Married Ladies Random Thoughts

My long time friend called me yesterday to say that she's giving her marriage a year because they might not make it. They have been married for over 20 years. The teenage daughter is pregnant and it's putting a strain on their marriage. She's blaming him, he's blaming her, and nobody is showing any forgiveness.

The baby will be here in a matter of months. So they better get it together.

Hope it's okay to post this here, because I'm playing the "supportive friend" role and whew, she's wearing me out. Yesterday, she was debating whether or not to spend the night at a hotel instead of going home. I'm like, did he cheat? No. Did he get violent. Never! Did he threaten you. Of course not.

So you gonna leave your warm bed, in your well appointed house, because of marital stress? Girl, please.

She went home. Bet she slept good too. My job as the married friend with the shoulder to lean on is not finished. Bet.
 
@lana why does she blame him? I'm assuming there are other issues that have been festering. I'm realizing that the old if he's not cheating or beating hang in there is not working. What I'm seeing is just as racism is less overt but strong as ever, so is sexism, misogyny etc. Many men are not cheating or beating because it's so looked down upon by society, but they are covertly tolerating, ignoring, and disrespecting their wives day in and day out. This may not be the case for your friend. Ask her what's really going on, how she is feeling within the marriage. Does she feel loved and safe?
 
@hopeful, I hear what you're saying, but I was speaking to her in a "semi-calm down it's not over" type of way.

My first thought was - what in the world happened? You don't just throw away a 20 year marriage! So please don't take my comments to her in the wrong way. She knows me well (just like I know her). Usually, we both feel like most things in a marriage can be fixed, but cheating or physical/emotional abuse are deal breakers for both of us - and that's not going to change. That's why I asked her if any of the above happened. Most minor problems can be "worked on". That's all I meant.

There problems are: They argue too much. They speak in anger. The husband blames the wife and she blames him about the daughter's pregnancy. They both need to be more forgiving, and let go of the past.

She doesn't feel "cherished", but she knows he loves her based on their history, and yes, she loves him. Recent events have put a major strain on things. All I can do is be there for her.

Why does she blame him? She said that he didn't put any rules, boundaries, or limits on their daughter. She warned him constantly, and he just let her run wild. He felt that she was too strict.
 
@lana thank you for the reply. I wasn't trying to be critical, hopefully it didn't come off that way. I'm just myself realizing how subtly men are abusing, passive aggressively -- death by a million tiny cuts. Unseen by most, even by the abused, because it is so hidden. IMO the feeling of not being cherished is a sign that something is very off. I hope things work out for them and that they find common ground especially with the little baby on the way. I had a friend this happened to. The wife was so embarrassed because young women in our social circle do not get pregnant so young. Hey but life goes on and everything usually works out. I hope they they can come together and figure things out.
 
@lana
Your friend is not alone. I also have a friend, in a 20+ year marriage who has a pregnant teen daughter. Her husband and mine are really close, so he told my husband about it. She went ballistic when I called to offer support; I haven't spoken to her since then. She and her husband are at odds because of the same reason as your friend lenient vs strict parents. The bottom line is that she is so steeped in the embarrassment of being highly religious and having a pregnant teen daughter that she can't think/see straight. People react strangely in this type of situation. She needs a friend like you who can help her direct her misguided, anger, embarrassment towards actions that will create a healthier environment or her marriage and her grandbaby.
 
Lawd, a 1.5 week until me and DH's vacation :toocool::bounceline:. I am too excited. A week of just relaxation. Not having to be awaken by the alarm clock, no schedule, just freedddoommmm....

Does anyone else feel the need to buy new clothes when you are going a trip?:look: DH does not understand this. He is like the clothes you have are fine. I'm like :confused: but we going on a trip.
 
@HisBestFriend - Wow, that's eerie. I hope that the couple you know can work it out. Families really need to pull together when facing hardships, but all too often it seems that the hardship breaks people down.

This has taught me to try to love through struggles. I'm sure my husband and I do this, but it's a good warning for future hardships.
 
PrissiSippi said:
What dreams do you all have for your family?

