Married Ladies Random Thoughts

@melahnee I am super excited to know that you and the baby are doing well! No morning sickness or anything.........the baby is just chillin..........for now :). I'm glad you were able to find a job that is less hazardous to the two of you. Things sound like they took a turn for the better and I'm happy that you are happy. I don't know how we are going to pull it off but we need to plan an E-Baby Shower!

Thanks for sharing the ultrasound pic; the baby is going to be a cutie. Please rest as much as possible and take care of yourself. Congratulations again to you and DH!!
 
CafedeBelleza said:
I told dh he doesn’t do the small things.
He said I don’t acknowledge the big things and then he listed them and it’s true.
I cannot see these things because all my energy goes into trying to be positive about my job. Then I get home and it’s just whatever.
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Don't feel too bad. Many wives are guilty of this very same thing. We expend so much energy at work that by the time we get home we are mentally and physically exhausted. But you have to find a happy balance because DH needs you too. It's not fair to give your job the best parts of you and DH gets whatever is left. Communicate to him what you need when you get home to help you switch gears (30 minutes to yourself, a glass of wine when you walk through the door, have your bath drawn, have some nice music on, etc) so that you can give him what he needs.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@Miss617........

Hey Sweet Pea, just wanted to know how you are doing these days? I hope things are going ok.
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Thank you for checking on me. You are very sweet.

Things have been kind of up and down, but we're trying. I have some things I need to work through and he does too. My major challenge right now is balance and having time for my son while still working and going to school. His is working toward a career change. We'll see what happens.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
Don't feel too bad. Many wives are guilty of this very same thing. We expend so much energy at work that by the time we get home we are mentally and physically exhausted. But you have to find a happy balance because DH needs you too. It's not fair to give your job the best parts of you and DH gets whatever is left. Communicate to him what you need when you get home to help you switch gears (30 minutes to yourself, a glass of wine when you walk through the door, have your bath drawn, have some nice music on, etc) so that you can give him what he needs.
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I think I’m going to seriously pursue a different role at work, or find a new job
 
Miss617 said:
Thank you for checking on me. You are very sweet.

Things have been kind of up and down, but we're trying. I have some things I need to work through and he does too. My major challenge right now is balance and having time for my son while still working and going to school. His is working toward a career change. We'll see what happens.
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You have a full plate and it will all come together. I'm relieved that you two have found a groove that is some what comfortable to both of you. Going through what you are going through is a stress of it's on and I was hoping it didn't overwhelm you. Don't know why I was worried because you are a tough lady but I was worried nonetheless.

It is very good to hear from you. Keep hanging in there Momma.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
You have a full plate and it will all come together. I'm relieved that you two have found a groove that is some what comfortable to both of you. Going through what you are going through is a stress of it's on and I was hoping it didn't overwhelm you. Don't know why I was worried because you are a tough lady but I was worried nonetheless.

It is very good to hear from you. Keep hanging in there Momma.
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You are too sweet. :bighug:Some days have been easier than others and I didn't always know which way was up and which way was down. A lot went into my initial decision to leave and just as much went into deciding to stay. If it works out, great! If not, at least I gave it a fair shot. But I know the problems we have did not crop up overnight and they won't go away overnight either. I'm just trying to trust the process and trust that whatever happens is for the best.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@melahnee I am super excited to know that you and the baby are doing well! No morning sickness or anything.........the baby is just chillin..........for now :). I'm glad you were able to find a job that is less hazardous to the two of you. Things sound like they took a turn for the better and I'm happy that you are happy. I don't know how we are going to pull it off but we need to plan an E-Baby Shower!

Thanks for sharing the ultrasound pic; the baby is going to be a cutie. Please rest as much as possible and take care of yourself. Congratulations again to you and DH!!
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Funny because my baby was so active during the ultrasound. My body is adjusting to it well or something!
Yes, thank God I found this new job. Im not starting until January which Im also happy about. Id rather not start on such a busy season like New Years.
An e-baby shower..I love that idea. :love4: and an e-gender reveal too :laugh:
Thanks again for the congrats. I just want to meet my baby already!! I'll be sure to show lots more pics!!:love2:
 
I am not sure what to do next.

DH says he is afraid my illness has changed me but truth be told we had issues before I got sick. My illness has made me tired and less willing to tolerate stress because stress makes me sicker. My illness has made DH desperately want to do anything and everything to keep me safe, bordering on controlling me .

DH is an INTJ and those types can be overbearing at times and difficult to
argue with. He is very much a logic man and tries to fight emotion. But one can only hide emotions for so long. He swallows them and tries to hide and drown them out.

