My BF is Nigerian, and....

[RossBoss]

Here is some more info: I am ~23 just graduated from college, he is 21 and will graduate this year (December). He also told me his mother demands that he marries a Doctor (I hope holistic doctor counts lol) . His mother also told him not to date American girls because they will trap you

Wait a minute. Are the parents living here in America?

 

[RossBoss]

While I never want to seem prejudiced against any group of people, this is one reason why I usually stay FAR away from Indian men.

Oh they pursue me heavily, but I notice that at least with the ones I meet, they want to take me to a party or a club... rarely a nice sit-down date. Or they'd call me last minute to meet up -- again, at a club or a bar.

I'm thinking, "Yeah, you wouldn't be this callous with Praveen or Shivni."

Because I never really get the serious approach from them, I leave them alone for the most part.

Good for you. Black Americans take too much disrespect on their own land from "others". I can't believe this thread.

 

[RossBoss]

green card arrangement

But the good thing is that she's well aware that it is but she believes that when he finally gets it, he will still stay with her cos he's at the moment nice and romantic

we'll see cos "Akure-Anambra" doesnt exist.

If she is marrying him to give that loser a green card, then she deserves everything she gets. Sorry.erplexed

 

[arosieworld]

I know of a few Af/Am marriages but I have never meet one where they married and the man was so young.... Going through the rolodex of people I know in my head and the only ones that married that young married within their culture... The women I know were young but the men where not... I don't know if that is a trend or just the people I have met...

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

I don't understand how people are letting the fact that the guy is African cloud their judgment.

Let's get something straight there are plenty of men around the world who have dated females for a long time and won't wife them.

There are plenty of guys who will not introduce you to their parents

there are plenty of guys who is not ready to get married at such a young age

There are AA mothers who do not want their sons to marry darkskin/lightskin females, chicken heads, non college educated, etc

This to say culture is really not that different.

However no Nigerian or african guy will be married at such a young age. His family is more interested in him making a name for himself then meeting some girl. He knows that he does not need to get married until his schooling and job situation is on point. The ones that are about something will definite make it their priority. Marriage will come after 25yrs of age, and they are not sweating it.

So all this to say that dating you since he was 18 is no big deal for him. It's not in his priority to get married it's yours. You might have choosen the wrong guy, not the wrong culture or nationality.

And some people's prejudice is showing big time and will continue to show. I understand being pro AA but understand that your culture came from those that you look down upon, at the end of the day we are all grouped together. Either get with the program and see how it can benefit the entire community as a whole when we unite or continue being the idiot that wants to divide.

 

[wednesday]

I'm African (Ghanaian) and i am so glad my mother always emphasized marry for love regardless of culture (however she has mentioned not dealing with nigerian men!lol..but they are the hottest!). Mixed culture relationships can be difficult sometimes depending on how extreme the differences are. My bf is Af Am. It took me 3 years to tell me parents about him i still haven't really told my dad about him. I do feel like, in my culture, i need to be sure that he is the man i'm going to marry. It doesn't help that my family live in the UK and we're over here in Cali. My mum met him a few years back when she came to visit. I don't think he will meet my dad until he goes the the UK to meet the whole fam. And that will probably be if he wants to ask for my hand in marriage. There are so many different customs and traditions depending on country and region. Both my brothers married "others" i think my sister is the only one marrying an African (Ghanaian). I've been to SO many mix culture weddings, my sisters wedding this year is gonna be a GHANAFEST!

 

[NaturalPath]

Wow lol you ladies dont forget anything do you

Any updates on this? Its been a year...how are things?

I cant believe its been a full year since I posted this. We are still together and have talked about a lot of things. I have only been home once since starting school so I have not had the chance to make arrangements to meet the dad (the mother still does not want any contact/communication with me). The dad is open to meeting me though.

I did meet the oldest sister who reiterated that meeting the mother right now is not a good idea because of the fact that she strongly values his education and success and wants to make sure he gets his masters/phd without any opportunities for a distractions which includes the possibility of "accidentally" having a child. He has said that he wishes his mother was a lot more open as he believes that once she gets to know me she would "calm down" and like me.

