Married Ladies Random Thoughts

@Farida

That would surprise me too if DH said something like that to me. I completely understand why you are bothered.
I'm often accused of over thinking and my mind would wander due to his comment.
Why on Earth would he think that way? Does it mean he would do what he thinks I might do when we fight? And I'm just guessing these are things going through your mind.
I'm sorry you two are going through a rough patch. And it sucks how a rough patch can affect other areas like work.

My approach tends to be brutal the older I get so I don't have anything helpful to say right now. I wish I did.
 
Sosoothing said:
@Farida

That would surprise me too if DH said something like that to me. I completely understand why you are bothered.
I'm often accused of over thinking and my mind would wander due to his comment.
Why on Earth would he think that way? Does it mean he would do what he thinks I might do when we fight? And I'm just guessing these are things going through your mind.
I'm sorry you two are going through a rough patch. And it sucks how a rough patch can affect other areas like work.

My approach tends to be brutal the older I get so I don't have anything helpful to say right now. I wish I did.
Click to expand...

Funny enough, I am not even thinking along the lines of whether it is something he would do. I just feel like after all these years if he honestly believes this, which he seems to do, he doesn’t know me at all. At the very least he is being unfair, inconsiderate and unkind.
 
@Sosoothing so what happened is he travels for work. You can respond but don’t quote.

A year ago we were fighting really badly so when he left for work it was initially a relief for a short while. But I missed him and asked him to refuse the next travel assignment and come home. We went to counseling and marriage retreats to deal with our issues.

It has not been rainbows and is a work in progress. Since last year he keeps saying I hate him. I say it is not true over and over.

This time when he traveled I told him I can tell we are in a better place because I missed him a lot versus the relief from last time.

He didn’t say anything and said he was looking forward to seeing me.

He was cold and distant when he returned and kept saying everything was fine.

Finally he admitted after more than a week that I lied to him because I never told him I was relieved when he left a year ago. He said he feels I have hated him all year because I wanted him gone.

I said because it was a fleeting thought and we dealt with the issues that made me feel that way so why would I bring it up before?

He called me a liar and said because I ommited that information he can never ever trust anything I say or do ever again. That it means I have lied to him for a year and the trust is gone.

So because if this ommission I am now capable in his eyes, of even cheating on him. I was like ??????

And I kept telling him it’s unfair but he said it is fair....am I crazy or is he being unreasonable?
 
@Farida Oh my :drunk:

This my humble opinion and the other ladies seasoned in marriage may have better opinions.

But from what I'm reading. Your DH is being unreasonable. And immature.
Are you two a younger couple age wise? Just curious since that doesn't necessarily matter.

You told him that was then, so why isn't that enough for him?
Why would he choose to dwell on how you felt and what you thought then? Why not focus on now?
And you didn't even lie. There was simply no reason mention that then.
It sounds petty of him to sort of twist it into you possibly cheating.
Do you think he has other issues with your relationship affecting him?
 
Sosoothing said:
@Farida Oh my :drunk:

This my humble opinion and the other ladies seasoned in marriage may have better opinions.

But from what I'm reading. Your DH is being unreasonable. And immature.
Are you two a younger couple age wise? Just curious since that doesn't necessarily matter.

You told him that was then, so why isn't that enough for him?
Why would he choose to dwell on how you felt and what you thought then? Why not focus on now?
And you didn't even lie. There was simply no reason mention that then.
It sounds petty of him to sort of twist it into you possibly cheating.

Do you think he has other issues with your relationship affecting him?
Click to expand...
I started counseling and have realized you are correct. It’s a scary realization but I have to be honest with myself. He is being immature, unfair, unreasonable and very stubborn. He is gaslighting and manipulating me. I need to take care of myself.

I know he has a lot of insecurities and fear about becoming like his father. He deeply fears that I will leave him. So I think he is pushing me away. The classic self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
@Farida - Classic manipulation/gaslighting. I wouldn't feed into it by trying to explain myself. I wouldn't even discuss it with him outside of therapy because he will likely continue to turn it around on you instead of addressing his feelings in a mature fashion so that you can resolve the issue and move on.
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I agree with you. The more I think about it the more I realize I am being manipulated and gaslit. Thank you for validating my concerns.
 
