Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Anyone deal with a depressed spouse? So turns out my DH is depressed, which explains his irritability, mood swings etc.

Of course that does not give him a pass for certain behaviors. So I am working on some boundaries and distance. Boundaries to avoid additional hurt and distance to work on my anger and resentment and see if I will stay. I honestly would’ve already been out the door but his family swooped him up for the weekend and did an “intervention” and I am waiting to see what happens.
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
Ladies, who handles repair and service men in the relationship? I’ve told DH that these types of workers always respond better when a man talks to them (I know that sounds sexists but I’m just being honest and at this point I’m just frustrated with these dudes). Am I only one who notices this? Is it unreasonable for me to always want DH to be the one to deal with these folks?
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I gave up fighting with my husband over this. I was able to get him to deal with mechanics after I lost a dude I trusted. Now I seek recommendations from friends for other service people. Since I am a lawyer I usually use contracts to intimidate them when they act a fool. Lol.
 
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Ganjababy said:
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What a doozy.
We lost DH's MIL last year. She did the same sometimes and got on my last nerves. Boundary-stomped like a mutha. And would you believe I am sad she is gone? DD1 thinks of her often and mentions missing her from time to time.

My advice is to let you know she may not change. You will have to simply decide not to go on visits or not stay with her. When it comes up just simply say "its a hotel or nothing...but you are welcome to stay with her." If hubby doesn't have a problem with you being so straight up with him "the coffee is nasty," then you don't have to explain anything to her and you certainly don't have to do what she asks. If your husband likes to have his food prepared and you don't like to fix his plate like that, then you and hubby have a different issue to work through together. If you don't mind making his plate and simply haven't gotten around to it, look her in the eye and say "I love making hubby's plate and I'll get to it shortly." then walk away or remove all eye contact and disregard her presence. You don't have to do anything this woman says. You can either acknowledge her presence or not. Heck, even a simple "nod" and walking away or turning away from her is you acknowledging her request and doing it on your time...or not.
In the end, my MIL was fine. Hubby was caught in the middle bc she even boundary stomped him. But that's because he and his siblings allowed it well into adulthood. But I just had to learn to assert myself, learn that "no" is a full sentence, and not respond to anything I didn't want to. You can ask me to do something but it doesn't mean I'm going to do it. And reminding her that the conversations are between you and him and not up for discussion is non-negotiable. The minute she walks in on your conversation, the conversation is done. We don't answer questions about a convo I was having with him.
 
I started this thread 267 pages ago. Hubby and I are 12 years in. We have since had 2 kids, and the oldest starts kindergarten. The baby is already 1 1/2. We've had some hard hard times and some great ones. We are remodeling our home and transtioning from wanting babies to being done with making them and just being a family. We lost his mom, and his dad has taken sick. The stress of mothering 2 has taken a toll. I had to get therapy to stop myself from leaving him (he can be very detached and indifferent, but he was a coddled son). He came to a therapy session with me though. Therapy was for me not him, and I have not invited him back. Therapy has allowed me to be more vocal about my needs and he has slowly responded in kind...very positively. Sex continues to be good. Great. I mean on fleek. I actually had to stop doing it while I ovulate its that good. I really don't need to get pregnant no time soon. He gets on my nerves but he is unlearning a lot of bad habits and so have I. We have 2 girls so I let him know that you have to be a good example of the kind of man you want your girls to attach to. That means showing emotions and expressing your feelings, not being indifferent, and manipulative (his dad was sooo manipulative and emotionally abused his mom). We've evolved and its been hard. But we want to be married. So we come back to that. We even argue different and we are working on communicating in real time. The biggest change is me. (catch that ladies). I'm no longer so diplomatic or caring of his feelings. Meaning...I don't minimize my feelings to cater to ego. I let it fly and shoot for the jugular. This man is even catered to at work (so am I somewhat) but he is not used to anyone telling him his stuff stinks.... I'm always prepared to walk away. My mentality is that we work it out. His is too, but he doesn't have the tools to get back in the ring because he doesn't like to argue. But that also means he doesn't like to communicate his feelings or frustration. So he is learning to do more than shut a conversation down. I'm being better about making mental notes for later for a better time to discuss it rather than just forgiving and forgetting and arguing about it later. The latter is bad because its not solutions-driven and it suggests that there WAS no problem, just a complaint. It takes being present mentally---and not checking out mentally for the sake of ending the argument. Its an exercise in really paying attention. Marriage is hard.
 