We still do talk about marriage but because the both of us are going to be in school for a long while, it will most likely happen once the both of us are done (if we stay together). I used to be really pressed on asking him about it but now I know that me being married while in school would not be a good idea (I know a lot of people right now who are struggling bc of the toughness of the curriculum and also having to work as a spouse/parent). I do have my concerns about the mother being intolerable of that idea but I would never ever lose the man that I love and my best friend over culture. I am willing to fight for our happiness.

Wait a minute. Are the parents living here in America?

They are living in America


I will admit this thread did scare me (also as a newly posting member I guess I wasnt used to the way things go here). I can rest assure you all that not ALL Nigerian men are the same, and it kinda saddens me that a lot of people avoid them when in fact a lot of our own AA men do not respect AA women.

 

[RossBoss]

They are living in America


I will admit this thread did scare me (also as a newly posting member I guess I wasnt used to the way things go here). I can rest assure you all that not ALL Nigerian men are the same, and it kinda saddens me that a lot of people avoid them when in fact a lot of our own AA men do not respect AA women.

So basically the mother left her country to live around people she can't stand.

Anyways, I think that 21 years old is too young to get married and I understand the mom wanting him to wait and finish his schooling, who could argue with that, I had an issue with the mom thinking you are not good enough for her son because you are an American, the same America she is currently living in.

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

So basically the mother left her country to live around people she can't stand.

Anyways, I think that 21 years old is too young to get married and I understand the mom wanting him to wait and finish his schooling, who could argue with that, I had an issue with the mom thinking you are not good enough for her son because you are an American, the same America she is currently living in.

This has already been discussed but part of the reason why she would want ehr son to marry a Nigerian woman is because he would then pass down the Nigerian culture to his children. what's wrong with wanting that? i mean there was a thread a while back about people wanting their children to marry blacks. even women in interracial relationships said they'd prefer that for their kids as well! haha it makes sense to want to pass down your culture. and yeah Africans do have stereotypes about American just like Americans have stereotypes about Africans. whatever hostility exists between the two groups definitely isn't one-sided

 

[preciouslove0x]

This has already been discussed but part of the reason why she would want ehr son to marry a Nigerian woman is because he would then pass down the Nigerian culture to his children. what's wrong with wanting that? i mean there was a thread a while back about people wanting their children to marry blacks. even women in interracial relationships said they'd prefer that for their kids as well! haha it makes sense to want to pass down your culture. and yeah Africans do have stereotypes about American just like Americans have stereotypes about Africans. whatever hostility exists between the two groups definitely isn't one-sided

i completely agree

 

[French Rouge]

The stereotypes and undertones in this thread from both Americans and Africans is astonishing. On one hand my fellow American girls seem to think Nigerian men are trifling playboys looking for panty conquests until they find their Naija queen. On the other hand the African ladies imply that their families have values and boundaries, while American parents welcome foolishness with open arms and don't value education.

Sad really how we stereotype each other.

 

[RossBoss]

This has already been discussed but part of the reason why she would want ehr son to marry a Nigerian woman is because he would then pass down the Nigerian culture to his children. what's wrong with wanting that? i mean there was a thread a while back about people wanting their children to marry blacks. even women in interracial relationships said they'd prefer that for their kids as well! haha it makes sense to want to pass down your culture. and yeah Africans do have stereotypes about American just like Americans have stereotypes about Africans. whatever hostility exists between the two groups definitely isn't one-sided

Umm, you don't have to marry a Nigerian woman to pass the Nigerian culture down. Since OP wants to marry this woman's son, most likely both Nigerian and Black American customs would be passed down, no? It is obvious from what the OP has told us that the woman is a "holier than thou" *individual* (not the word I would use offline but out of respect for the OP...) who looks down on the people who SHE CHOSE to live around. OP even said the mother does NOT want to speak to her so what the heck does that tell ya? What would happen if I voluntarily moved to Nigeria but held the belief that Nigerian women were not *suitable* for the son I birthed on Nigerian soil? I would be accused of being the same type of woman that this woman is and rightfully so...