He’s hurt and lashing out. I admit that it would sting a lot if dh told me that . even if he was referring to the past.( to be clear if he told me what you told your dh)

I agree that he’s not handling this in a mature way. If he wants this to work he needs to put on his big boy pants . I think this is something u guys can get past. You’re both in your feelings right now
 
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Farida said:
Not good. He honestly said some unforgivable things to me. And what hurts the most is he believed them. He said he would not have said them if he knew it would hurt me. He basically apologized for saying them which means he believes them to be true.
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I hate that he hurt you. We have to protect our spouse's feelings. That's why it is so important to chose our words carefully because they hurt just as much as anything physical. Please don't take his words to heart to the point that they occupy your mind and affect your Spirit. It sounds like you did, but make sure he understands just how much his words hurt. Hopefully there won't be a repeat of that behavior. You are too beautiful to be sad.
 
Farida said:
I agree with you. The more I think about it the more I realize I am being manipulated and gaslit. Thank you for validating my concerns.
Click to expand...

Farida and fellow Married Ladies, please don't get mad at what I am about to say.

I agree with all the comments. However, we must admit that men process things differently than we do. Yes, it may appear that he is being manipulative and/or gaslighting but I honestly feel he is trying to prepare himself for what he feels is the inevitable, Farida leaving him for another. I must admit, if DH told me that my being away was a relief, I would be hurt and angry, and wonder if his feelings would lead him to the arms of another. In a broken person's mind, those thoughts and feelings are not too far-fetched.

Farida, please do not be dismissive of his feelings. And, although a little immature and ridiculous, he probably does believe you will eventually leave him. It will take a lot of effort on your part to erase those feelings. But, for the time-being, appreciate how he feels. Just as he should appreciate how his words hurt you. Sometimes, we have to let our spouses feel how they feel. Even if it is at our expense.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Farida and fellow Married Ladies, please don't get mad at what I am about to say.

I agree with all the comments. However, we must admit that men process things differently than we do. Yes, it may appear that he is being manipulative and/or gaslighting but I honestly feel he is trying to prepare himself for what he feels is the inevitable, Farida leaving him for another. I must admit, if DH told me that my being away was a relief, I would be hurt and angry, and wonder if his feelings would lead him to the arms of another. In a broken person's mind, those thoughts and feelings are not too far-fetched.

Farida, please do not be dismissive of his feelings. And, although a little immature and ridiculous, he probably does believe you will eventually leave him. It will take a lot of effort on your part to erase those feelings. But, for the time-being, appreciate how he feels. Just as he should appreciate how his words hurt you. Sometimes, we have to let our spouses feel how they feel. Even if it is at our expense.
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You are correct that he has a deep-seated that fear that I will leave him. He always says nobody else would ever be with him. I told him I am sorry for hurting him with my comments. But he is continuing to be stubborn and unfair in resolving the conflict. We shall see how it goes. I left out other stuff but when I talked to our trusted friend who also spoke with him he agreed that he was being stubborn and unfair. I am trying to take things one day at a time.

Honestly some days it feels like he is pushing me to see if I will go away. Like testing me based on his insecurities and self-loathing. And if he is not careful it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
@Farida,

I'm sorry you are going through. Hope it gets better.

I may be projecting (cause my husband and I are also going through some stuff).
One thing I want to point out is that at some point you will have realize that you cannot take on his issues. Nothing you do is going to help him with his internal self issues. You will keep going through this push-pull cycle, he will keep pushing the boundaries and upping the ante with his behavior/actions that are not conducive to sustaining a lasting healthy relationship.

Take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.
 
Farida said:
You are correct that he has a deep-seated that fear that I will leave him. He always says nobody else would ever be with him. I told him I am sorry for hurting him with my comments. But he is continuing to be stubborn and unfair in resolving the conflict. We shall see how it goes. I left out other stuff but when I talked to our trusted friend who also spoke with him he agreed that he was being stubborn and unfair. I am trying to take things one day at a time.

Honestly some days it feels like he is pushing me to see if I will go away. Like testing me based on his insecurities and self-loathing. And if he is not careful it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Click to expand...

Oh yeah, he is definitely being stubborn and unfair and the behavior is destructive to the marriage. I hate when people allow their psyche to take over all rational and interrupt their ability to think clearly. You just want to shake some sense into them but it is an internal conflict that they have to want to win. And, unfortunately, some enjoy taking an L when it comes to that particular fight. He will eventually get over it, things will be great for a few days, and then his mind will begin to toy with him again. You just have to decide how much of this rollercoaster ride you want to take. As @NijaG said, take care of yourself mentally and emotionally and try not to let this attack your self-esteem and self-worth.

