Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Thanks everyone. I'm a little sad because this is gonna change all the plans I've had for myself. But you know what they say: You plan, God laughs. Have to find another job when I start showing because I can't work at a Vegas nightclub as a VIP host with a pregnant belly. I'm already bloated and have gained 6 pounds but she said it's probably water weight. @Bad&Bougee I'm not sure how far along, but they made a guess of about 6 weeks. I'll find out in a few days when the blood test results come back. Now I know why I had such a bad toothache, been so hungry in the morning, have had weird cramps, am so tired, so bloated! and even started crying to people singing on youtube :lol:

@Taleah2009 Thank you so much, here's the rest of my ~~~~~baby dust ~~~~~~~ :babyg::babyb::baby2::love3:
 
syze6 said:
I'm still on my house search also. I thought I had found my house back in April just to have it snatched for dollars more. I still think about that house because I pictured myself in it and everything. I'm hoping to find one this year.

Same here one home I looked at had a price tag of $189K. Investors got it rehabbed it and now want 270K for it. Mind you the materials they rehab the homes with and appliances they put in don't add up to the extra money they put on these homes. I still believe my home is on it's way soon. You hang in there!
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We have until May to find something this time, instead of only three months like the first search so it’s a weight off of my shoulders. I put in my search perimeters and when something pops up I’ll see if it’s a good fit. It helps with the obsessive searching online for new listings.

I saw one posted for $269K that needs a new roof, floors, and has city liens and past due HOA fees that wasn’t even 1300sqft. The market is such junk down here now. And we entertained moving a bit further out but the kids would have to change schools and I’m not up for that.
 
I had a blast in San Antonio. The Marriott where my conference was held was GORGEOUS. Did the Riverwalk but didn't get to the art museum. I saw some lovely houses, too, though most of them were a bit small for my tastes. But compared to here, they were super affordable. Shoot, might have to see if I can talk my DH into moving down there...
 
guyaneseyankee said:
What is the purpose of marriage? If we're not having children, why are we married?
People always say "Marriage is work"
I want to be happy. Not unhappy. Why are people unhappy in marriage, and working at it. Shouldn't love and joy be natural if you are with the one you love. WTH are we working at?
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Those are good questions. I think you have to create your own happiness. But sometimes we think that...I will be happy if I only had...xyz. But truly the happiness is all inside of you. Love and joy is natural if you create it and it's inside of you. Then when you meet the right person, that happiness is even greater because if you think of it like me *for the point of having kids* I know I have a chance at generational success.
 
I am a complete and utter hot freaking mess. I clearly needed more time away because I've just been like :drunk: :spinning: since I got back. Mentioned moving to DH yesterday (and he agreed about eventually having to leave Boston) but today I'm like nope, nope, I need to ask for a separation and figure out what I want cuz right now I'm feeling like this isn't it. What is wrong with me??
 
Dee-Licious said:
????
What did you do?
Are you okay?
Do you have a plan?
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I told my husband I was unhappy. He said then there's no point in him staying because that was his only job was to keep me happy. I said maybe we could try counseling but he said it seems like I had my mind made up. I wasn't speaking from a place of anger or anything. We didn't have a bad day. But I knew before I went to Texas that I wasn't going to be able to do this much longer. It just felt like it was time. Ultimately though... I didn't say I wanted anything. Never said separation or divorce. I was being wishy washy. But he knew.

He is going to figure out somewhere to go. We'll figure something out for DS as far as him watching him during the day when I'm at work.

I don't really know how I feel. Actually, I feel kind of sick. But I don't want to keep changing my mind and putting him through hell just because I'm not sure what I want. So I have to just ride it out and hope it passes.
 
@Miss617
(((Hugs)))
It’s just that no matter what you do you will feel crappy. If you leave your heart will break and it will be very painful. But over time you will likely feel better. If you stay and the problems don’t resolve you will continue to feel kind of crappy off and on, cyclically.

Only you know what is best. I will say again that he is tricky with his communication. He’s slippery. You wrote, “I told my husband I was unhappy. He said then there's no point in him staying because that was his only job was to keep me happy.” Idk what you can do with that. I think you are always confused because you never really know where you stand with him. He kind of double talks.

Hope you figure things out.
 
@hopeful I think at the end of the day I knew it had to happen sooner or later. A lot of things went into my decision, or lack thereof, I guess, but I've known for a while this wasn't going to last forever. Just didn't think it would happen so soon. I still wanted the happy ending but I realize that was me holding on to 18-year-old me's idealism when our relationship was anything but. He even said he thought I had only stayed this long because I thought it was the right thing to do. Who wants to admit they've spent 10 years of their life in a relationship they knew wasn't going to last?

My main concern is making sure my son is OK in all this whether we decide to go through with a separation or divorce or not. My husband and I will be OK with time, but I don't want my son to suffer while we figure it out because I know how much that sucks. I didn't want that for him.
 
