will talk to his parents...but I dont know if I believe it.

Here is some more info: I am ~23 just graduated from college, he is 21 and will graduate this year (December). He also told me his mother demands that he marries a Doctor (I hope holistic doctor counts lol) . His mother also told him not to date American girls because they will trap you

The 1st bolded caught my attention, and not in a good way. It's always been my experience that men talk to their fathers about conquests, and to their mothers about prospective wives/serious gf's.

@ 2nd bolded: What are your reasons for not believing him? (aside from apparent anti-American bias)

Oh, and did his mother's rule about American girls apply to white girls too? (just curious)

 

[NaturalPath]

The custom varies from tribe to tribe and on how traditional he and/or his parents are. Do you know what tribe he is? How long has he been in the US? I personally think at this point you should have met both parents.

He is of the igbo tribe and was born in Atlanta so hes pretty much as he calls it "Americanized"

 

[NaturalPath]

Wow I am still new here so I do not know how to multiquote.

Rastafarai: He has said plently of times that he sees me as being the "one" and that in the future he would like me as his wife. He said that hopefully during grad school he will consider "popping the question"

Honeybee: My reasons for not believing him is because he said he would tell (mom) when he turns 21. In a way I think he is kind of scared of him. I am not really sure about the customs, but from what I have heard from phone calls (speaker phone) is that she is kinda dominant.

southerncitygirl: Lol no he has no money. hes not like a African prince or anything. I think his mother may watch too many tv shows that depict American women in this light.

Amarachi: I do fear that he may cave in and marry a girl that his mom may choose for him.

 

[MiamiHottie]

He maybe just wants to finish school. He is still young, but the fact that his mother thinks that way and he has not brought you home means he is not marrying you anytime soon. So you can wait or keep it moving but I would keep it moving because thats too much time to waste. You guys can meet up at another time in life.

 

[Vanity1]

Our relationship is a little weird I guess.

We have been dating for 3 years and 4 months and he still has not said anything to his parents (well his dad pretty much knows about me, but not the mother nor his siblings). Our relationship is great though theres no complaints besides this issue and I can see us being together and hopefully married in the future.

I have a question

1. What is the typical custom of a Nigerian man when it comes to dating/marriage? My BF told me that when a man brings a woman to meet the parents that pretty much signifies that he will marry her.

2. What would you do? I have told him on several occasions that this bothers me and he told me when he graduates from college(undergrad) then he will talk to his parents...but I dont know if I believe it.

Here is some more info: I am ~23 just graduated from college, he is 21 and will graduate this year (December). He also told me his mother demands that he marries a Doctor (I hope holistic doctor counts lol) . His mother also told him not to date American girls because they will trap you

Well, I married an American born and raised Igbo. I met his family immediately, in the first weeks of us beginning our friendship. Things built from there though.

Your story sounds a bit, odd I suppose? My being exposed to this culture, I have to agree with other posters, they are often very stern on wanting their children to marry within their culture or something acceptable to them, whatever that may be. However, the American born generations are not at all like the actual Nigerian born ones. There is a much more flexibility with them, so I do not understand how you have been seeing him 3 years and have not met his parents?

It is def. hard dealing with the cultural differences, so from the info you have already shared, even if he DID intend on you meeting his mother, I do not see how it would be any easier for you.

My DH's parents were quite accepting of me, although I am sure behind closed doors, they wished their son had married an African women. In my shoes, it has been hard dealing with alot of things, and I do not have it half as bad as some people, so I do not see any point in being in a situation where the person you are with is not making it any easier, if that makes sense. I would not have endured the relationship with my husband if I didn't get a payoff somewhere, and mutual respect at the least.

Your bf sounds pretty young and as though he is doing his own thing, I don't tie this to him being African at all.....

 

[Honey Bee]

Well, based on what you said, it's possible that he's not being sketchy/elusive. He (and you too) are still kinda young, so maybe it's too much, too soon?

 

[Vanity1]

Wow I am still new here so I do not know how to multiquote.

Rastafarai: He has said plently of times that he sees me as being the "one" and that in the future he would like me as his wife. He said that hopefully during grad school he will consider "popping the question"

Honeybee: My reasons for not believing him is because he said he would tell (mom) when he turns 21. In a way I think he is kind of scared of him. I am not really sure about the customs, but from what I have heard from phone calls (speaker phone) is that she is kinda dominant.

southerncitygirl: Lol no he has no money. hes not like a African prince or anything. I think his mother may watch too many tv shows that depict American women in this light.

Amarachi: I do fear that he may cave in and marry a girl that his mom may choose for him.