I want to be able to go on a vacation twice a year
Eat together every night
Pray together every night
And have weekly date nights with the hubby
Click to expand...
I want us to continue to like each other.
I want that retirement lifestyle by 45.
I want to always be his lady.
If we don't get to raise our own children, I want us to both be able to positively affect the lives of black children in our community.
 
lana said:
@hopeful, I hear what you're saying, but I was speaking to her in a "semi-calm down it's not over" type of way.

My first thought was - what in the world happened? You don't just throw away a 20 year marriage! So please don't take my comments to her in the wrong way. She knows me well (just like I know her). Usually, we both feel like most things in a marriage can be fixed, but cheating or physical/emotional abuse are deal breakers for both of us - and that's not going to change. That's why I asked her if any of the above happened. Most minor problems can be "worked on". That's all I meant.

There problems are: They argue too much. They speak in anger. The husband blames the wife and she blames him about the daughter's pregnancy. They both need to be more forgiving, and let go of the past.

She doesn't feel "cherished", but she knows he loves her based on their history, and yes, she loves him. Recent events have put a major strain on things. All I can do is be there for her.

Why does she blame him? She said that he didn't put any rules, boundaries, or limits on their daughter. She warned him constantly, and he just let her run wild. He felt that she was too strict.
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So sad to that they are blaming themselves over their teenager. No matter what rules you set or don't set, teenagers are going to do what they want to do. When a friend of mine was having a hard time in her marriage, I told her to take a step back and breathe. I also told her to forget about the issues that was happening, take a bottle of wine, pack some lunch, grab a blanket and grab the wedding album. I told her to sit in the park enjoy the food and look thru the pictures and remember how happy they were that day. She had to take a day off from the problem they were having. Now this may not work for everyone, but it helped them a lot.
 
Our wedding cake was sooo good. I'm glad I went with a lady from my church versus one of those high and fancy cake places. $350 for a cake that still tastes good today! Mmmm Mmm!
 
We are leaving for our trip on Sunday. I am so happy, you have know idea. Work has been super crazy because I have been trying to seal all the loose ends before I leave. I have so much to do. Sunday please hurry hurry hurry.
 
LucieLoo12 said:
We are leaving for our trip on Sunday. I am so happy, you have know idea. Work has been super crazy because I have been trying to seal all the loose ends before I leave. I have so much to do. Sunday please hurry hurry hurry.
Click to expand...

How exciting! I hope you guys have a good time.
 
I'm so annoyed!
Aight so you go out with vendors and wake hung over, so you can't handle things for the move like you should. Well damn now YOU gotta work harder this afternoon. All you had to do was get up, go buy boxes, pack em and let the movers take care of things instead all this **** has to be hauled out by us- really you. I ain't carry **** heavy.
 
His bosses are in town so he has been coming in late from work which really annoys me. He came home at like 9:30 yesterday. I had dinner cooked since like 5:30 waiting on him to come home at 6. He doesn't call or anything until I call him. Then he tells me he's still at work at 7:45 and it takes him an hour to drive home so I'm pissed some more. I stay sweet and polite but when he gets home I tell him he need to tell his bosses he needs to be home on time. He tells me his job is salary but doesn't work like that. They stay until the machines run properly (he's an engineer). He told me he will walk out but doesn't want to hear my complaints of he gets fired. Should I let go of my feels or what. It's not a big deal now but what if I were pregnant or in need? I told him our communication needs to improve. We have dinner every night together so I had been waiting for four hours for him to come home without eating.

But then I look at my Female relative and she so calm. My male relatives come in at 11 or 12 o'clock and the female is just as calm and loving. They have such a peaceful marriage. Nothing gets under her skin. No man's mama, no coming in late, no forget to take out the trash, no we didn't do anything for anniversary just a card. Nothing bothers them. Everything bothers me.
 