He is very passive aggressive now. One of my biggest complaints right now is he is playing the victim/martyr and also shutting me out. He always assigns motives to even my most benign actions. If I do laundry and don't fold it becomes, "If you didn't feel like doing laundry you shouldn't have put the clothes in the machine and not fold them to prove your point..." WTH? It cannot possibly be that I forgot the clothes were in the dryer or I am wiped out from a long day of work and medical appointments.

For a long time he took the stance that if we were at an impasse with a disagreement/problem it was "his problem and he would just have to suck it up. Something I said was damaging and a bad idea for our relationship. Nothing is new. Couples who'd been through it could help us. But nope...

He refuses to open up to anyone about any problems. And it is getting difficult to even have a simple conversation. For example we were at a work party and he wanted me to save him some food since he needed to go to an appointment. I asked him to just go ahead and serve and I would keep the food for him. But he kept giving reasons why not. So finally I just told him to let me know what he wantdc to eat and I would save him some. And his response is "If you don't want to do it you don't have to." And he leaves, and I can tell he is upset. Why assume that my suggestions/questions means I am trying to get out of helping you? So I got him food anyway because I know he'd hold on to this and be pissed.

Then whenever I say I want to do X.Y. Z he says, "whatever you want." And I ask, "You have no opinion?" And his answer is still "whatever you want." But then when I do "what I want..." he gets mad at me. Or starts to try and direct me to another option. So obviously he had an opinion. So why not state it?

In retrouvaille I shared some of my frustrations with him and how it made me feel. And he said he was sorry and he did not want me to feel that way. So what is his solution? Withdrawal. Isolating his thoughts, words and feelings from me. Everything is "whatever you want." And he is wallowing in self-pity now. Saying he is a horrible person and now that I have finally realized that I am going to leave him. WTH? I have never said he is horrible and have told him I am not going anywhere. I just want us to work on communication. And then he does everything under the sun for me and complains it is not enough. I am like dude, I want the communication. I don't say it as bluntly but I say in a very nice way that without emotional intimacy it is difficult to make the actions mean more. I am an adult. I am more than capable of buying myself gifts and doing things for myself. What makes that special from a DH is when combined with emotional intimacy. The gifts and actions are empty without it. It's like he expects the gifts to make up for the other stuff.

But this whole swallowing of his feelings, passive aggressiveness and martyrdom is driving me nuts. So he is barely talking to me or interacting with me to "spare me from him." At first I felt sad for him but now I am getting pissed off. Because this martyrdom is preventing him from examining his behavior and motivations. It allows him to maintain " I do everything for you and you don't appreciate me..."

Counseling, retrouvaille or whatever can only work if you apply yourself. At some point you have to be willing to open up yourself, own your shortcomings and make changes.

He seems so ashamed and embarrassed to share our problems with others who can help. Dude. At retrouvaille the men who led the sessions told some CRAZY stories. If they could do that I don't see why our "petty in comparison" issues are not something he can share. In private. Not even in front of others. But nope.

He is a good man. I have known him for more than a decade. He has a kind heart and loves to help people. But this behavior is killing US. If we got passed it things would be back to awesome. I hear people leave relationships and it is often for some crazy stuff. But if he just opened up.

If it weren't for us being in expensive as hell CA I would have left for a bit and told him what he needs to do to regain "us." I feel like moving out would force the issue since his family and friends would be asking "what happened?" and he would be forced to either lie or SHARE for once. Ugh

He is actually encouraging me to take unpaid leave soon for my health which is awesome. But for my treatment I cannot move back home out of state or overseas. I have to stay put for now.

There's other very legit reasons I won't leave but don't wanna share on the interwebs just yet lest the LHCFBI comes for me/us. LOL
 
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@Farida
I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you are experiencing all of this. The one piece of advice I would give is to take a step back and really observe his behavior. Don’t listen to anything he says. Ignore his words, even his (introverted, sweet, holding in feelings) personality. Watch his behavior. I say that because the rest is confusing you because everything isn’t lining up. And focus on you. Honestly he is confusing and that makes you have to work too hard on figuring him out and the relationship out. Not fair.

Focus on you and your health. And fall back a bit and observe. You do not have to fix anything. Relationships are co-adventures. You can’t steer a boat with one oar and it’s not fair for you, and being sick too, to have to control both oars while he is sitting back confused and all over the place.

Your health and wellbeing is what matters most. Focus on that for now. You’re going to go crazy trying to figure him out. Yes, stay put, get your treatment, and get better okay :kiss:.
 
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locabouthair said:
DH has been breaking down lately over the death of his dad. I know it’s very hard with the holidays being here but besides listening and trying to comfort him I wonder if there’s something else I can do.
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My aunt passed away this year. The thing that I needed most from my husband was what he gave me..support. Just being there to listen and hold me as I cried meant so much to me.
 
locabouthair said:
DH has been breaking down lately over the death of his dad. I know it’s very hard with the holidays being here but besides listening and trying to comfort him I wonder if there’s something else I can do.
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There's not, unfortunately. At least from my experience. I went through the same thing with my DH last year when my FIL passed. All you can do is be there but beyond that, he'll grieve the way he needs to grieve. I know that's probably not what you wanna hear and I don't say that to be mean or anything, but just from dealing with it with my DH, just listening and being there is all you can do.
 
