Married Ladies Random Thoughts
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tolly
Well-Known Member
Especially this... Try to resist getting sucked into the unhappy loop of letting his mood dictate your
You are always so direct and honest. I really love it.
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Your needs matter too. In fact your needs are more important because you cannot tend to his needs if you are not healthy yourself. You can end up being exhausted. So, make sure you are attentive to your own mental, spiritual and physical wellbeing because there is the tendency to ignore your own needs when you have a close loved one with depression. It’s hard being with a depressed person.
Though your husband is annoyed at the moment, I am sure he relies on your support. In addition, your own mental health and wellbeing is important and you need to try and safeguard that. Because of his depression and anxiety, it may be difficult for your dh to be fully present and responsive to your needs. Tell him that your needs matter too.
He may only have the energy to just get through each day so your needs may be unmet. Even though you know this. It can still be painful so please make sure you take care of yourself and your pooch. Instead of focusing on what you think he should be doing for himself.
You can also find out how you can be supportive to him by asking him. Some things that popped in my mind is the idea to adopt a more tolerant point of view as this could be something that you will have to deal with your dh for a long time. Therefore you have to make it tolerable even though you may develop feelings of anger and guilt, which is normal. Because having to deal with someone with depression and anxiety can lead to you feeling annoyed and angry, then guilty.
Depression can make people look as if they are not trying which can cause loved ones to feel powerless, annoyed and frustrated. Nurture and forgive yourself when you experience these feelings. It’s okay to feel these emotions. You may feel them because you love him and want the best for him. I really hope you guys get past this. Take care of yourself.
Though your husband is annoyed at the moment, I am sure he relies on your support. In addition, your own mental health and wellbeing is important and you need to try and safeguard that. Because of his depression and anxiety, it may be difficult for your dh to be fully present and responsive to your needs. Tell him that your needs matter too.
He may only have the energy to just get through each day so your needs may be unmet. Even though you know this. It can still be painful so please make sure you take care of yourself and your pooch. Instead of focusing on what you think he should be doing for himself.
You can also find out how you can be supportive to him by asking him. Some things that popped in my mind is the idea to adopt a more tolerant point of view as this could be something that you will have to deal with your dh for a long time. Therefore you have to make it tolerable even though you may develop feelings of anger and guilt, which is normal. Because having to deal with someone with depression and anxiety can lead to you feeling annoyed and angry, then guilty.
Depression can make people look as if they are not trying which can cause loved ones to feel powerless, annoyed and frustrated. Nurture and forgive yourself when you experience these feelings. It’s okay to feel these emotions. You may feel them because you love him and want the best for him. I really hope you guys get past this. Take care of yourself.
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Yes it was difficult. My husband and I both came from very male dominated patriarchal cultures. Quite misogynistic IMO. I wanted none of that. I am alpha and he is beta. So it works most of the time, otherwise I would not have married him.
We laid the ground rules Before we got married and we had loads of marriage therapy (and still do) on and off so that we could understand each other.
However, sometimes when we were/are with some of his family members it goes to pieces. He Starts To act like someone I don’t even know sometimes. Because they would insinuate that he deserves better and I am not being a good wife. These people act and think that women should be beasts of burden. Not me. If we both work outside the home, we both work inside the home. If you wanted a handmaiden then you should have been a multi millionaire at least so that I could stay home for the rest of my life and be your handmaiden. But that’s not the case. So deal with it dude and pull your weight.
But the good thing is that he listens and tries. But this is something that should be discussed before marriage or cohabitation IMO...
We laid the ground rules Before we got married and we had loads of marriage therapy (and still do) on and off so that we could understand each other.
However, sometimes when we were/are with some of his family members it goes to pieces. He Starts To act like someone I don’t even know sometimes. Because they would insinuate that he deserves better and I am not being a good wife. These people act and think that women should be beasts of burden. Not me. If we both work outside the home, we both work inside the home. If you wanted a handmaiden then you should have been a multi millionaire at least so that I could stay home for the rest of my life and be your handmaiden. But that’s not the case. So deal with it dude and pull your weight.
