Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Bad&Bougee said:
You shouldn't feel dumb about how you feel. EVER. You love someone and love is never simple. You just have to make up in your mind what's healthy for you, what's not and do your best to eliminate what is unhealthy. Sometimes what is unhealthy for us is the people we love most. You are leaving soon and this will fix itself. Let it.
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Thanks so much girl.:love4: I just feel like a teenager coming on here with all these issues all the time lol. I should be able to just run away, why is it so hard? ugh. Such a crazy year.
 
hopeful said:
If the list is long and really really bad, your love for him may be unhealthy and more like an addiction. You need to figure out who you are and what you want first and foremost. I think you are so young that you haven’t had a chance to become the strong, autonomous woman you want and need to be. Focus your attention on strengthening and healing yourself first. I would also suggest reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
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Just realized there were two books you recommended! Thanks so much @hopeful. This will definitely help me pass by this extra time I have. I hope they have copies of either one at the library.
 
I keep falling in love with him. Men are trash but he’s so special. 5 years married before 30. We understand each other and our expectations and can derive genuine mirth from seeing it done. Monogamy isn’t the thing for many in the artsy circles we’re in but I can’t think of any other way of doing it. Marriage is how we choose our family. I am so proud of the one I am creating. I just feel so blessed to know love. I went to this installation tonight that has me all in my feelings. Germans are so extreme. A few drinks, et voila!

Sending love and light to all of you.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Men need love like humans need water. I wrote before in another thread about my husbands back pain that started about last Friday. 2-3 years ago, I would have just ignored him or tried to argue that he's being a baby and to man up. I would have talked about all the pain I've endured (monthly periods, c section, gym injuries) and harped on how women are the better/stronger sex.

Now that I'm in year five of marriage, I instead gave him a day to complain. Then on day two, I bought him lidocaine patches, a back brace, drew him a hot bath in the whirlpool, kept the kids busy so he could have some quiet time, and used supportive language (all the while rolling my eyes on the inside).

The rest of the weekend he spent it telling me how loved he felt once he saw my efforts. Today he dropped off the kids, made dinner, cleaned up the house, and is planning to pick the up kids-all while singing my praises, talking about how glad he is to have me.

This marriage thing is hard, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Feed his ego and he'll support mine.
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This is where I am now. Just barely though. I'm seeing this is exactly what happens. I feed his ego and in turn he treats me better and makes me feel like a pampered princess.

But it's quite annoying to me. Maybe he's just a complainer

Last week he showed me a bump that looks like a pimple. I told him t looked like a pimple. I guess I didn't feed his ego. He went to the bowling alley and complained about that bump. Someone told him it looked like a spider bite. He went on and on about how he hopes it isn't a recluse spider bite and if it was it would be radiating with pain by now but still.

He's out of the country now. I said baby I was hoping you would have checked on us. (I'm learning from the Ro girl don't complain and don't tell him what to do. And text one sentence at a time lol) He complains to me he didn't check on us at night or the morning because his head hurts and he hasnt eaten *rolls eyes*.

When he cuts the grass...it's too hot and he feels as tho he may pass out. (But he doesn't want to pay anyone)

When he drives being cramped in the car makes him sleepy.

When he sleeps he slept with his mouth open so now his mouth is dry.

Do I really have to tend to all of his complaining is my question. He complains at least twice a day about little bitty stuff. It irks my nerves to death. I ignore it for the most part but ugh.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Do I really have to tend to all of his complaining is my question. He complains at least twice a day about little bitty stuff. It irks my nerves to death. I ignore it for the most part but ugh.
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It's not always about his "ego", sometimes it's just showing your husband love and concern for whatever it is he's telling you. There's a huge difference.

Re: your question, he likely has things about you that he tends to or even overlooks. Idiosyncrasies - we all have 'em.

Try to spend a day/week/month writing down every single thing he does for you no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, vs keeping count of how much he gets on your nerves. I did this with my DH years ago and my perception of his "ways" have been super positive ever since. I still do it sporadically for a day or a week here and there just as a reminder to myself.
 
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I was going to start a new post but decided against it because you all have never led me wrong. This is a long one so please read patiently.

My brother in law was married for 2 years (maybe more or less but not much more). They have a 5 year old and 1 year old (IDK their ages but this is close). About a year ago his wife moved out and left the kids with him. She left the kids with my brother in law because he made it clear that they were staying with him no matter what. My in laws have been trashing the girl. Grant it, she is trifling as all get out but I will get to that part later. IMO, no mother would leave their kids unless the situation warranted it. I admit, I can't stand the dude. He is a lying, manipulative, lying, con artist who lies and is more worried about appearances than getting his **** together. But, you can't think bad about your family so my in-laws, my DH included, places all blame on his wife.