Miss617 said:
There's not, unfortunately. At least from my experience. I went through the same thing with my DH last year when my FIL passed. All you can do is be there but beyond that, he'll grieve the way he needs to grieve. I know that's probably not what you wanna hear and I don't say that to be mean or anything, but just from dealing with it with my DH, just listening and being there is all you can do.
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Thank you. Not not mean at all. How's your DH doing now with his grief? They say you never get over losing a parent.

futureapl said:
My aunt passed away this year. The thing that I needed most from my husband was what he gave me..support. Just being there to listen and hold me as I cried meant so much to me.
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Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss.

@Miss617
 
@locabouthair He has his days. It will be two years in February and sometimes when he's down for what seems like no external reason, it's usually because he's thinking of him. I know it's hard for him sometimes when he's with our son because my FIL didn't get a chance to meet him, so my DH will say he would have loved him or he'll do something that his dad did with him. When that happens, I just listen, or I ask him to tell me a story about him so he can remember good times.
 
I focused on taking care of myself and let DH do “whatever he wants.” Maybe with Christmas coming up and knowing we were going to be around perceptive friends and family he stopped being so introspective and withdrawn. I think he even contemplated skipping the visits/events but realized it would draw questions...We still have a lot to work through but at least he is not so withdrawn anymore.

But I am still so over trying to read minds so I will not make myself sick over such behavior.
 
I feel terribly but Christmas was a bust on my end this year. I’m trying so hard not to be depressed that DH believes it. We’re not on the same page at all. We blew up at each other last night and retreated to our corners. I asked how did he think I should feel toting a decaying baby inside of me but plastering a smile on my face for everyone’s benefit?

So Christmas 2017 kind of sucked.
 
IslandMummy said:
I feel terribly but Christmas was a bust on my end this year. I’m trying so hard not to be depressed that DH believes it. We’re not on the same page at all. We blew up at each other last night and retreated to our corners. I asked how did he think I should feel toting a decaying baby inside of me but plastering a smile on my face for everyone’s benefit?

So Christmas 2017 kind of sucked.
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:bighug:
 
IslandMummy said:
I feel terribly but Christmas was a bust on my end this year. I’m trying so hard not to be depressed that DH believes it. We’re not on the same page at all. We blew up at each other last night and retreated to our corners. I asked how did he think I should feel toting a decaying baby inside of me but plastering a smile on my face for everyone’s benefit?

So Christmas 2017 kind of sucked.
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Hugs mama
 
IslandMummy said:
I feel terribly but Christmas was a bust on my end this year. I’m trying so hard not to be depressed that DH believes it. We’re not on the same page at all. We blew up at each other last night and retreated to our corners. I asked how did he think I should feel toting a decaying baby inside of me but plastering a smile on my face for everyone’s benefit?

So Christmas 2017 kind of sucked.
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I am so sorry @IslandMummy. That loss is a hurt no one can ever understand. Feel however you want to feel. Don't pretend for others because that will only delay the grieving process or cause you to blow up at a later time. We are always thinking of others but give yourself permission to be selfish and take care of your emotional well-being. If that means being sad and depressed for a couple of days, that is okay. Your DH will support you.

:bighug:
 
Dee-Licious said:
@IslandMummy you we are right to admit how you feel because holding it in will only cause more pain in the future.

Day by day. Are you open to speaking with someone about grief?
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Not at the moment. I REALLY would like to hurry up and have the D/C but I’m low priority on the surgery list unless I start hemorrhaging.

That’s what makes this time suck so much, I still look pregnant, and my numbers are still high enough to mimick symptoms. It’s a constant battle to remind myself that I am not actually pregnant anymore.
 
IslandMummy said:
Not at the moment. I REALLY would like to hurry up and have the D/C but I’m low priority on the surgery list unless I start hemorrhaging.

That’s what makes this time suck so much, I still look pregnant, and my numbers are still high enough to mimick symptoms. It’s a constant battle to remind myself that I am not actually pregnant anymore.
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If I may ask, how far along were you?
 
Bad&Bougee said:
If I may ask, how far along were you?
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Baby stopped developing in the first trimester but the placenta is still in there doing it’s thing. Last time I miscarried naturally and I’ve had bouts of bleeding but nothing noteworthy this time. I’ve been exercising vigorously to see if I can get anything started but it just makes me nauseous and sleepy.

I hate being in limbo.
 
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