mischka about town.

I wish I could hang around to see any responses, but I gotta get out of here... my stomach is in fcking knots. I'm not sure what I can do to ease the way I feel right now, but I think maybe I feel a little better just admitting these feelings...

you know, since I don't have anything else to do today... I'm not going anywhere or anything :sad: I'm not expecting a text or a call today... which... sucks... so... I'll have to deal with this... it sucks, lol.
 
I'm stupid, that's what happened... lol.. I don't want to get into the details.

Ahhh... I am depressed now. I'm disappointed, in myself, and in the universe, but mostly in myself. I don't trust my judgment anymore, and now I'm scared to put myself in any kind of situation with a guy where I'm allowing myself to accept their judgment and not my own. It seems weird that this one experience is getting me so lost, but I guess it's a combination of things. I feel guilty when things like this get me down. I feel bad, and then I feel bad for feeling bad. As much as I hate to admit it at this point I'm really desperate for some sympathy, from ANYONE.

I talked to my best friend for over two hours last night until she had to switch phones and until her phone went dead again. It didn't make me feel better, and I woke up this morning feeling okay for all of 10 minutes before I started having anxiety again. This was all triggered by my disappointment and feeling rejected but the deeper issue is that... I can't make sense of things like this. And I don't feel as though I get to decide my own feelings on the matter. Which is why it's probably masochistic for me to share all these details here, I feel like I want people to criticize me so I can hate myself too. It's a lot easier dealing with feeling bad when you expect to feel bad - feeling bad when you expected to feel good is REALLY HARD because you don't trust yourself anymore. God I hope that makes sense to SOMEONE OUT THERE.

It's really stupid that what I feel would make things better is for me to hide so no one can look at me, and I post here so that an untold number of people can look at me. The fact that I can't articulate what, exactly, my problem is only makes it worse. Wtf do I know at the end of the day, I don't know sht. I really don't know what to do now.
 
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Wow these posts are a complete 180 from what you usually post. Anything I could say would sound cliche, but the feeling is only temporary and as time goes on it wont be as strong. I'm not sure what happened, but you can use it as a learning experience for the future. Sorry your day didn't go well.
 
I don't blame you for not wanting to share details.

So I have no specific advice, but I just want to say EVERYBODY messes up at some point. You may think there's no coming back from it, but there could be.
 
Ok, I been reading your posts for the last hour....I'm sorry that you are upset and as said before, we all make mistakes and we get pass them...BUT!!!! you have got to fill us in, this is like the cliffhanger from a season finale!!!
 
jshug said:
Ok, I been reading your posts for the last hour....I'm sorry that you are upset and as said before, we all make mistakes and we get pass them...BUT!!!! you have got to fill us in, this is like the cliffhanger from a season finale!!!
Click to expand...

I agree!:yep:

OP - I hope you are OK.

I'm just so :spinning: right now....
 
Thanks guys :bighug: I'm sorry to be so vague. I'd like to imagine us all sitting around a coffee table having a big talk about all the stupid, embarrassing details but being so trusting like that is probably what keeps getting my dumb *** in this situation to begin with. I should probably redouble my efforts to be "distant" and "closed off." The irony is I tried not to be because I didn't want to - it seemed like a poor stereotype to subscribe to, and I didn't want to be cold bitter woman. But I've got to find a way to reconcile the two because clearly I am not fit to do anything other than go out for fun because I can't handle even a hint of deeper emotion. I mentioned very early on that I sabotage myself when I meet cool guys that I like. This is a good example of that, lol.

I'm going to have to think this through so that when I emerge again I have a different approach with more protective value.

Thanks for reading :kiss:
 
Many people do stupid things. It is very hard for anyone to give you advice that isn't a catch-all.

Eat a strawberry frosted donut. Those always make me feel better. I wish I could find the recipe.
 
Nothing. He didn't contact me in like a week, so I deleted him.

Sigh - I'm chatting with a guy on okcupid, he seems nice... but I'm scared now to even venture forth again lol... what happens when I meet a guy I like? I can't afford to go through something like this again. But at the same time, I'm sooooo bored and it's so hot out and I really want to go out. But I don't want to rebound if I'm still fragile. I am thinking I need to create my own rules that I must stick to from now on.
 
You guys, help me make some rules to keep things in perspective. This is what I want to do now - I want to keep the dates more formal and distant. I barely even want him to know that I'm interested in him (he can maybe himself to death about whether I like him or not like we women have to do when a man is all vague about his interest). I want to be aloof, prim and proper polite society all the way. No more of this "I'm a regular person, you're a regular person" crap :lol: from here on out it's all stick up the butt stiffness with no real closeness and familiarity coming out until there months down the line. I've already decided I don't think I will sleep with any new partners from here til the foreseeable future (which could include up to marriage; I got a college fling who's still in the picture that I'm thinking of employing should the need arise) so there's really no need for me to overcompensate.

