Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Ms. Tarabotti said:
@divachyk

Just checking to see how you are doing.
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Hi @Ms. Tarabotti, thank you for checking on me. I'm struggling but surviving somehow. Seconds turns to minutes. Minutes turns to hours. Eventually, I've made it through 24 hours. I return to work Monday. I have major anxiety. I haven't been to work in months because of his health. I'm not looking forward to everyone tiptoeing, not knowing what to say, saying stupid things, etc. He and I worked minutes apart. I know I will get emotional the very second I hear the sirens of a fire truck because it would be his department that would be responding to a call. Lord help me. I feel very lost and alone. I have many people in my support circle but I don't want them, I want my husband. :cry3:
 
divachyk said:
Hi @Ms. Tarabotti, thank you for checking on me. I'm struggling but surviving somehow. Seconds turns to minutes. Minutes turns to hours. Eventually, I've made it through 24 hours. I return to work Monday. I have major anxiety. I haven't been to work in months because of his health. I'm not looking forward to everyone tiptoeing, not knowing what to say, saying stupid things, etc. He and I worked minutes apart. I know I will get emotional the very second I hear the sirens of a fire truck because it would be his department that would be responding to a call. Lord help me. I feel very lost and alone. I have many people in my support circle but I don't want them, I want my husband. :cry3:
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Take care of yourself and reach out to people when you need to. And forgive the people who say stupid things. They mean well but don’t know what they should say. Sorry you have to go through this.
 
divachyk said:
Hi @Ms. Tarabotti, thank you for checking on me. I'm struggling but surviving somehow. Seconds turns to minutes. Minutes turns to hours. Eventually, I've made it through 24 hours. I return to work Monday. I have major anxiety. I haven't been to work in months because of his health. I'm not looking forward to everyone tiptoeing, not knowing what to say, saying stupid things, etc. He and I worked minutes apart. I know I will get emotional the very second I hear the sirens of a fire truck because it would be his department that would be responding to a call. Lord help me. I feel very lost and alone. I have many people in my support circle but I don't want them, I want my husband. :cry3:
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:bighug:
 
Y'all tell me if I'm tripping because I'm just like... WTF.

I told DH I had to work on an assignment for school. He's watching the kid and my mom says she'll take him to the park for a little bit, but DH said she was making it difficult because she wanted him to do a bunch of stuff first. OK, fine. That's my mom, that's just what she does.

DH gets DS dressed and he and my mom leave. Then DH just comes into the room I'm in ranting about my mom and I'm like uh huh, OK, but can you knock next time? Then he starts saying do I knock when I come into our room and I said no because it's our room. I'm using this room as an office and don't want to be disturbed. He gets all huffy and says he's going upstairs. So I go upstairs and I'm like what's your problem?

"I just need to move out, I've told you before that you make me feel like this is your house and I'm not wanted here, so I just need to go." I'm like dude, cut the melodrama. No one said this isn't your house too, but I told you I was working and that I was already struggling with the assignment, so why would you just roll up in here b****ing? I said just because we're married doesn't mean you don't still need to have manners. He says well I watched him so you could work and you gave me s*** for not knocking, like somehow that makes me ungrateful??

We've already been having a crappy couple of days and I've been doing my best to avoid him because I don't want to flip out, but I was *this* close to telling him to just get gone already. I'm tired.
 
Dee-Licious said:
@Miss617 would you have been annoyed by him not knocking if you two weren't already irritated with each other?

If he had knocked, would you have said not not wait 20 minutes or told him to come on in?
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Yes, I would have still been annoyed. It's a big pet peeve of mine, especially if I'm in the middle of something. Very jarring to have someone just burst in going off when you're trying to focus.

I would have told him to come back so I could come to a good stopping point. I ended up losing my train of thought and now I have to start over. I already told him this was going to be my most difficult assignment and he completely disregarded that.
 
@Miss617
It would hurt my feelings if my partner told me to knock first. It’s just kind of harsh. It’s not like you were in the bathroom or in the middle of a business meeting. At the same time you asked to be left alone. And he was ranting when he knew you were working on something important and needed quiet. For this situation I think you were both wrong. IMO if you need that much privacy and quiet you should lock the door or go somewhere else like the library, a park, or something.

