Married Ladies Random Thoughts

MrsMe said:
Pray for me and my marriage, please. We're doing "fine" and we have no "big" (no cheating, no violence, no arguments, no gaming/drinking) problems but we're still not back to our loving and affectionate days.
We just go to work, come home, do nothing (not me because of the baby) and rarely go out or have sex. The latter is still a relevant issue and I'm done trying to help him or trying to figure out what's happening. I'm frustrated and obviously feel neglected so I'm shutting my urges down, which in turn is shutting down my attraction for him.
I need prayers because I feel myself slipping and falling out of love. I know, I know! It sounds horrible but I still love him more than anybody else in this world. We don't have IT anymore and I feel like we are just settling down into a loveless routine.
Click to expand...

Maybe you guys just need a weekend away no kids. Sometimes that really helps.
 
Miss617 said:
I've always known that my DH loves me more than I love him, but we were talking yesterday and it really hit me when he said he's still crazy about me and still loves me just as much as he did when we first started dating that I don't feel the same way about him. But I think he knows because he said he doesn't want me to stay with him if I'm not happy. I don't know when or why it happened or how to fix it. He is a good husband, and a great father to our son. In theory, I should be happy. But something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. And I don't know what to do about it.
Click to expand...

I love your honesty and how open you are about the issues you face.

Do you think it's something he isn't doing? Or is it something dealing with you internally?
 
Thanks @MrsMe. I understand how you feel because we were there for awhile too. It's one of those things where there are only so many hints you can drop before you just feel like screaming, "Love me, damn it! (but maybe substitute a different four-letter word for love, lol)." Do you have anyone who can watch your DD so you two can have a date night, or even a dinner at home so you can talk about what's been bothering you? I feel like this has been going on for a while, so I'm really sorry to hear that things still haven't gotten better.
 
LucieLoo12 said:
I love your honesty and how open you are about the issues you face.

Do you think it's something he isn't doing? Or is it something dealing with you internally?
Click to expand...

He's doing as much as he can with the limited time he has. He is still working overnight and watching our son during the day, but he does little things like bringing me books from his job or bringing me breakfast before I go to work. He does way more than his fair share of the housework, so I have no complaints there. He's super supportive. But I think maybe I'm just outgrowing him. We've been together since I was 18, I'm 27 now, so the stuff that didn't bother me or was OK back then matters much more now. I feel like I'm evolving and he isn't, and that's a problem for me.
 
I'm a real life adult now. I don't know how I feel about it. Straight up married, in my own house, with a nice car, full-time job, and a baby on the way. I am officially an old lady now. My friends keep inviting me to stuff and I'm trying to keep up, but I'm honestly tired all day. All I do is sleep all day. First trimester woes.

I feel backwards. I told DH that he doesn't touch me enough. I feel like I have to tell him touch me for him to do it because he's such a nice guy. He told me he can't touch me because I'm sleep all the time. I feel like it should come natural when i get off work or just chilling in the back, but maybe he feels like I'm holding back. So he started touching me but touching me at night while we sleep...all night.... which was annoying for me because I felt like I couldn't really sleep because every few hours he is waking me up touching all over me without going to second base. That is annoying. Bbut he's doing what I asked so it's like he can't do anything right.

He told me we can't do further because he has a sperm analysis test tomorrow so he has to abstain. I didn't know this. So in my head if I knew I had to go to the Dr Wednesday, I would have made sure I got it in Saturday Friday and Thursday with my wife!! But I guess that's the planner of a woman. He didn't see it like that.
 