1. No over-drinking. Two carbonated alcoholic drinks max OR one mixed drink max OR one glass of wine.

2. The date is over when the date is over, up to and including made up excuses about needing to go and do something or other.

3. Hand holding is acceptable. Closemouthed kisses are acceptable. Tongue kisses are not, nor is fondling.

4. Avoid night time dates if possible or at least until at least three or four dates in.

5. Always carry cab fare should the need arise for a speedy escape.
 
The numbered rules sound pretty solid. Having these guidelines is a good idea and they may work out great for you, which I hope they do. But if I may be honest, what you said about intentionally remaining aloof resounds as strange with me coming from you (based on your previous posts about yourself and your viewpoint). I can't help but feel like this isn't so much a "hey this is what I've realized I like/what works for me/what I'd like to try and this is how I'm going to approach things" but more of a rebound decision regarding whatever happened that night. (I hope you're feeling better, btw.) You seem very self-aware, so this is just my little 2 cents of concern.
:bighug:

Wishing you all the best. I never dated, so the things you've shared are like a little window for me. Go forth, girlie!
 
Dizz said:
The numbered rules sound pretty solid. Having these guidelines is a good idea and they may work out great for you, which I hope they do. But if I may be honest, what you said about intentionally remaining aloof resounds as strange with me coming from you (based on your previous posts about yourself and your viewpoint). I can't help but feel like this isn't so much a "hey this is what I've realized I like/what works for me/what I'd like to try and this is how I'm going to approach things" but more of a rebound decision regarding whatever happened that night. (I hope you're feeling better, btw.) You seem very self-aware, so this is just my little 2 cents of concern.
:bighug:

Wishing you all the best. I never dated, so the things you've shared are like a little window for me. Go forth, girlie!
Click to expand...

Hey lady! Fancy seeing you here!

It's definitely a direct reaction to the Farrell situation, cuz I don't want it to happen again :sad: I'm really against game playing in dating because for one thing I think I'm fabulous and I'm not interested in faking another personality *hair flipp* but for another, you know, take me as I am and whatnot. But I'm not opposed to change for the sake of progress and if doing something differently gets better results I'm open to at least trying it.

Right now I think it's more important for me to focus on protecting myself from further "narcissistic injury". I'm in recovery right now :lol:
 
I guess it would be good for you to try to be not as open. BUTTTT, if I met a guy that acted as you plan to act, I don't think I would start to like him, ya know?
 
mischka, I think I can relate with what you feel... I think I experienced the same several months back. I completely understand what you said about doubting yourself after you expected to feel good and ended up feeling awful instead. That feeling sent me on a 'man-cation' because in a way, I doubted that I could trust my own instincts... or felt that maybe I'd been too trusting. (sidenote: the person who initiated this tried to rectify the situation months later, and things seemed to be headed the same path as before... granted, I jumped ship before it could head there and my skepticism could have colored the situation, but nevertheless, by then I was more like *** it! and did not let it get to me as it had before).

I think the rules you have set are definitely good. I, too, instituted a 2-drinks max on dates after that experience.
I would also say, given that guys tend to like to test limits, to maybe have a few lines ready for when they attempt to overstep boundaries.

In one example, I am often uncomfortable when guys make comments suggesting they see you in a sexual way early on. Like, on a 1st or 2nd date with a guy, I might be talking about something that I am really passionate about, and once I'm done with my spiel, the guy might say something like: I find it sexy that you're so passionate about this... and I'm responding awkwardly: hmm, oh, thanks. So, for me, I want to find a way to deflect/avoid these kinds of (seemingly harmless) comments that can lead things down an uncomfortable path so early on.

Re: your rule about nighttime dates, I'd say if you're going to have that rule, then prolong it beyond date 4. I have discovered that some guys expect that certain liberties can be had on date 3, and if you're going to avoid that and be clear about it, then pushing beyond date 4 and 5 might be necessary.
 
I had to rush off because my computer was dying... I wanted to say: I hope you feel better! :grouphug:
don't let that incident cause you to hate yourself, as you suggested upthread. I think it's great that you are taking actionable steps to empower and protect yourself on dates. I think that kind of self-reflection is positive, in contrast to: I shouldn't have, I wish I hadn't... etc. Hope you feel better!
 
Thank you, CarLiTa... I found your posts very helpful. I have received a lot of support from you ladies, and i am so appreciative that you guys have understood how I've been impacted... it really helps to hear these types of comments. I am still hurting a bit, but I know if I give myself a little time I can get past this. It does hurt in the meantime and I hate to think of it, but I know it's something I can get over :)... stupid fcking... ugh... lol

Well, tonight ladies, mischka was NOT about town... mischka was on a boat... but unfortunately, nothing interesting happened... James was there, but he's so drunk all the damn time out these outings really I've been giving him too much credit.. lol... he's noticed me, but that's about it tbqh... but it was fun... I forgot my camera but I took pictures on my friends, so if they come out appropriate enough I may post a few... in the meantime... I'm still in recovery over here... lol...
 