That said, your dh’s repeated threat (and it is a threat, albeit passive aggressively) is alarming IMO. That is what I think is most concerning and something that you need to investigate. Not saying you need to interrogate him about it, but something you need to look into. A grown, adult man with a wife and young child IMO should not be constantly threatening to bounce and wanting to escape. I wish you all the best. I know this is all hard and I’m sorry that you are going through this.
 
@hopeful I can see your point. If I'm doing an interview he doesn't interrupt, so I don't know why this would be any different. But I guess, especially knowing how sensitive he is :rolleyes:, that I understand why he took it the way he did. This door doesn't lock, unfortunately, and the library is closed on Sunday. During the week that would certainly be an option, though. And this isn't the first time he's done this. He'll usually do it after he puts DS to sleep and will just sit in here on his phone not even talking or anything. Like why are you even in here? I'm busy.

Yeah, the fact that this isn't the first time he's said that is what really irks me. He's made several references to that and not wanting to be needed all the time, just wanting to be on his own. I don't say anything about it anymore because the last time I did he was all apologetic and saying no, I don't want to leave you guys, sometimes I just want to come home and relax. And I get that, I do. But he's a parent. Suck it up and deal. DS will be starting school soon, he can't keep it together until December? At this point I'm kinda like whatever, if he wants to leave that badly, he can. I don't care anymore. *ye shrug*
 
@Miss617, I think he should respect your space. If the door is closed then you obviously need that time to yourself to work. Writing is difficult and one interruption can cause a complete loss of focus. It's not too much to ask that he respects your privacy to do your job. It's sad that leaving your house in order to get peace and quiet is an option. That, to me, is unacceptable.

You all are going through a lot right now. I was praying that you two could hang in there until little man starts school but honestly, that's a whole other ball of wax too. School doesn't always alleviate the "go" factor. To me, that says you need to have a heart to heart on a day that he hasn't worked the night before and is rested and mentally prepared to have that type of conversation. Although he may say things that you do not agree with or appreciate, his feelings are his feelings. But you need to find out why he is always threatening to leave. Is that really what he wants or is it purely frustration? If frustration, he needs to not ever threaten it again unless his suitcases are already in the car.

And you brought up something interesting when you mentioned that he commented about you acting like it's YOUR house? Do you make more money than him or something? Being a writer is a big deal, is he threatned by that?

Last thing. 3rd shift is a beast. It can make a sane person insane. Is there anyway he can switch shifts so that he can realign with his Circadian Rhythm? I think you mentioned the shift differential so that you could avoid daycare? Maybe 3rd shift isn't agreeing with him?
 
@Bad&Bougee He's weird because sometimes he'll leave me alone and then other times it's like he just wants to be near me even if we're not talking. I thought it was obvious today that I really don't want to be bothered because I was stressed about this assignment. I've never had to leave before, but since we've been annoying each other lately, some semblance of peace would be nice.

You could be right about school being another issue, I've been hoping it would solve most of our problems since they seem to revolve around his not sleeping or having time for himself. To bring your last point up here, I told him once DS is in school he should ask about switching shifts since he won't need to be home during the day. He could do a 7-3 or 3-11 and it should work with my schedule and DS's. The last few times I've tried to talk to him either ended in arguments or went smoothly but accomplished nothing. I'm tired of talking, honestly. I know how he feels and I sympathize, but this is just how things have to be for now. I know that doesn't make it easier, but I thought he understood that. I'm sure it's probably frustration but if I said I wanted to leave even once, he'd accuse me of being a bad mom and not caring about our son. :rolleyes:

No, so, last year we moved into my mother's house (my childhood home) after our landlady gave us a month to move out. I don't know if I ever mentioned it here or just alluded to it. It was supposed to be temporary until we found something else but we're in a weird income bracket where we make too much for affordable housing, even counting my DSD in our household, but not enough for market rate. I just had to turn down an apartment we applied to last April because we were over the AMI. Boston housing is crazy, so we planned to stay here so we could pay off some bills and save up for our own place. I just don't know how long that's gonna take.
 
