Married Ladies Random Thoughts

qchelle said:
2 months have flown by. So far so good :) Honeymoon was FANTASTIC. I never ate so much food in 1wk in my life :lol: we saw a lot of black tourists, too. Dope.

Division of labor has been exactly like we agreed upon. No life threatening, deranged, wtf did i marry type ish going on....yet dun dun DUN lol

We went to va beach this past weekend. We stayed with one of his childhood friends (woman). (Random: her voice is even louder than dh's. And he loud af. I was like being around yall is like listening to a screaming match lol) So she's seperated from her husband and dating new folks. She was telling us about this new guy she's dating and its basically all just trash lol. We met him and...still trash :lol: he showed up at ELEVEN THIRTY PM, hourssss after he said he would. And she actually had sex with him, too. That night. SmhXinfinityandbeyond lol. anyway, it was a fun trip. We have wknd trips planned every other weekend until September. Yay.

We started house hunting last month. He is so picky. He's like a woman -_- its truly ridiculous. Our agent is like well make a list of must haves, nice to haves. He ain't sticking to no list! I was like I'm not making a list with your crazy a. Once he gets in the house, nothing is good enough anymore lol. Soooo we decided to build. Which, we both initially didn't want to do. But its been a month and we 'haven't found anything we like' (my a**), so yea. We found a good one, going to price stuff out tomorrow.

I still need to give people official ceremony pics...probably won't happen lmao. I sent thank you cards, which im still patting myself on the back for thank you very much :lol:
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@qchelle your post is so cute. You sound just like a newlywed - it made me smile. Keep that Spirit alive.
 
Farida said:
That’s so rough. I am sorry you are both going through this.
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Thank you! His daddy has been declining for years and doesn’t recognize any of us. He’s in hospice care now and has been close to death several times but pops right back up. It’s been a roller coaster ride emotionally for DH. I know this is awful, but I think it would be best if he went ahead and passed. He’d said many times he’d never want to live the way he’s living now: bedridden, doesn’t know where he is, doesn’t recognize his wife and children, in constant pain.
 
Dh threw his first tantrum this year today. We go to the movies, it’s sold out. He urges that I pick somewhere to eat - it’s 94 out and he doesn’t want to stand out while I decide. So I pick the first place. We get in and he’s like oh I thought you didn’t want this type of food anymore- it’s a sports bar- I let him know that he was pressuring me so I chose the first place. Then he clams up. The truth should not upset you. Now I’m sitting enjoying these cocktails and a nice steak salad and he’s off somewhere with his tantrum.
Whatever.
 
qchelle said:
We started house hunting last month. He is so picky. He's like a woman -_- its truly ridiculous. Our agent is like well make a list of must haves, nice to haves. He ain't sticking to no list! I was like I'm not making a list with your crazy a. Once he gets in the house, nothing is good enough anymore lol. Soooo we decided to build. Which, we both initially didn't want to do. But its been a month and we 'haven't found anything we like' (my a**), so yea. We found a good one, going to price stuff out tomorrow.
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We signed our contract this week and will be going to underwriting soon. Ryan homes build process is really stupid. They need to do a lessons learned or something so they can improve their process. Anyway. Our est completion date is dec 1. I've been on pinterest lol.

Now we in the process of getting a few things fixed in our current house. We want to rent it out. Our neighbor just moved and is renting his out. Lots of people have been coming to look at it. However, it is summer time...
 
@PeaceLover my heart goes out to you. Having a baby is hard and dealing with everything that comes along with that is even harder. Your hormones are all over the place, your body needs a chance to heal, you're not getting a full night's rest, the family dynamics have changed and you're trying to figure out how to take care of this new, little human. I hope the two of you will find common ground during this time.
 
@PeaceLover

Don’t quote my post. DH and I had the biggest fights right after the baby was born. I had the baby blues and he would criticize me for being so “weepy.” We fought so bad my mom tried to get involved which she never does. It wasn’t until I started pumping milk and let him watch the baby all night that he backed off.

A lot of men start to act pissy and childish when a baby is born. Truth is they are used to being the center of attention and are not used to sharing you. They don’t understand what PP hormones do to you and the toll being a new mom takes.

They say the first 1-2 years after having a baby are super rough on marriages and that many women hate their husbands during that time. I wish more people would be open about it.
 
@PeaceLover I hate hearing about husbands who don't treat their wives well during or after pregnancy. It's such a vulnerable time for a woman and you don't need the extra stress. Stay with your parents for as long as you feel you need to. Hopefully someone will counsel your husband as to how he should be behaving and he will straighten up.
 