The "joys" of dating......... Be encouraged. Don't feel bad, we have all made stupid mistakes. Trust me, you are not alone when it comes self sabotaging.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier
 
Ok gals... it's been awhile but for the most part I have recuperated from the CF situation. I'm not particularly into dating right now, though. Not because I don't want to but because I'm not interested in it going anywhere. I'm content to be alone right now, especially since I have so much other crap I want to/need to focus on right now. However, I do have news...

so I got invited for dinner at Chris's - the guy from the bar night with all the walking. We've hung out a couple times already. At first I probably wasn't going to go, depending on how bored I felt, but I got into a fight with my mom (the abode where I will be resting for the summer until I find a gig) and wanted to get out of the house. Plus I didn't want to be home alone like a loser on the holiday weekend. So I decided to go.

So I get there around six, and I haven't eaten since an omelet for breakfast. I was invited under pretense of a homecooked meal (Chris is Italian) but he had ZERO food. We had a quick drink while watching Intervention ("It's like I'm walking on sunshine!" :lol:) first. Luckily he lives literally right next door to a little Greek cafe, so we went and ate out on the restaurant's patio. After that, we hung out for awhile, watching tv, chatting, having more drinks. He plays in a band so I made him play the bass guitar some (but he was drunk and it sounded like crap). He played me some of his recorded music on itunes, then I switched to live music.

So we're still chilling out and having a good time and at this point his roommate (or sublet) comes home. He'd told me he had a girl roommate but I was curious what she looked like. She looked like... Dolores Umbridge. Her being home kind of ruined the mood, so I was glad when my friend Emily texted me. We've been trying to set up a club date FOREVER, and plus we hadn't hung out since graduation, so when she mentioned getting a drink, I offered to meet her halfway and we'd figure it out then. So we left to meet Emily.

It was a couple blocks' walk. We went to Walgreens for more juice, then the three of us went back to his place. We hung out for awhile, being hilarious, (Emily making a contact for a job in DC), discussing appropriate clubs for someone with day-glo skin who wants to meet a black dude. Chris goes to the bathroom to pee for like the millionth time, and the second he leaves the room, Emily looks at me excitedly with big eyes and mouths, "I like this guy!" I grinned back because it's nice to have approval that you aren't secretly hanging out with a huge loser.

When Emily left at some point in the night Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. In fact, he asked a couple times and a few more as confirmation. I asked what I would have to do, and told him I didn't know how to be anyone's girlfriend. He said he had ****ty self esteem and didn't think someone like me would be interested in dating him. I was like, omg. I'm not entirely sure where we landed on that or if there was ever an actual consensus reached.

Day 2. I picked up lunch around 12, then we slept til bout four. I asked if he wanted to go out and do something today so he called some friends and we left to meet them. On the way we decided to stop for a cold drink but it turned out those two friends were walking right in front of us. Apparently they had been dating for like 3 years and are practically engaged. She was a beautiful biracial chick with a 4a fro and he was a good looking, laid back Indian dude. They made a much more attractive pair than we did, way more ~~~exotical~~~~ too :look: (she also appeared to subscribe to the pheromones school of thought because she had noticeable BO yet strangely it was not offensive :look:)

Anyway, so we stopped for drinks and went back to their place, joined by a fifth roommate. They smoked, I drank, then we started wanting burgers. It was a good time. We went to a nearby restaurant and had a fcking delicious meal (I had corned beef, which was cooked like a patty melt :lick:) after which we decided to part ways because Chris had to work in the morning. We sort of fell asleep early but he eventually went and slept on the couch because I make a bad bed partner, lol.

So, I haven't organized my thoughts on this one yet... but I know Emily wants to go to the club and meet hot guys so...
 
So I'm not a fan of dating guys with low self-esteem. Sounds like you might have to let this one down easy.... :look:

And I have to agree with whoever posted that it sounds like you're in Chicago. In fact.... it sounds like you're in my neighborhood haha
 
Haha. How does it sound like I'm in Chicago? The geographical descriptions are so vague! I'm in Anywheretown, USA :lol:

Here's the thing. I've never been in a real, deliberate relationship. I used to prefer above average attractive, big man on campus type guys who had no intentions of settling down with me. This was back when I dated black men exclusively. It wasn't even necessarily then that I wanted to be in a relationship then either, but most of the time I at least wanted the guy to entertain the idea of being in a relationship, but things never happened that way.

