Married Ladies Random Thoughts

[hopeful]

There is so much wisdom in your post.

I wish you the best @hopeful.

Thank you so much. I appreciate that and I appreciate you.

@hopeful You seem like you've grown so much over the past few years so I'm excited for you, even though I know divorce sucks. You have an opportunity to live life on your own terms and if you choose to get into another relationship you'll know exactly what to look for.

How did your ex handle the divorce?

He was not happy at all. Like you said, I have changed so much. I think he was banking on me staying the same. He had it good for a very long time. I was so sweet, naive, and accommodating. Far too patient and self-sacrificing. He initially tried to make it very difficult for me to leave but he was no match for the new me.

And leaving was very hard for me in the beginning. I loved him very much. No one is all bad or all good. People and situations aren’t black and white. But it is up to us to decide when we’ve had enough, when a person’s shade of gray is far too dark.

Throughout the divorce I grew stronger. I was determined to save myself. I also gathered lots of support along the way. I stepped out in faith, trusted the Universe to guide me, asked for help and listened to those who were wiser and/or more experienced than me, hired good professional help, strategized, and learned how to fight for me. I discovered the Divine within me as well. I ignored anyone who tried to hold me back or make me doubt myself. I learned how to finally make me my number one priority.

The person he married was different from the person who plotted to leave him was different from the person I am now. Oftentimes we think we cannot do things because we can’t see how much we will change or how much support and guidance we will get along the way. It takes a lot of courage and faith to change our lives and circumstances.

And you are right, I finally get to live my life on my own terms, that is the best gift of all.

Wishing you all the best @hopeful. Thank you for all the wisdom you have shared with us.

Thank you so much and it has been my pleasure to share what I know and learn. I have also learned so much from everyone here. I learn from those who are doing well and those who are struggling. There are messages and nuggets of wisdom all around us all of the time.

 

[locabouthair]

Hey @locabouthair. I've been a bit embarrassed to update... Putting things on hold as far as the separation. It wasn't really fair to my husband that I came out with it the way I did, so I said we could see how things go over the next couple of weeks and as we get DS ready for school. I think the end result will be the same as I don't feel much of anything even with some of the changes he's been making, but I could be wrong. Most days we are cordial and do not feel like a married couple, but I think that's because I pretty much have my mind made up. I also told him I didn't think there would be any coming back from this if we did officially separate, so I want to be absolutely sure that I'm making the right decision and not just acting out of frustration and impulse.

No need to be embarrassed. Yes I think it's best to take time to be sure it's what you want to do.

 

[hopeful]

No need to be embarrassed. Yes I think it's best to take time to be sure it's what you want to do.

Agreed. Please don’t be embarrassed @Miss617. You are among friends and women who believe in marriage, family, and love. We get it and understand how hard it is to let go. Take your time and take good care of you. We are here for you.

 

[Sosoothing]

Aww...
@Miss617
I hope you know you are an inspiration to many. Lots of women lurk and don't post. Many feeling stuck. It helps to read from women deciding not to accept subpar relationships. Like @hopeful pointed out too, things like this unfold over a period of time. Nothing wrong with taking your time and making sure you are doing what's best for you ((hugs)).

 

[Miss617]

@locabouthair @hopeful @Sosoothing Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I had been debating about whether to update because I was initially very gung ho about my decision and had already started to mentally prepare myself for what it would entail. Despite my complaints about my husband, he has supported me through a lot and I am grateful for it. Still, at this stage in my life, as I look toward my future and how I'm progressing, I know that waiting for him to catch up will lead to resentment on his or my part. That's not to say that I hadn't hoped we could grow and build together because I did. But he's in pretty much the same place he has been since we started dating and that's unacceptable to me. I didn't realize that at 18, but I sure do now at 29.

 

[hopeful]

@Miss617
How could you have known at 18? You were so young. Do not be hard on yourself. You were doing your best at the time.

 

[divachyk]

@locabouthair, thank you for asking. I don't know which is worse, seeing the daily struggles of cancer or being without him. Both hurt beyond explanation. I'm not the same me I use to be and will never be. The magnitude of my loss, no one will ever comprehend. Some days feel unbearable while others feel extremely challenging but painfully doable. The holidays definitely brought on another layer of grief. I'm in group and one-on-one counseling. I'm just trying to get through the days....

