Married Ladies Random Thoughts

mrselle said:
I have noticed this with service/repair men and two of my doctors. For me, I chalk it up to being petite, appearing much younger than I am and sounding young. When dealing with these people I've had to learn to adjust my demeanor (I'm usually cheerful and come across as being very innocent). It usually works. Otherwise, I just don't use their services.
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I am also cheerful sounding and I have a friend that says I need to look meaner :lol: thank you for your input. Definitely something to consider
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
Hmm he’s not really reluctant, he just never thought about it, I think. If he’s at home, he handles it. The biggest problem is that he can’t always take off work to be here when the workmen are here. I’ve just recently expressed to him that I want him to handle these things (he said ok) but I just wonder if I’m being unreasonable.


More so, I’m wondering if it’s just me who notices that workers seem to put in more of an effort when there’s a man around. I was expressing this to a coworker and she says she never notices a problem.
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@Leeda.the.Paladin I noticed this as well and did the same as you when I was married. And I am not petite. I just got tired of dealing with these men. Funny thing now that I’m divorced I don’t have many issues. I’m firmer now (or sometimes even sweeter :giggle:) to get done what needs to be done. If they are not cooperative I fire people much quicker now as well and move on.
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
Ladies, who handles repair and service men in the relationship? I’ve told DH that these types of workers always respond better when a man talks to them (I know that sounds sexists but I’m just being honest and at this point I’m just frustrated with these dudes). Am I only one who notices this? Is it unreasonable for me to always want DH to be the one to deal with these folks?
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I handle repairs and service men. DH knows NOTHING about repairs, tools, cars, nothing. Thankfully my grandmother taught me a little about a lot so I can usually tell if I'm getting a snow job or they just aren't doing something correctly, especially when it comes to cars. Surprisingly, costs double when they learn that my DH has NO clue!! He will call me at work, "Baby. The man said it's going to cost...…" "Nope, let me talk to him!" So I gladly take off from work to handle whatever. Generally, they see me and want to "impress" me with their knowledge of gaskets, motors, hammers or whatever the case may be. Ok, that's cute and all but I need you to get this toilet installed ASAP so I can use it.

I think we should be involved because one day you may be on your own. You need to have a little knowledge on repairs - at least enough to get by.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
I handle repairs and service men. DH knows NOTHING about repairs, tools, cars, nothing. Thankfully my grandmother taught me a little about a lot so I can usually tell if I'm getting a snow job or they just aren't doing something correctly, especially when it comes to cars. Surprisingly, costs double when they learn that my DH has NO clue!! He will call me at work, "Baby. The man said it's going to cost...…" "Nope, let me talk to him!" So I gladly take off from work to handle whatever. Generally, they see me and want to "impress" me with their knowledge of gaskets, motors, hammers or whatever the case may be. Ok, that's cute and all but I need you to get this toilet installed ASAP so I can use it.

I think we should be involved because one day you may be on your own. You need to have a little knowledge on repairs - at least enough to get by.
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Thank you! You are right and I always stay in the loop about what’s happening. I’ve learned a lot over the years. DH always comes to me before we pay and we touch base about what’s going on. I’m the one who makes the payment and schedules follow up work.

I don’t want him to just completely take over, as in I’m not involved at all. I just want him to be the figurehead, as it were.
 
It sounds like you two have a pretty good system. I like how the two of you touch base before the final payment.

The stereotype of repairmen has changed tremendously. I think they have finally figured out that they are going to engage with far more women than they thought so they have polished up on their customer service skills. They are far more personable. Especially the younger repairmen. It's not so bad anymore.
 
Do you guys think husbands really resent their wives when their wives are the breadwinners?

I've seen some commentary on the B. Smith situation with her husband, and some people say her husband has really resented being in her shadow all of these years and is now happy to be in a relationship (with a WW) where he can be in the leader/provider role.

Do you married women agree that many husbands resent when their wives out-earn them?
 