I'm not particularly looking to be someone's girlfriend. I don't know how, and I hardly know what to do with a boyfriend. I like being single, and fundamentally, I like being alone. Frankly, I'm used to the routine and every day life of planning the next encounter and looking for the next guy and exploring at only one level; it's where I'm comfortable and what I know. My only issue with being single is that OTHER PEOPLE interpret it negatively, and their thoughts or opinions are what causes me to think there may be something "wrong" with me if I not only remain single, but am ALWAYS single. It is hard not to wonder how it is that I haven't managed to be in a deliberate relationship yet.

So, I feel in a lot of ways I need a "starter" boyfriend just to see how the damn thing works, because I am way too far behind for my age. I can't deal with a potential boyfriend that is on a higher level than that because I freak out and become incredibly insecure and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I'm so inexperienced with real relationships and I panic. So I feel like I need practice, to familiarize myself with it, and stop being so damn neurotic about it. I haven't given it much more thought beyond that though so who knows what will happen.
 
A "starter boyfriend" where they do that at lol. If you aren't really interested in Chris then I don't think that you should make him your little experiment. That wouldn't be fair to him. I'm not sure how old you are but experimenting days are usually between the ages of 18 to 24 in my opinion, after that its time to have grownup relationships. It clearly seems that you guys have a lot of fun together which is one of the main things to having a nice healthy relationship. Being with someone isn't hard people just make it difficult by being indecisive and dishonest. So if your not into dude like that then pass because I'm sure you wouldn't want to be someone's "starter" girlfriend.
 
mischka said:
Haha. How does it sound like I'm in Chicago? The geographical descriptions are so vague! I'm in Anywheretown, USA :lol:

Here's the thing. I've never been in a real, deliberate relationship. I used to prefer above average attractive, big man on campus type guys who had no intentions of settling down with me. This was back when I dated black men exclusively. It wasn't even necessarily then that I wanted to be in a relationship then either, but most of the time I at least wanted the guy to entertain the idea of being in a relationship, but things never happened that way.

I'm not particularly looking to be someone's girlfriend. I don't know how, and I hardly know what to do with a boyfriend. I like being single, and fundamentally, I like being alone. Frankly, I'm used to the routine and every day life of planning the next encounter and looking for the next guy and exploring at only one level; it's where I'm comfortable and what I know. My only issue with being single is that OTHER PEOPLE interpret it negatively, and their thoughts or opinions are what causes me to think there may be something "wrong" with me if I not only remain single, but am ALWAYS single. It is hard not to wonder how it is that I haven't managed to be in a deliberate relationship yet.

So, I feel in a lot of ways I need a "starter" boyfriend just to see how the damn thing works, because I am way too far behind for my age. I can't deal with a potential boyfriend that is on a higher level than that because I freak out and become incredibly insecure and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I'm so inexperienced with real relationships and I panic. So I feel like I need practice, to familiarize myself with it, and stop being so damn neurotic about it. I haven't given it much more thought beyond that though so who knows what will happen.
Click to expand...

I understand where you're coming from. I don't think its that you're insecure tho, I think you're just feeling the stuff that comes with dating someone you actually like. Its easy to be detached and stuff when you're not really interested in the dude! Remember Hitch and how he was this dating connoisseur and then he met someone he liked and everything flew out the window? I know its just a movie, but that ish really happens. Happened to me just a couple months ago in fact... this dude had me breaking all my rules LOL

Anyway, it may end up being a good idea to date old dude. I wasn't all that into my last boyfriend when we first started dating, and I think my reasons for getting into a relationship with him were probably similar to yours. I had been hopping around dating a bunch a different guys and I wanted to prove to myself I could be committed. We ended up dating for like 2 yrs... and even though we've broken up I still can't get rid of him LOL. We'll probably end up getting back together.

So be careful, it may not end up going the way you want it to go!
 
Msstarr718 said:
A "starter boyfriend" where they do that at lol. If you aren't really interested in Chris then I don't think that you should make him your little experiment. That wouldn't be fair to him. I'm not sure how old you are but experimenting days are usually between the ages of 18 to 24 in my opinion, after that its time to have grownup relationships. It clearly seems that you guys have a lot of fun together which is one of the main things to having a nice healthy relationship. Being with someone isn't hard people just make it difficult by being indecisive and dishonest. So if your not into dude like that then pass because I'm sure you wouldn't want to be someone's "starter" girlfriend.
Click to expand...

Any first boyfriend I have is going to be my starter boyfriend, to tell the truth, so I don't think of it as dishonest. It's nothing to do with me not being into him because I do like him. What I'm saying is, I don't know what I'm doing, and whether I think the relationship has long term potential or not, I think it's time to try and see. I run from potential relationships if I can't see myself obsessing over dude, and that's just stupid. I don't wanna be a Carrie Bradshaw type who mistakes insecure, tenuous relationships with excitement.
 
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