 

[Loving]

Continue to take it one day at a time @divachyk . When you can't do that take it an hour at a time and when you can't do that, take it a minute at a time. Your DH's spirit will always be with you, giving you strength to go on.

 

[locabouthair]

@locabouthair, thank you for asking. I don't know which is worse, seeing the daily struggles of cancer or being without him. Both hurt beyond explanation. I'm not the same me I use to be and will never be. The magnitude of my loss, no one will ever comprehend. Some days feel unbearable while others feel extremely challenging but painfully doable. The holidays definitely brought on another layer of grief. I'm in group and one-on-one counseling. I'm just trying to get through the days....

(HUGS) I totally understand. We just lost my FIL to cancer two months ago and I remember the toll it took on him. It's getting difficult for us too now with the holidays. I am glad you are getting counseling! I am trying to encourage my MIL and DH to get counseling as well. Please take one it one day at a time. I am keeping you in my prayers.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

@locabouthair, thank you for asking. I don't know which is worse, seeing the daily struggles of cancer or being without him. Both hurt beyond explanation. I'm not the same me I use to be and will never be. The magnitude of my loss, no one will ever comprehend. Some days feel unbearable while others feel extremely challenging but painfully doable. The holidays definitely brought on another layer of grief. I'm in group and one-on-one counseling. I'm just trying to get through the days....

 

[Miss617]

@divachyk I am keeping you in my thoughts. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help as you grieve.

 

[IslandMummy]

@locabouthair, thank you for asking. I don't know which is worse, seeing the daily struggles of cancer or being without him. Both hurt beyond explanation. I'm not the same me I use to be and will never be. The magnitude of my loss, no one will ever comprehend. Some days feel unbearable while others feel extremely challenging but painfully doable. The holidays definitely brought on another layer of grief. I'm in group and one-on-one counseling. I'm just trying to get through the days....

 

[IslandMummy]

DH’s Company is changing insurance providers again! Just for medical it will be $569.61, really? Le sigh. Another $60 for Dental. At least it’s Cigna so it’s worth every penny.

 

[divachyk]

Continue to take it one day at a time @divachyk . When you can't do that take it an hour at a time and when you can't do that, take it a minute at a time. Your DH's spirit will always be with you, giving you strength to go on.

@Loving, exactly. Some days, seconds is all I can do. Seconds become minutes and minutes become hours. Eventually, I've made it through 24 hours. <repeat>

 

[divachyk]

(HUGS) I totally understand. We just lost my FIL to cancer two months ago and I remember the toll it took on him. It's getting difficult for us too now with the holidays. I am glad you are getting counseling! I am trying to encourage my MIL and DH to get counseling as well. Please take one it one day at a time. I am keeping you in my prayers.

@locabouthair, it's brutal. Very, very brutal. No one knows what we've been through. They only know what they've seen or what I've shared. Counseling doesn't touch the hurt and pain. It's a place where I can fully release without stressing out friends and family.

 

[divachyk]

@divachyk I am keeping you in my thoughts. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help as you grieve.

Thank you @Miss617 and @IslandMummy

Miss617, I don't need anything right now. Just keep checking on me every now and then. It's crazy how something as simple as having someone check on me has become so important since dh isn't here to check on you any more.

 

[hopeful]

Thank you @Miss617 and @IslandMummy

Miss617, I don't need anything right now. Just keep checking on me every now and then. It's crazy how something as simple as having someone check on me has become so important since dh isn't here to check on you any more.

Sending you love, hugs, and kisses. I am so happy that you were so well-loved and cared for by your dh. Hearing from you makes me so happy and sad at the same time. Thank you for updating us. You are an inspiration.

 

[momi]

I've been so nasty to DH lately... I really need to get it together.

He is in hustle mode with a new business and I feel neglected. Sigh.

 

[Taleah2009]

Thank you @Miss617 and @IslandMummy

Miss617, I don't need anything right now. Just keep checking on me every now and then. It's crazy how something as simple as having someone check on me has become so important since dh isn't here to check on you any more.