I don't want to quote your post @naturalgyrl5199 but thank you for this vulnerable post. My DH deals with arguments the same way - he closes down and then moves on. It's so frustrating at times but I'm grateful for your post about making mental notes for later. How does your DH respond when you bring up stuff that happened in the past?
 
NijaG said:
I’m going to preface my advice with a few facts about me......

1) I’m Nigerian and sometimes the way married naija couples fight and what they can say to each other might send the average American couple straight to the madhouse or divorce court.
2) I’ve been married for less than 5yrs. Two kids with DH
3) I got married mid/late 30’s because my tolerance level dealing with men (especially naija) men and their BS was quite low.

Take what is meaningful, leave the rest.
——————————————————

Your DH grew up seeing his mother put up with some sort of crap from her own DH. Apparently from what you wrote she is still attending to her DH needs even though she is resentful towards him. She made herself a martyr.

So your DH’s main married female figure in his life growing up, put his father and her children’s needs way above hers and she didn’t receive and/or demand reciprocity.

Seems the men are Takers and believe the only thing they have to provide/give in a marriage is their money. This then entitles them to get whatever they want from the women they have chosen to “provide” for.
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This is what I was dealing with. I called DH out on it and he prolly went and laid down and cried.
Talking about "I don't want to hear nobody say they are tired....my mama worked 2 jobs :blah: ...and I'm like "aht aht"...:lala:
Your mama died cause she served ya'll to the BONE. She died entirely too young bc she neglected to take care of herself...that's what you want for me? Is she GOALS?
Him...ummm uh...
Me: Hmph.
 
Loving said:
I don't want to quote your post @naturalgyrl5199 but thank you for this vulnerable post. My DH deals with arguments the same way - he closes down and then moves on. It's so frustrating at times but I'm grateful for your post about making mental notes for later. How does your DH respond when you bring up stuff that happened in the past?
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Oh gosh he HATES it. Goes on about "we moving on blah blah blah."
At first I was like "I need/demand/require closure". Heck just acknowledge that even though you HAVE changed, man it took a lot of me swallowing hope and letting it go to get here, and you did me wrong... But I recognize it as he isn't intentionally trying to be mean, he honestly doesn't want to FEEL negative feelings, including guilt because its legit painful. Men HATE to feel pain. We know they are already whiners with physical pain. Emotional pain makes them shut down. He doesn't even like you to help him rationalize or recognize why he reacts the way he does bc it feels like an inquisition. So----I try to make mental notes, and be more present and deal with the issue in real time--and if there is a moment to mention the past, I do-but only if its relevant. I have literally said "no we need to discuss this now." And "stop walking away and get back in the ring." "And communication isn't comfortable but I need to get this off my chest." And its funny, He's 40 now and softer than he was 20 years ago. I'm 38 and tougher than I was 20 years ago. So in his mind I'm the problem-I'm the one who's changed. But I remind him, no---2 babies later, I'm stronger and basically a new creature.
 
PDQ (please don’t quote)

Every now and then I could really use a therapist :( maybe more often, just to talk thru some things. Quite some time ago, I located one that I felt like I wanted to try out, but her waiting list was insane and she didn’t have the capacity to take any more clients. The other one I called to schedule with wasn’t available for my actual appt. I was offered another person, but I did not want to have scattered sessions.

I’m trying not to be a ***** because his bday is tomorrow... but honey :mad:
I’m just struggling with some things.
 