WonderGirl2U said:
Do you guys think husbands really resent their wives when their wives are the breadwinners?

I've seen some commentary on the B. Smith situation with her husband, and some people say her husband has really resented being in her shadow all of these years and is now happy to be in a relationship (with a WW) where he can be in the leader/provider role.

Do you married women agree that many husbands resent when their wives out-earn them?
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IMO, I don't think husbands resent wives who out-earn them. I think husbands resent wives who let it be known that she is the breadwinner. Breadwinning wives can be emasculating, dismissive, egotistical, and demeaning to lesser earning husbands. In my experiences, that is where the problems start.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
IMO, I don't think husbands resent wives who out-earn them. I think husbands resent wives who let it be known that she is the breadwinner. Breadwinning wives can be emasculating, dismissive, egotistical, and demeaning to lesser earning husbands. In my experiences, that is where the problems start.
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Agreed, but also want to point that a subset of men out there can’t handle a breadwinner wife, even if she is in all means “perfect” (feminine; loving, respectful, etc...). Their ego can’t handle it.
 
kikigirl said:
Agreed, but also want to point that a subset of men out there can’t handle a breadwinner wife, even if she is in all means “perfect” (feminine; loving, respectful, etc...). Their ego can’t handle it.
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There are.

Being a Woman, I do not understand why it matters who earns how much. Regardless of who makes it, the money supports the lifestyle they share. It shouldn't be a bone of contention. Men should enjoy it and be proud of their money earning Wife.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
IMO, I don't think husbands resent wives who out-earn them. I think husbands resent wives who let it be known that she is the breadwinner. Breadwinning wives can be emasculating, dismissive, egotistical, and demeaning to lesser earning husbands. In my experiences, that is where the problems start.
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Some Breadwinning wives can be all of the negative stuff above, but I always have a multitude of questions and like to look deep before assigning any of those put down descriptions to a bread winning wife.
 
WonderGirl2U said:
Do you guys think husbands really resent their wives when their wives are the breadwinners?

I've seen some commentary on the B. Smith situation with her husband, and some people say her husband has really resented being in her shadow all of these years and is now happy to be in a relationship (with a WW) where he can be in the leader/provider role.

Do you married women agree that many husbands resent when their wives out-earn them?
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More often than not, yes. Especially when the gap is wide and/or the overall income is low.
 
WonderGirl2U said:
Do you guys think husbands really resent their wives when their wives are the breadwinners?

I've seen some commentary on the B. Smith situation with her husband, and some people say her husband has really resented being in her shadow all of these years and is now happy to be in a relationship (with a WW) where he can be in the leader/provider role.

Do you married women agree that many husbands resent when their wives out-earn them?
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This is an interesting and complicated question. I think deep down in the recesses of their mind most men would prefer to be the top earner in any relationship. Men are competitive and peculiar creatures and at times I think it bothers most if not all men. Now I think the real question is how they relate to and deal with the situation. I have been the primary bread winner in both my marriages. My first husband was unable to reconcile his feelings with it and did things to sabotage our marriage I believe to regain what he felt like was a lost position of power because of my earnings. And before there is any assumption that I held my higher earnings over his head or treated him less than he deserved is far from the case. Hence why he is now an ex...my second husband, while I believe would prefer to out earn me doesn't let it define him or our relationship so it never comes up as an issue. It always strikes me as odd that other women are really quick to say that it's how the woman behaves that determines if a man can deal with her earning more. We as women are always really quick to blame "us" versus holding a man accountable for his feelings and actions.
 
^^^^
@Daina

Like x1000%

Women maybe more willing or conditioned to look at things from a we/team aspect, but men are/were not historically conditioned that way.

Even worse if the man has not-so-great money habits that can put financial strain on the woman/family. Than she has to twist herself into a pretzel working around his ego and trying to find ways to discuss simple logical money matters so the man doesn’t lash out p-aggressively (which won’t help anyway).
 