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

Umm, you don't have to marry a Nigerian woman to pass the Nigerian culture down. Since OP wants to marry this woman's son, most likely both Nigerian and Black American customs would be passed down, no? It is obvious from what the OP has told us that the woman is a "holier than thou" *individual* (not the word I would use offline but out of respect for the OP...) who looks down on the people who SHE CHOSE to live around. OP even said the mother does NOT want to speak to her so what the heck does that tell ya? What would happen if I voluntarily moved to Nigeria but held the belief that Nigerian women were not *suitable* for the son I birthed on Nigerian soil? I would be accused of being the same type of woman that this woman is and rightfully so...

it's a lot easier to pass down a culture when both parents were raised in that specific culture. let's not act like this isn't the case. especially since the kids will be raised on American soil, they may not cling to the Nigerian culture the way the bf's mother wants them to. i'm 1st generation American and even I feel the need to pass down my parent's culture so I can only imagine how the Nigerian mother feels. i don't think she should be against the OP's relationship or be disrespectful but I understand her request. sometimes I even think about how I want my husband's family and my family to be somewhat close but it would be much easier if they had some sort of commonality with each other and culture is one way to find that. i'm sure his mother has thought of that too. does she have a holier-than-thou attitude? yeah because she said the OP would just take his money (or something like that) but many African-Americans have a holier-than-thou attitude towards Africans too. the disrespect and holier-than-thou attitude comes from both sides. even in this thread, a few women said they'd never be with an African or Caribbean (my culture) man as if they are ALL the same yet you co-signed real quick and then you want to be mad that people have stereotypes about you. come on!

 

[RossBoss]

it's a lot easier to pass down a culture when both parents were raised in that specific culture. let's not act like this isn't the case. especially since the kids will be raised on American soil, they may not cling to the Nigerian culture the way the bf's mother wants them to. i'm 1st generation American and even I feel the need to pass down my parent's culture so I can only imagine how the Nigerian mother feels. i don't think she should be against the OP's relationship or be disrespectful but I understand her request. sometimes I even think about how I want my husband's family and my family to be somewhat close but it would be much easier if they had some sort of commonality with each other and culture is one way to find that. i'm sure his mother has thought of that too. does she have a holier-than-thou attitude? yeah because she said the OP would just take his money (or something like that) but many African-Americans have a holier-than-thou attitude towards Africans too. the disrespect and holier-than-thou attitude comes from both sides. even in this thread, a few women said they'd never be with an African or Caribbean (my culture) man as if they are ALL the same yet you co-signed real quick and then you want to be mad that people have stereotypes about you. come on!

OP said the the son was born in America, so if she was so concerned about preserving her Nigerian culture then she should have stayed in Nigeria. If you up and move to another country and start birthing babies there then common sense dictates that there is a chance that the kid will blend in with the new culture, if you don't like that or if you feel that the new country's culture is *inferior* to your own, then maybe you should not be in that country, you can't have it both ways.

Furthermore, the mother clearly hates the OP simply because she is from America, the same country the mother willing chose to immigrate to no less. If the OP were my relative, that woman wouldn't get far with that attitude dealing with my family.

I had to go back and see exactly what posts I thanked since I don't really pay attention to who or what posts others thank nor think about what I thanked after I did it (I mean really), and you can clearly see that those posts contained other comments beside the women saying that they don't mess with foreign men and those are things that I agreed with.

 

[Thiends]

OP said the the son was born in America, so if she was so concerned about preserving her Nigerian culture then she should have stayed in Nigeria.

I find this ridiculous. They didn't move to America to marry Americans. They moved to America for a financially better life. It might be insulting to Americans that non-Americans don't want to marry Americans, but honestly, they came here for the cash money, not for American people. For many immigrants, dealing with Americans is a necessary evil, not a desirable state of being.

 

[Kagrra01]

The signs might be there as people are saying but trust me, I am Nigerian-American born and if I were dating someone who is not Nigerian or from my parent's village they would not even know about him even after three years. Why? Because they will pick and pick and create drama and strife, constantly saying that the relationship will not work, cursing your relationship and you and your S.O under God, and telling you to break if off as if their word is law and acting surprised/shocked/disappointed when you are still continuing the relationship and in fact plan to marry this person when they ask you to marry them....and worse off to them they are not even Black American but White. I know all this because this is what is currently happening to my younger sister right now, and she is eager to move out.

I thank God that my sister is so close to her boyfriends parents and family, I can easily see her and her S.O married in the future happy with his family, my parents not so much.