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I was the one that insisted my DH to go back to school and ultimately persuaded him that it was a great idea. We looked up the union rates that he'd be eligible for down the line, and now he's all gung ho, told my parents about it, etc. But it's going to be 3 years to finish, and now I wish I could just be like nevermind. Like most things, it will be worthwhile in the end, but geez, I was reeaally hoping he would be able to get it out of the way in two.
 
naturalgyrl5199 said:
This is what I was dealing with. I called DH out on it and he prolly went and laid down and cried.
Talking about "I don't want to hear nobody say they are tired....my mama worked 2 jobs :blah: ...and I'm like "aht aht"...:lala:
Your mama died cause she served ya'll to the BONE. She died entirely too young bc she neglected to take care of herself...that's what you want for me? Is she GOALS?
Him...ummm uh...
Me: Hmph.
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These are the same problems I had with ex-DH. His mother struggled and she wants me to struggle to. He saw his mother make it off of a lot less with her husband so he wondered why I wanted to be pampered and go out. It's like normalized dysfunction. And the sad thing is I'm seeing it A LOT in the dating pool as well. It really makes me sad.
 
^^^Unfortunately, I think a lot of men subconsciously expect their wives to carry the same kind of load their mothers carried. I've learned that people will watch you run yourself in the ground and never say a word as long as they are getting what they want from you. That is why I rest and take breaks when I need to. Its not selfish to take care of yourself.
 
mrselle said:
^^^Unfortunately, I think a lot of men subconsciously expect their wives to carry the same kind of load their mothers carried. I've learned that people will watch you run yourself in the ground and never say a word as long as they are getting what they want from you. That is why I rest and take breaks when I need to. Its not selfish to take care of yourself.
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A divorced white lady I worked with said that people said she was like a black mom. I had to tell her they really meant single mom.
 
naturalgyrl5199 said:
This is what I was dealing with. I called DH out on it and he prolly went and laid down and cried.
Talking about "I don't want to hear nobody say they are tired....my mama worked 2 jobs :blah: ...and I'm like "aht aht"...:lala:
Your mama died cause she served ya'll to the BONE. She died entirely too young bc she neglected to take care of herself...that's what you want for me? Is she GOALS?
Him...ummm uh...
Me: Hmph.
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Sis. I am >here<. I am just realizing DH’s mom is a super martyr. She works full time but does everything for everyone, including her adult kids. DH has been so fussy and demanding the past few years and I was so confused.

He says I am not the same person. I mean duh. I’ve lost some very closed loved ones and suddenly. I almost died and now I have a chronic illness. For the past few years I have had to work more hours than I ever have. So I have demanded more of DH. He will ask me to do things for him that he knows how to do and has the time for. Then get mad if I don’t.

The other day I was driving and he called me to ask for our bank account number. I told him I was driving and he was like I need it now because blah blah. What was he doing? Walking the dog. He could have posed on the sidewalk and looked it up himself. Nope, he guilted me into pulling over to get him the info.

I have seriously been saying no a lot more often. He is a grown man and I have been running myself into the ground trying to juggle his stuff. So now he says I hate him. I have realized in his mind what his mom does is love. Because I refuse to be like that I don’t love him.

Whatever. He either gets with the program or gets moving. Or he needs to make enough money for me to stay home and cater to his needs.
 
Farida said:
Sis. I am >here<. I am just realizing DH’s mom is a super martyr. She works full time but does everything for everyone, including her adult kids. DH has been so fussy and demanding the past few years and I was so confused.

He says I am not the same person. I mean duh. I’ve lost some very closed loved ones and suddenly. I almost died and now I have a chronic illness. For the past few years I have had to work more hours than I ever have. So I have demanded more of DH. He will ask me to do things for him that he knows how to do and has the time for. Then get mad if I don’t.

The other day I was driving and he called me to ask for our bank account number. I told him I was driving and he was like I need it now because blah blah. What was he doing? Walking the dog. He could have posed on the sidewalk and looked it up himself. Nope, he guilted me into pulling over to get him the info.

I have seriously been saying no a lot more often. He is a grown man and I have been running myself into the ground trying to juggle his stuff. So now he says I hate him. I have realized in his mind what his mom does is love. Because I refuse to be like that I don’t love him.