NijaG said:
^^^^
@Daina

Like x1000%

Women maybe more willing or conditioned to look at things from a we/team aspect, but men are/were not historically conditioned that way.

Even worse if the man has not-so-great money habits that can put financial strain on the woman/family. Than she has to twist herself into a pretzel working around his ego and trying to find ways to discuss simple logical money matters so the man doesn’t lash out p-aggressively (which won’t help anyway).
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@NijaG, this is nothing but the Gospel truth...especially the last part! I lived that life and it is not a good place to be at all!
 
Daina said:
This is an interesting and complicated question. I think deep down in the recesses of their mind most men would prefer to be the top earner in any relationship. Men are competitive and peculiar creatures and at times I think it bothers most if not all men. Now I think the real question is how they relate to and deal with the situation. I have been the primary bread winner in both my marriages. My first husband was unable to reconcile his feelings with it and did things to sabotage our marriage I believe to regain what he felt like was a lost position of power because of my earnings. And before there is any assumption that I held my higher earnings over his head or treated him less than he deserved is far from the case. Hence why he is now an ex...my second husband, while I believe would prefer to out earn me doesn't let it define him or our relationship so it never comes up as an issue. It always strikes me as odd that other women are really quick to say that it's how the woman behaves that determines if a man can deal with her earning more. We as women are always really quick to blame "us" versus holding a man accountable for his feelings and actions.
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Most of the women I come into contact with on daily basis are ones I engage with on a professional level and are an excellent representation for this subject. From what has been shared, and deduced, about 75% of them out earn their husbands by far and they enjoy it. And I can appreciate that. They have gotten their education, paid their dues and excelled in a system that was meant to keep us out. I get it. And, from their conversations, this same attitude spills over into their home life. They earn the money and want everyone to know - including their husbands. So yep, they are emasculating and dismissive to their husbands and have no qualms about it.

I do not like that at all. I could never treat my husband that way regardless of how much I out-earned him. Well paying jobs is not something to be thrown in your spouse's face. Yes, men may most likely have an issue with it just because men are expected to be the money earners but for it to be a problem, something that causes conflict, can often be attributed to women like the ones I described. It is not blame a game, it is just a different side of the coin that I see way too often. And, food for thought, most of the women I am speaking of are not African American. So could this be more of a cultural thing than a male/female thing?
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Most of the women I come into contact with on daily basis are ones I engage with on a professional level and are an excellent representation for this subject. From what has been shared, and deduced, about 75% of them out earn their husbands by far and they enjoy it. And I can appreciate that. They have gotten their education, paid their dues and excelled in a system that was meant to keep us out. I get it. And, from their conversations, this same attitude spills over into their home life. They earn the money and want everyone to know - including their husbands. So yep, they are emasculating and dismissive to their husbands and have no qualms about it.

I do not like that at all. I could never treat my husband that way regardless of how much I out-earned him. Well paying jobs is not something to be thrown in your spouse's face. Yes, men may most likely have an issue with it just because men are expected to be the money earners but for it to be a problem, something that causes conflict, can often be attributed to women like the ones I described. It is not blame a game, it is just a different side of the coin that I see way too often. And, food for thought, most of the women I am speaking of are not African American. So could this be more of a cultural thing than a male/female thing?
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Every white woman I know who outearned her husband has divorced that husband.

5 is a small sample size*
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Most of the women I come into contact with on daily basis are ones I engage with on a professional level and are an excellent representation for this subject. From what has been shared, and deduced, about 75% of them out earn their husbands by far and they enjoy it. And I can appreciate that. They have gotten their education, paid their dues and excelled in a system that was meant to keep us out. I get it. And, from their conversations, this same attitude spills over into their home life. They earn the money and want everyone to know - including their husbands. So yep, they are emasculating and dismissive to their husbands and have no qualms about it.