But the good thing is that he listens and tries. But this is something that should be discussed before marriage or cohabitation IMO...
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Nope. We started laying the ground work shortly before we got engaged. I will say that I had to learn to adjust my mindset in certain areas and establish some boundaries between me and my parents (particularly my mother), but overall it was not difficult for us. It was difficult for our parents to adjust to our way of doing things but, hubby and I are very good at ignoring outside chatter.
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Care to share more about the bolded? Is this part of both of y'all make up or did you two cultivate it along the way?
PopLife
Well-Known Member
YES.
Discuss and establish boundaries and rules before you get married.
Observe the norms and customs of his relationships with family & friends and vice versa. I really try to stress to single women how much of an influence the people in a man's life can have on him & your relationship. Choose wisely...
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
Thank you for responding. People often say this, but what is actually meant? Should I consider what I find important or are there some general ground rules that are important for every relationship, that one should be on the lookout for?
kikigirl
Well-Known Member
Not the OP but IMO, be engaged/know each other long enough to see both people enforcing boundaries with their sides (family and friends).
Don’t marry a mama’s boy who showed no backbone before the ring and then expect that all of a sudden he’ll step up and cover you. Even if you’re fortunate to see such a change happen, it won’t be without much much much grief.
PopLife
Well-Known Member
I believe both should be considered when deciding to marry someone.
Generally:
Men who put their "immediate" family (husband, wife, children) first outside of serious situations or emergencies, avoid a lot of outside interference/opinions that can destroy a marriage.
Personally:
I would advise a woman to be honest with herself whether her personality & values mesh well with not just their future husband but his friends & family as well. These are important people in your future husband's life whom you will probably be spending a lot of time around. While no one is perfect and everyone has family & friends with annoying quirks if you notice anything alarming ( major character flaws) or you already can't stand to be around them more than 20 minutes now, consider this a preview of your future...
Spend as much time as possible around them now and ask yourself:
Do I feel comfortable and enjoy spending time with these people?
Can I truly be myself around them?
Do they make me feel welcome?
Would I feel comfortable with them being around or watching my future children if needed?
What if one of them did something to me or my children that I didn't like? Can I go to my future spouse and trust that he will handle the situation civilly and defend me if needed?
Does his family or friends dictate where or how holidays/special events are spent? If so, is my future spouse willing to make adjustments?
Does his friends and family respect you guys personal time/space, do you notice them just "popping up" over his place. Are you okay with that?
What if one of them needed to stay with you guys temporarily or permanently? Are you okay with that?
Not to say these things will happen but they need to be considered and discussed with your future spouse before marriage.
I would say it's part of his make up, but not mine. My husband's mindset much of the time is, "I don't give a ****." He does what he does and amazingly, the people around him adjust. Some of the people in his family can be emotionally manipulative. There have been times that he has given in, but rarely has it been at the expensive of us as a family unit.
I grew up being a people pleaser and walking on egg shells. I have always been sensitive to the needs of others and often times, to my own detriment. As a teen and young adult, I knew deep down that my parents' requests ( often times demands) were unreasonable, but I wanted them to be pleased with me. Having kids and heck.....just living life as a real adult I learned some things. One is that I will run myself in the ground trying to make everybody happy. Another thing I learned is that parents often have a difficult time seeing their children as adults. I had to take a few steps back and realize that it's not really my job to remind my parents that I'm a grown woman with a husband and kids. Their needs come first. As I'm sure you can gather, this was a process for me. I had to seek advice from an unbiased source to make sense of what I was experiencing with my parents and in the end I realized that their behavior was a tad bit toxic. I've had to really be confident in my decisions and tell myself repeatedly that my husband and I are not being selfish or disrespectful by choosing to nurture our family the way we choose to.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
*****poof*****
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I would say yes. DH had ideas about what he thought his perfect marriage would be so I felt some unspoken pressure to live up to his expectations. He also had a stay at home mom so he had ideas about what a wife should be but I wanted to work. So, yes it was a struggle to finally in a loving way say hey. This is our marriage. Not to be compared with any other. It is unique to us. We make this.