Whatever. He either gets with the program or gets moving. Or he needs to make enough money for me to stay home and cater to his needs.
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He asked me where his gift cards were last night...from his birthday....in May.
Then because I clean often he said I hid it. (that's his thing to say when I clean). He said he'd left it on the kitchen island. Which as been cleaned 100 times since then. There is a place we put cards so I told him to check there and then I left it alone...but he kept pushing. I said "you're 40. I have to keep up with your ish---the kids ish too?" He was big mad. But IDGAF. I told him I'd buy him another one. I just don't care. It will turn up. He doesn't even know when he last saw it.
 
naturalgyrl5199 said:
He asked me where his gift cards were last night...from his birthday....in May.
Then because I clean often he said I hid it. (that's his thing to say when I clean). He said he'd left it on the kitchen island. Which as been cleaned 100 times since then. There is a place we put cards so I told him to check there and then I left it alone...but he kept pushing. I said "you're 40. I have to keep up with your ish---the kids ish too?" He was big mad. But IDGAF. I told him I'd buy him another one. I just don't care. It will turn up. He doesn't even know when he last saw it.
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I have asked DH a million times to help me sort our mail. Respond, shred or keep. He never does. He only looks for things in the mail he is looking forward to like packages he ordered. So the mail piles up until I end up picking out what I recognize and shredding the rest.

Then when he needs something he comes boohooing to me about some letter that was mailed 8 months ago that is super important. I’m like whatever...
 
exDH has been playing these games to get back home. But since I'm so leaned back I pick up on his inconsistency and selfishness. Like he has told me so many times he wants his family back together and he misses us. He'll take me on a family date or do a little extra with the kid. But it's never stuff solely for ME. And if I don't ask him for something....it never gets done. Like why don't you keep our grass cut? Why don't you check in and see if we need anything over money for the toddler? Why don't you intentionally try to make my life easier?

It's kinda like he was hoping I would struggle these past two years (Can yall believe we have been apart for two years this January?) and beg for him to come back. Then when he saw that I moved on, replaced the few little things he took, got into a new relationship, and traveled the city living my best life, here he comes trying to ruin stuff.

I entertained thoughts of us being back together for awhile, but I really desire someone who really cares about marriage and is willing to TRULY work with me to make it work.
 
PrissiSippi said:
exDH has been playing these games to get back home. But since I'm so leaned back I pick up on his inconsistency and selfishness. Like he has told me so many times he wants his family back together and he misses us. He'll take me on a family date or do a little extra with the kid. But it's never stuff solely for ME. And if I don't ask him for something....it never gets done. Like why don't you keep our grass cut? Why don't you check in and see if we need anything over money for the toddler? Why don't you intentionally try to make my life easier?

It's kinda like he was hoping I would struggle these past two years (Can yall believe we have been apart for two years this January?) and beg for him to come back. Then when he saw that I moved on, replaced the few little things he took, got into a new relationship, and traveled the city living my best life, here he comes trying to ruin stuff.

I entertained thoughts of us being back together for awhile, but I really desire someone who really cares about marriage and is willing to TRULY work with me to make it work.
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When my friend was getting divorced her husband made her life a living hell. Isn’t it ridiculous that some men think the best way to win back their wives is to make them miserable? It’s laughable. Dude stopped paying the bills, flooded her house, would take the kids for the weekend and not feed them (she would drive over and sneak food to them). But she worked hard and lived her best life. Now he is out here in these streets broke and lonely...I truly feel if you try and sabotage people it comes back and bites you in the butt.
 
Farida said:
When my friend was getting divorced her husband made her life a living hell. Isn’t it ridiculous that some men think the best way to win back their wives is to make them miserable? It’s laughable. Dude stopped paying the bills, flooded her house, would take the kids for the weekend and not feed them (she would drive over and sneak food to them). But she worked hard and lived her best life. Now he is out here in these streets broke and lonely...I truly feel if you try and sabotage people it comes back and bites you in the butt.
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Not feed his own children? What in the nig nog hell?
 
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