He has stepped up to the plate lately. I got really mad I mean LIVID mad I spilled it all out:

-When I get sick he doesn't even check on me. He says babe are you okay? I say "Yes". And he just drops it. No coming to hug me or console me. He told me if he did he would throw up too because he doesn't like the sight of throw up
-I told him how I tried to do his resume months ago but he never sent me any info to do his resume. Then my brother brought up new jobs for him to take that are closer to home and make more money. Instead of finding jobs he wants people to spoon feed him and give him direct links to the job. (I feel like his parents spoon fed him his whole life and it transcends to our lives now) Like if you want extra money to pay off some bills stop complaining....just get an extra job for a few months and get it done.
-He acts like he's so hardworking at finding a new job online. But you don't find jobs online. You make networks face to face and get connections that way. They get plenty of online application. Yours is no different.
-You claim that you have no money after bills but you make more money than I. And you won't be a leader of our finances and ask where our money goes or tell me that you feel strained from your bills. Then you try to make me feel bad like "I pay more bills than you" You're supposed to. You're a friggin man and make more than me. If you don't tell me I assume we are fine because my finances are just fine.
- He said he tries to be a leader. He told me we were going to church one day. I bust out crying and told him I wasn't going. In his head that's him being a leader and me blocking him as usual. I was annoyed that he didn't even TRY to figure out what was wrong with me. He just said,"Oh Lord" and left the house. He says that it's easier for my friends. He feels they have higher power because if they merely asked what was wrong I would tell them. But I said I felt like I can't just bust out my feelings cuz truely I don't know if you care and plus I don't know how to word it. He is the cause of my unhappiness. He's not a leader, I feel like I control our house, and HE can't give me a child naturally. I don't want to hurt his feelings so I can't just bust that out first time he asks.

and told him I'm tired of him being such a lack of a leader. I feel he gives up soooo easily. He does nothing without me telling him to do it. The following weekend he: mowed the grass and clean the back and front, checked on my car battery and got my battery replaced, got us something to eat, went grocery shopping for me so I could work on school work, and checked on me without me asking. He did everything that I've ever wanted, but now I'm just tired. I know in two more weeks he'll go back to being his ole passive self
 
I verbally told him I was so thankful for all the things he did over the weekend, but that's not his love language. I don't know/want to tell him thank you in his love language. That's the problem.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I'm a real life adult now. I don't know how I feel about it. Straight up married, in my own house, with a nice car, full-time job, and a baby on the way. I am officially an old lady now. My friends keep inviting me to stuff and I'm trying to keep up, but I'm honestly tired all day. All I do is sleep all day. First trimester woes.

I feel backwards. I told DH that he doesn't touch me enough. I feel like I have to tell him touch me for him to do it because he's such a nice guy. He told me he can't touch me because I'm sleep all the time. I feel like it should come natural when i get off work or just chilling in the back, but maybe he feels like I'm holding back. So he started touching me but touching me at night while we sleep...all night.... which was annoying for me because I felt like I couldn't really sleep because every few hours he is waking me up touching all over me without going to second base. That is annoying. Bbut he's doing what I asked so it's like he can't do anything right.

He told me we can't do further because he has a sperm analysis test tomorrow so he has to abstain. I didn't know this. So in my head if I knew I had to go to the Dr Wednesday, I would have made sure I got it in Saturday Friday and Thursday with my wife!! But I guess that's the planner of a woman. He didn't see it like that.
Click to expand...
CONGRATULATIONS :bouncy::bounceline:
 
Miss617 said:
Thanks @MrsMe. I understand how you feel because we were there for awhile too. It's one of those things where there are only so many hints you can drop before you just feel like screaming, "Love me, damn it! (but maybe substitute a different four-letter word for love, lol)." Do you have anyone who can watch your DD so you two can have a date night, or even a dinner at home so you can talk about what's been bothering you? I feel like this has been going on for a while, so I'm really sorry to hear that things still haven't gotten better.
Click to expand...
We actually went the movies the other day but it doesn't feel the same.

Miss617 said:
He's doing as much as he can with the limited time he has. He is still working overnight and watching our son during the day, but he does little things like bringing me books from his job or bringing me breakfast before I go to work. He does way more than his fair share of the housework, so I have no complaints there. He's super supportive. But I think maybe I'm just outgrowing him. We've been together since I was 18, I'm 27 now, so the stuff that didn't bother me or was OK back then matters much more now. I feel like I'm evolving and he isn't, and that's a problem for me.
Click to expand...

The evolving part is totally how I feel! Girl, get out of my head.
 