I was so happy and relieved when he finally got it.
Brwnbeauti
Well-Known Member
Yes. Dh has or had a warped view of marriage. His mom was superwoman. I tried for The first 2-3 years but then the scales fell.
I was unhappy and tired. And he didn’t realize that he was the reason why. I stopped overfunctioning, leaned back and he leaned forward
.
qchelle
Well-Known Member
No. Because me and dh both keep our parents at arms length, in our personal matters. Neither of us have ever been enmeshed with our parents, even before marriage. Which helps in upholding boundaries and making your own traditions. I honestly feel like lots of people have relationships with their parents that wouldn't work well if they got married. To outsiders, me and dh would probably be called kinda mean in the way we handle our parents. We shut stuff down and don't explain ourselves. Any sign of badgering and the parent is put on time out. No, we won't be going here there everywhere doing x y and z with a b and c. Bye.
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Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Time really moves fast. I can't believe we are in our 5th year of marriage.
Sosoothing
Well-Known Member
Wow! Time does move fast. Congratulations! I remember when you had just gotten married.
Taleah2009
Well-Known Member
Thank you!
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
I'm liking this discussion ladies. SO and I are talking about getting engaged this year and the issues around boundaries and family/friends are on my mind right now.
I’m feeling some kind of way because dh scheduled his surgery on the day a big client of mine was coming in town (Friday) We have been waiting on this for months!
I’m a realtor so I’m at the hospital early drop him off. Pick him up at lunch, give him his meds and head back out.
then I get a call from him saying pain meds haven’t kicked in yet!
Then His Mother starts calling me!
Now I have to go to the pharmacy pick up his meds. Go get him some depends. AND deal with his mother and my client. Great.
anyway. I yes ma’am’d my way through convo with moms. Did my showing went to the pharmacy and went home.
only to find him feeling better pain wise and all was well. I told him about calling his mom and he claimed he was just looking for pain management advise.
anyway I’m still salty
I’m a realtor so I’m at the hospital early drop him off. Pick him up at lunch, give him his meds and head back out.
then I get a call from him saying pain meds haven’t kicked in yet!
Then His Mother starts calling me!
Now I have to go to the pharmacy pick up his meds. Go get him some depends. AND deal with his mother and my client. Great.
anyway. I yes ma’am’d my way through convo with moms. Did my showing went to the pharmacy and went home.
only to find him feeling better pain wise and all was well. I told him about calling his mom and he claimed he was just looking for pain management advise.
anyway I’m still salty
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Aww man @Lymegreen I would have been so annoyed if I were you. Almost like he was trying to sabotage you? But he wouldn’t do that, would he? Hopefully it was an oversight. In the future you will have stand up for yourself and say no can do. Find someone else or reschedule especially since you two had been discussing this for months. I hope everything went well with the client.
I landed the contract. So it ended well. But, it was very emotional needless to say.
I can’t figure out if he was sabotaging me. He had a kidney stone that needed to be removed it was either Friday or Wednesday. Wednesday seemed so far away but he hadn’t had any pain since the day he was diagnosed.
oh well, it was his call because of the pain factor just terrible timing for me
Yes to all of this. It’s hard to think of others when one is wallowing in depression. But call him out on it. I don’t think it’s done on purpose. You matter too.
@Ganjababy, I think the best thing for you to do is stay out of it. I don't think you need to block them, but they need to respect your desire to not be a sounding board for either of them. Your sister and brother-in-law are adults and need to work out their issues without involving family. They are the only two people who have to live with their decisions.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
@Ganjababy Yes leave it alone. I can think of several people I know for a fact are dead today behind other folks marital issues. Two of which, siblings to the bride or groom .
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