I apologize @Miss617, you did mention moving into your Mother's house in a previous post.

It still amazes me how different men and women are and how women are held to higher standards in marriage. You are absolutely right, if you even think about leaving you would most certainly be accused of being an uncaring, bad Mother. Women have the same frustrations, anxiety, lack of sleep and selfishness as men, except we aren't allowed to show it.

Time changes a lot. I'm going to continue to pray that you both hang in there until school. After your explanations, it sounds as if he is just extremely tired and in need of a break. Not that you aren't but he isn't doing as well holding it together. I think he will be the man you fell in love with when he changes shifts.

However, please don't give up on making him appreciate what a closed door means. Is it possible to purchase a locking mechanism?
 
@PrissiSippi have you met this girl before?
I think you should just have a serious talk with him and ask questions. I would really push the issue on cutting this girl off. The question is why did he lie? Is he attracted to her? Or was he venting to her? Regardless, I would be very uncomfortable. If he was flirting with her or whatever I could forgive him for that but cut all contact asap and dont ever lie to me again.

I'm sorta angry for you, lol. I don't really have mercy when it comes to things like this. My husbands done a lot of mess so I'm not gonna sit here and act like I have the ideal marriage because everyone on here knows thats faaaaar from the truth. but giving another woman attention is not something he will ever do cause he knows thats a major deal breaker for me with no questions asked. You're home taking care of your baby, tired and you could use a break. How selfish of him not to take that into consideration.
 
No worries @Bad&Bougee! I couldn't remember if I had, I know I had mentioned some foolishness with her but wasn't sure if it was that.

Yeah, I feel pretty silenced. I work and watch DS too and now I have school on top of it. But it's like I'm supposed to be Superwoman and handle it all with a smile. Nah son. That's not fair. I understand he has has his stuff that he's dealing with but I do too. Not that he would know. *Shrug*

I can go to the hardware store when I take my son to his playgroup Thursday. I appreciate the prayers. Will definitely keep you all updated.
 
hopeful said:
@Miss617
Have you guys considered moving to a less expensive area? Boston is one of the most expensive cities in the country, I think maybe even in the world.
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We talked about it before. Initially he didn't want to leave his daughter but I think now that she's older and we don't see her as much, he might reconsider. I love it here but it's just not affordable. We could probably do better outside the city, and I'm sure my boss would understand if I needed to be remote.
 
Miss617 said:
We talked about it before. Initially he didn't want to leave his daughter but I think now that she's older and we don't see her as much, he might reconsider. I love it here but it's just not affordable. We could probably do better outside the city, and I'm sure my boss would understand if I needed to be remote.
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Living in a city where you can’t afford housing is so stressful. It’s a pretty basic need to be able to rent a decent apartment or buy your own home, even it’s small. I hope you guys figure out a solution sooner than later.
 
My life ain't ish right now. My bills are paid. I am alive. But I hate my job right now.

One of the people I love most in my life has been battling an endless, painful battle with cancer.

Another is so sick but her illness will not allow her to get help.

My reason to live is facing significant health and wellness challenges I cannot handle or predict.

And nobody in the world seems to share my pain. I am surrounded but feel utterly alone.

I don't even know how I get out of bed most days. I recently faced death and as I lay in that hospital my ONLY regret was the pain my death would cause my family. That was IT. I had no sorrows about what I would miss or anything to look forward to.

My student loans have tied me down to a thankless profession.

My own body is failing me, slowly but surely.

I can't even take care of my own dog anymore...not even my cat...

And perhaps I will feel better tomorrow? I don't know.
 
:bighug:

Tomorrow is a word you used. That word has been my only saving Grace on a couple of occasions. You have been through a lot this year and, based on your post, the mental toll has now begun a physical one. But you have to hang in there @Farida.

I hope I am not being disrespectful, but I want to share this with you:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This is one of my favorites because I can truly attest to this scripture. We go through difficult, challenging, sometimes impossible, moments in our lives. We question those challenges and wonder why me. But during those challenging and seemingly impossible times you have to trust Him and know that God is working on the unseen on your behalf.