@PrissiSippi
I recognize myself in you when I was still a very new bride. I had this vision of how marriage was supposed to be. We all get home at 5. Dinner at the table by 7pm with all of us sitting there. Bible study every Friday at 8pm...and so forth and so on. But now I only have 2 things I want. 1. we put God first and 2. We stay committed to sorting out our issues and trying to make it work during the times when we both feel frustrated.
For us the short list is stress free and we are much happier. Putting God first takes care of a lot. Life happens. Your DH has a very good reason to come home late. His bosses won't be in town forever. It won't hurt you to eat alone a few nights until they go back. All your expectations and rules for your marriage will have to be compromised on many times. Since this is LHCF I feel the need to clarify that I'm not talking about serious rules like cheating, gambling, abuse etc.
I would feel distraught when DH came home late. Then I saw the extra zeros on his pay check. He is self employed. Plus he always called to let me know exactly what was happening.
In the future you may have children and that is another time when a lot of that stuff goes out the window. Think about it, pleasing his bosses now doesn't mean he isn't respecting your marriage or your rules. It's because he respects the marriage that he is pleasing his bosses. Like he told you he needs his job to take care of your household. But he should call to let you know he is fine and just running late.
I'm rambling but I hope that makes sense. This is all just my opinion of course.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Should I let go of my feels or what. It's not a big deal now but what if I were pregnant or in need? I told him our communication needs to improve.
Click to expand...


Yes...let go of your feelings. He responded when you called/texted him right? I've been caught up in situations like this before when I'm with my boss or he's waiting on something for me, and I just have to focus on one thing at a time. Now if he didn't respond to your communication then maybe there would be a problem.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
double post
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I'm just annoyed. Then he came home and didn't eat much of the food at all. He said the new medicine he's on has decreased his appetite. But then he just went out for pizza the other day and ate a whole pizza. Your appetite wasn't decreased then.

I have no reason to not trust him and what he says whatsoever. But I don't trust very much because of my past experiences. Luckily for me this is the relationship I needed. Very predictable. No trust issues.

But I feel like if I let this slide he will continuously think it's okay to come into the house whatever time he wants. But on the other hand I understand what kind of job he has but from the outside lookin in it looks so suspect. I don't want you going into work on Sunday for two or three hours. I don't want you working late until 9:30 pm especially when it brings no extra money versus you coming in at 9
 
Then I feel like a horrible wife. We don't communicate as well as I want to. I feel like we're in a hole I can never dig completely out of. I feel like all of a sudden our personalities are not compatible. I can't talk to him without him shutting down. Even when I try. I don't yell and scream anymore. I talk. But my words cut like a knife and he will still shut down. So I don't talk about my problems.

Then the problems I have I don't know anyone who has them.

I dunno I'm rambling. I'm supposed to be gone out of town by now. But I feel so depressed I don't even want to get out of the bed. I cried so long last night. DH just sent me message about how he didn't want to make me cry and he didn't quite understand why I'm hurting so bad and he can see it but but doesn't know why but blah blah. And I'm over here just feeling stuck.
 
PrissiSippi said:
I'm just annoyed. Then he came home and didn't eat much of the food at all. He said the new medicine he's on has decreased his appetite. But then he just went out for pizza the other day and ate a whole pizza. Your appetite wasn't decreased then.

I have no reason to not trust him and what he says whatsoever. But I don't trust very much because of my past experiences. Luckily for me this is the relationship I needed. Very predictable. No trust issues.

But I feel like if I let this slide he will continuously think it's okay to come into the house whatever time he wants. But on the other hand I understand what kind of job he has but from the outside lookin in it looks so suspect. I don't want you going into work on Sunday for two or three hours. I don't want you working late until 9:30 pm especially when it brings no extra money versus you coming in at 9
Click to expand...
That's the nature of the beast. Most professional jobs are salaried and there's no immediate monetary benefit for working late. In terms of promotions and other opportunites within the company...yes it can make a big difference .

honestly i think you need to back off on this. Work on whatever you need to work on within yourself....but don't let him feel that he can't stay at work late if it's necessary. Ask him to text you to let you know, if that's what you need from him i guess
 
@PrissiSippi
Based off of what you wrote since my last response to you, you need to work on understanding his actions, or lack of actions are not a reflection of you.
So what if he preferred pizza? It doesn't make you a bad wife or bad cook. The man just wanted pizza. You can save or freeze the left overs and eat them another day.
Things aren't as bad as they appear to you ((hugs)).
 
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