Married Ladies Random Thoughts

divachyk said:
@locabouthair, thank you for asking. I don't know which is worse, seeing the daily struggles of cancer or being without him. Both hurt beyond explanation. I'm not the same me I use to be and will never be. The magnitude of my loss, no one will ever comprehend. Some days feel unbearable while others feel extremely challenging but painfully doable. The holidays definitely brought on another layer of grief. I'm in group and one-on-one counseling. I'm just trying to get through the days....
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So sorry to hear about your hubby. I know it has to be indescribable but I hope all the memories of him help you smile when you are sad.:bighug::bighug:
 
Dee-Licious said:
@Farida thanks for sharing. How was the weekend?
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Man...a lot went down. LOL. I have more to share (will do later) but in summary I think the post-sessions shall be the bulk of where we work on things.

But there are couples who showed up on Fri who drove separately. They were not living together anymore. Some had not talked to each other in a year. There was even a couple who’d already been divorced for THREE years!

Some couples fought and left on Friday night. One woman threatened to leave on Saturday night. Discussions are private between couples but she put theirs on blast and asked us to tell her why she should stay.

Sunday morning I notice these couples sitting together, holding hands, laughing. Complete change in body language. I could SEE the transformation.

The couples who led the sessions were so open and honest with some INSANE stories. Like man, if you are still together and you can even talk about it...I feel like if I need to forgive and forget something I cannot talk about it. Even the husbands were crying talking about their roles in the breakdown of their marriages. Strong, manly men.

Some of those stories had me choked up. I don’t cry for “This is Us” like many people do but I was holding back tears listening to these couples.

There was a black couple there that cracked me up. Sharing was optional but they kept sharing and they were so funny. The husband was like, “divorce is not an option.”

We have a lot of work ahead of us in the weekends to come. But what I saw there, I think it is worth trying.
 
Farida said:
Man...a lot went down. LOL. I have more to share (will do later) but in summary I think the post-sessions shall be the bulk of where we work on things.

But there are couples who showed up on Fri who drove separately. They were not living together anymore. Some had not talked to each other in a year. There was even a couple who’d already been divorced for THREE years!

Some couples fought and left on Friday night. One woman threatened to leave on Saturday night. Discussions are private between couples but she put theirs on blast and asked us to tell her why she should stay.

Sunday morning I notice these couples sitting together, holding hands, laughing. Complete change in body language. I could SEE the transformation.

The couples who led the sessions were so open and honest with some INSANE stories. Like man, if you are still together and you can even talk about it...I feel like if I need to forgive and forget something I cannot talk about it. Even the husbands were crying talking about their roles in the breakdown of their marriages. Strong, manly men.

Some of those stories had me choked up. I don’t cry for “This is Us” like many people do but I was holding back tears listening to these couples.

There was a black couple there that cracked me up. Sharing was optional but they kept sharing and they were so funny. The husband was like, “divorce is not an option.”

We have a lot of work ahead of us in the weekends to come. But what I saw there, I think it is worth trying.
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Sounds interesting! :)

Glad to hear that you see worth in trying to work things out! Can't wait for you to share more about the program and how / what changed?
 
I pray peace and resolution in all your married lives. My heart is heavy today as I just found out a classmate of mine lost her hubby. I had just wished them a Happy anniversary and the next day she lost her hubby she had in her life almost 30 years. Just so disheartening to hear. It just really puts so much in perspective when dealing with relationships.
 
I am praying for all of you whether you are experiencing the calm or the storm. Take care of you. You are a gift to the world and your spouses.

@divachyk I know your husband loved you so much that he is looking over you and wanting you to take care of yourself. I hate that suffering is pointless and blind. But I know that love transcends the flesh. Just keep holding on....
 
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Went to 1&2 retrouvaille post session. There were at least two legally separated couples there who said it has gotten them talking and dating each other again. One couple actually FLIES in for sessions. The next one in their area was in Feb or something and they didn’t think their marriage would make it.

One couple called off their divorce; skipped their court hearing.

One couple this weekend were not doing so hot and resorted to yelling at each other in front of everyone (which goes against the rules).

Guys tend to struggle because beyond reconnecting it is mainly about learning communication skills and sharing and respecting feelings. But the lead couples encourage “trusting the process.” That it will all soon fall into place.