Miss617 said:
@PrissiSippi. Girl. How you just gonna drop pregnancy news in alladat ^^ up there? I am so, so happy for you! This is when your DH needs to step up the most. I hope he gets it together for you and your LO. Ah!! Congrats, mama!
Click to expand...
Too much too fast? LOL My bad My bad! :drunk: I was tryna really wait til my 2nd trimester, but yall my e-family. I'm due around Christmas. :baby2: Everything happened really fast. We started visiting our fertility doctor and stuff and first try bam I was pregnant.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Too much too fast? LOL My bad My bad! :drunk: I was tryna really wait til my 2nd trimester, but yall my e-family. I'm due around Christmas. :baby2: Everything happened really fast. We started visiting our fertility doctor and stuff and first try bam I was pregnant.
Click to expand...

That is fantastic. I'm really happy for you. I know it must feel like a mixed bag because you have this great thing happening but you still have issues that you want to resolve. Let me tell you - my first trimester (before I knew I was pregnant), I tried to leave my husband. Like, a month before our first wedding anniversary I was ready to hop on the first thing smoking and I didn't know why LOL. So this time can be very trying, but be gentle with yourself and him. You may have mentioned it before, but what is your husband's love language? Let's see if we can figure out how you can talk to him in a way he'll understand.
 
Congrats!! @PrissiSippi I thought that maybe I missed the official announcement. Focus on you and get as much rest as you need. That first semester is something serious!
 
Miss617 said:
That is fantastic. I'm really happy for you. I know it must feel like a mixed bag because you have this great thing happening but you still have issues that you want to resolve. Let me tell you - my first trimester (before I knew I was pregnant), I tried to leave my husband. Like, a month before our first wedding anniversary I was ready to hop on the first thing smoking and I didn't know why LOL. So this time can be very trying, but be gentle with yourself and him. You may have mentioned it before, but what is your husband's love language? Let's see if we can figure out how you can talk to him in a way he'll understand.
Click to expand...
His love Language is quality time and physical touch. I need to find that book and briefly re-read it
 
PrissiSippi said:
I verbally told him I was so thankful for all the things he did over the weekend, but that's not his love language. I don't know/want to tell him thank you in his love language. That's the problem.
Click to expand...
Why don't you want to do it? Is it because it is your least favorite love language?
CONGRATULATIONS!!! :bouncy::congrats:
 
this makes perfect sense....together young, outgrew him.....wanting more...totally understand
wishing you all the best in whatever decision you make.:bighug:

Miss617 said:
He's doing as much as he can with the limited time he has. He is still working overnight and watching our son during the day, but he does little things like bringing me books from his job or bringing me breakfast before I go to work. He does way more than his fair share of the housework, so I have no complaints there. He's super supportive. But I think maybe I'm just outgrowing him. We've been together since I was 18, I'm 27 now, so the stuff that didn't bother me or was OK back then matters much more now. I feel like I'm evolving and he isn't, and that's a problem for me.
Click to expand...
 
So when I say I feel like I'm evolving, part of what I mean is that I'm much more careful about what I say and do. Before I was a bit of a hothead, but now I'm learning to bite my tongue. My DH will say things or make inappropriate jokes specifically because he knows they bother me. He has literally said to me, "I only say that because I know it bothers you." Like he enjoys getting a rise out of me. Or if I make a mistake with the baby, he'll say I'm acting like his daughter's mother. But if I get upset about it, he'll say I know I'm nothing like her and I would only get upset if I actually felt like it was true. But I have told him before I feel like he focuses on the negatives more than the positives and doesn't really thank me or tell me if I do something right. Sometimes it feels like he's trying to shame me into being what he wants instead of just letting it happen because it's what I want. Could he really be that passive-aggressive and I've just never noticed?
 
lux10023 said:
this makes perfect sense....together young, outgrew him.....wanting more...totally understand
wishing you all the best in whatever decision you make.:bighug:
Click to expand...

Thank you. I would love it if we grew together, but I feel like when I met him he was already set in his ways because he was older and had already been in a longterm relationship/had a kid. It just seems like he's hit his plateau while I'm still climbing. I don't regret marrying him or anything because he really is a great father and husband when he's not being an a** like I mentioned above, but I just feel like outside of our son, we don't want the same things in life.
 