I want to add to your response in the bolded, if this is the case, look at it as a favor to you honey. You are young, and I am sure beautiful and educated. Life will move on if he is not the one.

 

[gabulldawg]

Doesn't sound good IMO. If he hasn't introduced you to all of his family by now
(THREE years?!?!?!?) I find it hard to believe that he will in the future. AND what do you mean when you say his dad "pretty much" knows about you? erplexed That doesn't sound right. It's also not a good sign that his parents are in his ear encouraging him to marry an African. Just so many red flags...

If I were in your shoes (and I have been) I would probably give him an ultimatum, but be ready to walk if you don't get your way. Otherwise you won't be taken seriously and will be strung along for however many more years until he's done with you. Three years is a long time to waste with someone who won't give you a ring. Like I said, I've been there, and it hurts, but if he's not the one for you you've GOT to move on to find the right one. Don't let him waste anymore of your time!!

Finally, It took me a while to learn that a man who really loves you and cares for you will do anything in his power to make you happy (that he can afford ). If he knows that you want to meet his family and be married he should have done that by now!!! Ultimately, IMO, that is the #1 sign that things may not work out in your favor.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

 

[NaturalPath]

Well, based on what you said, it's possible that he's not being sketchy/elusive. He (and you too) are still kinda young, so maybe it's too much, too soon?

I think you may be right with us being young and all. Its funny how alot of people consider 23 as young. What is the appropriate age for someone to begin settling down?

Not only have we been together for 3 years but I have known him sense highschool and decided to date while we were in college.

Alot of you all have said some really interesting things. Am I being naive? I hope not. I really think it has something to do with our age and customs.

Only time will tell, and I will have to make a decision soon...

 

[loolalooh]

He is of the igbo tribe and was born in Atlanta so hes pretty much as he calls it "Americanized"

Alright. This helps a bit ...

1) I'm an "Americanized" Nigerian too and I can tell you that if his parents have been here this long (~20 years or more) that they've been Westernized some. I can tell you that if he truly wants to marry you, then his parents are likely to come around or ... just deal with it. It's easier for men to marry outside of the culture than it is for women ... at least from what I've experienced.

2) The fact that his mom says what she says doesn't mean it goes. She can be swayed ... or he can go against her wishes if he truly wants you. My parents wanted my siblings and I to marry Nigerians - preferably those from our tribe. My dad was very vocal about it .. but he's learned to put that aside. When he saw how happy my sister was with her boyfriend (black American), he let it go. My sister got married last year and my parents accept her husband as part of the family.

3) Nigerian or not. I would keep my guard up with this guy. 3 years is too long (IMO) to not have mentioned let alone introduced you to his family. If anything, Igbos (and most Nigerians really) tend to move faster than Americans. At year one or two, he would've proposed. But since he's 21, I'll cut him a little slack. Still ... at least introduce you to the family.

In short, if he truly wants to marry you, he can make it happen. The question isn't so much about what his parents think ... it's about whether HE wants to marry an American.

 

[Vanity1]

I think you may be right with us being young and all. Its funny how alot of people consider 23 as young. What is the appropriate age for someone to begin settling down?

Not only have we been together for 3 years but I have known him sense highschool and decided to date while we were in college.

Alot of you all have said some really interesting things. Am I being naive? I hope not. I really think it has something to do with our age and customs.

Only time will tell, and I will have to make a decision soon...

You will look back on it and see how young it is...and you will definitely see how young he is as well.

 

[NaturalPath]

Doesn't sound good IMO. If he hasn't introduced you to all of his family by now
(THREE years?!?!?!?) I find it hard to believe that he will in the future. AND what do you mean when you say his dad "pretty much" knows about you? erplexed That doesn't sound right. It's also not a good sign that his parents are in his ear encouraging him to marry an African. Just so many red flags...

If I were in your shoes (and I have been) I would probably give him an ultimatum, but be ready to walk if you don't get your way. Otherwise you won't be taken seriously and will be strung along for however many more years until he's done with you. Three years is a long time to waste with someone who won't give you a ring. Like I said, I've been there, and it hurts, but if he's not the one for you you've GOT to move on to find the right one. Don't let him waste anymore of your time!!

Finally, It took me a while to learn that a man who really loves you and cares for you will do anything in his power to make you happy (that he can afford ). If he knows that you want to meet his family and be married he should have done that by now!!! Ultimately, IMO, that is the #1 sign that things may not work out in your favor.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

I agree, I will probably give him the ultimatum when I hopefully move to Illinois to begin school for 4-5 years. I am just scared of heartbreak as this is my first relationship and I have never experienced the whole "breaking up process"


His dad knows were dating and often will ask him how I am doing, what plans I have and such.