No one can truly understand what you are going through, how you feel or what you feel but that doesn't mean you aren't loved and supported. Sometimes loved ones don't know how to help and they just hope their physical presence is enough to show they care about what you are going through and that they love you with all their heart. Allow it to permeate.

It may not seem like it but I promise it will get better. It will. When you come out of this please make an extra effort to take care of YOU. We say that often in this thread but, as nurturers, we end up back to the same old, same old - taking care of everything and everybody EXCEPT ourselves. Your health will improve and your worries will lessen and as soon as they do, make Farida your new project. Nothing else matters until you get her back on track.

Now that job? I don't know what to tell you because mine has gotten on my very last nerve this year too and I am at the end of my rope. I just pray and keep my eyes and ears open because I know He will deliver me. That's all we can do. These crazy jobs has millions of women feeling the exact same way you and I do.

This too shall pass. All you have to do is get to tomorrow. We love you and will be praying for you.

:bighug:
 
Hey everybody! Not married yet, but engaged. I've only read less than half of this and its making me even more excited to spend the rest of my life with future hubby. It's also keeping me sober minded and more prayerful about my own shortcomings and struggles.

@divachyk, I'm so, so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your marriage with us. I pray for God's peace to cover you right now.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
:bighug:

Tomorrow is a word you used. That word has been my only saving Grace on a couple of occasions. You have been through a lot this year and, based on your post, the mental toll has now begun a physical one. But you have to hang in there @Farida.

I hope I am not being disrespectful, but I want to share this with you:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This is one of my favorites because I can truly attest to this scripture. We go through difficult, challenging, sometimes impossible, moments in our lives. We question those challenges and wonder why me. But during those challenging and seemingly impossible times you have to trust Him and know that God is working on the unseen on your behalf.

No one can truly understand what you are going through, how you feel or what you feel but that doesn't mean you aren't loved and supported. Sometimes loved ones don't know how to help and they just hope their physical presence is enough to show they care about what you are going through and that they love you with all their heart. Allow it to permeate.

It may not seem like it but I promise it will get better. It will. When you come out of this please make an extra effort to take care of YOU. We say that often in this thread but, as nurturers, we end up back to the same old, same old - taking care of everything and everybody EXCEPT ourselves. Your health will improve and your worries will lessen and as soon as they do, make Farida your new project. Nothing else matters until you get her back on track.

Now that job? I don't know what to tell you because mine has gotten on my very last nerve this year too and I am at the end of my rope. I just pray and keep my eyes and ears open because I know He will deliver me. That's all we can do. These crazy jobs has millions of women feeling the exact same way you and I do.

This too shall pass. All you have to do is get to tomorrow. We love you and will be praying for you.

:bighug:
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This is so true. What a beautiful post!
 
DH is going to DC this weekend. The airport he booked is an hour and a half away.
Did he really throw a tantrum because I didn't want to take him at 4AM this morning?
It's a 3 hour drive round trip and I HAVE TO WORK TODAY.
selfish!
:(

ETA
And what really makes me mad is I'm the type that wouldn't even ask him to take me, let alone get mad if he wouldn't. argh... believe me I do not feel guilty. I'm just taking in how selfish he can be at time...
 
IslandMummy said:
I did the thing you aren’t supposed to do and fell in love with a house. I’m sure we won’t get it because of how tight the market here is right now. Ugh. I’m so mad at myself.
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It’s ok. A house is a very personal decision, where you house yourself, loved ones, pets, and create beautiful memories.
 
KiangaziNyota said:
Hey everybody! Not married yet, but engaged. I've only read less than half of this and its making me even more excited to spend the rest of my life with future hubby. It's also keeping me sober minded and more prayerful about my own shortcomings and struggles.

@divachyk, I'm so, so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your marriage with us. I pray for God's peace to cover you right now.
Click to expand...

Congratulations! This is one of my favorite threads because wives definitely go through some things and we need a place to vent and share our good news. These ladies give some really great advice so please join us once you tie the knot.
 
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