So the fact that he hasn't introduced you to his parents officially yet , I am not surprised about. He may not want to deal with all that drama and is probably waiting until he feels no longer financially dependent on his parents.

Oh I never asked but was he born in America?

 

[Honey Bee]

OP, I really hope things work out for you and him. I just like people in love, so that always gets my vote.

Re: all the other mess in this thread. I can't get over how the very same people who want folks to tip-toe around the dating habits of African men in the US are the very same people who, in the same damn post, will crap all over AA's and our culture. And then expect us to cosign! It's especially funny to me when an AA has the nerve to disagree and people get all offended, like they didn't just do the same thing. And then I'm supposed to feel bad about it cuz y'all are, like, our cultural grand-fathers? Please, y'all don't barely claim us no-how.

Am I "allowed" to question why threads about how 'AA men ain't ish' continue to flourish, while a comment or two in this thread becomes the basis for a big, group ""? Some of us need to question why, exactly, are African men off-limits on a board where we discuss bowel movements and how often we change our underwear? There's something rotten in the state of Denmark, alright, and it ain't them draw's.

 

[Ganjababy]

This discussion is interesting.....................

 

[alishadawnelle]

I dated a Nigerian for a year and that relationship was full of drama and lies. I can't speak for the entire culture and there are a lot of stereotypes but I can tell you I had a similar problem.
The man I was dating only told his brother about me and never introduced me to any of his friends. As the relationship progressed I discovered there were other girls and he was very open about dating them (thank you facebook). All this while I was thinking everything was great

He lied to me about lots of things and his reason for us not seeing his family and about the other girls... More lies. After almost a year i had to cut him off. Lesson learned

 

[Aviah]

My SO is Nigerian, and he took me to meet his mom in the first few months. She used to be the type that wanted a Nigerian Daughter-in-law, but got over it (before I came along). The difference in our situations is that he was 25, done with school and still has a stable job. I am also American, and once she opened her mind to having a DIL that wasn't Nigerian, it didn't seem to matter where she was from.

There are few cultural difficulties, but the culture issue IS there for your situation, but doesn't stand alone.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I'm a halfrican. My father is Cameroonian and my mother is American. His family readily admits that they had issues with him marrying my mother. Part of it was negative stereotypes that they held about Black Americans. The other part was the loss of my father's culture. The first concern was really based in ignorance. They've since grown to love my mother and her family, but I definitely think it's because my mom has embraced their culture and she's very educated. The second concern was definitely valid and turned out to be true.
It's difficult to raise a child in your culture when they live an ocean away and one parent doesn't share in that culture. Some things are just lost. For example, I love to eat fufu and eru, but I can't cook it. I can understand Pidgin but I can't speak it. I don't speak or understand Biangi at all. I was just in Cameroon over the holidays and my cousins, aunts, and uncles were all stressing me about marrying a Cameroonian. One cousin even said that the culture would be too far removed from my children if I were to marry another American. Heck, it's something I worry about too. I want my kids to be proud, flag-waving Cameroonians and it's just not the same when the culture only comes from grandpa.

As for the OP, I doubt that he would be introducing any woman to his parents right now regardless of her culture. He just might not be ready to even think about the relationship in the way that you are right now. Can't really say if it's indicative of anything.

 

[Urban]

The stereotypes and undertones in this thread from both Americans and Africans is astonishing. On one hand my fellow American girls seem to think Nigerian men are trifling playboys looking for panty conquests until they find their Naija queen. On the other hand the African ladies imply that their families have values and boundaries, while American parents welcome foolishness with open arms and don't value education.

Sad really how we stereotype each other.

I never got that vibe at all. And my post in this thread never implied that American parents welcome foolishness. What my post and all the posts from African sisters that I read, said that African parents perceive girlfriends as distractions during school. Whether the girlfriend is AA or Nigerian. That's just how they perceive it. It's got nothing to do with whether American parents value education.

Can you quote where anyone has said that American parents welcome foolishness and don't value education?

 

[jerseygurl]

I'm Nigerian and I have seen both sides of the coin where the mom does not want a non-Nigerian DIL and another where mom welcomes her with opens arms. OP I hope his mom welcomes you with open arms and sees what a catch you are. Your situation is actually very common in my neck of the woods and I'm happy to say that the couple always wins out. Although there are some exceptions .