DH is trying so I commend him for it but at the same time I feel like he often finds some of it pointless or does not understand it. There are many retrouvaille alumni all over the world and they open themselves up and say we can reach out to them. But DH is super stubborn and does not want to share our issues with anyone. I hoped after hearing some of the drama the other couples had (woo...chile...); stuff that makes our ish feel petty as hell that he would feel more inclined to share but nope.

Some of the things the lead couples have shared, especially the men takes a lot of balls, humility and honestly God to put out there...especially years after...and it is painful. The couples often cry as they present their pieces. And they do this over and over to help other couples. I really hoped that would inspire him to open up to them but nope.

He feels a deep shame and I think it comes
from other issues from his childhood he has not dealt with. I cannot fix those things and he won’t share so I don’t know.

I have noticed him doing more around the house without me having to ask and also he is being less critical of me which helps a lot.

But in retrouvaille they say it did not take
one or two days to get here so it won’t take one or two days to undo.

The process is intentionally vague to encourage couples to try. Lots of people may not have gone if they heard the detailed plan. But I am seeing it work tremendously for many couples.

I guess our process is a bit different since we still live together, we still talk, we don’t really have the animosity or depth of problems the other couples have. For many of them it was a huge step to just get them talking, laughing and being romantic again.

We don’t really need that. We need more help in working through some issues which is why the post sessions are going to be more worthwhile for us. Especially once we
get into the conflict areas in some of the later sessions.
 
qchelle said:
Any of y'all have problems with communication yourself? Or know couples where the woman is the one with poor communication skills?
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I definitely have had to work on my communication skills. I hate to argue so when we were dating, whenever I would get upset about something, I would just go home. After we started living together, I would give him the silent treatment. I've gotten a lot better about talking about what's bothering me.
 
qchelle said:
Any of y'all have problems with communication yourself? Or know couples where the woman is the one with poor communication skills?
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Yes. I've gotten much better after 16 years, but still need a lot of work. When I would get mad I would do passive aggressive stuff like slam doors, stomp around the house, roll my eyes, give one word answers, etc... My husband isn't someone who likes to scream and yell. He prefers for us to sit down and talk it out calmly. He also doesn't like to dwell on things. I, on the other hand, like to dwell on things, wallow in self pity and make snide remarks. In other words, I can be childish. I'm trying to get better.
 
Communication is one of the most difficult things for a husband and wife to master. I used to be passive aggressive AND give the silent treatment. "How did I do both" you might ask? I would go on about my life as if my husband was not alive. I would be having a grand time. Every television show was funnier, my phone conversations were extra loud and hilarious. Everything was extra at the very same time that I was ignoring him and his presence. I could go on like this for weeks. Terrible. As time evolved and I matured, I learned effective communication. I can have an intelligent conversation without yelling, cursing or fighting. I have also learned to accept my faults and actions and allow him to feel how he feels. I think more than anything, I had to let him be a Cancer. He is very sensitive and leads with emotion but my Gemini and can eat him alive so I had to learn to soften and check into my emotional side.

We are much, much better but it took almost 15 of our 20 years to get there LOL!!

@qchelle, what is your issue with communication?
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@melahnee, we need some updates on you and the baby!!
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Thank you for checking up on me @Bad&Bougee !!:bighug:
Everything is going good! My baby is perfectly healthy so far and I will be 12 weeks on friday. I have very little to no symptoms. Waiting on a bump to start forming because most days, I feel like I'm not even pregnant! lol! Was bloated in the very beginning, but that has calmed down. No morning sickness, not toooo tired, nothing really. It's so much nothing that I'm feeling that I was worried and got yet another ultrasound, and got such a great pic of my baby(I attached a pic but I will delete it later..)(don't quote plz). Baby was waving, moving, just going crazy. It was beautiful :2inlove:
Should be finding out if I'm having a boy or girl very soon, hopefully. Trying to "get used" to this-- I feel it will probably hit me hard when I start to pop due to having little to no symptoms. I'm just ready to know the gender already!!:baby2:

I got a new job at a different casino out here due to not wanting to work around so much cigarette smoke and drunk people like my old job. I also was looking bloated in my dress for a couple weeks, lol. Husband got a great new job..making so much more than he used to. Soon, we will move so I can be even closer to my mom. She is so excited and just wants to be around me and help me. She will also be a free babysitter when the time comes that I need one. :laugh:
I was a little stressed out when I found out I was pregnant and I'm so glad that time is over. I feel like God has really Blessed me and everything has come together quite nicely!:grouphug2:
 
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