Be Blessed Love Bug.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Farida and fellow Married Ladies, please don't get mad at what I am about to say.

I agree with all the comments. However, we must admit that men process things differently than we do. Yes, it may appear that he is being manipulative and/or gaslighting but I honestly feel he is trying to prepare himself for what he feels is the inevitable, Farida leaving him for another. I must admit, if DH told me that my being away was a relief, I would be hurt and angry, and wonder if his feelings would lead him to the arms of another. In a broken person's mind, those thoughts and feelings are not too far-fetched.

Farida, please do not be dismissive of his feelings. And, although a little immature and ridiculous, he probably does believe you will eventually leave him. It will take a lot of effort on your part to erase those feelings. But, for the time-being, appreciate how he feels. Just as he should appreciate how his words hurt you. Sometimes, we have to let our spouses feel how they feel. Even if it is at our expense.
Click to expand...

You've given me a lot of food for thought.

Thank you.
 
@Bad&Bougee

Wanted to touch on what you said about being hurt if your DH had said what @Farida said.

I’m going just based on what Farida has written..... Why was he surprised? Why does he want to be lied to? If you know you are causing problems and creating a hostile environment for someone, then don’t be shocked if they need some kind of space from you.

@Farida DH is trying to gaslight her. It’s a way to cause diversion and remove focus from him and his anti-marital actions and make it about her to deflect from possible further investigation into his actions/behavior.

My DH tried to do the same thing a few days ago when I caught him repeating something that has caused problems in our rlsp. I didn’t even bother to confront or ask him any questions. But when I went out that night, he sent me a text insinuating some stuff. It was his own guilty conscious.

Unless it’s to do with the kids, we are not talking. I tried to reach out a few days ago on his bday, but he did his classic rejection thing. I refuse to chase after him, especially with him being the one to act out of turn. Whatever happens happens.

Men are not dumb. These Passive -aggressive (woe is me), I’m a victim of my life and circumstance, and can’t change types are master manipulators. They try to get their fix from you chasing after them and blowing hot n cold, so you are constantly focused on trying to fix and come up with solutions on how to make them happy.

Sorry @Farida didn’t mean to derail your thread. I’m annoyed, so don’t mind me.

Please go and try to enjoy your life. Blank your husband and live for you. When his head becomes correct he can come and look for you.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Farida and fellow Married Ladies, please don't get mad at what I am about to say.

I agree with all the comments. However, we must admit that men process things differently than we do. Yes, it may appear that he is being manipulative and/or gaslighting but I honestly feel he is trying to prepare himself for what he feels is the inevitable, Farida leaving him for another. I must admit, if DH told me that my being away was a relief, I would be hurt and angry, and wonder if his feelings would lead him to the arms of another. In a broken person's mind, those thoughts and feelings are not too far-fetched.

Farida, please do not be dismissive of his feelings. And, although a little immature and ridiculous, he probably does believe you will eventually leave him. It will take a lot of effort on your part to erase those feelings. But, for the time-being, appreciate how he feels. Just as he should appreciate how his words hurt you. Sometimes, we have to let our spouses feel how they feel. Even if it is at our expense.
Click to expand...

It's great to be supportive and understanding when your DH is dealing with his own issues. But that does not mean you coddle him when he's behaving badly. Manipulation, gaslighting, deflecting, etc. have no place in a healthy relationship. I'm here to listen to and support my husband all day everyday but I will not be abused in the process. He can talk to me like a grown up or we can go to therapy, but him being a man does not excuse his behavior.

He knows what he's doing is wrong and he knows he wouldn't tolerate it if she did it to him.
 
@NijaG

I am sorry you are going through all of that.

@Bad&Bougee @Sosoothing @LeftRightRepeat

DH apologized last night and was being super sweet. We are going to a marriage class so he asked for a "truce" while it is in place.

If it had only been his words I would have gotten over it. But he deleted me from our shared apps, phone tracking and consulted divorce laws.

So he undid all those things. But he has breached my trust in a huge way by saying those things plus more I cannot repeat AND taking actions to separate himself from me.

So for now I will accept the truce. But the hurt is still there. I will demand through this repair period that he take ownership and work on his own issues. Otherwise we will be back here again. And there is only so much of this I will be able to stand.
 