I agree with the posters who said that the issue may not be OP per say but the fact that they are both young and still in school. Nigerians usually have great hopes for their children and do not want anything or anyone distracting them from their studies. I strongly believe that mom may relent when she sees how serious he is about OP. I've seen it happen a number of times.

Try and visit with his father, get to know the rest of the family and don't alienate anyone. But if he makes up excuses about you not being able to meet other relatives then I dunno...

 

[Bnster]

Ah I think the mother knows he has a girl but this girl will not be the one because he didn't introduce the girl to her. So she has nothing to say whether he is sowing his oats with a non-African.

What is it to meet the parents after a year mark. Mom, Dad this is the girl I am seeing. You both at this point are not talking marriage, which it should be. No disrespecting the you or the parents in not meeting you. 3 years is too long and I think it is him. Too young and not a man yet to run his life.

 

[ojthomas]

southerncitygirl, that is not true! In Defense of all the true genuine Nigerian Men!

My daddy is straight up Nigerian and married his African American college sweetheart (my beautiful mama) they have been married for 30+ years!

Sorry Jumping off the topic:

My Mama embraced the Nigerian culture, She embraced it so much that she lived in Nigeria for 14+ years! she makes foufou, okra soup, jallof rice, bitter leaf soup, etc. She even wears wrapars, geles and all. For my brother's wedding (by the way he married a white American and they embraced her) my parents had a big Nigerian party, she even fried goat meat outside, in the big steel pot on some firewood right in her yard, they live in Illinois.

Yes my daddy got the stank face back home because she was not from the Igbo tribe, but he was in LOVE. They were very suprised, that she was actually Nigerianized!

Her favorite song is "Sweet Mother" she boogies to that song

 

[ojthomas]

Igbo girl shouting out here! I agree with the other ladies, Nigerians are all about education, education, education. You don't think about anything e.g. dating, fornicating, etc, until you graduate! Bringing you in the mix of his family might create added stress to him. Like others posted you don't want to climb over boundaries with his family. Nigerians have expectations for their children. Some Nigerians do prefer that their children marry within their own tribe. Marriage is a big deal also within the Nigerian tribe like others have stated you don't bring the gal around unless your seriously going to marry her in the near future.

I'm just glad my parents are understanding, I married an African Americcan and my mom and dad love him.

Don't rush it. In due time you will shine! He will have to face his parents about you, but now is not the time

 

[EmeRaldPrinXess]

So true! I had to deal with the bolded below last year eventhough my then boyfriend and I were both Nigerian. Most Nigerian parents just don't want their kids to dat period! untill they're ready to get married which is just silly IMHO

The signs might be there as people are saying but trust me, I am Nigerian-American born and if I were dating someone who is not Nigerian or from my parent's village they would not even know about him even after three years. Why? Because they will pick and pick and create drama and strife, constantly saying that the relationship will not work, cursing your relationship and you and your S.O under God, and telling you to break if off as if their word is law and acting surprised/shocked/disappointed when you are still continuing the relationship and in fact plan to marry this person when they ask you to marry them....and worse off to them they are not even Black American but White. I know all this because this is what is currently happening to my younger sister right now, and she is eager to move out.

I thank God that my sister is so close to her boyfriends parents and family, I can easily see her and her S.O married in the future happy with his family, my parents not so much.

So the fact that he hasn't introduced you to his parents officially yet , I am not surprised about. He may not want to deal with all that drama and is probably waiting until he feels no longer financially dependent on his parents.

Oh I never asked but was he born in America?

 

[lollyoo]

co signing the above. That's exactly what it's all about. I'm Yuroba and I've always thought as far as Yuroba and Igbo tribes go, they don't really have an issue with interracial (or whatever you want to call it in your case) marriages.

But yeh if he's got studies going on, his mama don't want to know about no girl. The day he graduates (and I mean the day), the first thing his parents gonna ask him is "when you getting married Son?" Then he might introduce you. To be honest, for a Nigerian Guy to be with one lady for 3 years is serious business.


No need to rock the boat!!!

Just what she said, I am yoruba as well. I can tell you all my younger brothers in their 20s are not bringing any girlfriend home for introduction, you bring one when you are ready to get married.