(1) Some think that no matter how bad it is, she should have stayed so that the kids could have a two parent home. (2) Because she does not communicate with my in- laws anymore, my brother in-law is free to tell his side of the story at her expense. (3) He has no money, is constantly borrowing from everyone but refuses to take out child support on the wife. (4) She does not contribute financially and always cries broke. He says he doesn't want to ask her for money because he get tired of her crying broke.

I do not feel sorry for him one bit. Not. One. Bit! He is an A-hole and just because your wife left you does not warrant my sympathy. I couldn't stand him before and I can't stand him now. He has an anger/hands problem and I think that may have led to their current circumstances. IMO, if my daughter in law were to have issues with my son I would want to know about it. I know how we raised him and I would speak to him and make sure he stops and correct the behavior. His conduct as a man and a husband is a reflection of DH and I. And that is my dilemma, I want to contact my brother in-law's wife and tell her that she needs to speak to our mother in-law. My mother in-law needs to know the real story and the daughter in-law should set the record straight so that he can stop dragging her name through the mud. She is trifling as all get out but nobody can be as trifling as he is portraying her. I didn't like her from the first time I saw her and I hate I didn't speak up but I felt it wasn't my place, however, I have been quiet on numerous issues that have since caused a lot of problems.

No, I don't like her either and maybe my feelings are because I loathe my brother in-law so deeply but I really think she should let his mother know what kind of lying, liar, lying abuser he is. Can you ladies please weigh in and tell me how you would handle this? If you need more backstory, let me know.
 
@Bad&Bougee how are the kids doing in all of this? How close are you to them? They would be my main concern in all of this. As for the grown folks involved, I would stay out of it. Your in-laws probably know that their son is a jerk, but he is their son and they will always choose his side over anybody else. I doubt there is anything the wife could say that would make the situation better. Is he the youngest? Did they coddle him all of his life?
 
@Bad&Bougee
I may have misunderstood, but what is the problem you would like us to weight in on? Is it because your SIL is being bad mouthed and you want it to stop? Does she herself care? I did however catch the part about child support. Isn't that your BIL's battle? Or can extended family file too?
Again, forgive me if I misunderstood but sounds like a situation in which all one can do is sympathise. People need to stop giving your BIL money. It's enabling his laziness and irresponsibility.

I keep noticing how much you express your deep loathing for your BIL and deep dislike for your SIL.
Perhaps it's best you stay out of it because your negative feelings would prevent you from being impartial and genuinely supportive of whatever they need.
 
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mrselle said:
@Bad&Bougee how are the kids doing in all of this? How close are you to them? They would be my main concern in all of this. As for the grown folks involved, I would stay out of it. Your in-laws probably know that their son is a jerk, but he is their son and they will always choose his side over anybody else. I doubt there is anything the wife could say that would make the situation better. Is he the youngest? Did they coddle him all of his life?
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I'm not really close to the kids because of the parents. Whenever I do see them, they appear happy and unaware of the travesty around them. They don't seem to be suffering or sad or anything like that. Probably the best thing out of all of this.

I'm not so sure if my in-laws know that he is a jerk. My sister in-law seems to be the only one that has any kind of clue but because she dislikes the wife so much, it has taken a backseat.

He is the second oldest of four and yes he has been coddled every day of his life. They seem to think all of his antics are funny or someone else's fault because he feeds them lies. Unfortunately, you are probably right. Whatever she did say would be covered with one of his lies so.......... I just hate that no one sees him for who he really is. And he is draining my mother in-law dry getting money from her all the time to pay his bills because he won't take the wife to court for child support. It's sad.
 
Sosoothing said:
@Bad&Bougee
I may have misunderstood, but what is the problem you would like us to weight in on? Is it because your SIL is being bad mouthed and you want it to stop? Does she herself care? I did however catch the part about child support. Isn't that your BIL's battle? Or can extended family file too?
Again, forgive me if I misunderstood but sounds like a situation in which all one can do is sympathise. People need to stop giving your BIL money. It's enabling his laziness and irresponsibility.

I keep noticing how much you express your deep loathing for your BIL and deep dislike for your SIL.
Perhaps it's best you stay out of it because your negative feelings would prevent you from being impartial and genuinely supportive of whatever they need.
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I want to contact his wife and explain that she needs to speak with our mother in-law about what's going on. I just think it's unfair for him to drag her name through the mud like that because she is not there to defend herself. She does care but thinks everyone hates her because of what happens. My mother in-law doesn't hate her but she definitely believes what her son is saying.

No one can file for child support on his behalf. And yes, they are enabling him. They always have. I have been trying to stay out of it but it is becoming increasingly difficult. The straw that broke the camel's back is when I came home early from work, him pulling up behind me so that he could tell my husband some ridiculous story that leads to him wanting to borrow money. Because I was at home this time he couldn't ask but he still told DH the story hoping he would offer to give him the money without having to ask.