Sending you all the love... I will keep you in my prayers. Your strength is so amazing.

 

[Fotchygirl]

So much love and support in this thread!

 

[Fotchygirl]

My kids are visiting my Parents and I swear my DH has been unleashed! It's 50 shades of grey in our house! Every day after work I tell him how sad I am that they are not around and he's like "I'm not"! I think he's enjoying having me all to himself, and I blame myself because when my kids are around I shower them with lots of love and I guess he feels neglected, I just need to find the balance.

 

[Loving]

I don't understand him sometimes and I think he doesn't understand me either. It's frustrating.

 

[summertimewine]

We are looking to move to Seattle by March and I am so excited. Hard part is trying to find a job and having it line up. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know! I'm gonna make this damn dream happen y'all!!

 

[summertimewine]

@hopeful I just went back a couple pages and saw your announcement. I just wanted to let you know that your advice always truly felt like it was from your heart and what you know is right. I never felt like it had to do with you being married or not. You possess a lot of knowledge and have helped broaden my view on a lot of things. So just to say I'm so glad I e-know you and I always make sure to take time to read your posts word for word because you always drop the truth!!

You seem so kind and blessed and at peace, and I pray your life continues to give you many gifts.

If you ever need anything like support or someone to talk, you can PM me for life!!

 

[summertimewine]

@qchelle congrats on your engagement!!! Has someone asked to see your ring? The last time i was on i think you were contemplating an uncut diamond ring, is that what you ended up getting?

 

[hopeful]

Thanks @summertimewine. I feel the same way about you. Your post made me cry. You are so kind.

 

[Ganjababy]

Thanks for sharing hopeful. You have always been such a source of support on this board. I did not realize you were going though your own “thangs”

Your posts are always filled with love, positivity, and strength.

Your screen name is very fitting. I wish you all the best

 

[qchelle]

@qchelle congrats on your engagement!!! Has someone asked to see your ring? The last time i was on i think you were contemplating an uncut diamond ring, is that what you ended up getting?

Thanks! Yea, I briefly posted a pic in the rt thread. No, I went with the original jared ring I picked out: rose gold halo pave setting. Diamond is cut to the gawds lol

 

[Farida]

Ladies who are hurting or suffering

@Miss617

DH and I are at a retrouvaille weekend. Retrouvaille means “rediscovery” in French.

It is an international program run by the Catholic Church but open to married couples of all faiths, the atheist and the agnostics.

Whomever...and in true Catholic fashion there is a registration fee and then costs to cover the program are voluntary. They do an anonymous collection of money at the end of the weekend. You can give ZERO or a million. And they don’t know who gave what or who did not give anything. If you cannot afford to pay the registration fee I am sure they will waive it if you ask.

the focus is not really faith. Faith is hardly discussed. Mass is optional.

Many couples come at the brink of divorce. Several are legally separated and others have even drawn up the divorce papers. The only thing they ask is that you end any active affairs if you are going to participate, have an open mind and seek professional help if addiction, abuse and psychiatric issues are issues.

It is led by couples who have been through the program and it changed their marriages.

DH and I have had a rough year or so and I have mentally packed my bags several times. I know he loves me to death. He becomes physically ill when things are bad between us. But we have been drifting apart, falling into certain patterns and resenting each other. There is also a lot of disappointment in how I thought a lot of things would have turned out.

The initial weekend retreat is at a hotel or retreat center and focuses on rediscovering each other. Trying to get some peace and
comfort. Then we do a lot of communication/feelings exercises led by the couples and executed in private between husband and wife.

There are 6-12 post-sessions in upcoming
weekends that then delve more specifically into problem areas. I don’t know how to describe it but it is different than regular marriage counseling or seminars.

We’ve been here only a few hours Fri night. We shall be here until Sunday. So far so good. 28 couples are here from all walks of life. Young and some really OLD folks.

This program came highly-recommended to me. Apparently lots of couples leave a lot different. They call off divorces, they move back in of already separated. They rekindle lost love. We shall see.

I shall keep you posted.

 

[hopeful]

So happy for you @Farida. Enjoy every minute. What a blessing to get away and to have some support and guidance.