@Farida

Words are nice, but it’s about consistent action over a long period of time.

Also..... honestly, I don’t think the focus should be on a marital class. Unless he is already in individual therapy or counseling, I believe that is what he needs the most right now. If he doesn’t learn to understand himself and what drives him (good and bad), then a marital class at this point is like using a bandaid on a gaping wound.
 
NijaG said:
@Farida

Words are nice, but it’s about consistent action over a long period of time.

Also..... honestly, I don’t think the focus should be on a marital class. Unless he is already in individual therapy or counseling, I believe that is what he needs the most right now. If he doesn’t learn to understand himself and what drives him (good and bad), then a marital class at this point is like using a bandaid on a gaping wound.
Click to expand...
I agree. If he does not work on his own issues it will not go away. I have made that very clear to him. It is a bandaid and it is not enough.
 
@Bad&Bougee I will always be interested in what you have to say. We learn by considering other opinions so I am not offended by yours in anyway.

I do agree when it comes to certain things men process things differently. But men are not so different to the point of requiring their own user manual.
If men were so different, I believe God would have given us 2 Bibles. One for men and one for women. But for those of us who are Christians, that one book is good enough for both sexes to refer to when in doubt about how to treat each other. Because we are so much alike.

@Farida's husband reminds me a lot of how my DH used to be. The lashing out was unacceptable to me and I didn't look at it as him processing things differently. I could lash out too and be harsh but if I could make a choice to be mature in my approach, so could he. With an ultimatum, counseling and prayer, things are as they should be.

@Farida I'm so sorry all that has happened. Contacting lawyers too? Your DH is hurt and is hurting you in turn. But IMO those are his issues to deal with. No need to hurt you and take it out on you. ((Hugs)).

ETA: He may very well believe you may find someone else but nothing can be resolved with immature attitudes and resolution methods.
 
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Sosoothing said:
@Bad&Bougee I will always be interested in what you have to say. We learn by considering other opinions so I am not offended by yours in anyway.

I do agree when it comes to certain things men process things differently. But men are not so different to the point of requiring their own user manual.
If men were so different, I believe God would have given us 2 Bibles. One for men and one for women. But for those of us who are Christians, that one book is good enough for both sexes to refer to when in doubt about how to treat each other. Because we are so much alike.

@Farida's husband reminds me a lot of how my DH used to be. The lashing out was unacceptable to me and I didn't look at it as him processing things differently. I could lash out too and be harsh but if I could make a choice to be mature in my approach so could he. With an ultimatum, counseling and prayer, things are as they should be.

@Farida I'm so sorry all that has happened. Contacting lawyers too? Your DH is hurt and is hurting you in turn. But IMO those are his issues to deal with. No need to hurt you and take it out on you. ((Hugs)).
Click to expand...

@Sosoothing, you said a mouthful. All good things. When I get home and have time to respond, I want to share something based on your response.

Thank you!!
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@Sosoothing, you said a mouthful. All good things. When I get home and have time to respond, I want to share something based on your response.

Thank you!!
Click to expand...

Oh I didn't mean to say a mouthful:lol:.

All I meant was a husband (or wife) whose goal is a healthy relationship is responding for communicating appropriately. They are also responsible for doing the work to get there if they have issues hindering healthy communication. Gaslighting and manipulation are not ok and never an excuse. IMO.
 
When dh used to try to pull the “I wasn’t raised like that” stuff I’d kindly point out that if he was smart enough to get his IE that he was smart enough to figure out how to break whatever cycle existed in his family. Except in the case of mental illnesses, a lot of this is choice.
 
NijaG said:
@Bad&Bougee

Wanted to touch on what you said about being hurt if your DH had said what @Farida said.

I’m going just based on what Farida has written..... Why was he surprised? Why does he want to be lied to? If you know you are causing problems and creating a hostile environment for someone, then don’t be shocked if they need some kind of space from you.

@Farida DH is trying to gaslight her. It’s a way to cause diversion and remove focus from him and his anti-marital actions and make it about her to deflect from possible further investigation into his actions/behavior.

My DH tried to do the same thing a few days ago when I caught him repeating something that has caused problems in our rlsp. I didn’t even bother to confront or ask him any questions. But when I went out that night, he sent me a text insinuating some stuff. It was his own guilty conscious.