Please don't quote.

My husband came to me and asked me to tell him if we were done or if I wanted to try to work it out. I let him talk and just listened. He's been suffering, I can see that he's lost weight and hasn't been eating. He said this is worse than other times we've broken up. He just looked... Defeated. Because of me.

I took a deep breath. And I told him, "We're done." He asked what's the reason. I said, "I don't love you anymore. I've been falling out of love with you for a while, and I tried to ignore it because I hoped I would fall in love with you again. There were little instances... But it wasn't enough."

He thanked me, then finished getting ready for work.

That is not the answer I wanted to give him. But... It was the answer he needed. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I had to tell him it's over so he can start to heal and move on. The truth is... There is a part of me that wants to try. But I've had these feelings enough times over the past few years to know that we would just end up here again, whether it's a month, or a year, or 10 years from now. I have to let him go because it's the right thing to do and I've done so much wrong since we've been together that he deserves this small mercy. I know the picture I've painted of him hasn't always been the best, but he was never the bad guy. I was not a saint, and I've broken his heart more times than I can count and it's because I do love him, in my way, that I'm doing this. Doesn't make it easier but... I'll have to live with it.
 
@Miss617, please don't take this the wrong way but I think you made a good decision and I'm happy for you. Regardless of how much we love our husbands, we know when it's over. It's undeniable. But, as you mentioned, we stay because we don't want to hurt them or because we feel that we owe them something. And it's good to have a conscious and not want to hurt those we love but not hurting them hurts us because we stay and allow ourselves to be miserable far longer than we should.

I've never met you but you seem to be a terrific lady and your happiness (and the happiness of DS) is what's most important. It's going to be hard and you'll question your decision but deep down I think you know you are doing what's best. I hate that your marriage has come to this (having to deal with all that comes with a separation/divorce) however, you are a survivor - you and DS will be just fine.


:bighug::bighug:
 
guyaneseyankee said:
What is the purpose of marriage? If we're not having children, why are we married?
People always say "Marriage is work"
I want to be happy. Not unhappy. Why are people unhappy in marriage, and working at it. Shouldn't love and joy be natural if you are with the one you love. WTH are we working at?
Click to expand...

@guyaneseyankee, YOU need to answer those questions and be honest about it. The truth is ugly and hurtful but placating a bad situation is just as hurtful.

Marriage is a constant compromise, give and take, but when you begin to compromise yourself it's usually the beginning of the end. Pump the brakes and find out what's really going on.
 
@Miss617, it's funny you say that because my husband and I discussed moving to San Antonio on our plane ride back! It is a wonderful city and everybody was so friendly and hospitable.

But once we got home my husband said, "You are mean as h*** when it's hot. I'm not moving!"

Good for you for having a good time. You needed it. We need to do a girls trip to San Antonio with the ladies in this thread. Just not in the summer time though! :D
 
I saw one posted for $269K that needs a new roof, floors, and has city liens and past due HOA fees that wasn’t even 1300sqft.

That is highway robbery!!!
 
Thank you so much @Bad&Bougee, especially for the sweet compliment. I was struggling with it initially but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, yes, this needs to be done. I don't think anyone can walk away from a decade-long relationship without some remorse or affection remaining and, at the end of the day, he is still the father of my child whom I love more than anything. For that alone, I'm always going to care for him. We've been talking on and off the past few days but mostly giving each other space, but I've been watching him interact with DS and I know if nothing else, he is and will continue to be a great father to our son.

Dear man that he is, in all of this, he is still worried about how *I'm* doing. He keeps checking on me and asking me about school and work because that's just who he is. However this ends... I know that we went through everything that we did for a reason. I actually saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday when I was at work that gave me pause because it not only applies to this but other things that are happening in my life. I don't even follow her, I think someone I am following retweeted it and I was just like wow.

 
Do you fall in and out of love with your spouse through out your marriage? I was telling a coworker about ebb and flow and marriage and she said no such thing.
 
@Miss617, Iyanla's tweet is so true. That's why, regardless of the situation, I am always thankful for having experienced it. Your DH is so sweet. To be worried about you and your emotional well-being just shows that the past 10 years were not fruitless. It sounds like the two of you will have a beautiful friendship. Baby steps....
 
syze6 said:
Do you fall in and out of love with your spouse through out your marriage? I was telling a coworker about ebb and flow and marriage and she said no such thing.
Click to expand...
I think within every healthy relationship, romantic or platonic, the passion ebbs and flows. That's why I've always maintained that it's important to like someone and not just love them, because some days you don't always have that passionate love for your mate.... and that's okay. Some days DH is my ace boon coon and we talk sh!t to one another all day, and some days I wanna hump him all day long and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. I never fall "out" of love with him, I never hate or have contempt for him, but realistically the passion ebbs and flows.

However, I think if it ebbs for too long or too frequently, an underlying issue is happening.
 
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