 

[BrownEyez22]

I agree, I will probably give him the ultimatum when I hopefully move to Illinois to begin school for 4-5 years. I am just scared of heartbreak as this is my first relationship and I have never experienced the whole "breaking up process"


His dad knows were dating and often will ask him how I am doing, what plans I have and such.

Hey OP, I don't think the bolded is a good idea. Those ultimatum's usually backfire.

 

[julzinha]

My family is african and the part about meeting the family is very true. If this man brings you to meet his parents he WILL marry you. So ask continually to meet his parents and if he constantly refuses he will NOT marry you. Not all african men won't marry an american woman, but it is rare and the biggest thing to know if he is serious is if he asks you to meet his parents. And the test is to push this issue. Many african parents don't encourage their children to date young (young as in until you have a very stable life and job) so meeting his parents while he is still in college is a bad thing because they look at boyfriends/girlfriends as distractions, but if he genuinely cares he will say meet my parents which means taking all the positive or negative things they say. Meeting the parents is extremely SERIOUS!!

 

[Uber]

In a rush, but Nigerian guys show you to their parents when they like you....at least their mum. If they keep you away from them it's not a good sign.....Sorry Girl!

 

[NaturalPath]

My family is african and the part about meeting the family is very true. If this man brings you to meet his parents he WILL marry you. So ask continually to meet his parents and if he constantly refuses he will NOT marry you. Not all african men won't marry an american woman, but it is rare and the biggest thing to know if he is serious is if he asks you to meet his parents. And the test is to push this issue. Many african parents don't encourage their children to date young (young as in until you have a very stable life and job) so meeting his parents while he is still in college is a bad thing because they look at boyfriends/girlfriends as distractions, but if he genuinely cares he will say meet my parents which means taking all the positive or negative things they say. Meeting the parents is extremely SERIOUS!!

Thank you for giving me this perspective. I dont want you all to think he doesnt love me cause I honestly believe he does. This at least gives me some hope.

 

[Natasha009]

IMO, I agree that 3 years is a loooong time to not even have his mom and siblings KNOW about you, let alone have met you. It all just sounds highly suspicious - I don't exactly see how it will go when he does introduce you - "hi mom, this is my future wife, who I've been dating for over 3 years and have kept secret." If he doesn't want to dissapoint his mom by even telling her he's dating someone, I really don't see him ever planning to tell her he's been lying to her for years.

A man knows if he is going to marry you or not, there's no "maybe I'll consider it in grad school." I think your not the person he see's himself with in the future, as he's made no real commitment or definite guaranty that you'll be IN his future.

If his Dad knows, there's probably a good chance his mom already knows a little bit about you too .He could be using his mom as a way of expressing how HE really feels - I mean, you've never met the lady so you only have his word to go on. It just seems if he really wanted to marry you or at least could see it happening one day, he would have already introduced you to his mom - if her opinion means so much wouldn't he have wanted it right away, or at least have started the process of trying to endear you to his mother?

 

[MissJ]

Search for some of my old posts.

 

[VelvetRain]

I can relate a bit as my ex is African and is from the Ivory Coast but grew up in Paris, France. We dated a total of 3 years and I never met his parents at all. Reason being they are still over in Paris and really don't like visiting the United States so he says. I used to ask him all the time if his parents knew about me and he would glaze over the subject as if I never asked him. I know his sister knew about me because he was honest and told me so. Apparently she was always asking him if he was dating someone over in the U.S. I guess he was really close with his sister because at times he was telling her private stuff about our relationship which I thought was odd. I even asked him again last year if his mom and dad even knew I existed because he never once offered for us to go over there and visit them. He met most of my family but I have never met any of them. It's almost as if he wanted to keep me a secret.

In my own mind I used to joke that I would be meeting his folks and family for the first time at our wedding. I can only say looking at my own situation or past situation something is wrong. I knew it but could never pinpoint it as to what it was.

 

[mychai]

I'm not convinced that he doesn't really like you. He may love you very much. I am also not convinced that his actions are secretly mean-spirited. However, he is only 21 (and still a boy in many ways esp. if he was raised in the US) and at this stage of his life family opinion means a lot to him. I think he probably cares a great deal for you, but I think he probably will not marry you. Also, I don't agree that his mom will come around and like you if she is currently anti-American. He is young, hie has options and, if she is still raising children, she is not yet yearning for grandchildren. If he were older, say 31, I would say she would come around. But at 21, no. So if you were to marry him, expect relations with your in-laws to be sticky. Do you know what part of Igbo he is from?