Unless it’s to do with the kids, we are not talking. I tried to reach out a few days ago on his bday, but he did his classic rejection thing. I refuse to chase after him, especially with him being the one to act out of turn. Whatever happens happens.

Men are not dumb. These Passive -aggressive (woe is me), I’m a victim of my life and circumstance, and can’t change types are master manipulators. They try to get their fix from you chasing after them and blowing hot n cold, so you are constantly focused on trying to fix and come up with solutions on how to make them happy.

Sorry @Farida didn’t mean to derail your thread. I’m annoyed, so don’t mind me.

Please go and try to enjoy your life. Blank your husband and live for you. When his head becomes correct he can come and look for you.
Click to expand...

To the blue bold - Lord YES!!!!! Some men (and women) do it to death. He should have taken the Olive Branch and moved on. You didn't have to extend it but you did and he should have followed suit. I hope you two are able to talk this through and come to an understanding.


To the red bolded. I'm guilty, my DH is guilty and I cannot think of any couple I know personally who are not guilty. For example, I can think I'm the best wife this side of the Mississippi. How often do we really know what the other is thinking or feeling? I know for a fact that I do things that drives my DH up a wall and vice versa. I am not perfect and neither is he. However, the perception I have of being the best wife is not reality. I can think I am awesome but could really be an A-hole as far as my DH is concerned so if he were to tell me so I would be hurt and angry. There are details that many spouses keep to themselves to maintain the peace, because they don't feel like dealing with it or they think it's not that big of deal to bring up. Not every couple walks around and lays all their feelings on the table each and everyday. All I am saying is we should appreciate how the other feels. That's not to say that appreciating the other's feelings means you are a door mat for them to dump their garbage. Just be careful not to minimize your spouses feelings. That's all. Right or wrong, you feel how you feel. That doesn't change anything or make the other spouse responsible. You mad? Ok. You disappointed? Ok. It's their prerogative.

I 100% agree that Farida should have been able to say what she said and, what should have happened is, DH should have used it as an opportunity to evaluate himself as a husband. "What about me would make my wife say that?" "What do I need to change ASAP before she put me out?!" Instead he went left and now he is upset. Cool. He's hurt, let him be upset.

And yes, it may appear to be manipulation but it's only manipulation if we allow ourselves to be manipulated. When you know what it is, proceed accordingly. Marriage shouldn't be about games but when it is, just understand what you are dealing with, get your chess set out and stay one step ahead.
 
@Farida & @NijaG
(((Hugs)))
Farida, your husband sounds very manipulative. And honestly borderline emotionally abusive IMO. Manipulators and abusers show up all kinds of ways. Sure some are aggressive peacocks, some are overtly abusive, but some show up as meek or as I’m trying so hard or it’s not my fault, you did AB&C. From where I sit your husband is trying to drive you nuts. He seems to be immature, manipulative, and very smart. I also feel that he is hiding something from you, hence the crazy talk, getting nowhere, and the one foot forward, one foot backwards situation. So long as you are in chaos or a state of confusion, you can’t get to the bottom of things. And he knows that.

I would also not assume that he is trying all that hard or that he wants a happy marriage. Really really watch his actions. Try not to fix anything. And see what he does. Be observant and trust your gut and what you are feeling. Trust Farida and be determined to be happy, loved, and safe. You deserve that. Not all of this turmoil. My therapist helped me see that sometimes abuse shows up as mental anguish. Your dh may never hit you or curse you out but it sounds like he has certainly found ways to hurt you nonetheless.

You deserve to be happy. Do what’s best for you. Life is short and you were born to live and flourish. We all suffer in this life, some is just part of life, but some suffering we have the power to resolve.

The serenity prayer speaks to this. Gather courage to do what’s best for you. Love yourself deeply. Take good care of you. Not him or even the marriage. But YOU YOU YOU. You deserve some peace and happiness.
 
NijaG said:
...
Sorry @Farida didn’t mean to derail your thread. I’m annoyed, so don’t mind me.

Please go and try to enjoy your life. Blank your husband and live for you. When his head becomes correct he can come and look for you.
Click to expand...

I just wanted to say that you didn’t derail anything. You shared some very good thoughts in your post that hopefully will help Farida and other ladies experiencing similar behavior. When I wrote my post last night I didn’t realize that I pretty much said what you said. Thank you for being so candid and open :kiss:. Wishing you the best.
 
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