He is the equivalent of an abusive husband. I want it to be known before the next woman comes along and get entangled with this guy. His mom should know what and who he is so that she can help him, stop coddling him and be mindful this time so that she can see the warning signs and help her future daughter in-law.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
Hmm I think that mom in laws perception of her son will not change. I don’t think the chat will change anything.
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I am hoping that is not true. She is a rationale woman but I know how mothers are about their sons. And because she has been told so many negative things about the girl, you may be right. It won't change anything.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
I am hoping that is not true. She is a rationale woman but I know how mothers are about their sons. And because she has been told so many negative things about the girl, you may be right. It won't change anything.
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Would think it’s family member vs non family member. Blood will usually win esp if the non family member is no longer in the picture. If the wife was still there and trying to work things out then maybe MIL would have been moved to listen.
 
tapioca_pudding said:
It's not always about his "ego", sometimes it's just showing your husband love and concern for whatever it is he's telling you. There's a huge difference.

Re: your question, he likely has things about you that he tends to or even overlooks. Idiosyncrasies - we all have 'em.

Try to spend a day/week/month writing down every single thing he does for you no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, vs keeping count of how much he gets on your nerves. I did this with my DH years ago and my perception of his "ways" have been super positive ever since. I still do it sporadically for a day or a week here and there just as a reminder to myself.
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This is such a good idea. I'm going to do this
 
Bad&Bougee said:
I am hoping that is not true. She is a rationale woman but I know how mothers are about their sons. And because she has been told so many negative things about the girl, you may be right. It won't change anything.
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The girl probably bounced to obtain her peace. And contacting your MIL would start that battle all over by putting drama back into her immediate life. Her talking to the MIL won't change anything. Blood always takes blood's side.
 
PrissiSippi said:
The girl probably bounced to obtain her peace. And contacting your MIL would start that battle all over by putting drama back into her immediate life. Her talking to the MIL won't change anything. Blood always takes blood's side.
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@PrissiSippi, I too think that is why she left. You make an excellent point: speaking to our MIL may open a door that she really wants to keep closed. I can respect that and will leave it alone.

I'm sure my BIL will get what's coming to him one day. That's between him and the Lord, it's not my fight.

As always, thanks Ladies.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Hubby has been gone all week and I can't wait to see him today so I can make up for lost times. :spinning: I need a nap too. Man taking care of a 9 month old alone for a week is hell. He is sooo cute but sooo active. :angeldevil:
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You must be exhausted. I watch my 11 month old niece 4 days a week. This little girl is getting wilder by the day.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Girl I'm beyond exhausted. And he's teething so he refuses to sleep through the night. I'm trying to take a nap before hubby gets home now lol
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you need some you time and a day(or week) at the spa :laugh: and a full day to catch up on your sleep :rofl:
I can't imagine having to do this all the time. it's why I never have baby fever. she's not even a year old yet:spinning:
 
melahnee said:
you need some you time and a day(or week) at the spa :laugh: and a full day to catch up on your sleep :rofl:
I can't imagine having to do this all the time. it's why I never have baby fever. she's not even a year old yet:spinning:
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Do not quote. I will edit later.


It's so easy when dH is here. We spread the responsibility very easily but whoooo chile. By myself it's been rough.
 
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^^^ TBH If you blatantly ignore him and tell him his convos bore you he could look elsewhere for the support he's not getting from you. I don't think he would step out from your descriptions of him but he seems like emotionally he's looking for more. Nobody likes to be ignored. At least feign interest in his day/things he cares about
 
@PrissiSippi tbh i personally would be pretty pissed off about the lying.. like why lie? idk. just me. I might not be the best person to give advice though. I'm very jealous and I hate when people lie..
PERSONALLY I would tell my husband that I don't feel comfortable with him talking or hanging out with this woman anymore..that's just me. There's no *good* excuse for that behavior imo, its kind of disrespectful.
I definitely would try to find some interest in his convo though. It seems he just wants you to care about what he's saying. Won't hurt even to just pretend.
 
melahnee said:
@PrissiSippi tbh i personally would be pretty pissed off about the lying.. like why lie? idk. just me. I might not be the best person to give advice though. I'm very jealous and I hate when people lie..
PERSONALLY I would tell my husband that I don't feel comfortable with him talking or hanging out with this woman anymore..that's just me. There's no *good* excuse for that behavior imo, its kind of disrespectful.
I definitely would try to find some interest in his convo though. It seems he just wants you to care about what he's saying. Won't hurt even to just pretend.
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If he's sneaky enough to be having a full blown conversation with someone he's sneaky enough to claim he has stopped talking to someone and just lie. To be fair I have talked to people that he has asked me to stop talking to. It was in our past but it's not soooo long enough. I'm a little torn because I've done the exact same thing he is doing. But now that the shoe is on the other foot and just because I've changed a lot recently I'm torn and annoyed. I tried to go silent and get him to come to me but after half a day I realized I just started actually talking to him again so it's normal for me to go silent and be kinda on my on so naturally he didn't get it. I dunno
 
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