I do not like that at all. I could never treat my husband that way regardless of how much I out-earned him. Well paying jobs is not something to be thrown in your spouse's face. Yes, men may most likely have an issue with it just because men are expected to be the money earners but for it to be a problem, something that causes conflict, can often be attributed to women like the ones I described. It is not blame a game, it is just a different side of the coin that I see way too often. And, food for thought, most of the women I am speaking of are not African American. So could this be more of a cultural thing than a male/female thing?
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I wonder though if those women were always the breadwinner/outearner in the rlsp, or it happened over time (due to maybe type of degree/profession)?

I feel like there are/will be certain dynamics in play depending on certain factors.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Most of the women I come into contact with on daily basis are ones I engage with on a professional level and are an excellent representation for this subject. From what has been shared, and deduced, about 75% of them out earn their husbands by far and they enjoy it. And I can appreciate that. They have gotten their education, paid their dues and excelled in a system that was meant to keep us out. I get it. And, from their conversations, this same attitude spills over into their home life. They earn the money and want everyone to know - including their husbands. So yep, they are emasculating and dismissive to their husbands and have no qualms about it.

I do not like that at all. I could never treat my husband that way regardless of how much I out-earned him. Well paying jobs is not something to be thrown in your spouse's face. Yes, men may most likely have an issue with it just because men are expected to be the money earners but for it to be a problem, something that causes conflict, can often be attributed to women like the ones I described. It is not blame a game, it is just a different side of the coin that I see way too often. And, food for thought, most of the women I am speaking of are not African American. So could this be more of a cultural thing than a male/female thing?
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I appreciate the perspective sis, and yes it very well could be cultural I'm not sure. I know despite what I earn, I prefer to have a traditional marriage with traditional gender roles. I'm just not the type to purposely try and disrespect my husband public or privately because I make more money. I think in terms of "we" and hustling together versus mine and yours. Again though I think this is a larger issue about the males and how they are able to deal with their partner. My husband wouldn't tolerate that type of disrespect over money or anything else. Just like men only do and get away with what we allow as women, I believe the same is true for men. My first dh however is the classic example of a man not being able to separate his feelings and worth from what I made and tried to belittle and lord over me in other ways because of his feelings of inadequacy. That was and still is a "him" issue and not my luggage to carry. At least for both my husbands they knew going in and from the beginning because of my profession that my earning power would be well above average. My current husband is an entrepreneur and definitely has the ability to out earn me at some point which I'm sure deep down is a goal of his.
 
DH and I are finally in legit marriage counseling. Things have been good but last week (more than5 weeks late) he admitted he admitted he was just keeping his mouth shut. That is unsustainable and insufficient for me. I was actually happy despite my better instincts. We'll see how our session goes this coming week.
 
Farida said:
DH and I are finally in legit marriage counseling. Things have been good but last week (more than5 weeks late) he admitted he admitted he was just keeping his mouth shut. That is unsustainable and insufficient for me. I was actually happy despite my better instincts. We'll see how our session goes this coming week.
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I hope he’s willing to do the hard work.

Someone in one of the rlsp threads (I think it’s considering leaving your husband title) had to divorce her stubborn passive-aggressive DH. He finally started doing the inner work and they ended up remarried 5 or so yes after the divorce (with her dating him and living with him for a bit before re-marriage).

From what you’ve written and shared it seems your DH may need that type of shock treatment.

The problem with many men, especially stubborn men, is that as long as the wife/so is still in their physical presence, engaging them in one way or the other, helping to give them that public facade of a halfway decent DH and father, they will 90% of the time not change.

There is no incentive.
 
I love that my husband knows all kinds of turrible things about me and loves me anyway.

Like this morning we had some movers come in to move a ridiculously heavy piece of furniture into the house. My husband texted me to see if they were the same guys who moved some other stuff a few weeks ago and I was like “IDK. All Mexicans look alike to me.” And he just moved on without commenting on how I am trash for that.:lachen:

He also doesn’t complain that I buy giant pieces of furniture on impulse with no real idea of where I’m going to put them. :lol:
 
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