@Miss617
Thanks for sharing those tidbits. Your dh is passive aggressive and has a bit of a mean streak. Comparing you to his daughter's mother is not cool. He may act like he is the "nice" one in the relationship but I'm not so sure. You just may be more hot-tempered and straight forward than him. I think the more you explore how he makes you feel (ashamed, etc.) you may start to get to the root of why you love him less.
 
hopeful said:
@Miss617
Thanks for sharing those tidbits. Your dh is passive aggressive and has a bit of a mean streak. Comparing you to his daughter's mother is not cool. He may act like he is the "nice" one in the relationship but I'm not so sure. You just may be more hot-tempered and straight forward than him. I think the more you explore how he makes you feel (ashamed, etc.) you may start to get to the root of why you love him less.
Click to expand...

Yeah... the other stuff I just kind of roll my eyes at, but the comparisons to his ex make me see red. I've been seeing the effects of her sh**y parenting for 10 years so nah, even in jest, he need not ever try to act like we're anything alike.

Another issue I have is that he stopped being afraid to lose me, and as such does what I feel is the bare minimum to keep me (which he says is due to lack of time and/or money). Oddly enough, he has expressed his concerns about the possibility of me cheating on him or deciding I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't understand how those two things can coexist. To be so worried about my being unhappy that, even though he'd be "crushed" if I left him, he would understand and not want me to stay with him (just for our son), but not make more of an effort to make me happy seems a bit of a contradiction, no? It's come down to me always being the one to try to keep us together or assure him that I'm not going anywhere. But oh, if I do leave, I'll never find anyone like him. That's his favorite refrain. But I've never had a problem finding nice guys so...
 
@Miss617 are we married to the same man???? He doesn't have any other children but the age and plateau factors are the same. My DH is concerned about my feelings changing but he doesn't make any novel effort to change our situation. "You know there are worst men than me out there. I'm not perfect but I do more than so and so." :rolleyes:
He has evolved in certain areas but I feel that he has done these things only to appease me or to keep me trapped if that makes sense.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I verbally told him I was so thankful for all the things he did over the weekend, but that's not his love language. I don't know/want to tell him thank you in his love language. That's the problem.
Click to expand...
Whats his language?
DH's is time so he likes to watch tv, play on his ipod etc etc, but would like me to sit unoccupied so that he feels like Im spending time with him.
 
MrsMe said:
Why don't you want to do it? Is it because it is your least favorite love language?
CONGRATULATIONS!!! :bouncy::congrats:
Click to expand...
Yup I'm just not confident in it. Everytime I do it I wonder am I doing enough or if he is happy. I don't want to ask because then it doesn't sound genuine.
 
I don't know how to let him be a leader and be reasonable. Lying in bed he told me he wants to cut down all of the bushes on one side of our backyard and build a shed. I told him hunny, can we please not do that? You started cuttign down the other bush outside of our master bedroom last year and you never did completely finish it. It's still a nub today and it doesn't look nice at all. I would like it better if you took down that bush first before trying to tear down the bushes on the other side of our backyard. Plus, those bushes help the yard look nice. Out friends XYZ and XYZ cut down all their bushes and their backyard looks horrible. I don't want it to look like that.

Plus yall I didn't tell him but he can't even build. He can make drafts but he can't build a durn shed. And doesn't even have the extra income to get it built so why tear down the bushes? They're just gonna be down for years until you can afford to put up a shed. And we already have a shed! We don't need another one. But he said he wants a space to work on his projects in.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

MrsBKJ
Im gettin' married...I gave in!!
2
Replies
40
Views
1K
MrsBKJ
MrsBKJ
Glib Gurl
What are your "Marriage Musts"?
Replies
29
Views
735
JustKiya
JustKiya
Julessy
Tradition: Children before Marriage...thoughts?
2
Replies
39
Views
1K
Julessy
Julessy
yokoyokogirl
Married and never divorced: Big deal or not?
2
Replies
42
Views
1K
Aveena
A
movingforward13
Married Ladies - Question
Replies
4
Views
262
movingforward13
movingforward13
Back
Top