@PeaceLover
(((Hugs))) He has invited people over before without discussing with you hasn’t he? And he has repeatedly said that he admires women who have babies, work, and hold everything down. Not saying any of this is worth your time discussing or arguing about. But please take note. It seems he is telling you his truth re wanting to invite whomever he wants whenever he wants and wants you to be more super woman ish. Take note, listen, pay attention. And do whatever is best for you, whatever that may be. Take care of yourself and your little newborn. Congrats and best of luck to you.
 
hopeful said:
@PeaceLover
(((Hugs))) He has invited people over before without discussing with you hasn’t he? And he has repeatedly said that he admires women who have babies, work, and hold everything down. Not saying any of this is worth your time discussing or arguing about. But please take note. It seems he is telling you his truth re wanting to invite whomever he wants whenever he wants and wants you to be more super woman ish. Take note, listen, pay attention. And do whatever is best for you, whatever that may be. Take care of yourself and your little newborn. Congrats and best of luck to you.
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He hasn’t invited people over without asking me before, but he does talk about how much he admires the superwoman like thing. And it’s so annoying. I’ve told him about it before & I was taken back that it came up with this particular situation. Thank you!

His mama did/does the superwoman thing & he expects that from everyone. Even though it’s clear how much she resents his dad for it. Also, she sided with him & said “she should be able to at least wash clothes because that’s not too strenuous” smh that’s why he thought he was in the right initially. I had some words for her, but I don’t want to make this post too long lol
 
@PeaceLover

You are back home so I will scrap what I was going to say.

However, he has a certain mindset n expectation of wives/mothers due to his upbringing. This issue will crop up again and again in one form or the other until properly addressed.

Take care of your mental, emotional and overall health n well-being.

If he doesn’t want to do housework then he should help domestic help. If possible get a live in nanny for at least a few months.
 
NijaG said:
@PeaceLover

You are back home so I will scrap what I was going to say.

However, he has a certain mindset n expectation of wives/mothers due to his upbringing. This issue will crop up again and again in one form or the other until properly addressed.

Take care of your mental, emotional and overall health n well-being.

If he doesn’t want to do housework then he should help domestic help. If possible get a live in nanny for at least a few months.
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No, please share your honest thoughts! How do I properly address it?
 
I’m going to share the words I said to his mom because I want yall input. After the argument, she called me talking about how men are and tried to come to me “woman to woman” about keeping the peace in my house. I politely told her “I’m not in the mood to talk, but let me tell you that you need to stay out my marriage and worry about your own marriage” she took offense to it and told him. He told me I owe her an apology (this was before came to my parents house) and I told him that she owes me an apology for getting in the middle of my marriage. I also told him “as a woman who has had 3 kids she should know the toll that it takes and just because her husband wasn’t supportive, she should’ve raised her son to have more empathy.”

He believes she was trying to be the “peace-keeper” but I told him “no, she was trying to make sure you got what you wanted, even if it was at my expense” I know he doesn’t see it my way now...he’s just going along with me to keep the peace.

His family thinks he spoils me, which he does financially, but he needs to be more emotionally supportive. They think because I don’t have to work, I should be grateful and do whatever he asks of me. Umm no.
 
PeaceLover said:
No, please share your honest thoughts! How do I properly address it?
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I’m going to preface my advice with a few facts about me......

1) I’m Nigerian and sometimes the way married naija couples fight and what they can say to each other might send the average American couple straight to the madhouse or divorce court.
2) I’ve been married for less than 5yrs. Two kids with DH
3) I got married mid/late 30’s because my tolerance level dealing with men (especially naija) men and their BS was quite low.

Take what is meaningful, leave the rest.
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Your DH grew up seeing his mother put up with some sort of crap from her own DH. Apparently from what you wrote she is still attending to her DH needs even though she is resentful towards him. She made herself a martyr.

So your DH’s main married female figure in his life growing up, put his father and her children’s needs way above hers and she didn’t receive and/or demand reciprocity.

Seems the men are Takers and believe the only thing they have to provide/give in a marriage is their money. This then entitles them to get whatever they want from the women they have chosen to “provide” for.
 
@PeaceLover

Cont’d...... (sorry, I fell asleep, lol)

My reaction to what your DH was saying to you (basically trying to compare you to Mom and putting you down) would have been similar to what you did. Leaving with the baby, but only because your baby is too young. If he/she was about 3-4 months when this happened, I would have left the baby with him.

I would have said a few dramatic things to him (naija style) before the above, but I’m trying to keep this short.

I would have stayed a few weeks at my family’s place, while telling him that he needs to think about the kind of wife he really wants. That maybe you are not it. You grew up (I’m assuming) in a household where the women are taken care of and not expected to work themselves to death, just because the man is providing money. You are not in the mood to deal with any passive aggressive behavior towards you at any point in time.

I’ve a whole bunch of stuff, but I think u get the gist.

Honestly, my DH pulled some stupid ish when the babies got here and I had enough and let him know that I’m okay with co-parenting, I don’t have time for his selfish and entitled BS due to his personal issues and upbringing. I don’t like stress at this stage of my life. Leave me alone or act right period. He’s been acting right, we are not perfect, but men need to shocked out and given space to process the consequences of their stupid and entitled actions. Your DH’s mom is going to support her son, like u said his family think u r spoilt and she may have some underlining emvy towards you.
 
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